Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week one of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 6, 2014).
It’s Juan-uary which means The Bachelor is back! See what I did there? Hola Juan Pablo! You may remember JP from Desiree Hartsock’s mostly forgettable season as The Bachelorette, where he was sent home in week six. Despite a depressing lack of screen time, this Latin heartthrob set vaginas aflutter and Bachelor producers had their next skank captain!
So here we go.
First we get a glimpse of Juan Pablo’s life in Miami. It mostly involves taking his shirt off, petting the dogs of strangers, doing cartwheels, rocking flip-flops, and posing for ABC “El Bachelor” photos with a rose between his teeth. Natch. Some sort of sports consultant or something (and former pro soccer player), Juan Pablo looking for a person to “wake up with every day” and has a cute daughter Camila but is looking to knock someone else up at least twice.
Twenty-seven (yes 27! apparently the response to JP being announced as the next Bachelor was “overwhelming” so they upped it from 25) sets of blinding white veneers and hair extensions are about to step out of limos and meet their new caliente boyfriend. But first Juan Pablo gets a visit from former Bachelor Sean Lowe who TRIES TO SHAKE CAMILA’S HAND. Dude, she’s four years old. We do get one interesting piece of info: Desiree and Chris are still together. They kind of disappeared, didn’t they? Sean and JP decide to do away with the term’ journey’ (that lasts about 4 minutes), and rephrase it as an ‘adventure’. Crap. The overuse of the word ‘journey’ on this show was my go-to drinking game. Their conversation turns to kissing, and Sean encourages JP to avoid kissing a woman when the other ladies are around. Sean tells a cute story that juxtaposes the ‘reality’ of falling in love on The Bachelor with the reality of life after the show that involved him and his fiancée Catherine dousing their dog with tomato juice after it was sprayed by a skunk and he looked at her and was like “I love this woman.” Precious. I hope those two work out.
Host Chris Harrison reiterates that Juan Pablo (who looks amazeballs in a suit) is the “sexy single dad” and that the fever for him has reached “epidemic proportions.” Perhaps there’s an antibiotic for that?
Time to get to know a few of the girls a little better. We meet Chelsie who’s been fervently learning Spanish, and Renee the athletic single mom who is ready to be “vulnerable”. There’s also Assistant District Attorney Andi with the fabulous hair (who hates to read, apparently) and oddball massage therapist Amy J who apparently likes to mount and torture her clients. Next up we meet perky blonde über nurse Nikki who seems nice and fairly harmless, and ‘mineral coordinator’ (?) Lauren H. who is a dead ringer for Blakeley from Ben’s season, no? Also, she wants you to know that she’s not broken after being dumped – over the phone – by her fiancé like 5 minutes ago. Then we have farm town “pretty” girl Valerie who is a “competitive” personal trainer, followed by Lacy, the senior care center owner with a heart of gold and a pair you can really do something with. Last but not least we are introduced to part-Mexican Clare, the hairstylist whose father recorded a message to her future husband before passing away from brain cancer. Tear!
After a quick bro hug between Chris and JP it’s time for limo arrivals! First out is adorable news reporter Amy L. Kat gets a quick salsa lesson and apparently smells amazing. ‘Free Spirit’ (yup, that’s her ‘title’) Lucy arrives wearing a crown of flowers but no shoes. Because she’s a free spirit. She’s kind of adorable. Music composer Lauren S. hauls in her own piano and forgets to tell JP her name, so he follows her into the house much to the delight of the other ladies. Clare pulls a fake pregnancy stunt (foreshadowing? double bag it JP). Alli is the first lady to think of incorporating a soccer ball into her entrance (clever girl). Maggie offers her “big catch” a fishing hook, Canadian stunner (yay!) Sharleen gets fashion points from JP who loves her dress, and ADA Andi makes a very strong first impression. The rest of the arrivals are mostly a blur of sequins, hugs and nervous giggles, but Juan Pablo is visibly impressed by what he sees and with a “the house is yours” goodbye hug from Chris, makes his way inside to greet his courtesans.
Juan at a time ladies. Get it. GET IT?! JP is getting the stare down from his harem, so to break the ice and ease the tension he puts on some salsa music and a dance party erupts. There’s also a photobooth which promotes lady bonding.
Nikki the nurse gets some coveted one-on-one time and is sweet as pie. Single mom Renee bonds with her Bachelor over single parenthood. ‘Free Spirit’ Lucy is super confident/mildly creepy. She’s a self-described gypsy/drifter/no-shoes hippie. Amy J. gives Juan Pablo an awkward massage.
Chris arrives with the first impression rose which he literally puts ‘on the table’, sending the ladies into a ‘vibe changing’ frenzy. To his credit, Juan Pablo definitely needs more time to meet more of the women before handing out the night’s first rose, and so far the ladies are all getting along surprisingly well. A token mean girl has yet to emerge!
Elise feels a “special” connection with Juan Pable on the couch and Chantel confesses she screamed when she found out he was going to be the next Bachelor. Lauren H. cries in her private interview (someone’s not over being dumped by her fiancé!). Then she cries in front of other girls. Then by herself. She eventually gets her shit together and spends some time with JP…which she uses to talk about her breakup. Groan.
The recipient of the first impression rose is a bit of a shock, going to “elegant” Canadian Sharleen who keeps calling Juan Pablo ‘sir’. We all thought it would be Andi right? Sharleen isn’t super into it (she even says “seriously?” when Juan Pablo brings her the rose). She didn’t feel that “insta-chemistry” she was hoping to feel and accepts the rose with a “sure..okay…sure”. Juan Pablo doesn’t seem troubled AT ALL by her reaction.
Chris arrives to announce that a bunch of Spanx-clad ladies will be hitting the road shortly, pending the first rose ceremony. The first rose goes to not-actually-pregnant-(yet) Clare and in the end, Lauren H., Christine, Ashley, Kylie (who totally leaped forward, thinking she heard her name when JP had actually called “Kat”), Amy J., Maggie (shocked!), Alexis, Lacy (dang, I liked her but maybe she creeped him out with that homemade puzzle that had a photo of him and his daughter – stalker-ish?) and Valerie are sent home in the sad gal limos.
What did you think of Juan Pablo’s first episode? Is it possible this season won’t have the standard cuntbasket crazy girl? Will not-so-enthused Sharleen stick around for another week? Hit me up in the comments!
Note: I’ll be away in Honduras next week (fuck off, winter!) so I’ll be posting my Week 2 recap on the 20th or 21st, followed by my Week 3 recap also on the 21st (fingers crossed).
[UPDATE: My friend L wanted to know what I thought about Kelly bringing her dog Molly. My initial feeling is that it’s a bit gimmicky and also weird. But the dog was wearing a bandana that said Juan Pablo on it and that got me right in the cuterus. Also, I like dogs so I can’t really hate.]