The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Eight Recap (Part 2)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week eight (part 2) of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Tuesday, February 25, 2014).

It’s a double dose of El Bachelor drama this week! If you missed my post on Monday’s episode, you can check it out here.

Right off the bat we’re warned that Juan Pablo may get more than he bargained for. IS IT CHLAMYDIA? Because I imagine he bargained for that. Anyhoodle, Juan and his three remaining women are in beautiful Saint Lucia. JP is wandering the streets, pondering his upcoming overnight dates, and looking forward hanging out with the woman in complete privacy.

The first lady Juan Pablo will be spending time with is Clare, who’s falling in love. She’s all baby talk and gushiness and pouty lips. Frankly it’s all a little exhausting to watch. They venture out on a boat and Clare is debating whether she would accept an overnight stay in the Fantasy Suite, as opposed to staying in her own room that night. After their disastrous late-night ocean hook-up, Clare’s definitely being more cautious and doesn’t want to do anything that would, frankly, make her look like a massive skankbasket. The skies are gray but the duo still head out for a swim. Clare wants to tell JP that she’s falling in love but it’s “scary”. When they head to dinner that night, Clare is wearing a white dress (hello subliminal message!) and really wants Juan to notice. “We’re going to get to know each other better. A lot better,” says JP. Clare asks if “it would be weird” if she met Carla who is Juan Pablo’s ex and the mother of his daughter. “I feel like Camila already has a mom…you know how people get weird about stuff like that?” she asks. “I would want to talk to her and let her know how I feel, you know?” Apparently JP likes that she’s been doing “some good thinking.” Bringing it up in the context of meeting his ex seemed a bit odd to me but JP seems cool. Clare reads the Fantasy Card suite invite aloud and he asks what she wants to do. Way to keep your hands clean, buddy. After the quasi-slut shaming you put Clare through a few weeks back, you certainly don’t want to appear to care either way. After a dramatically deep breath and a long pause, Clare brings up the “discussion” they had in Vietnam. She mentions that her concern was what his daughter would think. Juan reassures her that this week is all about the overnights, really. That’s part of the whole process and..expected? I guess. Basically what he’s saying is there’s a time and a place and this is it. Again. Because of Vietnam. But clean slate. Or whatever. Clare agrees and they leave dinner (and sliders…WHO LEAVES SLIDERS UNEATEN?).

Clare and JP enter the Fantasy Suite and sip on champagne and Clare tells Juan “I’m just, like, loving falling in love with you.” More pouty lips. God that would get annoying quickly I would think. El Bachelor seems to like it. “I know you don’t have to say anything back right now, but everything has been from my heart,” Clare adds. Then she used the phrase “you melted me” and I had to pause to brush my teeth, from the gagging. Tea burns on the way up, by the way. In true Bachelor fashion, they jump into the hot tub to continue making out. According to Juan Pablo, the rest of the night didn’t go farther than talking (and talking and talking) and cuddling.

After his romantic overnight with Clare, JP meets up with Andi, looking radiant in a red sundress. I kind of hope they give the Bachelor a day off in between overnight dates. To replenish. And nap! And try on linen shirts. These are the things I imagine he does. Andi and JP get a quick lesson in playing the steel drum and he pulls her in for a sweet hug. They sit down for a snack with the cutest little local boys, and JP buys them all a round of fruit punch. Turns out these kids are soccer fans, so the group play a quick pickup game. Afterwards, a sweaty El Bachelor and Andi hop in a land buggy and end up having a picnic lunch by a beautiful waterfall in the jungle where Andi wants to know what he talked about with her family during hometown week. Over champagne and fruit, JP tells her that he loved what Andi’s dad had to say about wanting to reserve his approval on a possible marriage proposal until when (and if) that time comes. They end the afternoon with a cool off under the falls. BUT WILL THEIR CONNECTION COOL ALSO?We’ve been teased with a ‘dramatic’ incident between Andi and JP that is set to happen in this episode.

Over dinner, the very attractive duo get cozy on a couch but JP has something very specific on his mind: a comment Assistant District Attorney Andi made in her hometown about wanting badly to fall in love. He feels that it sounded too ‘forced.’ “Wanting it badly, to me, is different than ‘forcing it,” Andi explains. “There’s nothing wrong with thinking,” Juan assures her. “My concern has been answered.” Andi likes that El Bachelor was really listening to her in Atlanta, and he assures her that he is always paying close attention, because that’s part of him being able to make his final decision. When she asks if Juan thinks she would be a good step-mom for Camila he answers very honestly: “I don’t know. That’s why I have an overnight tonight with you. So we can talk about a lot of things.” Andi seems unfazed by his answer and honestly he makes a good point. This is his child. It’s kind of a big deal to take on that role. Andi reads the Fantasy Suite card aloud and the duo mutually decide to spend the night together.

The next morning, Juan is happy and feeling great. He says after the night they spent together, Andi “could be the one.” “Waking up this morning, I’m so happy about Andi… we freakin’ talked and laughed for hours.” He also likes her pinch-able cheeks. Andi has a completely different take on the evening. She confesses she “could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite” that morning. Shitballs. “The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare…I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like and the whole night was just a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well.”

Insert screeching tire noise.

The fuck?

Andi feels that JP doesn’t really care about who she is or what she wants in life, and claims he always steers the conversation back to him. She’s also annoyed that he mentioned having an overnight date with Clare while they were enjoying their Fantasy Suite time. “I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask.,” Andi fumes. Later: “He thinks that he can say whatever he wants to say and that everyone’s going to laugh and still fall in love with him and that it’s all fun and games, but it gets to a point where it’s just offensive.”


“It’s just not in me to sit here and be fake about it when I know after last night..after talking to him and getting to know him and seeing what life would be like with him….I know that I wouldn’t end up marrying him. I know that he’s not the one,” Andi states. I can’t say I’m shocked by what she’s saying. I’ve not been a huge fan of Juan Pablo’s from the start, including on Desiree’s season. He always struck me as kind of misogynistic and self-involved. But I saw moments throughout the season – particularly when he was with Sharleen – that made me think maybe I was judging him too harshly. It seems like Andi’s made up her mind (boo, she was my favourite of the remaining women), but we won’t find out for a bit if that means she’s saying adios, because it’s time for Juan’s overnight date with Nikki.

Juan Pablo is horse whispering and waiting for Nikki, who I still have some doubts about. She’s cute and fun and everything, but there’s something off. And not just her outfit, which consists of patterned harem pants and a fringe bikini top. They make their way on horseback to a nearby beach. “I know that I’m ready. I know that this is what I want. This whole thing. You,” Nikki tells Juan. Later they make out attractively in the ocean. Another dinner. Another pointless conversation. Another Fantasy Suite acceptance. Blah blah blah. Reasons why Juan Pablo feels Nikki could be a good wife for him? She’s pretty, sexy, honest, and she cares about people. In a super grating baby voice, Nikki tells JP that she loves him. After more kissing it’s lights out in the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning brings another rose ceremony day. Host Chris Harrison meets with Juan Pablo so that he can view the three pre-taped messages from his remaining women (in case you’ve forgotten who they are, there are photos of them set up on a ledge behind JP).

Nikki’s video is first. She rehashes their dates and uses the word ‘awesome’ with gusto. Clare continues to over-enunciate every syllable. Then it’s time for Andi. “Starting this journey I had absolutely no idea what to expect..I remember you telling me just to trust you and waking up after the Fantasy Suite…there were a ton of thoughts that went through my mind and I realized that I wanted to share those thoughts with you…in person.” Andi’s voic eover re-confirms she knows for sure that JP isn’t the man for her.

