Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.

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Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week Nine

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 9 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 29, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Ben and his final three ladies are in Jamaica, and overnight “fantasy suite” dates are on the table. If some random dude was about to go on three dates with three women in three days and probably bang at least two of them we would hate him, but this is The Bachelor where the only thing we hate is women who “didn’t come here to make friends” and people named Lace. Remember Lace???

Caila and Ben have the first date of the week, and Ben describes their relationship as the “deepest.” Caila is feeling “anxious” despite a solid hometown date and as a result their conversation stalls during a river boat cruise. Ben senses that she’s holding back but Caila claims she’s over-thinking things and really wants to just enjoy the moment. Despite their open discussion about the awkwardness, this relationship still feels a few steps back from what he has with Lauren and JoJo. “It’s really important that tonight goes well,” stresses Caila. She course corrects for the evening part of their date and is visibly less “distracted.” Ben really wants to talk more about her weirdness earlier in the day. Caila likes that he noticed she was acting strange, and admits to being scared given that there are two other women who are also likely falling in love with Ben. “Every time I’m with you…it just feels right,” she tells him, adding that she’s in love with him. I thought she told him a few weeks ago so this seems somewhat anti-climactic. Ben pulls out the overnight date card and it’s all systems go on her end. “There is no other place I’d rather be in the world than in his arms,” Caila gushes in her voiceover as they make out in the ocean with fireworks in the background.

God I hate fireworks. Reason #56,928 I would never be on the Bachelor. I feel like it’s gotta be part of the screening process: do you like fireworks, helicopter rides, and awkward impromptu serenades from bands that you’ve only heard of if you live in the American mid-West? Yes? You’re in.

“It will be him and I at the end of this!” Caila declares. The next morning, Ben and Caila are all adorable and sweet over coffee and she loves that they woke up as a couple. Ben loves how great she looks in the morning. She has that awesome hair that makes me hate myself. With a parting kiss and “I love you,” Caila leaves.

Date number two is with Lauren, who is leaning towards confessing her love to Ben because “she’s had these feelings for awhile.” According the University of My Eyeballs, he’s head over heels for Lauren too. It would appear that Ben doesn’t even get a day off between overnight dates which is kind of skeevy (or just editing) but not surprising for the Bachelor world. On their date, Lauren and Ben get to hold and then release newborn baby sea turtles (I WANT!) into the ocean for a “date full of cuteness.” Lauren compares the lives of these baby sea turtles to her love for Ben (yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either). Ben tells Lauren that he loved her family and admits to crying while talking to Lauren’s sister during his hometown visit because, as he states, “you’re too good for me.” Lauren says the feeling is mutual and they hop in the ocean and there’s a goddamn double rainbow in the background I’m not even joking. I can practically hear the Bachelor producers giving eachother crisp high fives at catching that moment.

Later that evening, they dance a bit and talk about how hard the week apart has been between hometown dates and this week’s dates. “I’m obviously very invested in you,” Lauren tells Ben, adding that she can see a life with him. Lauren tells him that he’s the man of her dreams but still no L word. Ben silently hands Lauren the overnight date card. I love how they are all signed by host Chris Harrison, America’s most charming pimp. Speaking of, just me or does it feel like Harrison has been mostly absent this season? I love when he bros down with the Bachelors and gives them advice and is all serious head nodding and sympathy eyes. Lauren finally fesses up to being “completely in love” with Ben. He knows that she wouldn’t still be there if her feelings weren’t strong, and then BREAKS ALL OF THE BACHELOR RULES by telling Lauren that he’s known he’s been in love with her for awhile. “I seriously didn’t think someone like you existed,” she states. Ben closes the blinds and we have to listen to the mics pick up the sounds of them kissing.

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L-O-V-E

 

“Honey, I made breakfast,” Ben says the next morning, as all over North America women throw their underpants at their television. “Last night, I was really able to get confidence…in my feelings,” declares Ben. That’s the cutest euphemism for getting laid I’ve heard in weeks. “Ben’s my person,” says a euphoric Lauren.

“Telling Lauren I love her complicates things,” Ben declares and then meets up with JoJo. Ben finds her “uplifting” and reiterates he felt an immediate connection with JoJo. She is a bit worried about what went down between Ben and her family during hometowns while she was, I have to presume, locked in the basement so that she wouldn’t hear the grilling her brothers were giving him. JoJo is hesitant to tell Ben she’s in love with him because he can’t say it back (well….). “The thought of losing him is terrifying,” she moans. They swim at a waterfall and kiss a bit and JoJo says that everything she’s felt leads her to believe that she does love Ben and she tells him how terrified she is that she just said that. And then HE TELLS JOJO HE LOVES HER TOO.  Yes, I’m shouting.

Insert screeching tires sound. Oops, he did it again.

JoJo’s response is perfect: “What?! Are you allowed to say that?”

Yeah, we can’t believe it either. Actually, I can believe it because JoJo is awesome sauce but, as Ben states in his voiceover: “I don’t know how I can be in love with two women but I am.” I guess I know how he feels. Today I fell in love with two mini cupcakes at work. If you’re the mathy sort, that’s two women. So, like, bye bye Caila. While I have no doubt that Ben is in love with both of these great gals, I suspect he never would’ve been able to say it without the explicit, likely written, permission of the Bachelor powers-that-be.

“I just told JoJo I love her,” Ben reminds us, heading into the evening portion of their date. “But in the back of my mind I’m flashing back to telling Lauren the same thing.” Um, yeah, probs because it was less than 24 hours ago. Ben tells her that today meant a lot to him because he knows where she stands now and JoJo, now confident and secure in their relationship, seems more at east and happier than ever. Finally the topic of JoJo’s brothers gets some air time, and Ben admits to sensing a lot of tension and feeling “uneasy” after their hometown date. JoJo wants to scream I HATE  THEM THEY RUIN EVERYTHING but she manages to keep it cool and say she loves her brothers and knows their concern is coming from a good place. She insists that they will love Ben too. Remember her brothers? I don’t think they love anything aside from JoJo, lifting weights and wearing bracelets.

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Not the faces of people who love Ben.

“I do feel like her family will support us,” Ben lies to himself convincingly before presenting JoJo the date card. She bails. Joking, obviously. They tour their fantasy suite which has a pool and a hot tub of course. If I was a heartless monster (if?) I would say that Lauren has the slight advantage over JoJo because JoJo would make a better Bachelorette. You can yell at me in the comments. I do feel like Ben is sliiiightly more into Lauren than JoJo but find JoJo more interesting than Lauren. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice. It’s not. I way overuse this phrase and it’s one of the main reasons why I’m probs going to hell. There’s also this thing where I used to steal cheese like three times a week from the place I bought my morning coffee and muffin. Also, there’s some mild treason in there but I promise it was adorable.

The next morning JoJo and Ben eat watermelon (or so they think) in bed and are all lovey dovey. These women look better first thing in the morning than I would look if I lived with a makeup artist who painted my face on in lieu of rent. There’s a slightly nauseating round of ‘no, you’re the cutest’ but I can’t hate on these two because it’s pretty sweet or maybe I have my period. Also, if any men are reading this (?) and are looking to sleep with a bunch of women on their next vacation you may want to google this resort.

