Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).


Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source:

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.


Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 


Recap: The Bachelor – Week Two

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.

Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a group date. The women arrive in a parade of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets dressed up as brides, bridesmaids, and something – in Brittany’s case – that involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.

Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.


Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.


Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne returns to the women after her first interrupting and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.

Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang – we found out in week one that they hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the adorable Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”

In a hot tub.

On a yacht.

Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle opens up to Nick about her fiancé dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”) arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.

The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch. A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz and seems a bit nervous. Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).

After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in four boring ways, one painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff. Aside from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they hooked up. Ruh roh.

As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen (it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue – he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.

Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!

And that’s where we leave things.

So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.

Back  next week.

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 8, 2016).


Bachelor Ben Higgins. Source:

Howdy rose lovers. We pick up right where last week’s cliffhanger left us – Ben pulling Olivia away to chat while the other women speculate that maybe Olivia will have her rose revoked.

Olivia spins the whole tension with the other women thing to Ben as having a target on her back since receiving the first impression rose. “I’m just…different. I‎ like reading books in my room.” hahaha. “I sometimes come off as intimidating,” Olivia adds. She responds super calmly  to all of Ben’s questions (I almost threw my phone at the TV when she said “I like to talk smart things”) and they return to the group. “You are all different and every week this gets tougher and more confusing,” Ben announces, before heading into the rose ceremony. Emily can barely contain her rage at Olivia not being sent home. I wish I was half as confident about anything as Olivia is about her connection with Ben. Olivia is still teary but doesn’t want to talk about it with the other women, who feign concern over her emotional state. Where Olivia does want to talk about it is in her private on camera interview where she’s all ‘ha ha you all thought I was going home but nope’ and adds a “come at me, bro” for good measure. Oh man, I kind of like it. What if Olivia is the normal one and everyone else is crazy? No? No. Oh god, forget I said that. But I have trouble hating on anyone within an hour of a yoga class. Don’t worry, it should wear off in about 20 minutes.

After the rose ceremony, Emily gets the last rose and Jennifer is sent home. God I wish Chris Harrison came out right now and was all “Jennifer, I’m sorry…we all…sorta…forgot you were here. We also forgot about Leah but she blends in with the blondes so…bye? Thanks for quitting your job and coming out here.” Somehow Leah is still around and will hopefully get some screen time this week.‎ I predict that time will involve crying.

Ben and his harem raise their glasses of champagne‎ in a toast to the news that they are off to the Bahamas.

“The water is sooo blue and the sand is soooo white” mumbles Becca. At this point when all the women gather in a small space it’s mostly a sea of indistinguishable blonde hair. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces that one of the dates this week will be the dreaded two-on-one. The solo date is a repeat for Caila (who was the first to go on a one-on-one date with our Bachelor) and we finally hear from Leah who is right pissed about not having any time with Ben and throws in a “why am I heeeeeeere?” moan. Leah can barely look at Ben when he comes to pick Caila up, and casts some hard side-eye his way.

They head out to do some deep sea fishing (not a euphemism). Ben says that he needs alone time with Caila since their first date also included Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (the best!), but he realizes that there are others who haven’t had a one-on-one (so Leah and Olivia).

Back at the hotel, Leah is crying and terrified that she will end up on the two-on-one. ‎”We could have met at a bar but the universe brought us together in this process,” says Leah, who lives in the same town as Ben I think? Also, it wasn’t the universe. It was a casting agent.

“Caila is funny and beautiful and sexy and smart,” Ben gushes, but he wants to dig a little deeper. Caila and her amazing hair want to “be more vulnerable” with Ben and then she tells Ben that she loves him (what?) but then it gets confusing.  And all the oxygen seems to leave his body. “I think my greatest fear is that I can’t totally, completely love somebody…it feels like I’m going to hurt you,” she says. Huh?

The group date card arrives and by process of elimination (and because, duh) Olivia and Emily will be on the two-on-one date but Leah gets to go on the group date. Olivia calls Emily a bird and also says something about her being young which is ridic because their age difference is 1 year except no it’s not because Olivia is obviously lying about her age by like 8 years. Oh, good. The yoga niceness just wore off. I’m back!

Back on their date, Ben is trying to decipher Caila’s confusing bombshell of I love you, maybe? “I know that I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood,” Caila explains. This and some other crap about feeling happy (and the fact that Ben finds confusion attractive) are enough to secure her the date rose.

It’s group date day and the women arrive in jean shorts and bikini tops. Ben is hoping for a light, fun day. A ginormous handsome pig who I have named Humphrey is swimming nearby and is soon joined by more pigs. Ben announces they are going to feed the pigs hot dogs and someone is all “we’re going to feed the pig PIG” and Ben laughs and announces that the hot dogs are chicken. Well, ok then? “This is like a bar in Dallas, there are pigs everywhere,” deadpans JoJo (love!). If this whole show was watching people swim with wild pigs and maybe sometimes things go bad, I would watch and recap that show forever.

Some of the women love the pig play. Most of them, however….

Source: Michael Empric on Vine

Meanwhile, Olivia is strolling the beach in a pretty awesome bathing suit while Emily calls her twin sister to whine about having to be on a date with Olivia.

After the pig action calms down, the awkwardness of the group date setting starts to set‎ in. Hard. The vibe totally shifts and basically the women kind of start ignoring Ben. He questions JoJo a bit about the weirdo vibes because he thinks she is one who “gets it,” and he confesses that he feels super self conscious. “How do you date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everyone happy?” Ben asks, lamely. Some creepy dude hiding in a bunker in Nevada with 18 wives‎ is like “I hear you, bro!”