After a commercial break, Andi says “there is no doubt in my mind” that they don’t have a future. “All he wants to do was say ‘it’s ok’ and give me a kiss,” Andi describes of their conversations together in the Fantasy Suite, when she tried to talk to him about more serious things.

Andi arrives to talk to Juan Pablo and the conversation quickly gets heated. “Going to the Fantasy Suite and waking up the next morning…I realized that I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and despite all the great feelings and great adventures it wasn’t going to work.”

“That’s fine, that’s ok,” Juan tells her. “If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

Perhaps it is JP’s nonchalance and seemingly flip response that sets her off (though perhaps that’s the language barrier, which even host Chris Harrison addressed when asking El Bachelor to clarify if he ‘likes’ the remaining women as friends or if he’s actually falling for them in a significant way). Andi gets super choked up and says that although admittedly she didn’t leave a child behind to come on the show like Juan did, she left her family and missed important events and even a wedding. “When you say ‘it’s ok’ that bothers me.” “I cannot force you to feel something for me. If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do,” Juan responds.

You know what? He’s right. She may not love the way he’s saying it or his calm demeanor, but that’s the truth. “English is my second language…” Juan reminds her. “To me it’s ok I respect you. I respect you as a woman…is it sad for me? It’s sad, because I like Andi. If I didn’t like you from week two you wouldn’t be here.”

Oh, snap.

That really sets Andi off. “That doesn’t seem real to me because you don’t even know who I am.” She complains that whenever she has tried to talk about deeper stuff or her feelings with him, his response has always been ‘it’s ok.’ Andi no likey ‘it’s ok.’

“What do you want me to do, honestly?” Juan Pablo asks, hoping to put an end to this now tiresome conversation. Andi’s answer of “Feel something. Have some emotion about me,” muddles her whole argument. Really, what she seems to really want is for JP to FIGHT for her. And he can’t really fight for one woman when he is choosing between three.

Juan insists he had a great time in the Fantasy Suite, and that’s when Andi reveals that she was offended by him mentioning his previous overnight date with Clare. When she starts to shout “it’s not fine!”, JP quickly counters with his favourite line: “I’m just being honest.”

Andi hones in on his use of the word “default” (as in, ‘you’re still here by default’ or something like that), a word which El Bachelor claims he never used. “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole,” Andi states. True true. Juan Pablo suspects some of her sudden ‘tude is stemming from the comment he made about the comment she made oh god my head is spinning jesus you two just end it already I don’t even know what you’re fighting about anymore.

They’re talking circles at this point, and Andi asks if Juan even knows what religion she is. Basically, she’s pissed because he hasn’t seemed to want to really get to know her at all, on a deeper level. “Andi, I’m not going to argue with you. If I didn’t want you to be here…you would not be here.” JP doesn’t think that Andi really tried to have a serious conversation in the Fantasy Suite. He feels like their talk was “perfect” and fun.

Two different wavelengths.

Time to go, Andi.

In the end, I think Juan Pablo comes out the winner in this argument. Only by a teensy tiny bit. But still. He seems genuinely sad to see his “authentic” Andi leave, but his voiceover says he’s “not going to argue with a lawyer.” Ha.

They part ways and Andi’s rant continues in the car. “It’s not a language barrier, it’s that he doesn’t see it,” she insists. “I’m all for honestly, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive.”

And then there were two. Obviously there’s no need for a formal rose ceremony now, but Chris guides the final two women – Nikki and Clare – to the platform anyways. Both are shocked to learn of Andi’s departure, especially Nikki who seemed to have formed a friendship with Andi (though her hate-on for Clare clearly remains and the feeling is mutual); in fact, Nikki comments that her and Andi were “kind of, like, the same person.” JP hands out his unnecessary roses to his final two ladies-in-waiting.

So what do you think of Andi’s ‘shocking’ departure? Hit me up in the comments.

Next week is the ‘Women Tell All’ special. Can’t wait!


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Eight Recap (Part 1)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week eight (part 1) of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 24, 2014).

Welcome back El Bachelor lovers! To kick things off…cows! Cows and more cows. We’re in Nikki’s hometown of Kansas city y’all. Nikki and Juan Pablo meet up in a park, where she runs at him. Hard. They were both too excited to sleep the night before, apparently. First thing’s first: BBQ. The kissy duo chow down on ribs and JP is a huge fan. Then it’s off to a mostly empty bar (called PBR Big Sky Cowboy Bar – I die!) to ride the mechanical bull. Over beers, Nikki almost drops the L bomb but in the end decides to wait. Later that day, Nikki and Juan arrive at her family home and it’s hugs all around. In typical Bachelor fashion, the group gather ‘round the dining room table for dinner (that no one eats…ever). Nikki’s mom pulls her away for a private chat, and she wants to make sure there’s both a physical and mental attraction. Nikki confesses she’s in love, but is waiting for the right moment to tell Juan Pablo. “The next time you guys see me I could be engaged!” announces a giddy Nikki. Mom seems to approve. Meanwhile, El Bachelor and Nikki’s dad are having a heart-to-heart. Dad asks that JP not propose if his heart isn’t 100% into it, but he trusts his daughter and would welcome JP into the family. He also THANKS JUAN FOR HIS TIME. Oh my goodness, I love this dad! When Nikki and her dad chat, Nikki gushes that she feels “really, really good about it.” When talk steers to being a step-mom, Nikki says she’s up for the task and has “a lot of love to give.” And with these last words from dad – “It’s just as important for Nikki to select him as it is for Juan Pablo to select her” – it’s goodbye hugs and front porch kisses (the latter just between Nikki and JP of course). But no ‘I love you.’ “It didn’t feel right,” according to Nikki.

Next up for hometown dates is Andi. She stands on the edge of a dock in Atlanta, Georgia, and squeals as JP approaches. Apparently she’s been “at the top” of JP’s list since the beginning. Mine too! So what’s on deck for their date? Shooting guns! Welcome to Sharp Shooters USA. A ‘relaxed’ Andi shoots first while an ‘ecstatic’ Juan Pablo looks on. She’s a pro marks-woman, and JP thinks it’s hot. When it’s his turn, he lacks Andi’s skills but eventually shoots a bulls-eye. That night they head to Andi’s family home, where a ‘Welcome Home, Pookie’ sign greets them. They sit around the family room chatting and the conversation quickly turns to all of the group dates Andi’s been on. Unimpressed Dad points out that Andi didn’t get a one-on-one date until JP was down to eight women. Andi attempts to lightens the mood by asking who she got the “bad dancing gene” from, and then it’s dinner time. Dad is worried about the whirlwind nature of their romance but Andi’s mom points out that they got engaged after 6 months of dating and are still together 30 years later. Juan Pablo and Andi’s mom are the first to break away for a solo chat, where JP sings Andi’s praises. They soon call Andi out so that her and JP can demonstrate their salsa dancing. JP’s time with Andi’s dad Hy is decidedly less…light. “What in the world made you go on this show?” he asks. Well basically, dad, the answer is that American women were lusty for JP and that’s pretty much the whole story. Horny women = next Bachelor. His answer is more about finding a wife blah blah whatever. Juan flat out asks if he’d get dad’s approval should a proposal happen. Hy responds that “if somebody came to you that was dating three other people, and said to you, ‘If I do…’ my answer to you is, ‘I won’t answer you’…The person that is going to be good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say ‘There is no one else in the world for me.’” Inside, Andi and her sister are talking about how hot El Bachelor is, but Andi does say she’s “not there yet.” Andi’s ‘Debbie Downer’ sister Rachel doesn’t see a major connection between Andi and Juan. Andi and her dad have a more heated chat where he points out that The Bachelor is dating a bunch of other chicks (duh) and asks “what happens if he doesn’t choose you?” Andi responds: “I can’t control his relationships with other people. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m willing to risk getting my heart broken.” Dude, your daughter is an Assistant District Attorney. I think she’s (mostly) got her shit together. Trust. “I am very, very close to being in love with him,” Andi’s voiceover declares. By the end of the night, Andi is feeling better than ever about her relationship with Juan Pablo.

