Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode four of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 23, 2017).


Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source:

Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about his actions with Bouncy Castle Straddler™ Corinne. “It was enough to question if you’re looking for a wife,” Vanessa tells our Bachelor, of witnessing his behaviour with the mansion’s early villain during the pool party. To his credit, Nick tells Vanessa he cares about what she thinks, but implores her to “try and be a little more patient.” Corinne, meanwhile, is all about the naps these days and keeps retreating to her room to hide. Taylor and Sarah try and talk some sense into her. Corinne responds that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and insists that in this situation she’s “not privileged.” For the first time, Corinne is going into a rose ceremony without a rose. Oh calamity!

Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it’s time for another rose ceremony, and in his pep talk with Nick he asks him about Corinne “rubbing the girls the wrong way.” The problem is more that she rubs Nick’s junk in bouncy castles. When all is said and done, the final rose of the night goes to Corinne (duh), resulting in a “shocked” Christen and “single for so long” Brittany being sent home. Corinne decides this is the time to make a little speech/pep talk to the remaining women that no one even pretends to listen to because they’re all sick of her “mean girl vibe.” Shit’s about to get – wait for it – dramatic.

The women are instructed by Chris to pack their bags for a #journey. First stop: Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SO EXOTIC YOU GUYS! The ladies panic pack and charge out of the mansion with the speed and determination I reserve for office birthday cake announcements.

Nick joins his parents in Milwaukee and they talk about love and connecting and hope. “My hope is that there’s one relationship that will outshine the rest,” Nick announces. His dad responds “we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Ha.

The first one-on-one date of the week goes to a very giggly Danielle L. Nick admits that he had instant physical chemistry with Danielle, but they haven’t really had a chance to chat much so he brings her on a walk around his town. They pop into a bakery and look at ‘Nick-er-doodle’ cookies (don’t ask) and then they ‘run into’ one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. The ex, Amber (of course), gives some lame perspective on why Nick is still single in order to prove they are still on good terms. The whole thing is so staged and fake that even I have trouble paying attention and I once lost an entire weekend to a Kardashian marathon. Willingly. Nick and Danielle cop a squat in the park, and he confesses to once making a girl locker shelves in high school to get a kiss. Collectively: awwwwww.

Over cocktails that evening, Nick comments that Danielle is very put together and he’s curious as to whether she’s ever grocery shopped in sweatpants or had an embarrassing moment. The answer to both is yes. I would’ve killed that answer! Most of my embarrassing moments happen while I’m wearing sweatpants at the grocery store. Usually in the frozen foods aisle for some reason or near the samples booth. Danielle reminisces about her parents (pre-divorce) and comments that their split was hard for her because they were so affectionate and cute and the divorce came as a surprise. Nick gives her the date rose. I enjoy Danielle but the date lacked substance and she spent most of it laughing and giving one-word responses. I have to hope that her nerves got to her because she seems super awesome.

Meanwhile, a group date card arrives and the only name not called – and therefore the woman going on the next one-on-one date with Nick – is Raven. Not Corinne.

Back on their date, a concert by some bro-handsome country singer whose name I can’t be assed to google is tonight’s date ‘surprise.’ Nick and Danielle slow dance and kiss in front of a concert full of strangers. “We made a connection that is hard to explain,” our Bachelor gushes.

The next day’s group date is all ‘fun-on-the-farm’ themed and (most of) the women momentarily forget the fact that everything smells like poop when they find Nick bottle-feeding milk to baby cows. Corinne, however, is far from wooed. The head farmer/cow barista shows the women how to feed the cows and shovel poop. Corinne is not a fan of farm chores, and because she’s basically a saint she says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel “shovel poopie”.  Oh, had you forgotten Corinne has a nanny? She bails and complains about needing sushi while the other women make clever poop puns about her behaviour.

During the evening portion of the group date, Nick and Kristina connect while Corinne complains that she’s simply misunderstood. Vanessa presents Nick with a book that her students made for him, and it’s cuter than a box of puppies. Corinne addresses the other women in a ‘we’re all in this together’ way and Sarah is weirdly angry about Corinne taking a nap during last week’s rose ceremony. “Abraham Lincoln took naps!” Corinne proclaims. I have to say, watching Corinne imitate the uproar over her nap is kind of hilarious. More this Corinne, less straddler/sex predator, please. There’s also some talk about her maturity and Nick being older. Um, these girls are all like 24 so let’s just breeze past that one. Kristina approaches Corinne kindly and with concern about her ability to handle the reality of maybe being engaged to Nick at the end of this. Corinne claims that her avoidance of the rose ceremony last week was due to a panic attack, while her bailing on the cow chores was due to a “serious medical condition” of her hand cramping. Her new strategy is to get the group date rose by making Nick feel sorry for her because the other ladies have been giving her the “cold shoulder.” Nick was kind of the Corinne of Kaitlyn’s season (minus the whining, nanny and hair extensions), so he admires her ‘maturity’ in dealing with the drama. Ultimately, Corinne’s plan doesn’t work because Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina.

The last date of the week is with Raven. They meet up with Nick’s youngest sister Bella, whom we met on Kaitlyn’s season. Oh right, Nick is one of 8 kids or something? Insane. They watch Bella’s soccer game and he introduces Raven to his parents. That goes well, and they join Bella at the roller rink. Nick hams it up on the rink (he’s alarmingly good at this) while Bella and Raven chat. Bella is a fan, and it’s clear Nick is too as they skate around on what Nick calls one of his favourite dates. Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background which is amazing because I’ve been nostalgic for 1997 all day and no I didn’t even have to google the year that song came out.

