Recap: The Bachelor – Week Two

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.

Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a group date. The women arrive in a parade of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets dressed up as brides, bridesmaids, and something – in Brittany’s case – that involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.

Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.

SIDEBAR: HIRE ME BACHELOR SHOW I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING DATE IDEAS LIKE EATING A DOZEN DONUTS IN SILENCE WHILE MAINTAINING HARD EYE CONTACT WITH MY DATE AND ALSO GETTING DAY DRUNK AND NAPPING ON ALL THE BEDS AT IKEA.™

Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.

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Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne returns to the women after her first interrupting and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.

Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang – we found out in week one that they hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the adorable Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”

In a hot tub.

On a yacht.

Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle opens up to Nick about her fiancé dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”) arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.

The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch. A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz and seems a bit nervous. Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).

After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in four boring ways, one painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff. Aside from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they hooked up. Ruh roh.

As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen (it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue – he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.

Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!

And that’s where we leave things.

So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.

Back  next week.

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Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 2, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get re-acquainted with our Bachelor Nick, shall we?

 

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

 

So, Nick isn’t new. He’s basically a Bachelor world veteran at this point. His #journey started a few years ago when he made it to the final two of Andi Dorfman’s season and was dumped before he could get down on one knee. Fast forward to the next Bachelorette – Kaitlyn Bristowe. Nick was a bit of a late addition to her season, joining a few weeks in. He had met Kaitlyn at some Bachelor social before she was announced as the next Bachelorette (I imagine it was Vegas-themed for some reason) and decided they had enough of a connection that he needed to pursue her on national television. He made it to the final two once again – this time he did propose (sorta) but was insta-rejected by our Bachelorette. Down but not out, Nick showed up on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. After a brief showmance with single mom Amanda he seemed to have found his match in Jen, but ultimately he didn’t propose (proving that people can change) and was announced as the next Bachelor while that show was still airing. Full disclosh (not a real word, you’ll learn to love it): I’m a huge Nick Viall fan. He’s adorable, funny, smart and is, like, really good dresser. I basically want to live in a pile of his cardigans. He’s 36 and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I bet his neck smells great.

First we’re treated to a bro-down with Nick and former Bachelors Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins. They’re all “we didn’t really like you on Andi’s season but we like you know dude.” Ben tells Nick to just be himself. I have an alternate suggestion: never wear a shirt. What? Nick has a banging body. Sorry not sorry. I hope there are some awesome women in his bunch who can keep up with Nick. He’s pretty bright and the dude wears the fuck out of a 3-piece suit. If I were a contestant, I’d throw my body at his body and hope for the best. Actually, who am I kidding? I’d hyperventilate in the limo and then bail and hit an In-N-Out burger or something.

Amongst this season’s women there is a French Canadian, a salon owner, a nursing student, a boutique owner who goes ‘mudding’, a soft spoken neonatal nurse, and a bridesmaid from Bachelor in Paradise’s success couple Jade and Tanner’s wedding who got drunk with Nick that night and banged him but didn’t give him her number because.. umm…. BECAUSE WHY DUMB DUMB?

It’s time for limo arrivals. They must have thrown a spider into a few of them because these women are actually screaming. Nick and host Chris Harrison share a tender “welcome back” moment. Nick is wearing an amazing polka dot tie and Chris pretends not to notice and instead is all “you were a controversial choice for Bachelor.” Nick is ready to find love and it’s just in the..err..nick of time because the women arrive.