Renee, the single mom from Sarasota, is the next lady to enjoy a hometown date with Juan Pablo. But even more exciting is that she gets to reunite with her son Ben and “literally eat” him. JP and Renee meet up near the beach, and she’s wearing some horrible shirt with what I think are tassels on it? BUT I STILL LOVE YOU RENEE. Ben arrives in his Little League uniform (that got me right in the cuterus) and mom and son have a cute hug and tearful reunion (on Renee’s end). “Hi buddy,” Juan greets him, with a handshake. “She talks a lot about you,” Juan jokes around with Ben. With a good luck fist bump from Juan, Ben heads off to his game. That evening, Renee, Ben and JP arrive at Renee’s parents’ house. JP tells Renee’s mom that there’s chemistry there and that he appreciates that Renee never feels the need to “show off” in front of him. Renee tucks her son in, knowing that she’s going to have to leave again soon. Ouch, my heart. Renee’s mom Brenda wants to see that “sparkle in her eyes,” and it’s definitely there. “I want you to be in love!” declares mom. “I’m totally, madly, crazy in love with him,” says Renee. Whoa!!! Mom is thrilled. Renee’s dad is “always right” and he approves of JP. Dad likes that his daughter “glows” around him. After a romantic goodbye, JP is off. I really, REALLY like these two together. They seem to have the most natural, easy, and honest relationship. But like Nikki, Renee doesn’t tell JP that she’s in love with him. I hope these two end up together because they will look so precious doing the awkward day-after-the-finale interview on the Today Show or Good Morning America or whatever.

The last of the hometown dates is Clare in Sacramento, California. Clare appreciates the simplicity of being on a hometown date versus the over-the-top romanticism of dating in the Bachelor world. Clare confesses that it’s the first time she’s brought a man home since her dad passed away from cancer. While sitting on JP’s lap on a park bench, Clare tells her beau that before her father died, she admitted her immense sadness at the fact that he wouldn’t be alive to dance with her at her wedding. So her dad suggested they dance right then and there, and asked her to pick out the song she wanted them to dance to at her eventual wedding, and they had their father-daughter dance. Shit. I’m not a weepy person, but having lost my dad to cancer almost three years ago I could super relate to Clare’s story. DAMN YOU BACHELOR PRODUCERS FOR MAKING ME FEEL MY OWN FEELINGS.

JP and Clare arrive at the family house where he meets her million sisters. Ok so it’s actually four but it seems like a lot more. Sister Madeline asks to speak to Clare privately, and asks if Clare would accept a proposal from Juan Pablo. Clare would “say yes in a heartbeat,” and reminds her sister that their parents only knew each other for three weeks before they got married. Sweet fancy Moses! Three weeks?! Sister Lisa is totally on board, and would probs marry JP herself, it seems! Less on board with the Bachelor romance whirlwind is sister Laura, who asks “how much would it hurt if he didn’t choose you?” Clare responds: “It doesn’t matter because of how strong I’ve become.” Nice! Clare tearfully asks (begs, really) for her family’s approval, and Laura accuses her of trying to “manipulate” their mother. Laura leaves abruptly, but lurks around in the garden listening in. Cue the dramatic music. Laura tells the sisters in the living room that Clare “didn’t like” some of her questions, but softens when Lisa says that JP has similar qualities to their dad. When mom and JP get to chatting, Clare is pissed when she notices Laura inserting herself into the conversation. Juan is fully aware of the drama and tries to placate Clare. Laura eventually softens to JP, when he talks about how he is very “family-oriented” and sees that in Clare in fact, it’s one of the main things that attracted him to Clare in the first place. Comforted by this, Laura leaves JP and mom alone and they launch into comfortable Spanish and seem totally at ease with each other. Mom’s a fan! “We would be very happy to have you, but it’s up to you,” Clare’s mom tells El Bachelor. In her confessional, Clare tells the world about 17 times that she would love to marry Juan Pablo “if he can look past her crazy family.” Ha.

Everyone is back in Miami and it’s time for the rose ceremony. We already knew that Andi is sticking around because they’ve been promoting the crap out of some ‘Fantasy Suite drama’ involving her and JP, but we’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to see what that’s all about! Yes Bachelor lovers – this week is a double episode week!

After the hometown dates, I’m thinking it’s time to say adios to Nikki but she gets the first rose and as soon as we see that Renee and Andi are the final two it’s obvious that lovely single mom Renee is going home. “NO WHAT THE FUCK YOU IDIOT NO!” I may have shouted. Sigh. Fine. I guess maybe they did have more of a ‘friend’ vibe. It just bums me out to see Renee sent home, because she’s so easygoing and drama-free. I definitely preferred her over Nikki who I don’t dislike but there’s..something, right? Something’s off? Her family is awesome but something about her irks me.

Juan Pablo tears up while Renee says her goodbyes. Always pure class, Renee handles her au revoir with JP perfectly, telling him that she did fall in love with him and that he opened up her eyes to “a whole new world.” JP chokes up telling Renee she’s “so great” and that he respects her a lot. In the limo Renee says she came on the show to find love and she did. She adds that Juan Pablo is “as good as they come.” SO ARE YOU RENEE. So are you.

I’m back tomorrow for part 2! What the heck happens in that Fantasy Suite between Juan Pablo and Andi???!!! Can’t wait.

The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Six Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 10, 2014).

El Bachelor Juan Pablo and his dwindling harem are in Taupo, New Zealand this week and holy shitsnacks is it ever beautiful. Clare is haunted by the ‘dark cloud’ that remains after last week’s ocean dalliance between her and Juan Pablo. Basically, they hooked up and then JP kinda slut shamed her over it but in a nice way (?). The first solo date card goes to Andi (yay – finally!) and the women are all really supportive about it. Everyone’s best friend Renee is comforting fellow single mom Cassandra who hasn’t dated in forever y’all (she’s like 21). Cassandra is a tad distraught and is missing her young son back home. We’ve not seen a lot of Cassandra since week three which either means that the focus on her so early in this episode is an indication that she’s gonzo soon or that she’s final 3 material.

In the midst of “bubbling” emotions and high tensions, Assistant District Attorney Andi and Juan Pablo venture out on their first real date. Andi’s hoping for a “breakthrough” in their relationship. Their date starts off on a speedboat that steers them to a place called ‘the squeeze’ and JP is uber excited about it, rubbing his hands together in sheer joy and excitement. Dude, you’ve already seen Andi in a bathing suit. Take it down a notch. JP and Andi wade through tunnels between caves and it certainly is a tight squeeze. I’ve no clue how the cameraman manages to get these shots! Eventually they find themselves in a beautiful hot springs where they make out forever and a day under a waterfall.

