Recap: The Bachelor ‚Äď Week Four

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode four of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 23, 2017).

nick-viall

Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about his actions with Bouncy Castle Straddler‚ĄĘ¬†Corinne. “It was enough to question if you’re looking for a wife,” Vanessa tells our Bachelor, of witnessing his behaviour with the mansion’s early villain¬†during the pool party. To his credit, Nick tells Vanessa he cares about what she thinks, but implores her to “try and be a little more patient.” Corinne, meanwhile, is all about the naps these days and keeps retreating to her room to hide. Taylor and Sarah try and talk some sense into her. Corinne responds that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and insists that in this situation she’s “not privileged.”¬†For the first time, Corinne is going into a rose ceremony without a rose. Oh calamity!

Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it’s time for another rose ceremony, and in his pep talk with Nick he asks him about Corinne “rubbing the girls the wrong way.” The problem is more that she rubs Nick’s junk in bouncy castles.¬†When all is said and done, the final rose of the night goes to Corinne (duh),¬†resulting in a “shocked” Christen and¬†“single for so long”¬†Brittany being sent home. Corinne decides this is the time to make a little speech/pep talk to the remaining women that no one even pretends to listen to because they’re all sick of her “mean girl vibe.” Shit’s about to get ‚Äď wait for it ‚Äď dramatic.

The women are instructed by Chris to pack their bags for a #journey. First stop: Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SO EXOTIC YOU GUYS! The¬†ladies¬†panic pack and charge out of the mansion with the speed and determination I reserve for office birthday cake announcements.

Nick joins his parents in Milwaukee and they talk about love and connecting and hope. “My hope is that there’s one relationship that will outshine the rest,” Nick announces. His dad responds “we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Ha.

The first one-on-one date of the week goes to a very giggly Danielle L. Nick¬†admits that he had instant physical chemistry with Danielle, but they haven’t really had a chance to chat much so he brings her on a walk around his town. They pop into a bakery and¬†look at¬†‘Nick-er-doodle’ cookies (don’t ask) and then they ‘run into’ one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. The ex, Amber (of course), gives some lame perspective on why Nick is still single in order to prove they are still on good terms. The whole thing is so staged and fake that even I have trouble paying attention and I once lost an entire weekend to a Kardashian marathon. Willingly.¬†Nick and Danielle cop a squat in the park, and he confesses to once making a girl locker shelves in high school to get a kiss. Collectively: awwwwww.

Over cocktails that evening, Nick comments that Danielle is very put together and he’s curious as to whether she’s ever grocery shopped in sweatpants or had an embarrassing moment. The answer to both is yes. I would’ve killed that answer! Most of my embarrassing moments happen while I’m wearing sweatpants at the grocery store. Usually in the frozen foods aisle for some reason or near the samples booth.¬†Danielle reminisces about her parents (pre-divorce) and comments that their split was hard for her¬†because they were so affectionate and cute and the divorce came as a surprise. Nick gives her the date rose. I enjoy Danielle but the date lacked substance and she spent most of it laughing and giving one-word responses. I have to hope that her nerves got to her because she seems super awesome.

Meanwhile, a group date card arrives and the only name not called ‚Äď and therefore the woman going on the next one-on-one date with Nick ‚Äď is Raven. Not Corinne.

Back on their date, a concert by some bro-handsome country singer whose name I¬†can’t be assed to¬†google is tonight’s date ‘surprise.’ Nick and Danielle slow dance and kiss in front of a concert full of strangers. “We made a connection that is hard to explain,” our Bachelor gushes.

The next day’s group date is all ‘fun-on-the-farm’ themed and (most of)¬†the women momentarily forget the fact that everything smells like poop when they find Nick bottle-feeding milk to baby cows. Corinne, however,¬†is far from wooed. The head farmer/cow barista shows the women how to feed the cows and shovel poop. Corinne¬†is not a fan of farm chores, and because she’s basically a saint she says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel “shovel poopie”. ¬†Oh, had you forgotten Corinne has a nanny? She bails and complains about needing sushi while the other women make clever poop puns about her behaviour.

During the evening portion of the group date, Nick and Kristina connect while Corinne complains that she’s simply misunderstood. Vanessa presents Nick with a book that her students made for him,¬†and it’s cuter than a box of puppies. Corinne addresses the other women in a ‘we’re all in this together’ way and Sarah is weirdly angry about Corinne taking a nap during last week’s rose ceremony. “Abraham Lincoln took naps!” Corinne proclaims. I have to say, watching Corinne imitate the uproar over her nap is kind of hilarious. More this Corinne, less straddler/sex predator, please. There’s also some talk about her maturity and Nick being older. Um, these girls are all like 24 so let’s just breeze past that one. Kristina approaches Corinne kindly and with concern about her ability to handle the reality of maybe being engaged to Nick at the end of this. Corinne claims that her avoidance of the rose ceremony last week was due to a panic attack, while her bailing on the cow chores was due to a “serious medical condition” of her hand cramping.¬†Her new strategy is to get the group date rose by making Nick feel sorry for her because the other¬†ladies have been giving her the “cold shoulder.” Nick was kind of the Corinne of Kaitlyn’s season (minus the whining, nanny and hair extensions), so he admires her ‘maturity’ in dealing with the drama. Ultimately,¬†Corinne’s plan doesn’t work because Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina.