Later that evening, Raven regales Nick with the story of catching her most recent ex cheating on her. She caught him full-on intercourse-ing with another woman. “I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat him in the head with it,” she laughs. That’s one of the lighter moments, but the story actually turns into a cute moment between them and it’s one of the best dates of the season. I didn’t anticipate Raven and Nick having such a strong connection but it’s definitely there. “If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued then they’re not worth my time,” she drawls. “It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself,” Nick responds. He finds her interesting and sassy and says Raven is someone that he’s going to keep his eye on. Raven accepts the date rose and confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love. I mean, that seems ridiculous to me but maybe she’s just super into dudes who can rollerskate? Last weekend I saw a dude rollerblading on my street and I actually shouted “WHY?!”at him. To each their own, I suppose.

It’s time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and according to Corinne, Taylor is acting very “attitude-y.” Taylor definitely has a hate-on for Corinne right now and is sooooo over her acting cuntingly (not a real word, but kind of perfect, no?). Danielle L. is the first to pull Nick aside, and this ruffles Taylor’s feathers because she already has a rose. So Taylor just hates everyone tonight, apparently. Taylor interrupts Danielle and Nick and cuddles up with him by the fire. The women start to turn on Taylor now, with Josephine suddenly on Team Corinne. BLACK IS WHITE. UP IS DOWN. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Corinne confronts Taylor, with Corinne calling her behaviour “disgusting.” “My concern is just not feeling confident that you are in a place to enter into a committed, romantic, healthy, fulfilling relationship,” Taylor starts. She states that she’s not sure Corinne has the “emotional intelligence” to be here. Corinne calls out Taylor for “feeling superior” to her when, according to Corinne, she shouldn’t. “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company…stop treating me like an idiot,” Corinne half-yells. “Taylor is the shit that I scooped in my shovel…I literally can’t even.”


And that’s it for this week. A voiceover from Chris Harrison reveals that either Taylor or Corinne won’t be around after next week. Hit me up in the comments with your predictions!

Until next week.



Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).


Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source:

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.


Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 2, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get re-acquainted with our Bachelor Nick, shall we?



Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source:


So, Nick isn’t new. He’s basically a Bachelor world veteran at this point. His #journey started a few years ago when he made it to the final two of Andi Dorfman’s season and was dumped before he could get down on one knee. Fast forward to the next Bachelorette – Kaitlyn Bristowe. Nick was a bit of a late addition to her season, joining a few weeks in. He had met Kaitlyn at some Bachelor social before she was announced as the next Bachelorette (I imagine it was Vegas-themed for some reason) and decided they had enough of a connection that he needed to pursue her on national television. He made it to the final two once again – this time he did propose (sorta) but was insta-rejected by our Bachelorette. Down but not out, Nick showed up on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. After a brief showmance with single mom Amanda he seemed to have found his match in Jen, but ultimately he didn’t propose (proving that people can change) and was announced as the next Bachelor while that show was still airing. Full disclosh (not a real word, you’ll learn to love it): I’m a huge Nick Viall fan. He’s adorable, funny, smart and is, like, really good dresser. I basically want to live in a pile of his cardigans. He’s 36 and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I bet his neck smells great.

First we’re treated to a bro-down with Nick and former Bachelors Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins. They’re all “we didn’t really like you on Andi’s season but we like you know dude.” Ben tells Nick to just be himself. I have an alternate suggestion: never wear a shirt. What? Nick has a banging body. Sorry not sorry. I hope there are some awesome women in his bunch who can keep up with Nick. He’s pretty bright and the dude wears the fuck out of a 3-piece suit. If I were a contestant, I’d throw my body at his body and hope for the best. Actually, who am I kidding? I’d hyperventilate in the limo and then bail and hit an In-N-Out burger or something.

Amongst this season’s women there is a French Canadian, a salon owner, a nursing student, a boutique owner who goes ‘mudding’, a soft spoken neonatal nurse, and a bridesmaid from Bachelor in Paradise’s success couple Jade and Tanner’s wedding who got drunk with Nick that night and banged him but didn’t give him her number because.. umm…. BECAUSE WHY DUMB DUMB?

It’s time for limo arrivals. They must have thrown a spider into a few of them because these women are actually screaming. Nick and host Chris Harrison share a tender “welcome back” moment. Nick is wearing an amazing polka dot tie and Chris pretends not to notice and instead is all “you were a controversial choice for Bachelor.” Nick is ready to find love and it’s just in the..err..nick of time because the women arrive.

Salon owner Danielle L. is the first out of the limo and Nick looks pleased as punch. Elizabeth – a marketing manager from Texas – is “soooo glad” that Nick is our Bachelor. There’s a possibly insane wedding videographer named Christen who is thrilled that Nick is very tall in person. Mental health counsellor Taylor makes a good first impression until she opens her mouth and blurts out that all of her friends casually refer to Nick as a “piece of shit” (yes, she told him this). There’s a model named Angela who seems quite lovely.  Sassy Sarah is tickled to find food awaiting her in the mansion (spirit animal!) and a spunky gal named Ida Marie does a trust fall with our Bachelor. When our favourite bridesmaid (and doula, cool!) Elizabeth “Liz” shows up she suspects Nick doesn’t remember her (and claims she’s cool with that) but he reveals to Chris Harrison that he thinks he met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Corinne  gets a “she’s cute” from Nick and Frenchie Vanessa wows him as well. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. arrives with homemade syrup and they have a very sweet exchange (see what I did there? It’s ok to groan). Alexis shows up in a shark costume but THINKS SHE IS A DOLPHIN (yes, I’m shouting).

