Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 13, 2014).
Sorry I’m a week late in posting this, but I was in Honduras frolicking on the beach and drinking lemon daiquiris. Forgive me?
We start with hairstylist Clare who is preparing for her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo – the first of the season! JP arrives at the Estrogen Palace to whisk her away in a blindfold. Upon arriving at their destination, Juan carries Clare piggyback-style to a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles. The music swells and there’s lots of giggling, and Clare – predictably – describes it as a “fairytale”. Groan. Later they do some skating that’s really mostly falling.
Back at the house, “free spirit” Lucy has seemingly forgotten her bikini tops at home or wherever her gypsy ass has been sleeping and is lounging about the pool sans top. When the next Juan-on-Juan (these jokes write themselves, folks!) date card arrives it’s for Kat. At this point, the women are all being super duper supportive and nice to each other. It’s…odd. But refreshing.
Back on their date, the duo are – in typical Bachelor fashion – in a hot tub. Clare is “letting her guard down” by talking about her dad who passed away, and Juan appreciates her ‘high standards” in men. Clare happily accepts JP’s date rose. A chubby version of Jimmy Fallon with a beard and a guitar (I’m not bothering to google his name, sorry) serenades them so they can dance in bathing suits (Clare wears some sort of yeti coat). Bo-ring.
The next day, JP and Kat (in tiny white shorts and knotted chambray shirt) board a PJ (that’s ‘private jet’ for you peasants) and change into douchebag/raver outfits. Their ultimate destination is the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah. Fun! At one point they get to dance on stage and Juan presents Kat with the date rose in front of a day-glo’d crowd.
Meanwhile at the house, a group date card arrives (via dog Molly) for “the lucky 13” – Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy. The ladies find themselves at a photo shoot for charity Models ‘n Mutts, which is exactly what it sounds like. After heading into hair and makeup (to hopefully end up looking cuter than the dogs), first grade teacher Elise isn’t too pleased when she learns her outfit for the photo shoot basically consists of two postcard-sized pieces of cardboard. But Andi wins because her outfit is literally one piece of cardboard. So…naked.
Elise corners Lucy (whose fear of being peed on is likely the reason that Bachelor producers have opted to outfit her in a fire hydrant costume) to play ‘let’s make a deal,’ and they switch costumes. “I was happy to take off my top, as always,” confirms Lucy, who later walks a dog down the street wearing a thong and nothing else. I can feel her parents’ pride from here.
Juan Pablo poses with the “elegant” Cassandra and “stunning” Renee, while Assistant District Attorney Andi is freaking the fuck out (understandably) about her next-to-nothing “costume”. JP calms her down and assures Andi that he will be by her side during the shoot and it will be an “aventura!” Memo to self: when faced with a mortifying situation, describe it using Spanish verbs. All will be fine.
After the photo shoot, JP and his harem head to a rooftop pool. Cassandra quickly pulls him aside for some private talk and confesses she has a two-year-old son named Trey (?) and also that she calls her mom 20 times a day. JP takes it all in stride. “Elegant” single mom Renee is really gunning for a kiss from JP during their solo time, but instead gets pulled into a hug and only manages to get in a quick side lip peck. As JP wanders off to chat with various ladies, Victoria is busy getting a hammered. When confronted with a suggestion to “tone it down”, she slurs that she’s not drunk and she’s just “fun sober.” In her private on-camera interview, Victoria waxes poetic about the meaning of life. In case you were wondering, it’s straddling people. She also prattles on about something called the “hymen maneuver.” I’m laughing so hard that I almost forget about her oddly aggressive eyebrows for a minute.
Nikki and JP have a cute couch pow-wow that’s soon interrupted by hot mess express and Victoria. She quickly disappears and locks herself in a bathroom where she starts in on the crying-and-“I-want-to-go-home’-phase of her self-destruction. Renee tries unsuccessfully to comfort a now shrieking and bleeped out Victoria. Bachelor producer (and internet famous) Elan also takes a stab at placating her, without much success. She staunchly refuses to talk to a concerned Juan Pablo who hunts her down in the bathroom, and eventually she’s sent to dry out somewhere else. The date rose ultimately goes to ‘dog lover’ Kelly. I thought for sure Andi or Nikki would get it.
The next morning, Juan Pablo checks in on Victoria who practically sneers “sorry about last niiiiiiiiiiiiiight?” and quasi-apologizes (?) for “setting off the crazy train.” But she doesn’t think anyone should be mad at her because she just feels things so intensely; that said, Victoria admits to being “mortified” and adds that she could have been more “adult about it”. JP opts to send drunkie home immediately, because that’s the “rightest thing to do”.
Time for the cocktail pre-rose ceremony party! JP announces that he’s sent Victoria home and barely an eyebrow is raised. Reporter Amy attempts to brush up on her interview skills and grills Juan Pablo who says she has a “nice smile,” but the whole thing falls a bit flat. Nice makeup though, Amy. Canadian gal Sharleen seems more enthused this week. Last week she looked mortified to receive the first impression rose, and was not part of the group date this week. Sharleen immediately apologizes to Juan for being “ungracious” when he presented her with the rose. I kind of liked her better when she was being stand-offish and I suspect Juan Pablo was intrigued by the challenge of winning her over. Oh well.
Cassandra is missing her son and is crying and looking at pictures of him. She confides in Renee, who seems to have assumed the role of group counsellor. Renee accompanies her to chat with JP, who greets them with “the two moms!”. He convinces Cassandra to stick it out, and promises not to dick her around. They seal the deal with a fist bump explosion. It’s a cute moment actually. He seems really into her.
So what did you think of week two. Kind of boring, no? I have high hopes for next week.