For dinner, Juan Pablo and “cool” Andi sit down for geyser-adjacent dinner. Unfortunately, the geyser is acting up and puts a damper on their date. Literally.

Back at the Huka Lodge, the group date card arrives for Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. Clare is ecstatic, as this means she will be going on her second one-on-one date with El Bachelor.

Back on their date, JP and Andi are drying out away from the geyser and talking kids and marriage. Juan produces the date rose which Andi happily accepts.

It’s group date day and JP’s harem arrive via Jeep to join him on an outdoor adventure. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday y’all! Everyone is feeling festive because she’s basically a baby and that’s usually the mood at a child’s birthday party.  The women are soon told to bathing suit up and jump into these things called Ogo’s, which are basically hamster balls for humans that have some water in them. Nikki takes full advantage of her Ogo time with Juan by putting her mouth on his mouth a lot.

When the sun sets the group date moves to “fucking cool” (according to Sharleen) Hobbiton. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Cassandra is really wanting to spend some solo time with Juan. The first lady JP pulls aside is Renee, who is still riding a high after their romantic date the week prior. She tells Juan about having a “mommy moment” with Cassandra, and how they appreciate that Juan doesn’t see their mom status as ‘baggage’. Next up is “I want to leave here with a husband” Nikki, who confesses that she’s “totally falling” for El Bachelor. Meanwhile, the ladies are dissecting the importance of receiving a group date rose tonight, because now it doesn’t so much mean ‘I want to get to know you better’ as it does ‘I like where this is going’. Sharleen is – as usual – questioning her feelings. Same old, same old. She joins JP on the kissing bench, eyes all sparkly, and he basically lunges at her. “You cut right to the chase, don’t you?” teases Sharleen. She complains that the Bachelor process is a bit “inorganic” for her taste. JESUS SHARLEEN HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE??????? ARE YOU NEW?

Inside Hobbiton, the women are celebrating Cassandra’s birthday and she’s hoping to get the group date rose, as it would be the best birthday gift. Well, that Gollum impersonation isn’t going to win you any roses my dear.

When Cassandra and JP snuggle under a blanket and she tells him she “has so much love to give” even though all of her attention has been on her son the past few years, the date rose seems as good as hers. Unfortunately for Cassandra though (and despite Renee rooting for her to get it), the rose ultimately goes to Sharleen (SERIOUSLY STOP CALLING HIM ‘SIR’!). Did anyone else snicker when JP said he was going to have a “happy ending”? I guess he forgot Clare wasn’t on the group date. Oh yes, I went there.

Immediately afterwards, JP asks to speak to Cassandra. I smell trouble. Nikki thinks it’s so he can wish her a happy birthday privately. It all starts off well, with JP telling Cass that she’s one of his “special ones” and calling her gorgeous and funny and nice…but he doesn’t think they’re on the “same chapter” (his words) in life and he doesn’t feel right keeping her away from her son any longer. Cassandra is “disappointed” but appreciates that he didn’t wait for the rose ceremony to cut her loose. With a hug goodbye and some encouraging-sounding whispers, JP says farewell to Cassandra.

The remaining women are shocked when Juan returns sans Cassandra, but he reassures them that he can “see it” with the ladies who remain.

The next day, Juan and his daughter Camila are catching up on Skype while his voiceover is him regretting the way he handled the Clare situation. He recognizes that he hurt her. Clare is “still having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam.” Her feelings are hurt and she’s hoping for an apology. El Bachelor wants Clare to feel “comfortable” and “happy” and reassures Clare that he wants her to stick around. At this point, she should say thank you and move on. After all, it takes two to tango (read: bang in the ocean). Clare emphasizes that she never intended to create a problem but she is obviously upset that he doesn’t acknowledge his part in the decision-making. Clare questions what their boundaries are and it turns into a whole thing about Juan being pissed at himself for making her cry but he doesn’t actually say they had sex, he just says that they shouldn’t have gone into the ocean at 4 a.m. and kissed on camera. O-kay. “Was that our first fight?” asks Clare after they kiss it out. El Bachelor just wants to hit the reset button on their ‘relationship’.

With that in mind, they meet up later that evening and lounge about on a couch drinking wine. Juan wants to know if Clare’s heart has melted a little. She tells him she has a history of bolting when things get rough (cough* yeah right *cough – Clare totally strikes me as a stage 5 clinger), and he doesn’t know what bolt means but he gets the gist. He “likes listening” to Clare, apparently. The date gets ‘real’ when both of them change into comfy sweats. JP is SUPER into Casual Clare, and gives her the date rose. And then they bang. Just kidding (?). They do slow dance, though.

After a wonderful week in New Zealand, Juan Pablo has to send another woman home. But first – time for a chinwag with (mostly absent this season) host Chris Harrison. JP is looking for “quality” conversations. He’s feeling “positive and happy”. On the subject of Cassandra, JP raves that she’s funny and smart but after a certain point their chemistry wasn’t strong enough. El Bachelor adds that he’s definitely on the path to a proposal, but he just doesn’t know to whom yet.

The vibe at the cocktail party that night is “weird” and a lot of “nerves” are going on. I think Chelsie and Kat are on the chopping block. He’s not had much interaction with them since their early one-on-one dates. JP starts the night with a nervous Nikki, who finds herself without a rose heading into the ceremony for the first time. Juan lets her in on a secret: he’s wearing pink underwear. He presses her a bit on why she likes him so much and they have some cute banter.

Last single mom standing Renee is worrying that JP’s seemingly quick dismissal of Cassandra means that he would cut her loose without a second thought if he had any doubts about their connection. But JP is apparently a mind-reader and within seconds of them heading off to chat he’s assured Renee that she has nothing to worry about. Chelsie has deduced that it’s probably going to come down to her or Kat to head home tonight. She’s hoping that the glow of their fantastic one-on-one date hasn’t faded yet (despite it being a few weeks back which is YEARS in the Bachelor/Bachelorette universe). When Kat gets her solo time with JP she talks about her alcoholic absentee dad. In the end, Kat’s happy she “shared” so much with Juan and is hopeful that she’ll stick around and get to know him even better.

Sorry Kat, ain’t gonna happen. During the “pivotal” rose ceremony,  Nikki, Renee and Chelsie are through to the next week while Kat is sent packing. She keeps a smile on her face during two goodbye hugs and holds her tears back until she’s in the relative privacy of the sad gal limo. She “just didn’t get up to speed,” but don’t worry Kat you ARE a great catch like people have told you.

Back in the house, Sharleen is feeling guilty because she sees other girls “suiting him” better. Oooooh drama. JP announces that they’re off to Miami next, and Sharleen decides to give it one more week. If by then she doesn’t see herself with JP long-term, she’s out.

During the end credits, we see that the group date devolved into a poop fight and that Renee really got into it, even flinging sheep poop at JP. The end!

As of now, Renee and Andi are my two favourites, with Sharleen a distant third (she’s just so up and down!). Who are you guys liking? Hit me up in the comments.

The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Five Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 3, 2014).

Juan Pablo and his 11 remaining ladies are in Vietnam. He’s “keeping his eyes open” and is determined to spend more time with the ladies he hasn’t gotten to know as well (I presume he means Danielle and Alli, who I refer to as the ‘invisible women’). The girls are exploring their fancy hotel digs, in mostly matchy-matchy tank top and scarf outfits with a bun (was there a memo?). Much like every other season of The Bachelor, it doesn’t seem like any (save for Sharleen) had ever ventured outside of the continental United States. Nikki admits to being the cause of drama last week, and she is looking forward to putting that all behind her.