Nick enters the mansion after meeting his 30 ladies and says some stuff about being normal in an abnormal world or whatever who cares he’s so handsome. We enter the portion of night one where Nick starts to have some one-on-one time with his girlfriends. He really connects with lawyer Rachel, Danielle L. and Vanessa. Corinne gets the first kiss of the night, which obviously doesn’t annoy the other women at.all (sarcasm). Wait until they hear she referred to him as Nickelodeon (no!). The women are all gorgeous, are mostly wearing red dresses, and look like they promote sunglasses and meal delivery services on Instagram.

While Nick gets to know, well, everyone, Jasmine G. earns the title of First Crier. She’s emotional over “the environment” of the house. Shark girl Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin and jumps in the pool and then Nick breaks it to her that she is dressed as a shark. “That’s a concern,” Nick deadpans. While chatting with Liz, Nick confesses he totes remembers meeting herat Jade and Tanner’s wedding (that explains the “weird look”, she responds). “I remember being very intrigued by you,” Nick tells her, and adds that he was bummed when she wouldn’t give him her digits, post-coitus. After all, she could’ve just asked Jade for his number if she really wanted to stay in touch. Liz says that after she saw Nick on Bachelor in Paradise her impression of him changed and her “stereotype” of him disappeared. That conversation ends abruptly, and Liz worries that Nick may send her packing. Later, he tells Chris that their conversation wasn’t the best and their connection is on “shakey ground.” I guess it may seem suspect that she didn’t want to stay in touch with him after they hooked up but suddenly he’s The Bachelor and here she is? I actually hope he keeps Liz around because she seems pretty cool and down-to-earth.

The First Impression Rose (FIR – I like acronyms, you’ll adapt) makes its first appearance, and the girl who forced Nick to eat a raw hot dog with him Lady-and-the-Tramp style hopes it doesn’t go to Corinne: “It’s a bold move to kiss someone on the first night.” So is giving someone food poisoning. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. is just so gosh darned sweet but it isn’t enough to land her the FIR which goes to Rachel. Our Bachelor tells Rachel he was immediately taken by her “aura and presence” and she accepts his rose “100%.” They kiss and hold hands a bit and it’s pretty cute.

Once the roses are handed out, Shark-Dolphin is safe. So is the girl who kept telling Nick that all her friends think he’s THE WORST. And Liz is safe too, proving that it is always a good idea to bed down after weddings because that guy may be the Bachelor one day.

Lauren and Angela and Briana and some other red dresses are sent home.

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 8, 2016).


Bachelor Ben Higgins. Source:

Howdy rose lovers. We pick up right where last week’s cliffhanger left us – Ben pulling Olivia away to chat while the other women speculate that maybe Olivia will have her rose revoked.

Olivia spins the whole tension with the other women thing to Ben as having a target on her back since receiving the first impression rose. “I’m just…different. I‎ like reading books in my room.” hahaha. “I sometimes come off as intimidating,” Olivia adds. She responds super calmly  to all of Ben’s questions (I almost threw my phone at the TV when she said “I like to talk smart things”) and they return to the group. “You are all different and every week this gets tougher and more confusing,” Ben announces, before heading into the rose ceremony. Emily can barely contain her rage at Olivia not being sent home. I wish I was half as confident about anything as Olivia is about her connection with Ben. Olivia is still teary but doesn’t want to talk about it with the other women, who feign concern over her emotional state. Where Olivia does want to talk about it is in her private on camera interview where she’s all ‘ha ha you all thought I was going home but nope’ and adds a “come at me, bro” for good measure. Oh man, I kind of like it. What if Olivia is the normal one and everyone else is crazy? No? No. Oh god, forget I said that. But I have trouble hating on anyone within an hour of a yoga class. Don’t worry, it should wear off in about 20 minutes.

After the rose ceremony, Emily gets the last rose and Jennifer is sent home. God I wish Chris Harrison came out right now and was all “Jennifer, I’m sorry…we all…sorta…forgot you were here. We also forgot about Leah but she blends in with the blondes so…bye? Thanks for quitting your job and coming out here.” Somehow Leah is still around and will hopefully get some screen time this week.‎ I predict that time will involve crying.

Ben and his harem raise their glasses of champagne‎ in a toast to the news that they are off to the Bahamas.

“The water is sooo blue and the sand is soooo white” mumbles Becca. At this point when all the women gather in a small space it’s mostly a sea of indistinguishable blonde hair. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces that one of the dates this week will be the dreaded two-on-one. The solo date is a repeat for Caila (who was the first to go on a one-on-one date with our Bachelor) and we finally hear from Leah who is right pissed about not having any time with Ben and throws in a “why am I heeeeeeere?” moan. Leah can barely look at Ben when he comes to pick Caila up, and casts some hard side-eye his way.

They head out to do some deep sea fishing (not a euphemism). Ben says that he needs alone time with Caila since their first date also included Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (the best!), but he realizes that there are others who haven’t had a one-on-one (so Leah and Olivia).

Back at the hotel, Leah is crying and terrified that she will end up on the two-on-one. ‎”We could have met at a bar but the universe brought us together in this process,” says Leah, who lives in the same town as Ben I think? Also, it wasn’t the universe. It was a casting agent.

“Caila is funny and beautiful and sexy and smart,” Ben gushes, but he wants to dig a little deeper. Caila and her amazing hair want to “be more vulnerable” with Ben and then she tells Ben that she loves him (what?) but then it gets confusing.  And all the oxygen seems to leave his body. “I think my greatest fear is that I can’t totally, completely love somebody…it feels like I’m going to hurt you,” she says. Huh?