Cut to Ben walking along the ocean and trying to figure out how to dump Caila. He is “not looking forward to it.” Ouch, he’s going to make her go through a rose ceremony? Luckily, spunky Caila just misses Ben so darn much that she can’t wait to see him again and surprises him, catching him totally off guard on his day off from sex and sweet morning-after banter. Ben’s face when he sees that it’s Caila is basically ‘ah, fuck.’

“It means a lot that you really tried to come over here,” he begins, and tells her it’s been a crazy week. You can actually see the exact moment when Caila realizes she’s getting dumped. “I am in love with two women here…and I just couldn’t say it back to you,” Ben tells her. “You are literally what I describe…as my perfect wife…” Ben says, confusingly, adding that it’s hard to imagine saying bye to her. “That sounds like a line,” Caila says, starting to cry, and tells Ben that he doesn’t have to say that and adds through her tears that she’s enjoyed getting to know him and that she loves him but really can she just go now? Ben asks if he can walk her out and for a second it seems like Caila will say no but she agrees and they hug and Ben wants her to know that he’s really going to miss the crap out of her.

A heartbroken Caila climbs into the SUV of Broken Dreams™ but hops back out because she wants more information. “Did you know this week?” she asks him, and they go for a walk to chat some more. Our Bachelor admits that the other two women also said they were in love with him but swears he didn’t know who he was sending home until he heard affirmations from all three women. Ben wants Caila to know that their relationship was important to him.

This may be one of the most civilized-but-could-easily-have-gone-really-bad breakups of a second runner-up in Bachelor history. The bar ain’t that high.

Back in the SUV, Caila is really crying now and confesses to thinking she was going to be engaged soon and claims she “was ready” to start a life with Ben. “I thought this was it.”

Ben is gutted at sending Caila home but knows that he just had way stronger feelings for Lauren and JoJo. Chris Harrison greets JoJo and Lauren, separately, heading into the rose ceremony. They quickly realize that Caila isn’t coming, which Ben confirms. “I’m more confident in this than I’ve ever been,” he tells his final two and then there’s a super weird group hug full of uncomfortable laughter. With each woman secure in the warm cocoon of Ben’s love confession, they both strive to feign coolness yet each wonders if Ben has told the other woman that he loves her too.

We’ll have to wait two weeks to find out who Ben chooses because next week is the ‘Women Tell All’ special which will likely turn into an “everyone hates Olivia” fest. Can’t wait.

Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Seven

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 7 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 15, 2016).

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The Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Hola rose lovers. Sorry I am so late with this post but as I mentioned in my recap last week I was in El Salvador for a wedding and apparently to eat an asston of pupusas.

So we kick off this week in Ben’s home town of Yawnsville, Indiana or wherever. Ben meets up with his parents at a diner and tells them he’s down to six ladies and mentions like seven times that he was just in the Bahamas. Meanwhile, the women are strolling the town and pointing out buildings, looking like an ad for skinny jeans and throwing leaves at eachother.

Ben gives his parents a rundown of all the women and it’s clear that JoJo, Lauren and Amanda are frontrunners. He picks up the women in a boat and they talk about how the town is “too cute” and a great place to make babies.

This is a big week because hometowns are coming up. Ben announces that Lauren has 30 minutes to get ready for the first one-on-one date of the week, leaving Becca and JoJo feeling a little gutted.

On their date, Ben drives Lauren around in a truck and points out his school and church and where he had his first kiss and he gives her lots of love gazes. It’s obvious that he really, really likes her. They wind up at the local youth club where Ben worked for four years. That face AND he worked with kids? This guy must have just slayed ass back in the day. There’s a cute moment with Ronnie “the half court kid” and then Ben and Lauren have to kiss in front of everyone. Since most of their kissing is pretty PG looking, this is barely awkward. Then some players from the Indiana Pacers show up and everyone loses their damn minds. Everyone loves Lauren and wants to know if she loves Ben. A sad kid cries and Ben cheers him up, handsomely. Consequently, Lauren provides a bunch of soundbites about Ben being great with kids and he’d make a great dad, etc.

The remaining women are waiting for a date card and Becca is all “one-on-ones are better than group dates.” Yeah, duh.‎ This episode is setting up for either Emily or Becca to go home, I think. Possibly Caila.

Later on their date Lauren brings up the awkwardness in the Bahamas and he tells her he doesn’t want to be blindsided and Lauren counters that she felt defenseless against now departed Leah’s bullshit accusations that Lauren wasn’t being her real self around Ben.‎ He assures her that they are in a good place and it’s all good again. “You make me sooooo happy Ben,” she tells him. Then they hit the town for some drinks with Ben’s friends and Lauren announces in her private interview that she’s in love.

The next day JoJo is attempting to shed off her slight Lauren jealousy and have tunnel vision‎ when it comes to her relationship with Ben. They have great chemistry and an easy vibe. She meets him in Chicago and they go to Wrigley Field because Ben loves the Cubs so all this swelling, majestic music plays while they walk around and then put on Mr and Mrs Higgins jerseys and mess around on the field. He makes it to third base but it`s the sports kind, not the fun kind. They lay down on the field and Ben says that he feels more himself around JoJo than the other women.

The group date card arrives and it’s for Caila, Becca and Amanda so Emily cries a bunch because she gets the last solo date of the week. Becca confesses she feels more strongly for Ben at this point then she did going all the way to final two with Chris Soules.

For some reason we return to Wrigley Field where a dinner no one will eat is set up. Ben feels like she holds back a little and JoJo admits she feels scared‎ (rightly so) but says she cares about Ben a lot and can see a life with him. “My heart is ready to give to you,” she tells him.

On the group date the women meet Ben at a farm and Caila and Ben get some alone time on a row boat. They head into a barn decorated straight out of a Pinterest board and Ben says this is all getting “very personal.” Amanda is so excited to see her kids next week and hasn’t introduced any guy she’s dated to them. Ben looks forward to seeing her in mom mode. Becca kicks off their alone time telling Ben she’s been stressed for the past two weeks and tells him she likes him so much it freaks her out. Ben avoids any major eye contact and the whole interaction feels kinda off. Becca is not used to bein‎g in a vulnerable position, and mumbles “please don’t blindside me,” to Ben. Yeah, she is so getting sent home this week. Caila talks about how she doesn’t have the same hometown roots and “community” as Ben because she moved around a lot as a kid. He wonders if she could settle down in one spot and she compares herself to moss or something. I got bored and stopped listening. The group date rose goes to single mom Amanda, meaning she will definitely be getting a hometown date and will also spend the rest of the day alone with Ben. Becca and Caila are left to themselves in the barn and Becca starts to unravel.

The two group date rejectees skulk back to the hotel where JoJo wonders how Ben can give Amanda “that much validation,” because she also got the group date rose last week. Becca cries some more and house mom JoJo consoles her.

On their now one-on-one date, the couple head to McDonald’s where the cashier tells Amanda she’s beautiful and they order breakfast at night because you can do that now and then they take drive-through orders. It’s all pretty cute and then they do a lady and the tramp thing with a french fry which is literally a recurring dream I have where Ryan Reynolds is on the other side of the french fry‎ and then teaches me how to use my phone because #romance.