Salon owner Danielle L. is the first out of the limo and Nick looks pleased as punch. Elizabeth – a marketing manager from Texas – is “soooo glad” that Nick is our Bachelor. There’s a possibly insane wedding videographer named Christen who is thrilled that Nick is very tall in person. Mental health counsellor Taylor makes a good first impression until she opens her mouth and blurts out that all of her friends casually refer to Nick as a “piece of shit” (yes, she told him this). There’s a model named Angela who seems quite lovely.  Sassy Sarah is tickled to find food awaiting her in the mansion (spirit animal!) and a spunky gal named Ida Marie does a trust fall with our Bachelor. When our favourite bridesmaid (and doula, cool!) Elizabeth “Liz” shows up she suspects Nick doesn’t remember her (and claims she’s cool with that) but he reveals to Chris Harrison that he thinks he met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Corinne  gets a “she’s cute” from Nick and Frenchie Vanessa wows him as well. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. arrives with homemade syrup and they have a very sweet exchange (see what I did there? It’s ok to groan). Alexis shows up in a shark costume but THINKS SHE IS A DOLPHIN (yes, I’m shouting).

Nick enters the mansion after meeting his 30 ladies and says some stuff about being normal in an abnormal world or whatever who cares he’s so handsome. We enter the portion of night one where Nick starts to have some one-on-one time with his girlfriends. He really connects with lawyer Rachel, Danielle L. and Vanessa. Corinne gets the first kiss of the night, which obviously doesn’t annoy the other women at.all (sarcasm). Wait until they hear she referred to him as Nickelodeon (no!). The women are all gorgeous, are mostly wearing red dresses, and look like they promote sunglasses and meal delivery services on Instagram.

While Nick gets to know, well, everyone, Jasmine G. earns the title of First Crier. She’s emotional over “the environment” of the house. Shark girl Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin and jumps in the pool and then Nick breaks it to her that she is dressed as a shark. “That’s a concern,” Nick deadpans. While chatting with Liz, Nick confesses he totes remembers meeting herat Jade and Tanner’s wedding (that explains the “weird look”, she responds). “I remember being very intrigued by you,” Nick tells her, and adds that he was bummed when she wouldn’t give him her digits, post-coitus. After all, she could’ve just asked Jade for his number if she really wanted to stay in touch. Liz says that after she saw Nick on Bachelor in Paradise her impression of him changed and her “stereotype” of him disappeared. That conversation ends abruptly, and Liz worries that Nick may send her packing. Later, he tells Chris that their conversation wasn’t the best and their connection is on “shakey ground.” I guess it may seem suspect that she didn’t want to stay in touch with him after they hooked up but suddenly he’s The Bachelor and here she is? I actually hope he keeps Liz around because she seems pretty cool and down-to-earth.

The First Impression Rose (FIR – I like acronyms, you’ll adapt) makes its first appearance, and the girl who forced Nick to eat a raw hot dog with him Lady-and-the-Tramp style hopes it doesn’t go to Corinne: “It’s a bold move to kiss someone on the first night.” So is giving someone food poisoning. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. is just so gosh darned sweet but it isn’t enough to land her the FIR which goes to Rachel. Our Bachelor tells Rachel he was immediately taken by her “aura and presence” and she accepts his rose “100%.” They kiss and hold hands a bit and it’s pretty cute.

Once the roses are handed out, Shark-Dolphin is safe. So is the girl who kept telling Nick that all her friends think he’s THE WORST. And Liz is safe too, proving that it is always a good idea to bed down after weddings because that guy may be the Bachelor one day.

Lauren and Angela and Briana and some other red dresses are sent home.

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!

Recap: The Bachelor – Finale

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the finale of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, March 14, 2016). Seriously, STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHO BEN PICKED. We good? Cool.

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The Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Alright Bachelor fans – tonight is the night we find out if Ben proposes to Lauren or JoJo (or no one, but come on) on the “emotional season finale”. So gird your loins and let’s do this! This is a three hour finale so hopefully you got enough wine. If not, it’s totally normal to start panicking right about now,

When we last saw Ben, he had told both Lauren and JoJo that he was in love with them – gasp! Then he went on ‘Women Tell All’ and announced that he was so in love he would marry the woman of his choice ASAP. So, when we go to studio for the live broadcast hosted by Chris Harrison, we learn that the producers have flown in the families of both women and that Ben and his intended will, in fact, get married on the After the Final Rose special. His pastor is literally on stand-by. I CAN’T EVEN.