The group date card arrives and by process of elimination (and because, duh) Olivia and Emily will be on the two-on-one date but Leah gets to go on the group date. Olivia calls Emily a bird and also says something about her being young which is ridic because their age difference is 1 year except no it’s not because Olivia is obviously lying about her age by like 8 years. Oh, good. The yoga niceness just wore off. I’m back!

Back on their date, Ben is trying to decipher Caila’s confusing bombshell of I love you, maybe? “I know that I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood,” Caila explains. This and some other crap about feeling happy (and the fact that Ben finds confusion attractive) are enough to secure her the date rose.

It’s group date day and the women arrive in jean shorts and bikini tops. Ben is hoping for a light, fun day. A ginormous handsome pig who I have named Humphrey is swimming nearby and is soon joined by more pigs. Ben announces they are going to feed the pigs hot dogs and someone is all “we’re going to feed the pig PIG” and Ben laughs and announces that the hot dogs are chicken. Well, ok then? “This is like a bar in Dallas, there are pigs everywhere,” deadpans JoJo (love!). If this whole show was watching people swim with wild pigs and maybe sometimes things go bad, I would watch and recap that show forever.

Some of the women love the pig play. Most of them, however….

Source: Michael Empric on Vine

Meanwhile, Olivia is strolling the beach in a pretty awesome bathing suit while Emily calls her twin sister to whine about having to be on a date with Olivia.

After the pig action calms down, the awkwardness of the group date setting starts to set‎ in. Hard. The vibe totally shifts and basically the women kind of start ignoring Ben. He questions JoJo a bit about the weirdo vibes because he thinks she is one who “gets it,” and he confesses that he feels super self conscious. “How do you date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everyone happy?” Ben asks, lamely. Some creepy dude hiding in a bunker in Nevada with 18 wives‎ is like “I hear you, bro!”

Leah finally breaks down after some inane chit chat with Ben about liking pigs and Ben tells her that she hasn’t really made an effort to get him alone on group dates and begs her to “make the most of today.” They hug it out‎ but Leah still doesn’t get why he is keeping her around. You and the rest of Twitter, honey.


Dream date

On the p.m portion of their group date, Leah is trying to figure out how to “save herself.” Ben acknowledges that the date was uncomfortable and wants to talk through a lot of things with a lot of blondes (and JoJo).

First up is Becca who admits she was “standoffish” and says that some of it was due to Ben’s obvious connection w‎ith Lauren B. But there’s good news! Becca is still, like, a total smitten kitten and they kiss.

The “morbid” date card for Olivia and Emily arrives and Olivia lies that they are the same age but she will feel like Emily’s mom. “Tomorrow will be just fine…at least on my end,” Olivia predicts.

Leah is finally getting some screen time and Ben encourages her to be open and honest.‎ Stupidly, she uses this time to crap on Lauren B. instead of working on their connection. Insert screeching tire sound here. Lauren B.? Lauren B. is a concern? This comes off as pure jealousy. Leah infers that Lauren B. may be a bit two-faced and I can almost hear Twitter explode because she’s a fan favourite! “I’ve been pretty genuine with who I am,” Lauren emphasizes while Ben massages her neck. “I care about you…this gets in my head,” Ben admits. “I feel like I would never use my time with Ben to talk about anyone else,” Lauren B. says in her private interview. EXACTLY! Weak move, Leah. Weak. Clearly all the other women like Lauren B. and when Lauren mildly inquires out loud about who would say such a thing to Ben Leah flat out lies and is all “it wasn’t me.” Sabotage! Oh, so this is why Leah has been invisible up until now. She’s terrible. Ugh. Less of this, more pigs please.

Lauren is still red-faced from crying when Ben rejoins the group and gives the date rose to Amanda.

Later, Lauren B. and Amanda are playing a little game of whodunnit ‎and they immediately land on Leah as the culprit of the Lauren B. lie. Leah has curled her eyelashes so clearly she means business. She sneaks out to go see Ben and hopes that she can make him believe her about Lauren. She’s all about the numbers game. With Lauren gone, her chances just get better. Wow, someone overdid it on the Carnation Instant Bitch this morning! Stop making Olivia seem normal!

Ben welcomes Leah into his suite and pours some wine and she is here to make sure he “doesn’t end up with Lauren B.” “I don’t want to sit here and talk bad about Lauren,” she claims…and adds that there are situations where Lauren comes off as not caring. Basically the worst thing Leah can come up with is that Lauren is “catty.” “I think you’ll be able to figure it out,” she says, playing to Ben perfectly in her mind.

Doesn’t work.

“I don’t know what’s missing, but it is,” he tells Leah, adding that he felt something on night one but after that the spark died and he adds that he ept her around because of that initial connection. “I think it’s best for us to say goodbye,” he drops. ‎While he knows he made the right choice sending Leah away in the Sad Gal Limo™, Ben can’t shake some of the things she said about Lauren B.

The next day…

A storm is a brewin’ and this one involves Olivia and Emily. This is as close to a one-on-one as Olivia has gotten and she’s hard smiling about how amazing it’s all going to be and the “quality time” she’ll have with Ben and how they will get to continue “writing their love story.” Emily is just worried that Olivia will continue to effectively “manipulate‎” Ben.

The sea is angry and Ben is hoping to figure out stuff about this “new Emily” sans her twin Haley and explore his recent “reconnecting” with Olivia while some negative comments from the other women about her continue to roll around in his brain. “Ben and I’s‎ love is all consuming,” says a delusional (and grammatically incorrect) Olivia, and they head off alone to chat. She spends a lot of time telling Ben she is “confident” and “in tune with her body” (why?) and that “deep intellectual things are just my jam.” This nonsense transitions into her telling Ben she’s in love with him and it’s a lot of crazy eyes and Ben thanks her for her time and now it’s Emily’s turn.