Lastly they make their way to a county fair and Ben wins Amanda a stuffed donut and they brave a ride that was “put together in a day” and Ben pretends not to panic and Amanda thinks she is “very close to falling in love with Ben.”

Emily and Ben embark on their first one-on-one date and she’s bubbly and cute and is learning about swans. As Becca predicts, he brings her home to meet his parents but Caila sees Emily as a “bright-eyed puppy” who doesn’t pose much of a threat to the other women. “Talking to people can be a hard thing for me,” Emily says, apparently lying. She talks Ben’s mom’s ear off and mom’s verdict is: nice but young. Dad is a fan of Emily because she’s a “very nice young lady” (emphasis on young) and he`s not headless. Ben talks about how Emily blossomed after Haley went home.‎ When they chat alone she tells Ben`s dad she hates vegetables and would love to watch movies all day. Mom tears up telling Ben she worries about Emily’s ability to deal with some of the more serious parts of life. Basically she begs him not to pick Emily with her eyes. In his private interview Ben says he really likes Emily but wonders if she’s ready to be a wife. They head back to the house and upon arriving Ben is all ‘you’re amazing’ but tells Emily he can’t picture her being his wife. He tears up telling her he doesn’t see them going to the next step. Emily handles herself quite well, saying “I see it and it sucks that you can’t.” He tells her she’s incredible and tucks her hair behind her ear and they hug goodbye. P.S. The other women see this happening because they are staying in a house that is basically made of windows.

Emily confirms that Ben is sending her home while the other women pretend to be sad for her.‎ Emily is shocked but calls her time with Ben a “blessing,” wonders “why not me?” and adds that whoever ends up with Ben is “a very lucky girl.” Total class this girl. I didn’t think I’d be a fan but I have seen nothing but sweetness from Emily. The upside is she can go back to twinning it up with Haley and work on that dream of being a Broncos cheerleader.

On the night of the rose ceremony, Ben bros down with host Chris ‎Harrison and is all “I don’t know what I’m going to do bro.” It’s pretty obvious that Caila and Becca are on the chopping block tonight. After the last rose is handed out, Becca is the one sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. She will remain single for approximately 6 days before being wifed up by some handsome investment banker named, like, Thad or something.

“Why did you do that” she asks him and sighs a lot. Ben and Becca sit down where she is teary and reminds Ben she asked him not to blindside her. In the limo, Becca cries about putting herself in this position and wanting someone who loves her back while Ben sits sadly on a bench.

Next week: hometowns! Looks like this season’s crazy family is JoJo’s. I’ll be posting my recap Tuesday morning. Thanks for reading!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 1, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo Source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, which ended in a cliffhanger!

Ben and his harem are in beautiful Mexico City, all butchering Spanish. Ben strolls through the city in a blue polo and gazes at a fountain. Cue the Latin music. Emily is down a twin but excited to explore her relationship with Ben. Olivia is comforted by the presence of a bidet in their suite (she has one at home) and oh yeah she loves Ben and their “love language” and is pretty sure she’s getting the one-on-one date this week. But it’s cute mom Amanda who is on “cloud nine” as the recipient of the date card. “I just need that time with him to see if it’s worth it for me to be here,” says the adorable Amanda. Olivia is all “Her? But she has kids.” Ick.

It’s 4:20 am and Ben ‎sneaks into Amanda’s room to “see these girls in their element.” Element meaning no makeup and morning breath and retainers. I can’t decide if I love or hate that the women have to share beds. Who gets stuck sleeping with Olivia and her alleged dragon breath? “Whose weave is this?” Ben laughs pointing to someone’s fake hair on the bedside table. Amanda looks perfect (she’s probs used to no sleep given being a single mom to two small kids) and is ready to head out on their date in like 15 minutes.

They hop in a limo and make their way to a hot air balloon. Ben and Amanda float over ancient cities and say things like “this is so crazy/amazing” a lot and make out attractively. They cuddle up on a blanket in a field and Ben says he just likes being around her. “I still get nervous to really open up,” Amanda says and they toast with champagne to talking more about their lives. “I don’t want to scare him away,” Amanda worries.

Back at the hotel suite of nerves and jealousy, the women are moaning about how Amanda is on the longest date so far when a group date card arrives. It’s revealed that Lauren H. will be on the next solo date with the Bachelor.

Back on their date, Ben likes that Amanda always has a smile on her face. She’s all lip bitey and confessional and opens up about her first marriage which was full of “red flags.. After her second daughter was born she discovered texts on her husband’s phone and he was texting exes and meeting girls online and despite not wanting to break up her family she knew it was time to end things. “I never wanted to be a single mom,” Amanda admits and adds that she sometimes felt embarrassed that her marriage failed. She speaks extremely thoughtfully and eloquently. Ben is adamant that he doesn’t feel weird that she was married before. “I admire you,” he tells Amanda. “You’re incredible.” These two really bonded and she accepts his date rose. Ben’s voice-over says he can totally see a future with Amanda. I see a hometown date but not necessarily a forever with these two, as his connections with Lauren B. and JoJo (and, to a lesser degree, Caila) seem so much stronger after their one-on-one dates.

It’s group date day and Ben waves hard at his incoming harem. “I hate group dates!” Jubilee declares. Olivia can’t shut her mouth as usual and is “going to do anything” to get the date rose. The women and Ben enter a classroom and it’s time for a Spanish class. What’s Spanish for “what is that hair Becca?” She’s doing a weird mini bun thing. I’ll try and get a screengrab of it. Emily may no longer be “in it to twin it” since her sister was cut last week, but she shines sans Haley and is adorable with Ben.

Next they head to a restaurant for a cooking lesson. I love Mexican food so much that if I were on this date I would probably have forgotten Ben existed for like 18 minutes. Just long enough to eat like 47 tostadas. There’s an awkward moment when they have to pair off for a cooking challenge and Jubilee and Olivia are in a showdown for who gets to partner with Ben. Neither one is budging (Olivia does have those sturdy cankles on her side) and Olivia is all “I claimed you!” and since Olivia gets what Olivia wants that’s how that shakes out.

First the women must grocery shop in Spanish. I would mostly wander around murmuring “cervezas?” because I’m an asshole. “Ben and I are on a high right now!” gushes the delusional Olivia while she shops with Ben. “She literally makes me want to throw up and her breath is horrible” moans Emily while Ben suggests to Olivia that they find some mint (ha).

The date card arrives back at the hotel for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together” it reads. Already bored.

Back on the group date everyone is chopping and mincing and other cooking words. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatular,” Ben deadpans, handsomely. “I want to be his partner in life and his partner in cooking,” Olivia‎ states. Ben observes that Lauren B. and Jubilee are a little quiet and less enthusiastic than the other women, particularly Jubilee. Apparently a woman knows she’s ready to get married when her cooking game is up to par. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco, etc. She goes on about that for too long. The chefs comment that Olivia and Ben’s dish looks like dog food while Jubilee and Lauren’s dish gets top marks for being restaurant quality.

On the evening portion of their date, Olivia is once again the first to grab Ben for alone time and she is excited to “reconnect.” ‎Jubilee starts to unravel watching him walk away to spend time with the other women. Jennifer emphasizes she’s a commitment girl and Lauren B. gushes that their date from two weeks ago was beyond great and Ben says he never wanted it to end. These two!