Leah finally breaks down after some inane chit chat with Ben about liking pigs and Ben tells her that she hasn’t really made an effort to get him alone on group dates and begs her to “make the most of today.” They hug it out‎ but Leah still doesn’t get why he is keeping her around. You and the rest of Twitter, honey.


Dream date

On the p.m portion of their group date, Leah is trying to figure out how to “save herself.” Ben acknowledges that the date was uncomfortable and wants to talk through a lot of things with a lot of blondes (and JoJo).

First up is Becca who admits she was “standoffish” and says that some of it was due to Ben’s obvious connection w‎ith Lauren B. But there’s good news! Becca is still, like, a total smitten kitten and they kiss.

The “morbid” date card for Olivia and Emily arrives and Olivia lies that they are the same age but she will feel like Emily’s mom. “Tomorrow will be just fine…at least on my end,” Olivia predicts.

Leah is finally getting some screen time and Ben encourages her to be open and honest.‎ Stupidly, she uses this time to crap on Lauren B. instead of working on their connection. Insert screeching tire sound here. Lauren B.? Lauren B. is a concern? This comes off as pure jealousy. Leah infers that Lauren B. may be a bit two-faced and I can almost hear Twitter explode because she’s a fan favourite! “I’ve been pretty genuine with who I am,” Lauren emphasizes while Ben massages her neck. “I care about you…this gets in my head,” Ben admits. “I feel like I would never use my time with Ben to talk about anyone else,” Lauren B. says in her private interview. EXACTLY! Weak move, Leah. Weak. Clearly all the other women like Lauren B. and when Lauren mildly inquires out loud about who would say such a thing to Ben Leah flat out lies and is all “it wasn’t me.” Sabotage! Oh, so this is why Leah has been invisible up until now. She’s terrible. Ugh. Less of this, more pigs please.

Lauren is still red-faced from crying when Ben rejoins the group and gives the date rose to Amanda.

Later, Lauren B. and Amanda are playing a little game of whodunnit ‎and they immediately land on Leah as the culprit of the Lauren B. lie. Leah has curled her eyelashes so clearly she means business. She sneaks out to go see Ben and hopes that she can make him believe her about Lauren. She’s all about the numbers game. With Lauren gone, her chances just get better. Wow, someone overdid it on the Carnation Instant Bitch this morning! Stop making Olivia seem normal!

Ben welcomes Leah into his suite and pours some wine and she is here to make sure he “doesn’t end up with Lauren B.” “I don’t want to sit here and talk bad about Lauren,” she claims…and adds that there are situations where Lauren comes off as not caring. Basically the worst thing Leah can come up with is that Lauren is “catty.” “I think you’ll be able to figure it out,” she says, playing to Ben perfectly in her mind.

Doesn’t work.

“I don’t know what’s missing, but it is,” he tells Leah, adding that he felt something on night one but after that the spark died and he adds that he ept her around because of that initial connection. “I think it’s best for us to say goodbye,” he drops. ‎While he knows he made the right choice sending Leah away in the Sad Gal Limo™, Ben can’t shake some of the things she said about Lauren B.

The next day…

A storm is a brewin’ and this one involves Olivia and Emily. This is as close to a one-on-one as Olivia has gotten and she’s hard smiling about how amazing it’s all going to be and the “quality time” she’ll have with Ben and how they will get to continue “writing their love story.” Emily is just worried that Olivia will continue to effectively “manipulate‎” Ben.

The sea is angry and Ben is hoping to figure out stuff about this “new Emily” sans her twin Haley and explore his recent “reconnecting” with Olivia while some negative comments from the other women about her continue to roll around in his brain. “Ben and I’s‎ love is all consuming,” says a delusional (and grammatically incorrect) Olivia, and they head off alone to chat. She spends a lot of time telling Ben she is “confident” and “in tune with her body” (why?) and that “deep intellectual things are just my jam.” This nonsense transitions into her telling Ben she’s in love with him and it’s a lot of crazy eyes and Ben thanks her for her time and now it’s Emily’s turn.

“I want this to be the turning point on our journey,” Emily tells him, adding that she basically wants to be around Ben all the time. It’s a cute speech and Ben tells her he’s seen another side of her and that it’s been exciting and he plays with her hair and that’s pretty sweet but that kinda trails off abruptly. Claps to her for not spending this time crap talking Olivia to him. There are two women and only one rose and it’s about to get super awk. Ben picks up the rose and asks to speak to Olivia privately. So Emily is thinking ‘nooooooooooooooo’ but I’m thinking ‘don’t give up yet!’

“So today you were able to speak from your heart…” Ben starts with Olivia. And ends with “I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings.”


Olivia is stunned. Emily is shocked/ecstatic.

Time to take those cankles home and, in the spirit of Lace, go work on yourself. What a spectacular fall from grace Olivia has had.

Back at the hotel, a producer arrives to grab her suitcase and‎ of course everyone sees it’s Olivia’s.

“He let go of a really good person today,” cries Olivia. Nope, he didn’t. But the night is young. She is left alone crying on some island.

The next day, Ben is all contemplate-y and confused so he sends Chris Harrison to tell the women that there will be no pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and instead they will head straight into a rose ceremony. JoJo is particularly effected which is odd since she’s obviously a frontrunner. The first rose goes to Becca. Next is JoJo (finally figured it out – she looks like Isla Fisher!)‎ and the last rose goes, predictably, to Lauren B.