The first solo date card arrives and it’s for single mom Renee. I like Renee. She’s a bit older than the average Bachelor contestant at 32 (same age as JP), and she seems ’normal’ which is abnormal in the Bachelor world. Apparently JP makes Renee’s hands hurt (?).

The people of Hoi An are going about their day – biking to work and the market, playing the drums, and generally being awesome – seemingly unaware that potential true love in the making is in their midst. Juan Pablo is wearing the shit out of a butter yellow t-shirt and the duo hop in a pedicab (JP’s driving) and make their way to a clothing store. A very friendly Vietnamese women feels up Renee (I mean, takes her measurements for a custom dress), and Renee is worried she’s too sweaty so JP brings her a fan. Awwwwww.

Afterwards, they wander the market encountering shy kids, cute dogs, and loud fruit vendors. After a quick selfie photo, JP and Renee pick out a dress for his daughter and a hat for her son Ben. They sit on a boat for a bit sipping beer and being cute but Renee gets no satisfaction in the form of a kiss. Maybe at dinner?

Renee meets Juan Pablo for dinner in her custom dress that looks amazeballs on her. JP thinks Renee is “gorgeous”. They make their way to a restaurant and they talk about Ben’s dad (Renee’s ex) and being single parents. “We’re on the same page, and I like that,” says JP.

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and everyone is hoping their name isn’t on it. It’s for Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi, meaning Nikki is getting the next one-on-one date.

Back on their date, it’s talking and more talking. Renee has eyes that ‘hypnotize’ Juan Pablo, but there’s still no kiss. She does, however, get the rose. Later they walk down to the water and set wish lanterns adrift, but Renee’s is probs defective or something because the night ends with them still not kissing. Juan Pablo’s reasoning is that she has a son so….she has a son. Hey, I get it. He’s being respectful.

Group date day! The ladies venture out in tiny tank-tops and even tinier shorts and meet JP by the water. He instructs them to pick partners for bamboo boats, and no one partners with Clare so she gets to go with El Bachelor. As Kelly puts it: “For the first time in anyone’s life, having no friends is an advantage.” Ha.

Paddling in their bamboo boat, Clare feels eyeballs on her “from all over the place” but it doesn’t stop them from kissing. The eight ladies he’s not kissing on feel like they’re watching a one-on-one date.

Meanwhile, Nikki and Renee are sitting by their secluded hotel pool wondering if other people are pissed about being on the group date. Um, yeah. Duh.

After the boats and banter, JP leads his harem into a Vietnamese family’s home for dinner, much to the surprise of the women. Time to sing for your supper ladies! Translation: pick your dinner from the garden/farm.

Andi takes the opportunity to chat with JP out in the field about her frustration at always being on group datea, and he quickly assuages her anxiety with two simple words: “trust me.” The group sits down to a delicious-looking dinner and everyone is passive aggressive towards Clare. But Clare don’t care. Clare’s gonna do Clare. You got that, ladies?

The group date posse ventures back to the hotel for cocktail hour where JP immediately pulls Clare aside. The ladies are upset, because Clare and JP already had significant private time during the day. After a stroll to the beach, El Bachelor leads Clare to his suite and they change into bathing suits and jump into a pool overlooking the ocean where they joke about not kissing while doing nothing but kissing.

After his water romp with Clare, JP and Sharleen head out to the beach. Sharleen is somber, feeling like “just another face in the crowd”. Don’t you know you’re his favourite? She needs to feel that JP sees her as a “panda in a room full of brown bears”. The fuck? Anyways. Juan Pablo picks up on Sharleen’s “serious” vibe, so he starts calling her cute and kissing her neck. He asks her what she’s thinking about, and her response is “I can’t show all my cards.”

Later, Andi and Juan Pablo cozy up on the beach and she teases him about his accent and he confirms he’s happy she’s there. Teasing leads to kissing….but not the date rose. That goes to Clare. Clare isn’t satisfied with just the date rose, however, and she decided to bucket list this bitch and sneak away to Juan Pablo’s suite to get him to jump in the warm ocean with her.

So it’s 4 a.m. and JP and Clare are frolicking in the ocean. Things get a little “wild”. The way they edit Clare’s voiceover kinda makes it sound like they hook up but I have my doubts.

The next day Juan Pablo and Nikki venture out on their date. I hope JP is into headbands, because Nikki wears them like it’s her job.

Nikki’s all excited because she feels like she’s “on a date” with her boyfriend…until she realizes that date involves repelling. Visibly terrified, Nikki tries to keep her shit together. Literally. She thinks she might poop her pants. She eventually edges her way down to Juan Pablo (with the obligatory ‘terrifying date activity as a metaphor for falling in love’ quote), and they stop mid-descent for some kissing.

Their dinner later that evening (in a cave, natch) is mostly a yawnfest, Nikki talks about not being a morning person but wanting to be a stepmom (sales pitch!). JP butchers the word “pediatric” She gets the date rose. Bo-ring.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail gathering, JP greets his bevy of beauties and announces that he will be sending three women home tonight. Clare toasts the group with: “Cheers to finding love, being loved and making love.”

Oh, snap.

Did they? DID THEY?

Or is Clare just stirring the pot?

Andi and JP flirt in Spanish, and then he sits down with Renee and basically confesses that he hasn’t kissed her because he didn’t want her son Ben to see them kissing on TV and be confused or upset by it. Renee barely finishes telling him that it’s cool and that she had a conversation with her kid before coming on The Bachelor  and JP actually lunges at her. Ah. Finally. She confirms it was “worth the wait.”

When he sits down with Clare, JP is worried that they took it too far on their beach romp. He wants to be fair to the other women and spend time with all of them. “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened already.” Clare confesses she feels “silly now” and starts to cry.

Soooo….they totally banged right?

Juan Pablo asks Clare not to cry (three times) but Clare is feeling so “stupid” and “embarrassed”. #sexregrets

Clare and JP make their way (awkwardly) back to the rest of the group, and it’s immediately obvious that she’s been crying. Clare quickly walks away to go cry in a bathroom (classic Bachelor), but she has an audience and when confronted about crying she claims it’s just “bad allergies.”

She ends up outside where JP tries (rather unsuccessfully) to placate her. I really wish he would stop telling women to “look at me.” Clare asks him why he didn’t just turn her down when she suggested their ocean daliance? She claims if he had said no it wouldn’t have hurt her feelings. Doubt it.

Clare re-joins the group and keeps the whole ‘allergies’ charade up, but no one is falling for it.

Chris Harrison arrives (HI CHRIS! I might have shouted), thus announcing the start of the rose ceremony. Predictably, the two ‘invisible women’ of the season – Alli and Danielle – as well as Kelly are sent home. I had thought perhaps Chelsie and Kat were also in danger of going home, but I wasn’t surprised at all to see Kelly left rose-less. Interestingly, El Bachelor sheds a tear when saying goodbye to Danielle (and whispers “you’ll find a great guy”). I’m fairly certain I’ve not seen a  conversation between those two all season. Danielle admits there “wasn’t a strong connection” between them so she’s cool with it. And that’s that.

Until next week!


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Four Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 27, 2014).

This is the last post where I can say: “Welcome back to Juan-uary!” I think we’re all a bit relieved about that.

