Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 2, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get re-acquainted with our Bachelor Nick, shall we?

 

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

 

So, Nick isn’t new. He’s basically a Bachelor world veteran at this point. His #journey started a few years ago when he made it to the final two of Andi Dorfman’s season and was dumped before he could get down on one knee. Fast forward to the next Bachelorette – Kaitlyn Bristowe. Nick was a bit of a late addition to her season, joining a few weeks in. He had met Kaitlyn at some Bachelor social before she was announced as the next Bachelorette (I imagine it was Vegas-themed for some reason) and decided they had enough of a connection that he needed to pursue her on national television. He made it to the final two once again – this time he did propose (sorta) but was insta-rejected by our Bachelorette. Down but not out, Nick showed up on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. After a brief showmance with single mom Amanda he seemed to have found his match in Jen, but ultimately he didn’t propose (proving that people can change) and was announced as the next Bachelor while that show was still airing. Full disclosh (not a real word, you’ll learn to love it): I’m a huge Nick Viall fan. He’s adorable, funny, smart and is, like, really good dresser. I basically want to live in a pile of his cardigans. He’s 36 and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I bet his neck smells great.

First we’re treated to a bro-down with Nick and former Bachelors Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins. They’re all “we didn’t really like you on Andi’s season but we like you know dude.” Ben tells Nick to just be himself. I have an alternate suggestion: never wear a shirt. What? Nick has a banging body. Sorry not sorry. I hope there are some awesome women in his bunch who can keep up with Nick. He’s pretty bright and the dude wears the fuck out of a 3-piece suit. If I were a contestant, I’d throw my body at his body and hope for the best. Actually, who am I kidding? I’d hyperventilate in the limo and then bail and hit an In-N-Out burger or something.

Amongst this season’s women there is a French Canadian, a salon owner, a nursing student, a boutique owner who goes ‘mudding’, a soft spoken neonatal nurse, and a bridesmaid from Bachelor in Paradise’s success couple Jade and Tanner’s wedding who got drunk with Nick that night and banged him but didn’t give him her number because.. umm…. BECAUSE WHY DUMB DUMB?

It’s time for limo arrivals. They must have thrown a spider into a few of them because these women are actually screaming. Nick and host Chris Harrison share a tender “welcome back” moment. Nick is wearing an amazing polka dot tie and Chris pretends not to notice and instead is all “you were a controversial choice for Bachelor.” Nick is ready to find love and it’s just in the..err..nick of time because the women arrive.

Salon owner Danielle L. is the first out of the limo and Nick looks pleased as punch. Elizabeth – a marketing manager from Texas – is “soooo glad” that Nick is our Bachelor. There’s a possibly insane wedding videographer named Christen who is thrilled that Nick is very tall in person. Mental health counsellor Taylor makes a good first impression until she opens her mouth and blurts out that all of her friends casually refer to Nick as a “piece of shit” (yes, she told him this). There’s a model named Angela who seems quite lovely.  Sassy Sarah is tickled to find food awaiting her in the mansion (spirit animal!) and a spunky gal named Ida Marie does a trust fall with our Bachelor. When our favourite bridesmaid (and doula, cool!) Elizabeth “Liz” shows up she suspects Nick doesn’t remember her (and claims she’s cool with that) but he reveals to Chris Harrison that he thinks he met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Corinne  gets a “she’s cute” from Nick and Frenchie Vanessa wows him as well. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. arrives with homemade syrup and they have a very sweet exchange (see what I did there? It’s ok to groan). Alexis shows up in a shark costume but THINKS SHE IS A DOLPHIN (yes, I’m shouting).

Nick enters the mansion after meeting his 30 ladies and says some stuff about being normal in an abnormal world or whatever who cares he’s so handsome. We enter the portion of night one where Nick starts to have some one-on-one time with his girlfriends. He really connects with lawyer Rachel, Danielle L. and Vanessa. Corinne gets the first kiss of the night, which obviously doesn’t annoy the other women at.all (sarcasm). Wait until they hear she referred to him as Nickelodeon (no!). The women are all gorgeous, are mostly wearing red dresses, and look like they promote sunglasses and meal delivery services on Instagram.