Teacher Lauren H. is left rose-less and Ben walks her out with a simple “sorry.” And then there were six!

A quick note about next week – I’m off to Central America so my recap will be a few days late but I’m hoping to have it up by Thursday night. Thanks for reading!


Recap: The Bachelor – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 1, 2016).


Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo Source:

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, which ended in a cliffhanger!

Ben and his harem are in beautiful Mexico City, all butchering Spanish. Ben strolls through the city in a blue polo and gazes at a fountain. Cue the Latin music. Emily is down a twin but excited to explore her relationship with Ben. Olivia is comforted by the presence of a bidet in their suite (she has one at home) and oh yeah she loves Ben and their “love language” and is pretty sure she’s getting the one-on-one date this week. But it’s cute mom Amanda who is on “cloud nine” as the recipient of the date card. “I just need that time with him to see if it’s worth it for me to be here,” says the adorable Amanda. Olivia is all “Her? But she has kids.” Ick.

It’s 4:20 am and Ben ‎sneaks into Amanda’s room to “see these girls in their element.” Element meaning no makeup and morning breath and retainers. I can’t decide if I love or hate that the women have to share beds. Who gets stuck sleeping with Olivia and her alleged dragon breath? “Whose weave is this?” Ben laughs pointing to someone’s fake hair on the bedside table. Amanda looks perfect (she’s probs used to no sleep given being a single mom to two small kids) and is ready to head out on their date in like 15 minutes.

They hop in a limo and make their way to a hot air balloon. Ben and Amanda float over ancient cities and say things like “this is so crazy/amazing” a lot and make out attractively. They cuddle up on a blanket in a field and Ben says he just likes being around her. “I still get nervous to really open up,” Amanda says and they toast with champagne to talking more about their lives. “I don’t want to scare him away,” Amanda worries.

Back at the hotel suite of nerves and jealousy, the women are moaning about how Amanda is on the longest date so far when a group date card arrives. It’s revealed that Lauren H. will be on the next solo date with the Bachelor.

Back on their date, Ben likes that Amanda always has a smile on her face. She’s all lip bitey and confessional and opens up about her first marriage which was full of “red flags.. After her second daughter was born she discovered texts on her husband’s phone and he was texting exes and meeting girls online and despite not wanting to break up her family she knew it was time to end things. “I never wanted to be a single mom,” Amanda admits and adds that she sometimes felt embarrassed that her marriage failed. She speaks extremely thoughtfully and eloquently. Ben is adamant that he doesn’t feel weird that she was married before. “I admire you,” he tells Amanda. “You’re incredible.” These two really bonded and she accepts his date rose. Ben’s voice-over says he can totally see a future with Amanda. I see a hometown date but not necessarily a forever with these two, as his connections with Lauren B. and JoJo (and, to a lesser degree, Caila) seem so much stronger after their one-on-one dates.

It’s group date day and Ben waves hard at his incoming harem. “I hate group dates!” Jubilee declares. Olivia can’t shut her mouth as usual and is “going to do anything” to get the date rose. The women and Ben enter a classroom and it’s time for a Spanish class. What’s Spanish for “what is that hair Becca?” She’s doing a weird mini bun thing. I’ll try and get a screengrab of it. Emily may no longer be “in it to twin it” since her sister was cut last week, but she shines sans Haley and is adorable with Ben.

Next they head to a restaurant for a cooking lesson. I love Mexican food so much that if I were on this date I would probably have forgotten Ben existed for like 18 minutes. Just long enough to eat like 47 tostadas. There’s an awkward moment when they have to pair off for a cooking challenge and Jubilee and Olivia are in a showdown for who gets to partner with Ben. Neither one is budging (Olivia does have those sturdy cankles on her side) and Olivia is all “I claimed you!” and since Olivia gets what Olivia wants that’s how that shakes out.

First the women must grocery shop in Spanish. I would mostly wander around murmuring “cervezas?” because I’m an asshole. “Ben and I are on a high right now!” gushes the delusional Olivia while she shops with Ben. “She literally makes me want to throw up and her breath is horrible” moans Emily while Ben suggests to Olivia that they find some mint (ha).

The date card arrives back at the hotel for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together” it reads. Already bored.

Back on the group date everyone is chopping and mincing and other cooking words. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatular,” Ben deadpans, handsomely. “I want to be his partner in life and his partner in cooking,” Olivia‎ states. Ben observes that Lauren B. and Jubilee are a little quiet and less enthusiastic than the other women, particularly Jubilee. Apparently a woman knows she’s ready to get married when her cooking game is up to par. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco, etc. She goes on about that for too long. The chefs comment that Olivia and Ben’s dish looks like dog food while Jubilee and Lauren’s dish gets top marks for being restaurant quality.

On the evening portion of their date, Olivia is once again the first to grab Ben for alone time and she is excited to “reconnect.” ‎Jubilee starts to unravel watching him walk away to spend time with the other women. Jennifer emphasizes she’s a commitment girl and Lauren B. gushes that their date from two weeks ago was beyond great and Ben says he never wanted it to end. These two!

Jubilee is in the crossed arms/angry eyebrows ‎phase of jealousy at this point in the evening and while Ben and Lauren B. make out on the street she tries to send someone named Leah who I keep forgetting exists out to interrupt them. When Jubilee finally gets her time she refuses to hold Ben’s hand and then complains about being on group dates and is worried he doesn’t remember her because he has been on “like 1000 dates” since theirs. Ben tells Jubilee he has felt her pulling away from him and that he’s not as confident in their connection anymore. He confronts her about the not hand holding thing and she says a part of that is having the other women around. “I just want it to be me and you…I don’t want you to give up on me.”