Jubilee is in the crossed arms/angry eyebrows ‎phase of jealousy at this point in the evening and while Ben and Lauren B. make out on the street she tries to send someone named Leah who I keep forgetting exists out to interrupt them. When Jubilee finally gets her time she refuses to hold Ben’s hand and then complains about being on group dates and is worried he doesn’t remember her because he has been on “like 1000 dates” since theirs. Ben tells Jubilee he has felt her pulling away from him and that he’s not as confident in their connection anymore. He confronts her about the not hand holding thing and she says a part of that is having the other women around. “I just want it to be me and you…I don’t want you to give up on me.”

It has not gone unnoticed by the other women that Jubilee wouldn’t take Ben’s hand and Jubilee, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t mean to pull back. “Do you still feel at this point in time that there could be something between us?” Ben asks. Jubilee counters that she needs him to tell her‎ the same and Ben tells her he doesn’t feel a strong enough connection. “I think it’s best that tonight we say goodbye,” Ben says. He walks Jubilee out, and they hug goodbye. “I would have loved him unconditionally” she cries in her private interview. Ben takes a moment to gather himself while invisible Leah worries about heading into a rose ceremony without having had time to chat with him and everyone is probably thinking ‘who are you again?’. Ben struggles to explain sending Jubilee home and JoJo is the one to comfort him after and tell him how he handles himself with “class and grace.” “I’m done with breaking up with people after this,” Ben jokes and then because it’s the Bachelor they make out. “It’s all worth it!” he claims.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose, saying they “reconnected” after she had “struggled” a little‎ and for once everyone’s mouth but Olivia’s is wiiiiiide open.

The next day Ben and Lauren H. head out on their “game changer” (as per Lauren) date. The theme is fashion‎ and the two try on an array of outfits and Ben likes the kindergarten teacher’s “goofiness.” They learn they will be attending a show at Mexico City Fashion Week.

Meanwhile, in Olivia Land: “I’m not threatened by anyone who goes on a date with Ben…I’m back!” she declares, causing a flurry of hate tweets. Emily is sick of Olivia’s negative energy and is gearing up for a throwdown.

Lauren H. and Ben learn they will be walking the runway, and are given some catwalk training. Lauren bonds with the real models pre-show and Ben calms her nerves. She kills it on the runway, and Ben looks crazy handsome. They embrace backstage and Lauren insists this is the best day of her entire life. Clearly she’s never eaten two funnel cakes in one day.

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Lauren H. and Ben walk the runway at Mexico City Fashion Week. Photo source: nypost.com

“It’s been a slow burn with Lauren H.,” Ben says, heading into dinner. He wants to see if their connection can be more than just friends, and Lauren H. is worried about being put in the “friend zone.” She opens up to Ben about her last relationship which ended suddenly after four years and she learned later that he had been cheating on her. She has bounced back and is ready to “open up and let someone in” (way to insinuate “bone zone” over “friend zone” girl) and Ben is all over her speech. He calls her confident and cute and says “today was a really exciting day for me.” Meh, watching it was kind of boring for me but hey she’s sweet and nice and very well-spoken and for that, “slow burn” Lauren H. gets the date rose. Also, her go-to swear is “holy shoot” so she’ll be a fan fav soon enough.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben promises JoJo he will never blindside her and they do a dorky high five and I can see her and Lauren B. as final two for sure. Speaking of Lauren B., she tells Ben she can see a life with him. “Like, a life life,” she insists.

Nearby, Amanda is talking about custody arrangements with her ex and how he apparently picks up their daughters on Friday and ships them back on Saturday, prompting Olivia to comment that the conversation reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Everyone is offended, especially Emily for some reason.‎ Olivia, sensing the onslaught of shit about to come her way, gets emotional and claims she is going to “try harder” with the women. Emily goes to Ben and cries and tells him Olivia is fake and disrespectful and Ben is really starting to think he’s not seeing the real Olivia. Well, I’m sure given her cavernous mouth you could easily see inside the real Olivia. Close enough?

While Olivia works on buttering Ben up, Emily calls Haley and cries about mean bad Olivia. Ben tries to suss things out from Olivia who claims that everything is good in the house. “I’m just going to have to go with my gut,” he says, which apparently means pumping Amanda for more dirt on Olivia. He’s on the hunt for “red flags.” Both Amanda and Jennifer confirm the Olivia issues and there’s still no screen time for Leah. Before jumping into the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia‎ and people are hoping Olivia will be the first woman to have her rose taken away.  Which probs means that won’t happen. But we won’t find out tonight because this episode is — cue dramatic music — to be continued!

It looks like next week everyone cries and Ben stands on the edge of a cliff in a suit, maybe after sending Olivia and her cankles home and maybe not. In the outtakes from the episode, Lauren B. teaches Emily how to do a tequila shot. ‎I notice that Emily and I own the same t-shirt. Twinning!

I’ll be back next week. Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 25, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode. There was a super awkward dance, a panic attack, and three women left in tears. So, pretty typical stuff.

Ben’s harem is dwindling and the vibe around the house is a little off. Olivia is all “Ben is my man,” and Chris Harrison arrives to cut the tension and announce that they are off to meet Ben in Las Vegas. The twins are super amped because they are from Vegas (of course) and Olivia wants to see Celine Dion. Her mood is hugely improved and her mouth is bigger than ever. Cut to Ben saying people can totes find love in Vegas (and STDs and a gambling addiction, but those go unmentioned). Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the women scream and lose their shit on the strip over a sign welcoming them to sin city. “I feel like a baller” says Leah (who?). The date card arrives at their fancy suite and it’s for a trembling-with-anticipation JoJo‎. Olivia is “not threatened” by her “piece” going on dates with other women. Oh good.

The twins – Emily and Haley – occupy themselves by twinning while Olivia continues to be not bothered by Ben’s “journey with other women.” Speaking of Ben, he picks JoJo up and they kick off their date with a glass of champagne on a rooftop where a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Their  glasses go flying everywhere while the other women watch from their suite and laugh…until they spot the cute duo kissing. And with that, Olivia’s confident demeanor shatters because JoJo is pretty and smart and awesome sauce.

JoJo and Ben’s chemistry takes them to new heights (see what I did there) while Olivia declares she “loves this man.” A group date card arrives and Olivia is on it, meaning by process of elimination that Becca‎ will have the next one-on-one in Vegas.

Back on their date, Ben and JoJo are back on solid ground and Ben tells her there are so many things about her that he’s attracted to. Promising! “I came into this whole thing telling myself I was going to be openhearted,” JoJo confesses. She tells Ben she ended her last relationship five months ago and that there were trust issues. As Ben adorably fiddles with her bracelet, she states that she is 100% open to their connection. She easily lands the date rose. “Jojo is somebody I am falling for,” Ben says. He leads her to the roof where they cuddle and stare at the Vegas lights and watch fireworks and make out a bunch. “I feel like I was being cheated on,” a peeping Olivia says, idiotically.