“I want this to be the turning point on our journey,” Emily tells him, adding that she basically wants to be around Ben all the time. It’s a cute speech and Ben tells her he’s seen another side of her and that it’s been exciting and he plays with her hair and that’s pretty sweet but that kinda trails off abruptly. Claps to her for not spending this time crap talking Olivia to him. There are two women and only one rose and it’s about to get super awk. Ben picks up the rose and asks to speak to Olivia privately. So Emily is thinking ‘nooooooooooooooo’ but I’m thinking ‘don’t give up yet!’

“So today you were able to speak from your heart…” Ben starts with Olivia. And ends with “I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings.”


Olivia is stunned. Emily is shocked/ecstatic.

Time to take those cankles home and, in the spirit of Lace, go work on yourself. What a spectacular fall from grace Olivia has had.

Back at the hotel, a producer arrives to grab her suitcase and‎ of course everyone sees it’s Olivia’s.

“He let go of a really good person today,” cries Olivia. Nope, he didn’t. But the night is young. She is left alone crying on some island.

The next day, Ben is all contemplate-y and confused so he sends Chris Harrison to tell the women that there will be no pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and instead they will head straight into a rose ceremony. JoJo is particularly effected which is odd since she’s obviously a frontrunner. The first rose goes to Becca. Next is JoJo (finally figured it out – she looks like Isla Fisher!)‎ and the last rose goes, predictably, to Lauren B.

Teacher Lauren H. is left rose-less and Ben walks her out with a simple “sorry.” And then there were six!

A quick note about next week – I’m off to Central America so my recap will be a few days late but I’m hoping to have it up by Thursday night. Thanks for reading!


Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 18, 2016).


Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source:

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Lots to get to from last night’s episode. So grab a coffee and shuffle some papers on your desk to make it look like you’re doing work and here we go.

We kick off week three with a shot of Lauren B. and Amanda gossiping over coffee about how apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes to come on the show! Host Chris Harrison arrives and addresses Ben’s harem in the living room with the first date card which is for, predictably, Lauren B. “The sky’s the limit” the card reads. “She’s somebody that has stood out to me from the moment she stepped out of the limo,” Ben says of Lauren B. Fight attendant Lauren should feel right at home at the airport Ben drives them to but she’s nervous at the prospect of getting onto a tiny plane (called a bi-plane) that looks like it came out of a Kinder Surprise Egg. All fears aside, Lauren and Ben are soon flying high on romance and fumes. The plane is a perfect shade of won’t crash yellow, which helps soothes her nerves. The kissing helps too even though it looks hella awkward. Ben and Lauren even do a fly-by over the mansion where the other women are lounging by the pool and day drinking (jealous).

After their plane adventure, Ben gives Lauren a piggyback ride to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. It’s like Oprah showed up on set one day and was all “hot tubs for everyone!!!” Also, that must be one long as fuck extension chord. I’ve always dreamed of undressing behind a tree on a date so hopefully this was also on Lauren B’s bucket list. Now bathing-suit clad, the duo climb into the hot tub. That’s 2 hot tubs in 2 weeks, if anyone is keeping count (I know you are). Ben throws around the word “peaceful” a few times and Lauren giggles that she might get her pilot’s license. Ben is totes smitten, that much is obvious. It’s all a bit bland but not offensive. I miss Kaitlyn as Bachelorette. She had enough personality to make dates fun to watch. This one is…not. The best part is that Ben looks at Lauren like ‘whoa’ which is pretty cute.

Back at the house, Caila (who had last week’s first one-on-one date) is emotional because apparently it’s just hitting her now that she could get her heart broken. ‎”It’s hard to have an open heart,” she cries. If you had 15 minutes in your first tears of the night pool you just made yourself some latte money my friend.

On the evening portion of their date, Lauren is in a beautiful white dress which I would never have the guts to wear because red wine. Lauren talks about her dad’s love for simple things like family and lawn maintenance. She seems to have a really good head on her shoulders and I can see these two making it to the end to end up in pretty, albeit perhaps somewhat boring, coupledom. Lauren says she is “very picky” which is why no one has put a ring on it yet.

At the house a group date card arrives for like 65 of the women it seems.‎ We are reminded that there is a Rachel. We all forgot about Rachel right? Apparently her nervousness about being on the date card translates to holding her abs and I’m all like we get it Rachael your core is ridic.

After Ben tells Lauren B. about his father’s heart problems she sorta blurts out that she wants to meet his parents but it plays adorable and not at all stage 5 clinger. After giving her the date rose, another band I’ve never heard of who is probably super famous in middle America serenades them. ‎On The Bachelor, every barn/castle/pub/gallery is secretly the Peach Pit after Dark and if you do not get that reference I am old enough to have been your babysitter and I hate you also please teach me Instagram thanks.

The next morning the women on the group date run hard at Ben on a soccer field. Ben likes to see what “attitudes they bring to the table”. In case we have forgotten, Ben is totes into all the sports and right in his element on the field. Rachel, whose profession is listed as “unemployed” (jealous again) is psyched when two female pro soccer players join them on the field for some ball training (pun intended).

Back at the Mansion of Tears, Jubilee is “beginning to fall for Ben” and is worried that she isn’t Ben’s type. His type being, she predicts, the “always happy girls.” ‎Jubilee sees herself as “complicated” (invoking thoughts of this Sex and the City scene, right?) and is worried Ben won’t be into her.

Chris Harrison joins the field crew to divide the women into teams to compete for an after-party with Ben. Olivia is all grrrr I got this‎ agro and the twins are split up and I am bored.