It has not gone unnoticed by the other women that Jubilee wouldn’t take Ben’s hand and Jubilee, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t mean to pull back. “Do you still feel at this point in time that there could be something between us?” Ben asks. Jubilee counters that she needs him to tell her‎ the same and Ben tells her he doesn’t feel a strong enough connection. “I think it’s best that tonight we say goodbye,” Ben says. He walks Jubilee out, and they hug goodbye. “I would have loved him unconditionally” she cries in her private interview. Ben takes a moment to gather himself while invisible Leah worries about heading into a rose ceremony without having had time to chat with him and everyone is probably thinking ‘who are you again?’. Ben struggles to explain sending Jubilee home and JoJo is the one to comfort him after and tell him how he handles himself with “class and grace.” “I’m done with breaking up with people after this,” Ben jokes and then because it’s the Bachelor they make out. “It’s all worth it!” he claims.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose, saying they “reconnected” after she had “struggled” a little‎ and for once everyone’s mouth but Olivia’s is wiiiiiide open.

The next day Ben and Lauren H. head out on their “game changer” (as per Lauren) date. The theme is fashion‎ and the two try on an array of outfits and Ben likes the kindergarten teacher’s “goofiness.” They learn they will be attending a show at Mexico City Fashion Week.

Meanwhile, in Olivia Land: “I’m not threatened by anyone who goes on a date with Ben…I’m back!” she declares, causing a flurry of hate tweets. Emily is sick of Olivia’s negative energy and is gearing up for a throwdown.

Lauren H. and Ben learn they will be walking the runway, and are given some catwalk training. Lauren bonds with the real models pre-show and Ben calms her nerves. She kills it on the runway, and Ben looks crazy handsome. They embrace backstage and Lauren insists this is the best day of her entire life. Clearly she’s never eaten two funnel cakes in one day.


Lauren H. and Ben walk the runway at Mexico City Fashion Week. Photo source:

“It’s been a slow burn with Lauren H.,” Ben says, heading into dinner. He wants to see if their connection can be more than just friends, and Lauren H. is worried about being put in the “friend zone.” She opens up to Ben about her last relationship which ended suddenly after four years and she learned later that he had been cheating on her. She has bounced back and is ready to “open up and let someone in” (way to insinuate “bone zone” over “friend zone” girl) and Ben is all over her speech. He calls her confident and cute and says “today was a really exciting day for me.” Meh, watching it was kind of boring for me but hey she’s sweet and nice and very well-spoken and for that, “slow burn” Lauren H. gets the date rose. Also, her go-to swear is “holy shoot” so she’ll be a fan fav soon enough.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben promises JoJo he will never blindside her and they do a dorky high five and I can see her and Lauren B. as final two for sure. Speaking of Lauren B., she tells Ben she can see a life with him. “Like, a life life,” she insists.

Nearby, Amanda is talking about custody arrangements with her ex and how he apparently picks up their daughters on Friday and ships them back on Saturday, prompting Olivia to comment that the conversation reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Everyone is offended, especially Emily for some reason.‎ Olivia, sensing the onslaught of shit about to come her way, gets emotional and claims she is going to “try harder” with the women. Emily goes to Ben and cries and tells him Olivia is fake and disrespectful and Ben is really starting to think he’s not seeing the real Olivia. Well, I’m sure given her cavernous mouth you could easily see inside the real Olivia. Close enough?

While Olivia works on buttering Ben up, Emily calls Haley and cries about mean bad Olivia. Ben tries to suss things out from Olivia who claims that everything is good in the house. “I’m just going to have to go with my gut,” he says, which apparently means pumping Amanda for more dirt on Olivia. He’s on the hunt for “red flags.” Both Amanda and Jennifer confirm the Olivia issues and there’s still no screen time for Leah. Before jumping into the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia‎ and people are hoping Olivia will be the first woman to have her rose taken away.  Which probs means that won’t happen. But we won’t find out tonight because this episode is — cue dramatic music — to be continued!

It looks like next week everyone cries and Ben stands on the edge of a cliff in a suit, maybe after sending Olivia and her cankles home and maybe not. In the outtakes from the episode, Lauren B. teaches Emily how to do a tequila shot. ‎I notice that Emily and I own the same t-shirt. Twinning!

I’ll be back next week. Thanks for reading!


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Four Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 27, 2014).

This is the last post where I can say: “Welcome back to Juan-uary!” I think we’re all a bit relieved about that.

First things first: Juan’s daughter Camila has a wedgie. With that out of the way, El Bachelor and his harem are heading to Seoul, South Korea. This announcement sends the 13 remaining women into a hysterical fit of bouncing and screaming. Pull it together quick ladies – you only have 60 minutes to pack. It sometimes takes me longer to pick a sandwich* at lunch.

Seoul looks kind of amazing! I want to go to there. The ladies walk the streets (not in that way, though I imagine a few are familiar with the concept) arm-in-arm and take in the sights. Upon returning to their hotel, it gets verrrry quiet when the women notice the date card waiting for them. It’s a group date card, and it’s for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki. Nikki is super bummed to be stuck on a group date, but cheer up girl because it’s K-Pop time!