First things first: Juan’s daughter Camila has a wedgie. With that out of the way, El Bachelor and his harem are heading to Seoul, South Korea. This announcement sends the 13 remaining women into a hysterical fit of bouncing and screaming. Pull it together quick ladies – you only have 60 minutes to pack. It sometimes takes me longer to pick a sandwich* at lunch.

Seoul looks kind of amazing! I want to go to there. The ladies walk the streets (not in that way, though I imagine a few are familiar with the concept) arm-in-arm and take in the sights. Upon returning to their hotel, it gets verrrry quiet when the women notice the date card waiting for them. It’s a group date card, and it’s for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki. Nikki is super bummed to be stuck on a group date, but cheer up girl because it’s K-Pop time!

The women arrive at a studio in the heart of Seoul and learn that they will be dancing with one of the biggest K-Pop bands in the world apparently, 2NE1. Juan Pablo loves! to! dance! So he’s super amped. The ladies and JP get put through some choreography, with Kat deciding that she’s the choreographer, thus earning scathing looks from Nikki. 2NE1 invites the ladies to join them on stage at a gig later that night, and Nikki is hoping that they are “performing for the South Korean School for the Blind.”

The ladies arrive at a packed 4-story mall and are invited on stage and seem to immediately forget every piece of choreography they learned. Within moments, their dance routine is completely abandoned and instead the ladies are doing more of a group bounce, with the exception of Kat who finds her way to centre stage to dance up a storm and also lip synch. To Korean pop. Yup. The other women practically yell “SPOTLIGHT STEALER” into her mouth. Nikki thinks Kat should just stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer. Me-ow. Oh speaking of cats, in her solo interviews I’m fairly certain Chelsie is wearing a cat ear headband thing.

[Side note: does Nikki totally look like that girl who played the babysitter on Growing Pains? Just me?]





Later that evening. JP and his dates unwind over cocktails, and Kat quickly pulls him aside for some serious talk. She wants him to know she’s not just an amazing dancer, she’s, like, a person too. Kat confesses that her dad was a major alcoholic and her parents split when she was six but it’s cool because her mom is amazeballs.

Meanwhile, Nikki is doing her best to shove her foot in her mouth. She’s calling Kat out for being two-faced and fake and over-the-top. Cassandra has the sads because cattiness makes her uncomfortable (“Well Cassandra, if you hate cattiness you certainly auditioned for the right show” – says no one).

Elise and Juan Pablo get to chatting and she wants him to know that not all the woman are great potential step-mom candidates. Thanks captain obvious. JP confirms he’s keeping his eyes “very open.” Despite being kind of miserable all day, Nikki really turns on the sweetness and charm when her solo time comes around, and she emphasizes how badly she wants to open up with him and doesn’t want to fade into the background just because she’s surrounded by more attention-seeking personalities. Nikki pulls out all the stops: I love kids, I’m the best diaper changer ever, etc. Translation: PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. And it works, because Nikki gets the group date rose and Kat looks like she’s going to shit herself.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and Sharleen will be heading out on the next one-on-one.

The next day, Juan Pablo is shown showering before his big date with his “favourite one” Sharleen. I strongly suspect she’s his favourite because she’s an actual challenge for him. He’s waxed poetic about Sharleen’s ‘class’, so I’m curious to see how the date will go. They stroll hand-in-hand through a Seoul market that JP feels is like walking through a “mice”. Maze. He means maze. Gosh that’s a cute accent. They sample food and drink and get stared at a lot.

At the hotel, Chelsie is spilling secrets (and nail polish). Apparently Sharleen has commented that her conversations with JP have been “boring” and they have nothing really to talk about. Wait, what? What’s wrong with this girl? She so all over the place. One minute she’s practically forcing JP to make out with her in front of the other ladies and the next she’s claiming she’s not that into him? Either Sharleen’s completely bipolar or she’s playing a really confusing long con.

“Cheeky” Juan Pablo wants to hear Sharleen sing (she is an opera singer after all) and she’s all flirty eyes and telling JP that he’s “not bland.” Sharleen seems thrilled that Juan Pablo is more fun than she expected. After the sun sets, the duo are in a courtyard type of thing and JP puts her on the spot to sing opera. She kills it, and then they make out and it’s pretty hot. Sharleen confirms to the world that he’s a great kisser.

They sit down for dinner and talk about family and culture, and JP feels strongly that they have a lot in common. Then the big question from him: how many kids does Sharleen want? He wants two or three more. Cut to the hotel, and the ladies are discussing Sharleen’s lack of maternal instinct and playfulness. Back on the date, Sharleen and JP dance around the kid question for a bit until he asks her again point blank how many kids she wants. “I’m not one of those girls that…like…kids for me is something that I never even thought about. I’ve been so career-focused that I sort of feel like…my relationships up to now have come as a second propriety.”

Sharleen admits she dated someone with a kid before and she “wasn’t prepared” for it. She couldn’t get over that she was never going to be the mother of his first child. Gasp! This could be the end of Sharleen. But since week one JP has been super into her and loves her honesty, and that hasn’t changed with this startling admission. Sharleen gets the date rose.

The next day, Juan Pablo meets up with Renee, Andi, Alli, Kelly, Clare and Lauren for a “krazy” group date. Their first stop is a karaoke bar (fun!). There’s tambourines and group dancing and indecipherable song lyrics. After karaoke they cool off at a lemonade stand, then venture out in paddle boats and then they end up in one of those fish pedicure places where the fish eat your dead skin. Apparently Renee has super delicious feet because they go to TOWN on her tootsies. I’ve always wanted to try that! Clare starts acting a bit territorial and it doesn’t go unnoticed by the other gals, especially Andi.

Back on the streets of Seoul, it’s time to eat octopus. But Clare no likey and makes a big show of it. Only after the whole group CHANT HER NAME does she choke it down. Kelly’s comment of “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that” makes my life. I only wish she’d sad it at the time, and not later in her private interview. It’s the most I’ve ever liked Kelly.

Over drinks later that night, the focus is on kissing! JP pulls Renee away first and she is really gunning for a smooch. They have the whole single parent thing in common, but perhaps Renee could talk less about their kids when she’s trying to get made out with? JP has decided he’s already kissed six girls and that it’s time to take a step back. Sorry Renee.

Assistant District Attorney Andi (one of my early faves) teases Juan Pablo about his dancing skills and they clearly have the same weird sense of humour. El Bachelor really wants to kiss her but he’s pumped the brakes on all kissing tonight and isn’t about to change his mind now. Instead they hold hands.

Lauren (there’s a Lauren?) tries to plant one on JP during their alone time but it’s a no go. Instead, they do an awkward hug-dance thing and she’s kinda hurt and pissed because she knows he’s kissed some of the other women. Soon after, the ladies notice that the camera person is scurrying over to catch Lauren crying to Juan Pablo, who is trying to comfort her because he won’t kiss her. They hug it out.

On to the next drama – it’s everyone hate on Clare time. Kelly and Andi are imitating Clare’s octopus revulsion with hilarious accents. Speaking of Clare, she’s whisked JP away for some alone time and admits that she threw up in her mouth after eating the teeny tiny piece of octopus. The issue of kissing comes up (the theme of the evening, apparently). JP’s resolve melts because he’s “helpless” around Clare and they smooch for a bit, but ultimately the group date rose goes to Andi (yay).