While Nick gets to know, well, everyone, Jasmine G. earns the title of First Crier. She’s emotional over “the environment” of the house. Shark girl Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin and jumps in the pool and then Nick breaks it to her that she is dressed as a shark. “That’s a concern,” Nick deadpans. While chatting with Liz, Nick confesses he totes remembers meeting herat Jade and Tanner’s wedding (that explains the “weird look”, she responds). “I remember being very intrigued by you,” Nick tells her, and adds that he was bummed when she wouldn’t give him her digits, post-coitus. After all, she could’ve just asked Jade for his number if she really wanted to stay in touch. Liz says that after she saw Nick on Bachelor in Paradise her impression of him changed and her “stereotype” of him disappeared. That conversation ends abruptly, and Liz worries that Nick may send her packing. Later, he tells Chris that their conversation wasn’t the best and their connection is on “shakey ground.” I guess it may seem suspect that she didn’t want to stay in touch with him after they hooked up but suddenly he’s The Bachelor and here she is? I actually hope he keeps Liz around because she seems pretty cool and down-to-earth.

The First Impression Rose (FIR – I like acronyms, you’ll adapt) makes its first appearance, and the girl who forced Nick to eat a raw hot dog with him Lady-and-the-Tramp style hopes it doesn’t go to Corinne: “It’s a bold move to kiss someone on the first night.” So is giving someone food poisoning. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. is just so gosh darned sweet but it isn’t enough to land her the FIR which goes to Rachel. Our Bachelor tells Rachel he was immediately taken by her “aura and presence” and she accepts his rose “100%.” They kiss and hold hands a bit and it’s pretty cute.

Once the roses are handed out, Shark-Dolphin is safe. So is the girl who kept telling Nick that all her friends think he’s THE WORST. And Liz is safe too, proving that it is always a good idea to bed down after weddings because that guy may be the Bachelor one day.

Lauren and Angela and Briana and some other red dresses are sent home.

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 4, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

 

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get reacquainted with our Bachelor Ben, shall we?

Ben is a ‘normal guy’ from small town Indiana who now resides in Denver, Colorado. We are treated to a montage of him shooting baskets behind a barn while the sun sets in the background because, America. We see a photo of a young Ben and his Jim Carrey circa Dumb and Dumber haircut. He must’ve really slayed the ladies in elementary school. He takes us on a driving tour of his hometown and high school, and we find out he played all the sports in high school quite handsomely.

Ben is still terrified of being “unlovable,” which sounds like a fear someone with his face and body fat percentage should never have. I mean come on. I didn’t refer to him as my boyfriend when he was on Kaitlyn’s season for no reason. I don’t declare just any dude I have never met my TV boyfriend. That would be insane. No, Ben is yum city (see below) and a total sweetheart. Thanks to the internets for refreshing my memory:  Ben is 26 (though I believe he turned 27 during filming), 6’4 and a software accounts manager. You guys, 6’4 is my favourite height! And totally makes up for his love of fishing. But I digress. Some additional “research” (i.e. creeping his instagram) does nothing to dissuade his crush-worthy status.”I think my friends and family want me to be happy,” Ben announces. Um, yeah I would hope so. They’re your family, not monsters Ben. Ben is ready to date 25(ish) women, fall in love and meet the future Mrs. Higgins (cut to me waving at the TV).

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My boyfriend Ben H. on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette

Ben is in LA, wandering the grounds of the mansion and bro-ing down with former Bachelors Chris Soules, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnick. They basically tell him not to make out with any of the women in front of another woman. I love how in Bachelor land this is, like, a lesson. They also advise Ben that sending women home is THE WORST you guys. Then they all hug it out.

Oh hi host Chris Harrison! Chris reminds us that how Ben won over vaginas across North America when he announced to Kaitlyn that he felt unlovable and so they made him The Bachelor to prove him wrong. Um, to anyone listening I fee like I just can’t be an eccentric millionaire with a never ending supply of brie so FIX ME! Anyone?? No? Fine.

We get to know a few of the ladies who will be vying for Ben’s heart this season. There’s the token weirdo and cutesy pageant-types. There’s also twins (kicky!), a 25-year old single mom of two (divorced, so she probs got married in middle school?), and  a “chicken enthusiast” (that’s it, I am getting “brie enthusiast” added to my business cards) with separation anxiety.

Moving on to the limo arrivals. Ben and his mega-watt smile is suited up and after a hug from Chris Harrison he’s ready to meet his harem.

Flight attendant Lauren is the first out of the limo and makes a strong initial impression (I’ve already picked her as one of my front runners). Caila literally jumps into his arms. There’s a Jennifer! A woman named Lace (why?) plants the first (albeit chaste) kiss on our Bachelor. There’s an awkward winker in there and then one lady comes out in a unicorn head. Also we meet a redhead (nickname Red Velvet) with amazing fuchsia l‎ipstick and kooky Mandi who wears a massive hat shaped like a rose and asks Ben to “pollinate it later.” Ben cheekily suggests a group hug with the twins‎ who are less creepy than I had presumed. Because apparently every iteration of The Bachelor needs a cowgirl, this season’s resident boot-wearer comes with a mini horse. There’s a nutritional therapist who calls gluten the devil and has the voice of a talk show host, and another lady arrives in a onesie. Unemployed Rachel comes in on a segway. Speaking of, shouldn’t everyone’s occupation be listed as unemployed? I mean, really. Because I imagine most had to take a loooooong leave from work and should they end up being the last woman standing or even just popular enough to land the standard post-Bachelor/Bachelorette gig of shilling teeth whitening systems on instagram, are they really going back to work any time soon?