The women arrive at a studio in the heart of Seoul and learn that they will be dancing with one of the biggest K-Pop bands in the world apparently, 2NE1. Juan Pablo loves! to! dance! So he’s super amped. The ladies and JP get put through some choreography, with Kat deciding that she’s the choreographer, thus earning scathing looks from Nikki. 2NE1 invites the ladies to join them on stage at a gig later that night, and Nikki is hoping that they are “performing for the South Korean School for the Blind.”

The ladies arrive at a packed 4-story mall and are invited on stage and seem to immediately forget every piece of choreography they learned. Within moments, their dance routine is completely abandoned and instead the ladies are doing more of a group bounce, with the exception of Kat who finds her way to centre stage to dance up a storm and also lip synch. To Korean pop. Yup. The other women practically yell “SPOTLIGHT STEALER” into her mouth. Nikki thinks Kat should just stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer. Me-ow. Oh speaking of cats, in her solo interviews I’m fairly certain Chelsie is wearing a cat ear headband thing.

[Side note: does Nikki totally look like that girl who played the babysitter on Growing Pains? Just me?]





Later that evening. JP and his dates unwind over cocktails, and Kat quickly pulls him aside for some serious talk. She wants him to know she’s not just an amazing dancer, she’s, like, a person too. Kat confesses that her dad was a major alcoholic and her parents split when she was six but it’s cool because her mom is amazeballs.

Meanwhile, Nikki is doing her best to shove her foot in her mouth. She’s calling Kat out for being two-faced and fake and over-the-top. Cassandra has the sads because cattiness makes her uncomfortable (“Well Cassandra, if you hate cattiness you certainly auditioned for the right show” – says no one).

Elise and Juan Pablo get to chatting and she wants him to know that not all the woman are great potential step-mom candidates. Thanks captain obvious. JP confirms he’s keeping his eyes “very open.” Despite being kind of miserable all day, Nikki really turns on the sweetness and charm when her solo time comes around, and she emphasizes how badly she wants to open up with him and doesn’t want to fade into the background just because she’s surrounded by more attention-seeking personalities. Nikki pulls out all the stops: I love kids, I’m the best diaper changer ever, etc. Translation: PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. And it works, because Nikki gets the group date rose and Kat looks like she’s going to shit herself.

Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and Sharleen will be heading out on the next one-on-one.

The next day, Juan Pablo is shown showering before his big date with his “favourite one” Sharleen. I strongly suspect she’s his favourite because she’s an actual challenge for him. He’s waxed poetic about Sharleen’s ‘class’, so I’m curious to see how the date will go. They stroll hand-in-hand through a Seoul market that JP feels is like walking through a “mice”. Maze. He means maze. Gosh that’s a cute accent. They sample food and drink and get stared at a lot.

At the hotel, Chelsie is spilling secrets (and nail polish). Apparently Sharleen has commented that her conversations with JP have been “boring” and they have nothing really to talk about. Wait, what? What’s wrong with this girl? She so all over the place. One minute she’s practically forcing JP to make out with her in front of the other ladies and the next she’s claiming she’s not that into him? Either Sharleen’s completely bipolar or she’s playing a really confusing long con.

“Cheeky” Juan Pablo wants to hear Sharleen sing (she is an opera singer after all) and she’s all flirty eyes and telling JP that he’s “not bland.” Sharleen seems thrilled that Juan Pablo is more fun than she expected. After the sun sets, the duo are in a courtyard type of thing and JP puts her on the spot to sing opera. She kills it, and then they make out and it’s pretty hot. Sharleen confirms to the world that he’s a great kisser.

They sit down for dinner and talk about family and culture, and JP feels strongly that they have a lot in common. Then the big question from him: how many kids does Sharleen want? He wants two or three more. Cut to the hotel, and the ladies are discussing Sharleen’s lack of maternal instinct and playfulness. Back on the date, Sharleen and JP dance around the kid question for a bit until he asks her again point blank how many kids she wants. “I’m not one of those girls that…like…kids for me is something that I never even thought about. I’ve been so career-focused that I sort of feel like…my relationships up to now have come as a second propriety.”

Sharleen admits she dated someone with a kid before and she “wasn’t prepared” for it. She couldn’t get over that she was never going to be the mother of his first child. Gasp! This could be the end of Sharleen. But since week one JP has been super into her and loves her honesty, and that hasn’t changed with this startling admission. Sharleen gets the date rose.

The next day, Juan Pablo meets up with Renee, Andi, Alli, Kelly, Clare and Lauren for a “krazy” group date. Their first stop is a karaoke bar (fun!). There’s tambourines and group dancing and indecipherable song lyrics. After karaoke they cool off at a lemonade stand, then venture out in paddle boats and then they end up in one of those fish pedicure places where the fish eat your dead skin. Apparently Renee has super delicious feet because they go to TOWN on her tootsies. I’ve always wanted to try that! Clare starts acting a bit territorial and it doesn’t go unnoticed by the other gals, especially Andi.

Back on the streets of Seoul, it’s time to eat octopus. But Clare no likey and makes a big show of it. Only after the whole group CHANT HER NAME does she choke it down. Kelly’s comment of “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that” makes my life. I only wish she’d sad it at the time, and not later in her private interview. It’s the most I’ve ever liked Kelly.

Over drinks later that night, the focus is on kissing! JP pulls Renee away first and she is really gunning for a smooch. They have the whole single parent thing in common, but perhaps Renee could talk less about their kids when she’s trying to get made out with? JP has decided he’s already kissed six girls and that it’s time to take a step back. Sorry Renee.