Heading into the pre-rose ceremony cocktail, Juan Pablo suspects the night might be tense, because the woman are starting to be “a little uncomfortable with each other.” The women decide on a sort of ‘agreement’ whereby the ones who already have roses won’t attempt to monopolize JP’s time, so as to allow the woman without roses to make their plea…err….spend some much needed time with El Bachelor. But Nikki promptly blows that to shit and interrupts JP and Clare’s time together. “There comes a point where you do have to be a little selfish,” Nikki justifies. Peace out, Clare.

Nikki engages Juan Pablo in a conversation about eye contact and shyness and how when a woman likes a man she avoids eye contact. That’s just science, y’all. JP hints at some drama in the house and you can see Nikki immediately get her back up. She suspects that Clare may have been shit talking her just prior to Nikki interrupting them (she wasn’t). Yeah, Nikki, remember when you interrupted them and you already have a rose?

Kelly finds herself sitting between Clare and Nikki. Awkward! Clare comments to Nikki that “you’re one way with the girls and one way with him.” Nikki counters that Clare isn’t the one handing out the roses. Well played.

Time for the rose ceremony! JP realizes that whomever he sends home will have a long long LONG flight back. I hope for their sake that they get to partake in free booze! The roses go to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli(son), Clare, and Kat.

Elise and Lauren are heading home on Just Dumped Airways (not a real airline, but it should be). No surprises tonight. Neither girl seemed to make a huge impact on Juan. Lauren feels dumb for trying so hard to kiss JP. Elise cries and says that it was hard being around so many people who are ugly (on the inside).

Until next week, when JP and his harem head to Vietnam. Will tensions continue between Clare and Nikki? Will Danielle finally get some camera time? What is Allison? Will Juan Pablo continue his (select) moratorium on kissing?

*2 sandwiches


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Three Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 20, 2014).

Welcome back to Juan-uary and welcome back Chris Harrison! I missed him last week. But he’s wearing a weird two-tone blue shirt that looks straight out of the Sean John catalogue (remember P Diddy has a clothing line? Me either).

The first solo date card goes to cutie single mom Cassandra who shows up wearing an amazing orangey-red onesie that I wantwantwant. Last week, JP promised not to string her along if he wasn’t feeling a connection, so as not to keep her away from her young son. So obvi, this date is do or die time for Cas. The adorable pair jump into a jeep that morphs into a boat. Witchcraft!

Back at the Estrogen Palace, everyone’s best friend Renee is chatting with an emotional Elise whose recently deceased mother encouraged her to come on The Bachelor.

Meanwhile on their date, Juan Pablo and a nervous Cassandra board a yacht and immediately jump off it to pal around in the water while the sun sets. Later that evening the pair are at JP’s house (his daughter is with the grandparents), where they cook dinner and JP gives her a dance lesson (not a euphemism). Cassandra hasn’t had a date in 3 YEARS you guys. Oh yeah I forgot she was 21. So I guess her last date was at the prom. And then she had her son at 19. They cuddle up to show each other photos of their kids, and after a slightly long-winded speech about single-parenthood, JP gives Cassandra the date rose and then they kiss for awhile. First major kiss of the season! JP is a smitten kitten!

On a related note, I could listen to Juan Pablo try to say “malted milk ball” for the rest of my life.

Next up is a soccer-themed group date with Sharleen, Kelly, Christy, Danielle, Renee, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Lucy, and Nikki. The ladies arrive to see JP sweating it up with the LA Galaxy players, and his sweaty musk sends them into a tizzy. Juan puts the girls through some drills (again, not a euphemism) and then they divide into teams. On the red team, nurse Nikki has little patience for weakest link Kelly but they have secret weapon Alli who has been playing since childhood. On the blue team, Sharleen uses her face to block the ball and thinks JP is super hot. After a red win, he invites both teams to join him for some post-game cocktails overlooking the fields so that no one has to have the ‘we lost and so are sent home’ sads.

“Reserved” Nikki joins JP and confesses she was worried about “getting hurt” coming onto the Bachelor, and that she isn’t a fan of the mostly “short conversations” they have. Take a number, Nikki. Juan Pablo assures Nikki that he’s into her, and they hug it out.

Sneaking off to a deserted kitchen together, the chemistry between JP and our Assistant District Attorney we’ve seen since week one is on overdrive, and a high pony-tailed Andi confesses that shit got real for her on the soccer date. They seal their chat with a smooch. She may have lost at soccer but Andi certainly feels “like a winner now.”

Meanwhile, Elise and Chelsie are eagerly awaiting a date card, which ultimately goes to Chelsie, much to Elise’s surprise.

Back on the group date, Sharleen is certainly warming to our “smooth” Bachelor after a rocky start. JP likes her “class” and they agree their connection is very “organic”. Juan Pablo moves in for a kiss that turns into a steamy makeout witnessed by the other ladies. Andi is bummed. She thought she had an “in” for the rose after their kitchen connection, but her faith is shaken when she spots JP making out with Sharleen. Turns out one doesn’t have to lock lips with this Bachelor to secure a date rose: it goes to Nikki.

The next day, Chelsie ventures out with Juan Pablo for their one-on-one date. In the car, they groove to some Venezuelan music. Later they stroll hand-in-hand to a Venezuelan café for lunch. After chowing down on various delicacies, JP leads her to a tandem ankle bungee jump site off a bridge (of course).

[Sidenote: There should be a rule about bungee jumping after eating. But if it were me I’d be cool because I’m really good at upside down vomiting. Fact.].

A ‘high dive on crack,” according to ‘Science Educator’ Chelsie. She inevitably panics (she “hates edges” after all) and tears up, but is soothed by JP’s comforting whispers and also maybe a scooch bullied by his request of “just do it for me”. He does tell her it’s ok to bail and they back up from the platform, but she changes her mind (perhaps because he makes her feel like his “#1 priority) and they go for it. I am ever-so-grateful that Chelsie doesn’t launch into a “jumping as a metaphor for falling in love” speech…..ah fuck it there it is. Spoke to soon. Clever producers, waiting until AFTER the jump. I appreciate their upside-down makeout session though.

Following their jump for love, they reconnect for a romantic dinner inside Pasadena City Hall. I didn’t expect JP and Chelsie to have this strong of a romantic connection. JP admits his biggest fear is not being a good example to his daughter Camila and thinks Chelsie is wife material for sure.

Back at the house, Elise is bitching to Kat about Chelsie, saying she’s too young to be a “candidate”. She’s 24. Elise is 27. Kat gives her a ‘bitch, please’ nod.

Chelsie is hoping for the date rose and after complimenting JP’s upside-down kissing prowess, she is rewarded (the cherry on the sundae of apparently the “best day” of her life). Oh honey.

But the date’s not over yet, because some other country singer [Billy Currington(?) according to Chelsie] has arrived to serenade them. I truly never knew there were this many singers of this particular genre until I started watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Bright and early (apparently) the next morning, Juan Pablo sneaks into the Estrogen Palace to make a Venezuelan breakfast and surprise the ladies. He seems very keen to see them without makeup on. Very keen. Perhaps to suss out the au naturel beauties from the natural uggos.

Kelly is the first to venture downstairs so that she can take her dog Molly for a walk. She’s mortified that JP is seeing her without her “face on”. She ventures back upstairs to warn the other ladies that a penis is in their midst so mascara up ladies! Renee (either not warned or not caring) joins JP in the kitchen, morning breath and all. Then Danielle (who I completely had forgotten about!) and Clare (who looks great in PJs, according to Juan Pablo) appear. Soon, the kitchen is full of ladies mowing down on a Venezuelan breakfast.