The next day Ben meets his group daters. Twins Emily and Haley love his cute nose and Lauren H. is worried about nipple tassels. ‎Olivia is now calling herself the front-runner (in her private interviews) and the women learn they will be presenting at a talent show. The twins are grateful that their mom put them in Irish dancing and are “in it to twin it!” Aren’t we all. Jubilee plays cello. Lauren H. rocks a chicken suit and the women suspect Olivia has a talent other than “being the center of attention.” I’m guessing it has something to do with her mouth. Some guy named Terry Fator who I’ve never heard of but who is probably the world’s most famous ventriloquist announces they will be opening for him that night and then does some mildly creepy ventriloquism. Is there any other kind?  Cue the ticket refunds from some pissed off day drunks.

Olivia gets decked out a-la-showgirl – cankles on full display – practicing her shimmy and praising her decision to shave that morning. The women are just hoping her talent is disappearing. I would do horribly in this challenge unless sarcasm and guacamole eating are considered stage talents.

Cutie Caila is “internally combusting” with nerves while Olivia can’t wait to get out on stage and grab our Bachelor’s attention. She states that when her and Ben are alone it’s “bam shabam.” I do not make this stuff up.

Haley and Emily rock their Riverdance while the crowd enthusiastically claps along. Lauren B. (who earlier claimed herself to have no talent) juggles, talentless-ly (probably not a real word). ‎Olivia jumps out of a cake (doesn’t seem like it’s her first time) and sort of jerks around on the stage and it’s awkward but funny and hey at least this pretty much confirms she’s not a stripper. For her efforts, Olivia gets a hug from Ben and some sass from one of Terry’s less polite puppets.

Backstage, Olivia wanders off to cry real hard (accompanied by Rachel) while the other ladies toast to their stage show. ‎If you’re wondering, I took this commercial break to find something to put guacamole on while I tried to recover from my second-hand embarrassment for Olivia. I landed on ‘spoon.’

Still backstage, an over-sized cardboard cake is like “Gurllll that was rough. Also, whose huge mouth took this bite out of me?” Rachel is being too nice while Olivia continues to cry off her embarrassment. ‎”I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.” She is bummed about her ‘pity hug’ from Ben and is still reeling. “I’m here to be marriage material and I don’t think that (performance) was marriage material.”

Later that evening Ben thanks the women for being silly that day and Caila has her eye on the group date rose. It is her first group date, so she is thrilled when Ben pulls her away for some solo time. Caila immediately throws her arms around him and goes in for the makeout. Ben is amped to see her sexier side and legit refers to her as a “sex panther.” Hahahahahaha. ‎He’s super into Caila’s “quiet confidence”, and her body sitting on his body.

Lauren H. is out of the chicken suit and hot to trot. Her and Ben play with puppets in an empty theater and he says he wants to know the “cute, fun” Lauren so she kisses the puppet Ben and then the real Ben. I didn’t love her “soccer mom” comment last week but she’s growing on me.

The group date rose is on the table and Olivia pulls him away and opens with a joke about needing to get loaded to forget about her performance. She tells Ben she had “a complete breakdown” afterwards and lies that she’s not good at being “show-y.” Um, you should tell your mouth that. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed” he says, before Emily interrupts. How do you like that taste of your own medicine, Olivia? She shoves A LOT of her fingers into her mouth and says she’s scared that her brief time with Ben wasn’t enough to re-solidify their connection. Olivia returns to the group and finds some food to shove into her mouth instead of her own fingers.

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Olivia. Starved for fingers…and attention.

Ben and actual front runner Lauren B. are super into eachother. “I missed you soooo much” she tells our Bachelor and he assures her not to question his feelings. Lauren B. says she’s living with “all these amazing women” (nice!) and she realizes that Ben could so easily be falling for any of them. There’s a cute moment where she says she may have gone on her “last first date ever” with him and he seems super into it.

Caila uses a puppet to alert Jennifer that Olivia is en route to interrupt Ben and twin Emily despite Jennifer having not had time to chat with him. The ladies are so over Olivia tonight. “Can we start over?” Olivia half-pleads to the very confused Ben. “You don’t have to apologize,” Ben says and continues to be nice to her long enough for them to kiss and hopefully that will calm down some of her crazy. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B. and hugs her on top of Amanda‎ while Olivia is all maniac blinks.

The next day a box arrives for Becca and it’s a wedding dress in (appropriately) virgin white. She looks stunning in it of course but Jubilee ain’t worried. “She’s a virgin. If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, it isn’t going to happen in six hours.”

Becca says she feels totally different this time around. So basically that’s her finally  admitting that despite making it to the final two on Chris Soules’ season, she just wasn’t that into him. Their date starts at a chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…they they officiate weddings for some ‎randoms. Ben is ordained and Becca will be his assistant I presume. The first groom arrives and, yeah, Ben marries them. He’s so excited he forgets to tuck in his shirt. “We’ll cherish ‎that forever,” the groom says. The parade of couples continue and by the end, Ben and Becca have married a bunch of randoms including a dude in a tuxedo t-shirt.

JESUS CHRIST DID SOMEONE LET ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK BE MADE INTO A MOVIE?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT CALLED ‘THE CHOICE’?! I CHOOSE NO. Who is the monster that keeps green lighting these?  Sorry. Commercials.

Later that evening Ben takes Becca to the famed Vegas neon sign museum (I can’t believe I’ve not been yet – I’m due for a 3rd trip to Vegas) where they stroll hand-in-hand. “Can she love, can she feel, can she commit?” Ben wonders. “I care so much more at this point than I did last season” Becca tells Ben. “I think the outcome could be really great.” Ben is all ‘feel your feelings’ and he says he had some concerns about her going to the final two with Chris and seemingly not having strong feelings but apparently they have talked through that and he’s not worried anymore. Becca isn’t bothered by Ben not being a virgin (she’s probably a phenomenal kisser at this point), and he admires her commitment or whatever. “I really like you,” she gushes‎. They exchange adorable ‘vows’ and kiss a bunch and, to Ben, she is “perfect in every way.” Becca secures the date rose and could see herself saying yes to a proposal.

Host Chris Harrison drops by the next day to announce that Ben has asked to spend the day with the twins. Ooh a dreaded two-on-one! These typically end in an elimination. This should be…interesting. Or maybe he’ll keep them both and they can move in with those sister wives people who live nearby. Curious to know if Ben can even tell them apart. Also, did they do this date in Vegas to save on airfare sending one of the twins home since they are locals? Olivia’s mouth is on full alert and the women are wondering if maybe he will send them both home. “Dating twins has been difficult,” says Captain Obvious. He doesn’t think he can keep dating sisters. So, to help make his decision he brings them to their house where they live with their mom.

Haley’s (?) room contains stuffed animals‎ and not one but two photos of her ex-boyfriend. “I thought they would put these away,” she half moans. Then Ben and Emily (?) lay down on her bed and hold hands and it’s like watching two tweens on a first date.