Assistant District Attorney Andi (one of my early faves) teases Juan Pablo about his dancing skills and they clearly have the same weird sense of humour. El Bachelor really wants to kiss her but he’s pumped the brakes on all kissing tonight and isn’t about to change his mind now. Instead they hold hands.

Lauren (there’s a Lauren?) tries to plant one on JP during their alone time but it’s a no go. Instead, they do an awkward hug-dance thing and she’s kinda hurt and pissed because she knows he’s kissed some of the other women. Soon after, the ladies notice that the camera person is scurrying over to catch Lauren crying to Juan Pablo, who is trying to comfort her because he won’t kiss her. They hug it out.

On to the next drama – it’s everyone hate on Clare time. Kelly and Andi are imitating Clare’s octopus revulsion with hilarious accents. Speaking of Clare, she’s whisked JP away for some alone time and admits that she threw up in her mouth after eating the teeny tiny piece of octopus. The issue of kissing comes up (the theme of the evening, apparently). JP’s resolve melts because he’s “helpless” around Clare and they smooch for a bit, but ultimately the group date rose goes to Andi (yay).

Heading into the pre-rose ceremony cocktail, Juan Pablo suspects the night might be tense, because the woman are starting to be “a little uncomfortable with each other.” The women decide on a sort of ‘agreement’ whereby the ones who already have roses won’t attempt to monopolize JP’s time, so as to allow the woman without roses to make their plea…err….spend some much needed time with El Bachelor. But Nikki promptly blows that to shit and interrupts JP and Clare’s time together. “There comes a point where you do have to be a little selfish,” Nikki justifies. Peace out, Clare.

Nikki engages Juan Pablo in a conversation about eye contact and shyness and how when a woman likes a man she avoids eye contact. That’s just science, y’all. JP hints at some drama in the house and you can see Nikki immediately get her back up. She suspects that Clare may have been shit talking her just prior to Nikki interrupting them (she wasn’t). Yeah, Nikki, remember when you interrupted them and you already have a rose?

Kelly finds herself sitting between Clare and Nikki. Awkward! Clare comments to Nikki that “you’re one way with the girls and one way with him.” Nikki counters that Clare isn’t the one handing out the roses. Well played.

Time for the rose ceremony! JP realizes that whomever he sends home will have a long long LONG flight back. I hope for their sake that they get to partake in free booze! The roses go to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli(son), Clare, and Kat.

Elise and Lauren are heading home on Just Dumped Airways (not a real airline, but it should be). No surprises tonight. Neither girl seemed to make a huge impact on Juan. Lauren feels dumb for trying so hard to kiss JP. Elise cries and says that it was hard being around so many people who are ugly (on the inside).

Until next week, when JP and his harem head to Vietnam. Will tensions continue between Clare and Nikki? Will Danielle finally get some camera time? What is Allison? Will Juan Pablo continue his (select) moratorium on kissing?

*2 sandwiches


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Three Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 20, 2014).

Welcome back to Juan-uary and welcome back Chris Harrison! I missed him last week. But he’s wearing a weird two-tone blue shirt that looks straight out of the Sean John catalogue (remember P Diddy has a clothing line? Me either).

The first solo date card goes to cutie single mom Cassandra who shows up wearing an amazing orangey-red onesie that I wantwantwant. Last week, JP promised not to string her along if he wasn’t feeling a connection, so as not to keep her away from her young son. So obvi, this date is do or die time for Cas. The adorable pair jump into a jeep that morphs into a boat. Witchcraft!

Back at the Estrogen Palace, everyone’s best friend Renee is chatting with an emotional Elise whose recently deceased mother encouraged her to come on The Bachelor.

Meanwhile on their date, Juan Pablo and a nervous Cassandra board a yacht and immediately jump off it to pal around in the water while the sun sets. Later that evening the pair are at JP’s house (his daughter is with the grandparents), where they cook dinner and JP gives her a dance lesson (not a euphemism). Cassandra hasn’t had a date in 3 YEARS you guys. Oh yeah I forgot she was 21. So I guess her last date was at the prom. And then she had her son at 19. They cuddle up to show each other photos of their kids, and after a slightly long-winded speech about single-parenthood, JP gives Cassandra the date rose and then they kiss for awhile. First major kiss of the season! JP is a smitten kitten!

On a related note, I could listen to Juan Pablo try to say “malted milk ball” for the rest of my life.

Next up is a soccer-themed group date with Sharleen, Kelly, Christy, Danielle, Renee, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Lucy, and Nikki. The ladies arrive to see JP sweating it up with the LA Galaxy players, and his sweaty musk sends them into a tizzy. Juan puts the girls through some drills (again, not a euphemism) and then they divide into teams. On the red team, nurse Nikki has little patience for weakest link Kelly but they have secret weapon Alli who has been playing since childhood. On the blue team, Sharleen uses her face to block the ball and thinks JP is super hot. After a red win, he invites both teams to join him for some post-game cocktails overlooking the fields so that no one has to have the ‘we lost and so are sent home’ sads.

“Reserved” Nikki joins JP and confesses she was worried about “getting hurt” coming onto the Bachelor, and that she isn’t a fan of the mostly “short conversations” they have. Take a number, Nikki. Juan Pablo assures Nikki that he’s into her, and they hug it out.