It’s Team Stars vs. Team Stripes‎ in a soccer match to the death (it feels like). Olivia has her TV announcer voice on all the time and Lace doesn’t understand soccer and the referee is kind of handsome and twin Emily is some sort of soccer savant goalie. “Balls flying at your face is never fun” she says. Oh come on, which producer got her to say that? Slow clapping for you, whoever you are. Previously invisible Rachel quickly recovers from an injury because love means never feeling a torn ligament, I guess? In the end, the victors are Team Stripes. So basically Olivia. So her and her mouth (did she get more teeth since last week??) will be all over the after party.

The sad Stars return to the house heartbroken and actually broken in Rachel’s case while Ben cheers to the winners and wears the shit out of a leather jacket. Amber’s goal is to finally get some alone time with Ben but Olivia swoops in first and they wander off holding hands into a hotel room and they wave down to the other women from a balcony. After getting comfy on the couch Olivia is all “the other women find me intimidating” which Ben seems kinda cool with since he gets that giving her the first impression rose on night one did essentially put a target on her back.

When Olivia returns from touching faces with Ben, Jami reveals to Olivia that the other women were making fun of her toes and gossiping that Olivia has fake boobs and bad breath. To her credit, Olivia is like “perfection is boring.”  Nice!

The next solo date card arrives at the house and it’s for Jubilee and she jumps up and down and maybe pees herself.

Back on the group date after-party, Amber finally makes her big move and tells Ben she knows what she wants and likes the way he handles himself and they share their first kiss and it’s enough to get her the date rose. “Now I know why I came back,” she says and I shout “because Bachelor in Paradise finished filming and you needed an excuse to wear all those bathing suits you bought?”

Jubilee is still in shock at getting the one-on-one date because she’s not a princess and she psyches herself out a bit and predicts she may go all “socially awkward‎” on the date. Previously ghostly quiet Jami refers to Jubilee as an “awko taco” and now she’s my favourite. Yup, it’s that easy. Toughie Jubilee is “deathly afraid of heights” and jokingly offers to give up her date when she sees the helicopter that lands on the grounds of the house to pick her and Ben up. The other women are disproportionately offended at Jubilee’s lack of gosh darn over the top enthusiasm. I mean, clearly she’s one of those people who defaults to sarcasm when they are nervous or on the spot (raises hand in solidarity). Ben’s hands are apparently made of magic or Valium because while Jubilee is nervous at first, she calms down quick on the helicopter ride when Ben puts his hand on her leg.

Their date takes place at an insanely Pinterest-worthy spa where they try caviar which Jubilee spits out (true story) and she confesses her love of hot dogs and her nervousness at being on the date. “Jubilee intrigues me,” Ben says. There’s another hot tub (!) and Jubilee gets to show off some of her tattoos and their interaction is totally different than the other women and Ben seems to dig it. She teases him a bit and babbles on a bit and makes him blush and she gushes in her voice-over that Ben might really “get her.” He’s certainly intrigued. It’s at least more interesting than the Lauren date, despite a clearly stronger romantic connection there.

Things get emotional over dinner as we learn more about Jubilee’s sad past. She was adopted out of Haiti when the rest of her family died, and Ben is very impressed by her strength and depth. He gives her the date rose and she sits on his lap so they can make out without that pesky food no one ever eats in the way. Ben with Jubilee is the most interesting version of Ben so far (aside from his time with Kaitlyn last season). More of this, please.

The next morning everyone is shocked to learn that Jubilee clearly got over her awko taco phase and killed it on the date enough to get a rose and stick around for another week. This is particularly horrifying to Lauren H. because suddenly word on the street is that Jubilee is mean and she won’t fit in with the other soccer moms. She specifically says “soccer moms.” Ugh.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party Ben tearfully announces that two close family friends passed away in a plane crash, and true to form Olivia is the first to steal him away for solo time. Instead of saying something even remotely comforting or sweet she tears up and tells Ben that people are crap talking her cankles and oh yeah she hates her legs too. This may be clever editing but if this was the first and only thing Olivia said to Ben for realsies rather than to see how he was handling the loss of his friends then she is a real cuntbasket. Amanda comes in and saves the day with her sweet talking and sympathy eyes.

A lot of the women are gossiping about Jubilee tonight,‎ which makes her retreat a bit into herself and separate from the other women. In her voice-over she alludes to other women not really liking her which typically raises an insta red flag with me because my female friendships are my life and I’m generally weary of girls who are all “I don’t get along with other women.” But with Jubilee, I find myself nodding and not rolling my eyes when she says this stuff, even when she describes herself as “more complicated than the other women.” She may be right. Jubilee later leads Ben to a massage table that has been set up nearby and gives him a massage to help take his mind off things (apparently massages are, like, his favourite) while Becca leads a pack of spies to creep on their solo time. Not a great side of Becca. Now Lace (who may or may not already be faced but frankly it’s hard to tell at this point) is pissed too because while Jubilee is safe from elimination this week she is not and thinks it unfair that Jubilee is hogging extra time.

Amber weirdly appoints herself the spokesperson for the angry anti-Jubilee mob and a crew of period-synched ladies hunt Jubilee down to express their anger over her rub down rendezvous with our Bachelor. Jubilee locks herself into a bathroom and shouts down any woman who approaches her. Ben tries to calm her down and Amber interrupts and makes her cry and tells her the other women were offended that she didn’t seem “grateful” enough to be going on a solo date with Ben. Ben handsomely interjects that he likes Jubilee just the way she is and says he takes responsibility for the emotions in the house. Uhhh good luck with that. Emotionally depleted, he then has to deal with Lace. He actually sighs while following her outside.