Ben sits down with their gorgeous mom for some insight on the Doublemint blonde beauties and ultimately he says goodbye to Haley. I think Haley was my favourite. Maybe. I have no idea. Haley is “grateful that Emily gets to continue on this journey with Ben.” These are genuinely sweet girls and to her credit Emily is sad to see her sister go too. At least Haley has adorable dogs and her mom for comfort tonight. I’ve lost count of how many dachshunds they have but it’s enough to dive into an adorable puppy pile. Also, I believe this is the first time on this show that someone has been dumped in front of their mom. At least I hope so. Hey maybe now we’ll get to see Emily’s real occupation instead of her being referred to as “twin”. Or is she funemployed too?‎ Also, if he ends up with Emily (he won’t) I would pay to see footage of that first family Thanksgiving.Moving on.

“There’s our boyfriend” someone announces hilariously as Ben approaches to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Olivia’s plans to (as per usual) pull Ben away first are foiled by Jennifer (go girl!) who confesses that she had planned to be the first to get some time with Ben. Unfortunately, Olivia just doesn’t give a shit and after what seems like seconds makes her way over and shoos away Jennifer so that her and Ben can eat cake and she can tell him three times that she is falling for him. Olivia, everyone knows that no one claims to be in love week four. That’s really more of a week five kind of crazy. Olivia tells JoJo that she’s falling in love with Ben and claims it was “reciprocated.” Um, no.

Jubilee and Ben share their first screen time tonight and he reiterates that he finds her sweet, beautiful and funny‎. She’s worried that being complicated is working against her. “I’m intrigued by you,” he reassures Jubilee.

They are setting this up for either Olivia or Jennifer (and probs Amber or Rachel) to be sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. I know Olivia is great TV‎ and all y’all but it’s time right? Jennifer gets a rose and Olivia is getting visibly nervous. The last rose of the evening goes to self-appointed “best for last” Olivia, meaning Amber and Rachel are dunzo. I will forget Amber was even there by the credits but I would have liked to see more of ‘unemployed’ Rachel. I thought she may be a dark horse but I think that may turn out to be Jennifer. I love that Amber removes her heels upon her exit. Love. She cries a LOT on a pool chaise and sobs that she “didn’t want to get hurt again.” So maybe lay off the dating shows, darling.

Next week promises a ton of Jubilee drama and Olivia targeting single mom Amanda.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Eight

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 8 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 23, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We’re down to the final three women – Kaitlyn, Whitney and Becca. Chris and the ladies are in Bali, and this is the week of the overnight ‘Fantasy Suite’ dates.

His first date in Bali is with spunky Kaitlyn, and they head into a temple and participate in some spiritual customs (which include attempting to balance a basket/box on their heads). Bali is so beautiful but I can feel sympathy sweat trickling down my back just imaging how humid it must be there. Kaitlyn is looking to let her guard down with Chris, who seems remarkably comfortable in Indonesia given his small-town farm life in isolated Iowa. The language barrier works for him here, since he’s not that great with the whole talking thing anyways. It’s just a lot of smiles and stranger hugs and everyone’s best friends in 5 minutes. Chris and Kaitlyn wander the streets and stop for roadside beers. Why did the monkey cross the road? To hiss at Chris, apparently. The cute duo have a brief run-in with some feisty street monkeys. Later, a different(?) monkey pees on Chris while he feeds it a banana (I hate bananas, so I understand this reaction) and then they sit on a bench and make out for what seems like hours. Kaitlyn tells Chris that her family L.O.V.E.D him lots. “Every moment that I have with Chris is exciting,” Kaitlyn gushes. For the evening portion of their date, they stroll a candlelit path and make their way to a ‘dinner’ (no one ever eats) and basically engage in “no, you’re prettier” banter. Kaitlyn admits her guard is up but she wants very badly to “let it down.” Kaitlyn accepts Chris’ invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, where she admits that she is “completely falling in love” with Chris. Chris responds that he is falling in love with her as well. WHOA! Is he even allowed to say that?! Rule breaking farmer! Love it.

Chris and Whitney’s date on a boat starts its ‘journey’ by being steered into the dock by the Captain, who assures us that it’s all good by flashing a thumbs up. Ok buddy, You just crashed a boat into the thing you were specifically moving away from. Not inspiring total confidence. Over tons of wine, the couple explore the Indian Ocean. Whitney lets Chris know that her sister Kimberly can be a bit of a Debbie Downer. She is an attorney after all – Whitney wants us to know – by way of explanation (?). So Whitney just hopes that her sister’s hesitation the previous week in giving Chris her “blessing” to propose to Whitney (should that time come) won’t fuck things up for her. Chris isn’t bothered. His feelings for Whitney are “really strong” and he’s confident that when the time is right he’ll get that blessing. Even her “soul” is confident that she’ll marry Chris. Over (more wine), Whitney reiterates to Chris that she’s head over heels in love. The boat captain gives the thumbs up. But he also gave the thumbs up after bumping the boat into the dock earlier, so maybe he’s just fast and loose with the thumbs up.

For the evening portion of their date, Whitney is wearing the shit out of a chartreuse dress and the main thing on Chris’ mind is taking Whitney away from her career in Chicago as a fertility nurse. She assures him that she’s more than happy to move to Iowa. Whitney is the only woman left who hadn’t seen Arlington, so Chris wants to really make sure she knows how teeny tiny it is. 500 people, remember. And if you want to do something, anything, you better be ready to drive. “I have always wanted to be a wife and to be a mom…I have this career but I’m not fully happy because I feel that there’s half of me missing and that’s to be a wife and a mom. If I move to Arlington I would leave that (career) and be ready to have babies,” Whitney declares. My insides groan, but really what else was she going to say? She’s in love. This is what people do. Or at least promise to do on television. So we know for sure where Whitney stands. Chris admits in his private interview that he’s falling in love with Whitney. I’ve no doubt that her willingness to move to Arlington has likely secured her a spot in the final two. I adore Kaitlyn but I think she’d lose her mind in a small town. There aren’t even any tattoo parlours! Shudder. Whitney also accepts the Fantasy Suite date card and with a cute giggle and a “cheque please!” they head back to the hotel, which has been kitted out with candles, matching robes, and a bubble bath.

The final date of the week is with Becca the virgin, and my how Chris’ penis must be tired. Luckily it will probs get a rest tonight. Chris apparently packed a full complement of pastel-coloured shirts, and today he’s wearing a lovely sherbet-coloured one. He pals around with a couple of local kids, and then him and Becca sit in a temple and question the local medium, asking “are we meant to be together?” The answer? They’re a very good couple. Becca asks for advice for their “very important” date that night and the advice is to “make love.” Specifically, while facing west. Amazingly awkward. Afterwards, Becca reveals to Chris that she’s learned a lot about herself through this experience. She too is falling in love, but Chris admits in his voice-over to having some lingering doubts because her family indicated during hometown week that Becca has never really been in love. Meanwhile, Becca is worried that her virginity might be a deal-breaker.

Over dinner Chris tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her (three for three! and unprecedented in Bachelor history), and when the Fantasy Suite date card arrives they both agree that they want to spend more time together. But no virgin confession yet. Over champagne Becca cheers to “falling in love in the most unexpected way” and reiterates that she feels she’s falling in love with Chris. She announces that she’s a virgin and Chris’ face briefly look stunned, then not surprised at all, then amused. “I respect that in a lot of ways,” he says, clearly not speaking on behalf of his penis. He adds that he’s more interested in finding out if they work as a couple. “I’m 100% in,” says Becca. And we’re left to wonder if Chris gets 100% in or just, like, the tip.