Sneaking off to a deserted kitchen together, the chemistry between JP and our Assistant District Attorney we’ve seen since week one is on overdrive, and a high pony-tailed Andi confesses that shit got real for her on the soccer date. They seal their chat with a smooch. She may have lost at soccer but Andi certainly feels “like a winner now.”

Meanwhile, Elise and Chelsie are eagerly awaiting a date card, which ultimately goes to Chelsie, much to Elise’s surprise.

Back on the group date, Sharleen is certainly warming to our “smooth” Bachelor after a rocky start. JP likes her “class” and they agree their connection is very “organic”. Juan Pablo moves in for a kiss that turns into a steamy makeout witnessed by the other ladies. Andi is bummed. She thought she had an “in” for the rose after their kitchen connection, but her faith is shaken when she spots JP making out with Sharleen. Turns out one doesn’t have to lock lips with this Bachelor to secure a date rose: it goes to Nikki.

The next day, Chelsie ventures out with Juan Pablo for their one-on-one date. In the car, they groove to some Venezuelan music. Later they stroll hand-in-hand to a Venezuelan café for lunch. After chowing down on various delicacies, JP leads her to a tandem ankle bungee jump site off a bridge (of course).

[Sidenote: There should be a rule about bungee jumping after eating. But if it were me I’d be cool because I’m really good at upside down vomiting. Fact.].

A ‘high dive on crack,” according to ‘Science Educator’ Chelsie. She inevitably panics (she “hates edges” after all) and tears up, but is soothed by JP’s comforting whispers and also maybe a scooch bullied by his request of “just do it for me”. He does tell her it’s ok to bail and they back up from the platform, but she changes her mind (perhaps because he makes her feel like his “#1 priority) and they go for it. I am ever-so-grateful that Chelsie doesn’t launch into a “jumping as a metaphor for falling in love” speech…..ah fuck it there it is. Spoke to soon. Clever producers, waiting until AFTER the jump. I appreciate their upside-down makeout session though.

Following their jump for love, they reconnect for a romantic dinner inside Pasadena City Hall. I didn’t expect JP and Chelsie to have this strong of a romantic connection. JP admits his biggest fear is not being a good example to his daughter Camila and thinks Chelsie is wife material for sure.

Back at the house, Elise is bitching to Kat about Chelsie, saying she’s too young to be a “candidate”. She’s 24. Elise is 27. Kat gives her a ‘bitch, please’ nod.

Chelsie is hoping for the date rose and after complimenting JP’s upside-down kissing prowess, she is rewarded (the cherry on the sundae of apparently the “best day” of her life). Oh honey.

But the date’s not over yet, because some other country singer [Billy Currington(?) according to Chelsie] has arrived to serenade them. I truly never knew there were this many singers of this particular genre until I started watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Bright and early (apparently) the next morning, Juan Pablo sneaks into the Estrogen Palace to make a Venezuelan breakfast and surprise the ladies. He seems very keen to see them without makeup on. Very keen. Perhaps to suss out the au naturel beauties from the natural uggos.

Kelly is the first to venture downstairs so that she can take her dog Molly for a walk. She’s mortified that JP is seeing her without her “face on”. She ventures back upstairs to warn the other ladies that a penis is in their midst so mascara up ladies! Renee (either not warned or not caring) joins JP in the kitchen, morning breath and all. Then Danielle (who I completely had forgotten about!) and Clare (who looks great in PJs, according to Juan Pablo) appear. Soon, the kitchen is full of ladies mowing down on a Venezuelan breakfast.

JP assumes the role of Chris Harrison and announces that they will be cancelling that evening’s pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and will have a pool party instead. JP’s harem oils up to lounge by the pool. Juan Pablo arrives, flings off his shirt like it’s HIS JOB, and dives into the pool. “This is a great day to be The Bachelor,” says Captain Obvious.

Kat perches atop JP’s shoulders in the pool, eliciting jealous stares. Kelly feels that Kat is “trying too hard” and calls Kat a whore (oooh….claws are coming out). But Kat doesn’t give a shit what the other ladies think because she gets a massage from JP out of it. Sharleen isn’t feeling uber confident about her chances at the rose ceremony that evening, and is questioning if she’s the right type of girl for him. When they get some time together, she complains about the cameras in her face and starts to cry. Ugh this girl is all over the place. A comforting hug turns into a not-so-private kiss that JP cuts off rather abruptly (likely not wanting to tick off an army of sunbathing ladies nearby), prompting Sharleen to label him a “tease”. Unfortunately, hairstylist Clare can’t take the heat and she retreats to the bathroom to mope, and as per usual Renee is there to cheer her up. Clare is upset that she hasn’t really spent any quality time with JP since going on the first one-on-one a week and a half ago (which is like 6 months in Bachelor time). She eventually sits down with JP and swears she’s not jealous (cough yeah right cough). At the end of it, Clare feels “reassured”.

At the rose ceremony, Danielle gets the last rose; thus, Christy and a surprisingly emotional Lucy are the unlucky in love ladies sent packing. Nothing shocking there. So far the eliminations have been pretty predictable.

I feel like I’m still waiting for this season to get interesting, you know? Until next week.


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Two Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 13, 2014).

Sorry I’m a week late in posting this, but I was in Honduras frolicking on the beach and drinking lemon daiquiris. Forgive me?

We start with hairstylist Clare who is preparing for her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo – the first of the season! JP arrives at the Estrogen Palace to whisk her away in a blindfold. Upon arriving at their destination, Juan carries Clare piggyback-style to a winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles. The music swells and there’s lots of giggling, and Clare – predictably – describes it as a “fairytale”. Groan. Later they do some skating that’s really mostly falling.