The last date of the week is with Raven. They meet up with Nick’s youngest sister Bella, whom we met on Kaitlyn’s season. Oh right, Nick is¬†one of 8 kids or something? Insane. They watch Bella’s soccer game and he introduces Raven to his parents. That goes well, and¬†they join Bella at the roller rink. Nick hams it up on the rink (he’s alarmingly good at this)¬†while Bella¬†and Raven chat. Bella is a fan, and it’s clear Nick is too as they skate around on what Nick calls one of his favourite dates. Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background which is amazing because I’ve been nostalgic for 1997 all day and no I didn’t even have to google the year that song came out.

Later that evening, Raven regales Nick with the story of catching her most recent ex cheating on her. She caught¬†him full-on intercourse-ing with another woman.¬†“I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat him in the head with it,” she laughs. That’s one of the lighter moments, but the story actually turns into a cute moment between them and it’s one of the best dates of the season. I didn’t anticipate¬†Raven and Nick¬†having¬†such a strong connection but it’s definitely there.¬†“If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued then they’re not worth my time,” she drawls. “It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself,” Nick responds.¬†He finds her interesting and sassy and says Raven¬†is someone that he’s going to keep his eye on. Raven accepts the date rose and¬†confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love.¬†I mean, that seems ridiculous to me but maybe she’s just super into dudes who can rollerskate? Last weekend I saw a dude rollerblading on my street and I¬†actually shouted “WHY?!”at him. To each their own, I suppose.

It’s time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and according to Corinne, Taylor is acting very “attitude-y.” Taylor definitely has a hate-on for Corinne right now and is sooooo over her acting cuntingly (not a real word, but kind of perfect, no?). Danielle L. is the first to pull Nick aside, and this ruffles Taylor’s feathers because she already has a rose. So Taylor just hates everyone tonight, apparently. Taylor interrupts Danielle and Nick and cuddles up with him by the fire. The women start to turn on Taylor now, with Josephine suddenly on Team Corinne. BLACK IS WHITE. UP IS DOWN. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Corinne confronts Taylor, with Corinne calling her behaviour “disgusting.” “My concern is just not feeling confident that you are in a place to enter into a committed, romantic, healthy, fulfilling relationship,” Taylor starts. She states that she’s not sure Corinne has the “emotional intelligence” to be here. Corinne calls out Taylor for “feeling superior” to her when, according to Corinne, she shouldn’t. “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company…stop treating me like an idiot,” Corinne half-yells. “Taylor is the shit that I scooped in my shovel…I literally can’t even.”

Boom!

And that’s it for this week. A voiceover from Chris Harrison reveals that either Taylor or Corinne won’t be around after next week. Hit me up in the comments with your predictions!

Until next week.

 

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Recap: The Bachelor ‚Äď Week Two

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.

Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a¬†group date. The women arrive in a parade¬†of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets¬†dressed up¬†as brides, bridesmaids, and something ‚Äď in Brittany’s case ‚Ästthat involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.

Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.

SIDEBAR: HIRE ME BACHELOR SHOW I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING DATE IDEAS LIKE EATING A DOZEN DONUTS IN SILENCE WHILE MAINTAINING HARD EYE CONTACT WITH MY DATE¬†AND ALSO GETTING DAY DRUNK AND NAPPING ON ALL THE BEDS AT IKEA.‚ĄĘ

Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.

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Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not¬†appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne¬†returns to the women after her first interrupting¬†and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor¬†for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.

Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang ‚Äď we found out in week one that they hooked up at¬†Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the¬†adorable¬†Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”

In a hot tub.

On a yacht.

Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle¬†opens up to Nick about her fianc√© dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin¬†that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying¬†that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”)¬†arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved¬†Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.

The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch.¬†A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped¬†six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen¬†notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz¬†and seems a bit nervous.¬†Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).

After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in¬†four boring ways, one¬†painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that¬†depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff.¬†Aside¬†from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they¬†hooked up.¬†Ruh roh.

As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen¬†(it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue ‚Äď he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.

Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!

And that’s where we leave things.

So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.

Back  next week.