As the last of the woman arrive it seems like they are all named Lauren but I checked and there are only 4. There’s also a Tiara which is my least favourite name but seemingly one of Ben’s most favourite ladies.

Ben calls his parents to gush that he has a mighty fine flock of females to choose from and heads inside to get to know them better. My early favourite Lauren #1 hands him a drink straight off the bat (girl, love you), but Ben is quickly pulled away by dentist Mandi (who finally removes her rose hat) who proceeds to perform a‎n actual dental exam on Ben. He passes, but could floss more.

Next Ben chats with news anchor Olivia who obviously caught his eye during limo exits. They talk about their passion for travel and the outdoors and Ben likes how “put-together” she seems. Caila and Ben bond over their “sexy” software sales jobs and the twins try and convince him that this “isn’t weird.”

Lo and behold another limo has arrived and who should exit out of it but Becca and Amber from Chris Soules’ season. There’s a strong possibility that Amber is arriving straight from the set of Bachelor in Paradise! I am actually surprised to see Becca because after pretty much rejecting Chris in his finale (we all know he wanted to pick her but the also lovely Whitney was the ‘safer bet’ right?) I pegged her as someone who was not into the whole reality show love thing. She always seemed uncomfortable with it. Becca’s arrival definitely ruffles some feathers because she’s stunning.

Lace is getting faced and someone keeps handing her wine. She spies on Ben and Becca and has spent most of the night nitpicking the other women. She gets some alone time with Ben and pushes hard for a kiss and Ben is visibly uncomfortable and he is saved (?) by Mandi‎. I’m going to go with saved. Saved by crazy. From crazy. Lace is off on a rampage but Ben circles back to her shortly and attempts to explain why he wasn’t into touching faces immediately. He emphasizes that he wants to take time to get to know each woman before focusing on the more physical aspects of their relationships. They hug it out. Lace promptly re-enters (stumbles into) the house and brags about how Ben went looking for her so they could chat more.

Chris Harrison then performs the reality show version of a mic drop by placing a single rose on a tray into the lions den (errr… living room) and just.walking.away. First impression rose, I presume?

Lauren #1 is on her game and Ben seems smitten. They have great chemistry and she has that whole first Lauren out of the limo thing working for her. It’s not enough to get her the first impression rose though. That goes to news anchor Olivia who “stood out” to Ben.

Speaking of standing out, Lace is. For all the wrong reasons. No doubt that by this point they probs assigned like 3 camera operators to just follow her around so they can catch her saying that other women have small boobs or are bitches.

It’s rose ceremony time (wow that flew by!) and ‎the theme is awkward laughter, apparently. The first rose goes to Lauren #1 (Lauren B., as Ben clarifies) and Amber gets a rose too. Jennifer is safe and Jubilee too. Samantha makes it to week two along with the twins and Becca (Lace reminds us that Becca is a virgin). Mandi scores a rose (!) and we’re down to the final rose. Somehow Lace gets the final rose (over Tiara? I thought he liked Tiara! Is it because her name is Tiara? It’s not her fault!). Sadly the cutie redhead Laura is sent home (that lipstick!) along with the gluten-hating Breanne.

Before Ben can even give the customary post-rose ceremony speech Lace pulls him away (literally – the camera scrambles to keep up she moves so fast) and complains that he wouldn’t look at her during the rose ceremony and a bunch of other stuff that makes Ben, in his private interview at least, question giving her the rose. You could’ve kept Red Velvet! Ugh. Lace strikes me as a hangover denier. I bet she shows up at breakfast tomorrow all “Ben’s my boyfriend and I was awesome last night.”

Our post-credit shot this week is host Chris Harrison talking to the mini horse who acts like there isn’t a platter of delicious taquitos in front of him. ‎God I love taquitos. I may have a …problem. So much that when I go to Costco I have to instruct my friends to make sure I don’t buy a box no matter how much I try to convince them that the price per taquito is #onfleek.

I’m just now accepting that I won’t see two-time final rose rejectee Nick Viall this season. I’ve gotten so used to his face.‎ Thanks god for his love of posting shirtless selfies to instagram (and his love of sit-ups, evidently).

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did Ben make the right choice keeping Lace? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!