Back at the house, “free spirit” Lucy has seemingly forgotten her bikini tops at home or wherever her gypsy ass has been sleeping and is lounging about the pool sans top. When the next Juan-on-Juan (these jokes write themselves, folks!) date card arrives it’s for Kat. At this point, the women are all being super duper supportive and nice to each other. It’s…odd. But refreshing.

Back on their date, the duo are – in typical Bachelor fashion – in a hot tub. Clare is “letting her guard down” by talking about her dad who passed away, and Juan appreciates her ‘high standards” in men. Clare happily accepts JP’s date rose. A chubby version of Jimmy Fallon with a beard and a guitar (I’m not bothering to google his name, sorry) serenades them so they can dance in bathing suits (Clare wears some sort of yeti coat). Bo-ring.

The next day, JP and Kat (in tiny white shorts and knotted chambray shirt) board a PJ (that’s ‘private jet’ for you peasants) and change into douchebag/raver outfits. Their ultimate destination is the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah. Fun! At one point they get to dance on stage and Juan presents Kat with the date rose in front of a day-glo’d crowd.

Meanwhile at the house, a group date card arrives (via dog Molly) for “the lucky 13” – Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Lucy. The ladies find themselves at a photo shoot for charity Models ‘n Mutts, which is exactly what it sounds like. After heading into hair and makeup (to hopefully end up looking cuter than the dogs), first grade teacher Elise isn’t too pleased when she learns her outfit for the photo shoot basically consists of two postcard-sized pieces of cardboard. But Andi wins because her outfit is literally one piece of cardboard. So…naked.

Elise corners Lucy (whose fear of being peed on is likely the reason that Bachelor producers have opted to outfit her in a fire hydrant costume) to play ‘let’s make a deal,’ and they switch costumes. “I was happy to take off my top, as always,” confirms Lucy, who later walks a dog down the street wearing a thong and nothing else. I can feel her parents’ pride from here.

Juan Pablo poses with the “elegant” Cassandra and “stunning” Renee, while Assistant District Attorney Andi is freaking the fuck out (understandably) about her next-to-nothing “costume”. JP calms her down and assures Andi that he will be by her side during the shoot and it will be an “aventura!” Memo to self: when faced with a mortifying situation, describe it using Spanish verbs. All will be fine.

After the photo shoot, JP and his harem head to a rooftop pool. Cassandra quickly pulls him aside for some private talk and confesses she has a two-year-old son named Trey (?) and also that she calls her mom 20 times a day. JP takes it all in stride. “Elegant” single mom Renee is really gunning for a kiss from JP during their solo time, but instead gets pulled into a hug and only manages to get in a quick side lip peck. As JP wanders off to chat with various ladies, Victoria is busy getting a hammered. When confronted with a suggestion to “tone it down”, she slurs that she’s not drunk and she’s just “fun sober.” In her private on-camera interview, Victoria waxes poetic about the meaning of life. In case you were wondering, it’s straddling people. She also prattles on about something called the “hymen maneuver.” I’m laughing so hard that I almost forget about her oddly aggressive eyebrows for a minute.

Nikki and JP have a cute couch pow-wow that’s soon interrupted by hot mess express and Victoria. She quickly disappears and locks herself in a bathroom where she starts in on the crying-and-“I-want-to-go-home’-phase of her self-destruction. Renee tries unsuccessfully to comfort a now shrieking and bleeped out Victoria. Bachelor producer (and internet famous) Elan also takes a stab at placating her, without much success. She staunchly refuses to talk to a concerned Juan Pablo who hunts her down in the bathroom, and eventually she’s sent to dry out somewhere else. The date rose ultimately goes to ‘dog lover’ Kelly. I thought for sure Andi or Nikki would get it.

The next morning, Juan Pablo checks in on Victoria who practically sneers “sorry about last niiiiiiiiiiiiiight?” and quasi-apologizes (?) for “setting off the crazy train.” But she doesn’t think anyone should be mad at her because she just feels things so intensely; that said, Victoria admits to being “mortified” and adds that she could have been more “adult about it”. JP opts to send drunkie home immediately, because that’s the “rightest thing to do”.

Time for the cocktail pre-rose ceremony party! JP announces that he’s sent Victoria home and barely an eyebrow is raised. Reporter Amy attempts to brush up on her interview skills and grills Juan Pablo who says she has a “nice smile,” but the whole thing falls a bit flat. Nice makeup though, Amy. Canadian gal Sharleen seems more enthused this week. Last week she looked mortified to receive the first impression rose, and was not part of the group date this week. Sharleen immediately apologizes to Juan for being “ungracious” when he presented her with the rose. I kind of liked her better when she was being stand-offish and I suspect Juan Pablo was intrigued by the challenge of winning her over. Oh well.

Cassandra is missing her son and is crying and looking at pictures of him. She confides in Renee, who seems to have assumed the role of group counsellor. Renee accompanies her to chat with JP, who greets them with “the two moms!”. He convinces Cassandra to stick it out, and promises not to dick her around. They seal the deal with a fist bump explosion. It’s a cute moment actually. He seems really into her.

When the rose ceremony begins, the first rose, predictably, goes to Cassandra. Ultimately, Amy (no breaking news here!) and Chantel (yawn) are sent packing. I’ve already forgotten about them.

So what did you think of week two. Kind of boring, no? I have high hopes for next week.

Until then.