A tearful Lace launches into an apology and says she has “a lot of work to do” on herself and that she may need to bail so that she can go home and, like, do that. it possible Lace is trying to save face because she senses she will be roseless by the end of the night? Either way, she is making the right decision. Lace quotes a tattoo she has as inspiration for her departure. The tattoo says something like “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself” or something. Where the eff on her body is that? And then, with very minimal fanfare and almost cold detachment, she is gone. Did NOT see that one coming. At all. Lace does say in her departure interview that if she got her shit together she hopes she could be with someone as great as Ben. Ben is like a crazy whisperer!!!

If I referred to my tattoos every time I suddenly exited a reality dating show it would go something like: “My random upper arm Egyptian looking symbol that I got when I was 16 in a van at a music festival really showed me that I had to follow my gut but, more specifically, my lower back Gemini tattoo and really take some quality time with my dad’s initial on my ankle because French word for faith on my wrist” and the dude would already be  gone and back inside the house from the moment I said the word “van” and he’d be toasting 20 women coated in spray tan.

After a super emotional rose ceremony where Olivia shakily accepts the final rose of the night (punishment, we assume, for her untimely and self-centered comments earlier), a “blindsided” Jami and jumpsuit-clad Shushanna are left roseless and off to the limo of Sad Gal Tears™. Turns out Shushanna speaks English. Quite well! Cue the sad piano music over Jami’s (hopefully joking) exit line: “I’m going to start adopting cats now.” But lest we forget Olivia. She may have received the last rose but she will not be deterred! She reads a shit ton of subtext into Ben’s post-rose hug and lays down some fighting words: “He’s my man at this point.” If this is the logic we apply to life then, here’s one for me: My Starbucks barista drew a smiley face on my coconut latte cup this morning so we’re totally engaged now!

Next week the Bachelor and his dwindling harem are off to Vegas where Olivia continues to piss everyone off. In a post-credit hot tub blooper, we re-visit Ben and Lauren B. in the hot tub and there’s a weird noise and they laugh and are silly and it’s actually the best part of the date.

Until next week!

The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Four Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 27, 2014).

This is the last post where I can say: “Welcome back to Juan-uary!” I think we’re all a bit relieved about that.

First things first: Juan’s daughter Camila has a wedgie. With that out of the way, El Bachelor and his harem are heading to Seoul, South Korea. This announcement sends the 13 remaining women into a hysterical fit of bouncing and screaming. Pull it together quick ladies – you only have 60 minutes to pack. It sometimes takes me longer to pick a sandwich* at lunch.

Seoul looks kind of amazing! I want to go to there. The ladies walk the streets (not in that way, though I imagine a few are familiar with the concept) arm-in-arm and take in the sights. Upon returning to their hotel, it gets verrrry quiet when the women notice the date card waiting for them. It’s a group date card, and it’s for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki. Nikki is super bummed to be stuck on a group date, but cheer up girl because it’s K-Pop time!

The women arrive at a studio in the heart of Seoul and learn that they will be dancing with one of the biggest K-Pop bands in the world apparently, 2NE1. Juan Pablo loves! to! dance! So he’s super amped. The ladies and JP get put through some choreography, with Kat deciding that she’s the choreographer, thus earning scathing looks from Nikki. 2NE1 invites the ladies to join them on stage at a gig later that night, and Nikki is hoping that they are “performing for the South Korean School for the Blind.”

The ladies arrive at a packed 4-story mall and are invited on stage and seem to immediately forget every piece of choreography they learned. Within moments, their dance routine is completely abandoned and instead the ladies are doing more of a group bounce, with the exception of Kat who finds her way to centre stage to dance up a storm and also lip synch. To Korean pop. Yup. The other women practically yell “SPOTLIGHT STEALER” into her mouth. Nikki thinks Kat should just stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer. Me-ow. Oh speaking of cats, in her solo interviews I’m fairly certain Chelsie is wearing a cat ear headband thing.

[Side note: does Nikki totally look like that girl who played the babysitter on Growing Pains? Just me?]





Later that evening. JP and his dates unwind over cocktails, and Kat quickly pulls him aside for some serious talk. She wants him to know she’s not just an amazing dancer, she’s, like, a person too. Kat confesses that her dad was a major alcoholic and her parents split when she was six but it’s cool because her mom is amazeballs.

Meanwhile, Nikki is doing her best to shove her foot in her mouth. She’s calling Kat out for being two-faced and fake and over-the-top. Cassandra has the sads because cattiness makes her uncomfortable (“Well Cassandra, if you hate cattiness you certainly auditioned for the right show” – says no one).

Elise and Juan Pablo get to chatting and she wants him to know that not all the woman are great potential step-mom candidates. Thanks captain obvious. JP confirms he’s keeping his eyes “very open.” Despite being kind of miserable all day, Nikki really turns on the sweetness and charm when her solo time comes around, and she emphasizes how badly she wants to open up with him and doesn’t want to fade into the background just because she’s surrounded by more attention-seeking personalities. Nikki pulls out all the stops: I love kids, I’m the best diaper changer ever, etc. Translation: PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. And it works, because Nikki gets the group date rose and Kat looks like she’s going to shit herself.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and Sharleen will be heading out on the next one-on-one.

The next day, Juan Pablo is shown showering before his big date with his “favourite one” Sharleen. I strongly suspect she’s his favourite because she’s an actual challenge for him. He’s waxed poetic about Sharleen’s ‘class’, so I’m curious to see how the date will go. They stroll hand-in-hand through a Seoul market that JP feels is like walking through a “mice”. Maze. He means maze. Gosh that’s a cute accent. They sample food and drink and get stared at a lot.