After the Fantasy Suite dates are done, Chris has to decide who to send home. He ponders that Whitney and Kaitlyn have confirmed they love him to his face (as opposed to ‘falling in love’), but he also really cares about Becca. He tears up during his on-camera interview, saying he wishes all three women could meet his family. “The toughest thing right now for me is worrying about making a mistake…but it’s not just about me.” He bros down with host Chris Harrison and talks about his struggle. It sounds like Whitney is for sure getting a rose, then probs Kaitlyn as Becca seems like the biggest question mark; however, Chris goes on about how much he liked Becca’s family and can see that she’s a passionate person. I just wish she had a bit more…spark. Spark is the word I’m looking for. Whitney and Kaitlyn have spark in spades.

At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison (dressed in white with a colourful sash, as is the Bachelor) lets Chris know that the temple chosen for this ceremony is of the ‘don’t kiss here’ variety. Chris is visibly nervous and is trusting his gut to make the right choice. He stands before the final three ladies and says that the decision has been “excruciating.” Before he makes his announcement, he asks to speak to Becca privately. Whitney says that Becca had mentioned feeling like she was going to be sent home, so assumes that this is Chris pulling Becca aside to say goodbye privately. Becca doesn’t want to leave without Chris knowing how she feels. She talks about love and being in love and then we learn that in the Fantasy Suite Chris had asked her if her feelings were because of the show or because they’re her feelings. Becca now assures him that the show can only take credit for introducing them and that’s all. This is the most Becca has ever spoken! “This week is nothing I could’ve prepared myself for.” Still, she is talking like she is being sent home.

Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Whitney are tossing about theories as to what’s going on with Becca and Chris. Kaitlyn feels guilty for being excited about making it to the final two and meeting Chris’ family while Becca is (presumably) being kicked to the curb. Whitney feels that Becca is “young” and may not be ready for marriage. Both are understandably surprised to see Chris returning with Becca. It’s unclear at this moment whether Chris wanted to chat with Becca to confirm his decision to keep her through to the final two, or if he had been planning to send her home and she, for lack of a better term, talked him out of it.

Predictably, the first rose goes to Whitney and Kaitlyn is ultimately the one send packing. Boo. I really really like Kaitlyn. But truth? I think she might be too cool for Chris. She cares about him and all, but I think life in Arlington would’ve gotten real old, real quick. Kaitlyn and Chris leave the temple holding hands (not against temple rules, just keep those hands where we can see them folks). She asks “what happened” and he responds that “nothing happened…just certain things I don’t even understand right now.” Not the best answer, but par for the course for Chris. While a rooster crows in the background (I’m terrified of roosters, they look like they know more than they let on), Chris tells Kaitlyn that he could see a life with her and thinks the world of her but…you know. It is what it is. “There’s no real right decision,” he confesses, confusingly. He hugs a crying Kaitlyn, who doesn’t want to leave. But the driver starts the engine, basically being all “let’s go lady.” Her heart may be broken, but Kaitlyn remembers to buckle up when she is driven off. Safety first! She says it’s the most humiliating moment of her life and is “really, really confused.” You know what will help with that? Realizing that Chris is kind of boring (albeit a total sweetheart) and you’re probs going to be the next Bachelorette.

Next week it’s the Women Tell All special. Can’t wait to see what happens with Britt and the much-hated Kelsey.

RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Seven (Part 2)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 7 (Part 2) of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 16, 2015).

Let’s jump right into the second half of The Bachelor’s two-night special. Sunday night’s episode ended with the ladies speculating the end for Britt, after a pouty meltdown on a group date with Carly and Kaitlyn. Host Chris Harrison promises that the “drama in Iowa continues.” We pick up the action with Chris strolling the streets of Des Moines and thinking about how awkward Britt made things after she didn’t get the date rose. Chris and Becca meet up for their date at the loft where he is staying. He tells her that things feel “real” when they are together. Real…kinda boring? Becca opens up about the fact that she’s never been in love before, despite having been in an on-and-off relationship for four years. All sex free years, remember. She admits that she wouldn’t necessarily accept if he proposed today (good!). Don’t worry honey, a proposal is, like, three whole weeks away. That’s enough time, right? Ha. Chris and Becca head to the roof to watch the sunset and do that awkward peck kissing thing they do.

Back at the hotel, the gals are gossiping about Britt’s disastrous outburst the night before and she drops a bomb: she’s packed her bags and is thinking of leaving before the rose ceremony the next night. For some reason the women start to talk her out of it, and she cries, but Carly thinks it’s all for show and calls Britt out on her wishy-washyness (not a word) because Carly doesn’t believe for a second that Britt is bailing. Whitney muses that Britt is cracking because for the first time since night one she isn’t getting exactly what she wants, and what she wants is for Chris to always be “fighting for her.”

The following evening finds the ladies preparing for the final rose ceremony before hometown date week. Jade is preparing to reveal that she posed for Playboy while Britt says she is gearing up to leave before the ceremony, because she’s not sure if she’s ready for Chris to meet her family. She is mentally preparing to say goodbye and get “closure.” The other women are beyond convinced that this ‘I’m leaving’ thing is all a sherade and that Britt is simply setting up a scenario where she says she’s leaving in the hopes that Chris will beg her to stay. Host Chris Harrison arrives and makes a shocking announcement: there will be no cocktail party beforehand, so instead the remaining women head straight to the rose ceremony.