JP assumes the role of Chris Harrison and announces that they will be cancelling that evening’s pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and will have a pool party instead. JP’s harem oils up to lounge by the pool. Juan Pablo arrives, flings off his shirt like it’s HIS JOB, and dives into the pool. “This is a great day to be The Bachelor,” says Captain Obvious.

Kat perches atop JP’s shoulders in the pool, eliciting jealous stares. Kelly feels that Kat is “trying too hard” and calls Kat a whore (oooh….claws are coming out). But Kat doesn’t give a shit what the other ladies think because she gets a massage from JP out of it. Sharleen isn’t feeling uber confident about her chances at the rose ceremony that evening, and is questioning if she’s the right type of girl for him. When they get some time together, she complains about the cameras in her face and starts to cry. Ugh this girl is all over the place. A comforting hug turns into a not-so-private kiss that JP cuts off rather abruptly (likely not wanting to tick off an army of sunbathing ladies nearby), prompting Sharleen to label him a “tease”. Unfortunately, hairstylist Clare can’t take the heat and she retreats to the bathroom to mope, and as per usual Renee is there to cheer her up. Clare is upset that she hasn’t really spent any quality time with JP since going on the first one-on-one a week and a half ago (which is like 6 months in Bachelor time). She eventually sits down with JP and swears she’s not jealous (cough yeah right cough). At the end of it, Clare feels “reassured”.

At the rose ceremony, Danielle gets the last rose; thus, Christy and a surprisingly emotional Lucy are the unlucky in love ladies sent packing. Nothing shocking there. So far the eliminations have been pretty predictable.

I feel like I’m still waiting for this season to get interesting, you know? Until next week.


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Two Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 13, 2014).

Sorry I’m a week late in posting this, but I was in Honduras frolicking on the beach and drinking lemon daiquiris. Forgive me?

We start with hairstylist Clare who is preparing for her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo – the first of the season! JP arrives at the Estrogen Palace to whisk her away in a blindfold. Upon arriving at their destination, Juan carries Clare piggyback-style to a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles. The music swells and there’s lots of giggling, and Clare – predictably – describes it as a “fairytale”. Groan. Later they do some skating that’s really mostly falling.

Back at the house, “free spirit” Lucy has seemingly forgotten her bikini tops at home or wherever her gypsy ass has been sleeping and is lounging about the pool sans top. When the next Juan-on-Juan (these jokes write themselves, folks!) date card arrives it’s for Kat. At this point, the women are all being super duper supportive and nice to each other. It’s…odd. But refreshing.

Back on their date, the duo are – in typical Bachelor fashion – in a hot tub. Clare is “letting her guard down” by talking about her dad who passed away, and Juan appreciates her ‘high standards” in men. Clare happily accepts JP’s date rose. A chubby version of Jimmy Fallon with a beard and a guitar (I’m not bothering to google his name, sorry) serenades them so they can dance in bathing suits (Clare wears some sort of yeti coat). Bo-ring.

The next day, JP and Kat (in tiny white shorts and knotted chambray shirt) board a PJ (that’s ‘private jet’ for you peasants) and change into douchebag/raver outfits. Their ultimate destination is the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah. Fun! At one point they get to dance on stage and Juan presents Kat with the date rose in front of a day-glo’d crowd.

Meanwhile at the house, a group date card arrives (via dog Molly) for “the lucky 13” – Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy. The ladies find themselves at a photo shoot for charity Models ‘n Mutts, which is exactly what it sounds like. After heading into hair and makeup (to hopefully end up looking cuter than the dogs), first grade teacher Elise isn’t too pleased when she learns her outfit for the photo shoot basically consists of two postcard-sized pieces of cardboard. But Andi wins because her outfit is literally one piece of cardboard. So…naked.

Elise corners Lucy (whose fear of being peed on is likely the reason that Bachelor producers have opted to outfit her in a fire hydrant costume) to play ‘let’s make a deal,’ and they switch costumes. “I was happy to take off my top, as always,” confirms Lucy, who later walks a dog down the street wearing a thong and nothing else. I can feel her parents’ pride from here.

Juan Pablo poses with the “elegant” Cassandra and “stunning” Renee, while Assistant District Attorney Andi is freaking the fuck out (understandably) about her next-to-nothing “costume”. JP calms her down and assures Andi that he will be by her side during the shoot and it will be an “aventura!” Memo to self: when faced with a mortifying situation, describe it using Spanish verbs. All will be fine.

After the photo shoot, JP and his harem head to a rooftop pool. Cassandra quickly pulls him aside for some private talk and confesses she has a two-year-old son named Trey (?) and also that she calls her mom 20 times a day. JP takes it all in stride. “Elegant” single mom Renee is really gunning for a kiss from JP during their solo time, but instead gets pulled into a hug and only manages to get in a quick side lip peck. As JP wanders off to chat with various ladies, Victoria is busy getting a hammered. When confronted with a suggestion to “tone it down”, she slurs that she’s not drunk and she’s just “fun sober.” In her private on-camera interview, Victoria waxes poetic about the meaning of life. In case you were wondering, it’s straddling people. She also prattles on about something called the “hymen maneuver.” I’m laughing so hard that I almost forget about her oddly aggressive eyebrows for a minute.

Nikki and JP have a cute couch pow-wow that’s soon interrupted by hot mess express and Victoria. She quickly disappears and locks herself in a bathroom where she starts in on the crying-and-“I-want-to-go-home’-phase of her self-destruction. Renee tries unsuccessfully to comfort a now shrieking and bleeped out Victoria. Bachelor producer (and internet famous) Elan also takes a stab at placating her, without much success. She staunchly refuses to talk to a concerned Juan Pablo who hunts her down in the bathroom, and eventually she’s sent to dry out somewhere else. The date rose ultimately goes to ‘dog lover’ Kelly. I thought for sure Andi or Nikki would get it.

The next morning, Juan Pablo checks in on Victoria who practically sneers “sorry about last niiiiiiiiiiiiiight?” and quasi-apologizes (?) for “setting off the crazy train.” But she doesn’t think anyone should be mad at her because she just feels things so intensely; that said, Victoria admits to being “mortified” and adds that she could have been more “adult about it”. JP opts to send drunkie home immediately, because that’s the “rightest thing to do”.

Time for the cocktail pre-rose ceremony party! JP announces that he’s sent Victoria home and barely an eyebrow is raised. Reporter Amy attempts to brush up on her interview skills and grills Juan Pablo who says she has a “nice smile,” but the whole thing falls a bit flat. Nice makeup though, Amy. Canadian gal Sharleen seems more enthused this week. Last week she looked mortified to receive the first impression rose, and was not part of the group date this week. Sharleen immediately apologizes to Juan for being “ungracious” when he presented her with the rose. I kind of liked her better when she was being stand-offish and I suspect Juan Pablo was intrigued by the challenge of winning her over. Oh well.

Cassandra is missing her son and is crying and looking at pictures of him. She confides in Renee, who seems to have assumed the role of group counsellor. Renee accompanies her to chat with JP, who greets them with “the two moms!”. He convinces Cassandra to stick it out, and promises not to dick her around. They seal the deal with a fist bump explosion. It’s a cute moment actually. He seems really into her.

When the rose ceremony begins, the first rose, predictably, goes to Cassandra. Ultimately, Amy (no breaking news here!) and Chantel (yawn) are sent packing. I’ve already forgotten about them.

So what did you think of week two. Kind of boring, no? I have high hopes for next week.

Until then.