At the hotel, Chelsie is spilling secrets (and nail polish). Apparently Sharleen has commented that her conversations with JP have been “boring” and they have nothing really to talk about. Wait, what? What’s wrong with this girl? She so all over the place. One minute she’s practically forcing JP to make out with her in front of the other ladies and the next she’s claiming she’s not that into him? Either Sharleen’s completely bipolar or she’s playing a really confusing long con.

“Cheeky” Juan Pablo wants to hear Sharleen sing (she is an opera singer after all) and she’s all flirty eyes and telling JP that he’s “not bland.” Sharleen seems thrilled that Juan Pablo is more fun than she expected. After the sun sets, the duo are in a courtyard type of thing and JP puts her on the spot to sing opera. She kills it, and then they make out and it’s pretty hot. Sharleen confirms to the world that he’s a great kisser.

They sit down for dinner and talk about family and culture, and JP feels strongly that they have a lot in common. Then the big question from him: how many kids does Sharleen want? He wants two or three more. Cut to the hotel, and the ladies are discussing Sharleen’s lack of maternal instinct and playfulness. Back on the date, Sharleen and JP dance around the kid question for a bit until he asks her again point blank how many kids she wants. “I’m not one of those girls that…like…kids for me is something that I never even thought about. I’ve been so career-focused that I sort of feel like…my relationships up to now have come as a second propriety.”

Sharleen admits she dated someone with a kid before and she “wasn’t prepared” for it. She couldn’t get over that she was never going to be the mother of his first child. Gasp! This could be the end of Sharleen. But since week one JP has been super into her and loves her honesty, and that hasn’t changed with this startling admission. Sharleen gets the date rose.

The next day, Juan Pablo meets up with Renee, Andi, Alli, Kelly, Clare and Lauren for a “krazy” group date. Their first stop is a karaoke bar (fun!). There’s tambourines and group dancing and indecipherable song lyrics. After karaoke they cool off at a lemonade stand, then venture out in paddle boats and then they end up in one of those fish pedicure places where the fish eat your dead skin. Apparently Renee has super delicious feet because they go to TOWN on her tootsies. I’ve always wanted to try that! Clare starts acting a bit territorial and it doesn’t go unnoticed by the other gals, especially Andi.

Back on the streets of Seoul, it’s time to eat octopus. But Clare no likey and makes a big show of it. Only after the whole group CHANT HER NAME does she choke it down. Kelly’s comment of “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that” makes my life. I only wish she’d sad it at the time, and not later in her private interview. It’s the most I’ve ever liked Kelly.

Over drinks later that night, the focus is on kissing! JP pulls Renee away first and she is really gunning for a smooch. They have the whole single parent thing in common, but perhaps Renee could talk less about their kids when she’s trying to get made out with? JP has decided he’s already kissed six girls and that it’s time to take a step back. Sorry Renee.

Assistant District Attorney Andi (one of my early faves) teases Juan Pablo about his dancing skills and they clearly have the same weird sense of humour. El Bachelor really wants to kiss her but he’s pumped the brakes on all kissing tonight and isn’t about to change his mind now. Instead they hold hands.

Lauren (there’s a Lauren?) tries to plant one on JP during their alone time but it’s a no go. Instead, they do an awkward hug-dance thing and she’s kinda hurt and pissed because she knows he’s kissed some of the other women. Soon after, the ladies notice that the camera person is scurrying over to catch Lauren crying to Juan Pablo, who is trying to comfort her because he won’t kiss her. They hug it out.

On to the next drama – it’s everyone hate on Clare time. Kelly and Andi are imitating Clare’s octopus revulsion with hilarious accents. Speaking of Clare, she’s whisked JP away for some alone time and admits that she threw up in her mouth after eating the teeny tiny piece of octopus. The issue of kissing comes up (the theme of the evening, apparently). JP’s resolve melts because he’s “helpless” around Clare and they smooch for a bit, but ultimately the group date rose goes to Andi (yay).

Heading into the pre-rose ceremony cocktail, Juan Pablo suspects the night might be tense, because the woman are starting to be “a little uncomfortable with each other.” The women decide on a sort of ‘agreement’ whereby the ones who already have roses won’t attempt to monopolize JP’s time, so as to allow the woman without roses to make their plea…err….spend some much needed time with El Bachelor. But Nikki promptly blows that to shit and interrupts JP and Clare’s time together. “There comes a point where you do have to be a little selfish,” Nikki justifies. Peace out, Clare.

Nikki engages Juan Pablo in a conversation about eye contact and shyness and how when a woman likes a man she avoids eye contact. That’s just science, y’all. JP hints at some drama in the house and you can see Nikki immediately get her back up. She suspects that Clare may have been shit talking her just prior to Nikki interrupting them (she wasn’t). Yeah, Nikki, remember when you interrupted them and you already have a rose?

Kelly finds herself sitting between Clare and Nikki. Awkward! Clare comments to Nikki that “you’re one way with the girls and one way with him.” Nikki counters that Clare isn’t the one handing out the roses. Well played.

Time for the rose ceremony! JP realizes that whomever he sends home will have a long long LONG flight back. I hope for their sake that they get to partake in free booze! The roses go to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli(son), Clare, and Kat.

Elise and Lauren are heading home on Just Dumped Airways (not a real airline, but it should be). No surprises tonight. Neither girl seemed to make a huge impact on Juan. Lauren feels dumb for trying so hard to kiss JP. Elise cries and says that it was hard being around so many people who are ugly (on the inside).

Until next week, when JP and his harem head to Vietnam. Will tensions continue between Clare and Nikki? Will Danielle finally get some camera time? What is Allison? Will Juan Pablo continue his (select) moratorium on kissing?

*2 sandwiches