Chris launches into his (horrible, as usual) pre-elimination speech and Britt interrupts, asking to speak to him privately. “She wants him to beg, and if not she’s leaving him,” Jade predicts. Once she has Chris alone, Britt apologizes for her behaviour on the group date while back inside the other woman try to not vomit in frustration. “I think she could convince him,” Kaitlyn grudgingly admits. Chris tells Britt that she put him in a “tough position” and reveals that some of the other women have questioned her honesty, particularly about her reaction to his hometown of Arlington. Britt wants to know from whom he heard that she wasn’t being honest, and WAS IT CARLY? When he asks if that’s important Britt insists that it is. Things get a bit heated and Chris has clearly had enough. He stands up and they hug and I have no idea what’s going on and then he’s walking Britt out the door and they say goodbye. Insert screeching tire sound here. Chris looks totally gutted and Britt sits on a curb sobbing, while inside the atmosphere is just short of a mardi gras parade.
Chris returns to his ladies and confirms that he has sent Britt home, and he thanks them (translation: Carly) for helping confirm the doubts he had about Britt before handing out roses. Alas, Carly is left without a rose and is therefore sent packing. The girls are all genuinely sad to see Carly go, probs because she’s the funny one and she looks like she’d be amazing at French-braiding hair. Also, she was sort of the buffer – as long as Carly was around there was a spare woman who was always up on the chopping block. And now the buffer has been sent home crying in a limo and things are getting real.
In what may end up being the shortest season of The Bachelor ever, we’re down to four women‎ and it’s time for hometown dates. First up is Becca in Louisiana. Our last virgin standing is a smitten kitten when it comes to Chris, who also happens to be the first man she has brought home to meet her folks. Chris is mildly freaked but Becca puts his mind at ease. “I can only see my feelings progressing” she gushes. Chris is introduced to Becca’s large and attractive family and her sister confides in Chris that Becca isn’t usually an “intimate” or “affectionate” person. ‎This is a bit of a red flag for Chris. After all, living on a farm in isolated Arlington leaves plenty of time for boning, so he’d likely prefer a woman who’s into some PDA. When talking to Becca’s lovely mom, she says she has never seen Becca be so affectionate with a man. Remember: Chris doesn’t know Becca is a virgin. Becca’s sister Katie reminds her that fantasy suite dates are around the corner. Thanks Captain Obvious! “It would be really great to be the guy that Becca has been waiting for,” Chris declares. After family time, Chris whisks Becca away to a nearby state fair so they can kiss on a ferris wheel. Finally a kiss that lasts longer than two seconds! Becca thinks that maybe possibly maybe this could be the night she would look back on and think that this is when she started to maybe fall in love. Maybe.
‎Next up Chris heads to Chicago to visit fertility nurse and world’s perkiest woman, Whitney. After a pretty adorable one-on-one date in Des Moines, the stakes are high on this hometown date. Whitney kicks things off by teasing Chris that they are off to “make a baby,” so they head to her work and change into scrubs. She walks Chris through a fertilization and gosh Whitney is so cute showing Chris her work. There’s an obligatory peak into the room where the “magic happens.” Chris notices the Playboys (probs not the one with Jade, this place seems like they keep their subscription up-to-date) that are in the room to help with the aforementioned “magic.” I appreciate that Whitney keeps the joke going for like 5 minutes too long.
‎Later that day, Chris asks Whitney who, given that her father isn’t in her life and her mom passed away a few years back, would be the person Chris would need to get ‘permission’ from should things progress. She says it’s her sister. During the ‘meet the family’ portion of the evening, Whitney’s uncle John pulls Chris aside for a talk, and Chris emphasizes their compatibility. Her sister wonders if living in Arlington is really feasible, and Whitney desperately wants her sister to give her approval but it doesn’t appear that things will go smoothly if Chris were to ask. After all, there are four other women left in play. Chris asks for her sister’s blessing and she answers honestly that she doesn’t like the idea of her sister being one of four so “call me when you have that (certainty) for her.” Fair enough! I wonder if Chris requested similar permission from all of the families and those parts were edited out or if he really only asked Whitney’s family? Hmm.
‎When Whitney questions Chris about it later she is so worried that the lack of a family blessing will work against her. He circles around the topic a bit and says just enough to take Whitney’s panic level from an eight to a four, and then Whitney shows him a bottle of wine from Napa that she had been saving to share with the man she planned to marry. She cries and tells Chris that she’s fallen in love with him and then they suck face and drink the aspirational wine.  Chris declares that Whitney “brings out the best in me.” I’m just impressed that she held on to wine for that long. Wine doesn’t last long in my apartment. I’ll always find some excuse to partake, like “hey it’s Monday” or “this wine would pair perfectly with this bucket of chicken.” It physically hurt me not to be able to bring wine home from my November visit to Napa. I had to pick between carry-on luggage and being able to bring wine back. The connecting flights forced my hand, and carry-on luggage won out. Boo.
For their date, Canadian gal Kaitlyn‎ meets Chris behind some dumpsters in Phoenix. Perfect! Phoenix is where her family “winters” when they’re not in Alberta. She resides in Vancouver. They head into a recording studio to record a love rap, and the vibe is cute and playful. ‎Chris is as good at rapping as he is at speeches. So, not good. At all. “She would make life fun,” he says, eyes aglow. Chris is introduced to Kaitlyn’s parents and their respective spouses. It’s nice to see a family where the parents are divorced and remarried but can all hang out together and meet some guy from TV who has spent roughly eight hours with their daughter and might be her fiance in a hot minute. Kaitlyn can’t stop smiling and she gushes to her mom that she’s “so excited” about Chris. “I know I need to be in love (to move) and I see huge potential.” She later leads Chris to a billboard sign that reads Kaitlyn ♥ Chris and it’s a super sweet moment.
Randomly, I miss Britt. It’s weird that she’s not around, right? Totally didn’t expect her to leave this week.
Chris meets Jade in Nebraska (though she makes her home in LA these days) and she’s worried about her pending Playboy confession. Chris is introduced to Jade’s mom, dad and future step-mom (everyone is so civilized!), and he gifts Jade a letter jacket. Something about sports? Who cares. As an aside: it drives me nuts when people wear shoes in the home. Chris talks to Jade’s dad Laren about appreciating Jade’s values, and says he’s falling in love with her. Laren brings up Jade’s ex-boyfriends (why?)  saying that she can be “too much” for some men. He also hints that there’s another side to Jade, and the comment doesn’t go unnoticed by Chris. I’m guessing that side is ass-up? Jade’s brother Zach refers to her as a “wild mustang” and “free spirit.” So… maybe not the sort of girl looking to settle down and move to Iowa. When Jade chats alone with her dad, he gets emotional telling her that he just hopes she can settle down with a man who likes her for who she is. Translation: I love you and you deserve the best and you’re great but please for the love of god keep your clothes on.
The duo make their way to Chris’ hotel, and she launches into her confession: “There are some things about me that would surprise you…” Jade finally reveals her Playboy past and 15 muscles in Chris’s face strain to not react. She then, inexplicably, offers to show him some of the photos and Chris let’s out a choked laugh and agrees to see them. Jade brings the photos up on her laptop (convenient that she brought that along) and Chris is treated to full frontal Jade. He giggles nervously and practically chews his hand off. Oh there’s a behind-the-scenes video too. In his private on-camera interview, Chris comments that “Jade seemed like a very innocent, somewhat shy girl. I would’ve never expected something like this to be part of her past.” He tells Jade that “something like that” wouldn’t make him think any differently of her. Hey, she did make that cute speech before about how Chris shouldn’t feel ashamed about loving Arlington, so let’s just call them even? “I know who you are as a person,” he assures her. “If she’s my soul mate I’ll stand behind her,” Chris declares. Cue 500,000 Google image searches for “Jade Elizabeth Playboy”.  But hey, who are we to judge? Everyone goes a little “wild mustang” when they move away from their childhood home. I bought a whimsical set of salt and pepper shakers and a stereo system from Coscto. I get it.
With the hometown dates complete, ‎it’s time for another rose ceremony. It’s between Jade and Becca for the last rose. Ultimately, Jade is sent packing which actually isn’t that shocking if you’ve been paying attention. During week one on the red carpet host Chris Harrison said a virgin ended up in the fantasy suite so we knew Becca was going to make it to the final three. I honestly thought Chris would keep Jade if only to prove how non-judgmental he was, but honestly his connection is stronger with the rest of the women. He walks Jade out and says things have moved faster with all the other girls and that’s “all there is to it.” Jade cries but handles herself so well. “You’ve been a gift to me just to have you in my life” he tells her. I am going to let the white shoes with a black dress slide because Jade is a super sweet chick. Chris watches her being driven away in the sad gal limo, crying. Probs because he knows what she looks like naked and won’t get to see it again. In the limo, Jade is crying prettily and says “I really did have feelings for him.” Sigh. And then there were three!
Until next week!