Cut to Lauren and JoJo (separately, of course) in Jamaica all happy and in love but also starting to wonder if maybe Ben’s been playing a little fast and loose with the “I love you’s.” On his end, Ben swears he is in love with both women. He has no idea what he’s going to do because he can’t imagine saying goodbye to either of them, and they both love him too. For a guy who described himself as feeling “unlovable” he’s certainly found himself in quite the pickle.

It’s time for the last ladies standing to meet the Higgins’. Ben swears up and down that his mind is not made up, so he’s hoping that his parents can provide some clarity: Betty or Veronica. Err…I mean Lauren or JoJo.

First up is Lauren. Ben tells his parents how Lauren had mentioned wanting to meet them during their first date waaaayyyy back in week three, which played more adorable than stage 5 clinger. Lauren’s conversation with Ben’s dad is pretty innocuous. She saves the good stuff for Ben’s mom who looks great in shorts and is more than skeptical about Ben being in love with two women. Lauren asks how she can best be a good partner to Ben during the tough times. Good question, and she gets serious mom points. I don’t really listen to the answer but I’m sure it’s fine because Lauren and mom are holding hands which is in direct conflict with the ‘oh, you two think you’re in love, eh?…how adorable‘ vibe mom has been giving off so far. “I’d marry Ben tomorrow,” Lauren proclaims. There’s the Bachelor spirit! Her and Ben kiss and say goodbye and it’s all kind of boring.

When JoJo meets the parents she’s so nervous she’s shaking, but first impressions are amazeballs. She goes right into the ‘I’m in love with your son’ stuff and Ben talks about how they have had the most ‘amazing moments’ on their dates. JoJo tells Ben’s dad that there will never be a day when Ben doesn’t know how much she loves him (awwww). JoJo and Ben’s mom also hold hands (IS THIS A THING?) and JoJo says she feels “safe” and protected with Ben, which mom likes because Ben says the same about JoJo. Ben confirms that JoJo is a hit with the folks, and, when questioned by JoJo, says that a proposal in the end is definitely a possibility.

Based purely on the meet-the-parents shtick, JoJo comes out the winner but if the internet has anything to say about it, she’s heading for heartbreak. Ben’s dad is all ‘shit Ben, they’re both awesome – you have a tough choice’. Dad describes Lauren as “polished” and JoJo as a “best friend.” Mom says everything about both of them was “so wonderful.” Not the clarity Ben was seeking from his parents. Mom cries worrying about the fact that Ben still doesn’t know who to get engaged to but says whoever he picks is going to be “blessed” (and on the cover of US Weekly).

Back in the studio, the camera pans over Ben’s pastor who is literally reading the Bible. WE GET IT. Is he looking for a passage that will make the bridge less mad after seeing that Ben didn’t know who to propose to until, like, the night before?

For their ‘final date’, Lauren and Ben kiss on a catamaran and talk about feelings and not being able to sleep. He looks at Lauren like he wants to devour her, but Lauren senses his “heavy mind.” Ben tells her it’s been “so perfect since the moment I saw you,” and admits he knew he loved her right away. In his voiceover, he questions his feelings for Lauren and talks about being freaked out because he felt so strongly about her immediately.

Later, Ben visits a nervous Lauren and she wants to know if he has any doubts or any questions. “I’m ready to spend my life with you,” says an emotional Lauren, while Ben continues to look slightly barfy. None of this would be happening if Chris Harrison had been around more this season to bro down with Ben and offer his awesome Harrison advice, I’ve decided. But I digress. Lauren and Ben touch foreheads while the serious Bachelor music plays, and Ben says “no matter what happens, you’ve made me a better person…you’ve made this worth it.” In her private on-camera interview, Lauren looks scared as fuck because she knows Ben could be equally in love with JoJo. “I can’t picture my life without Ben,” she says.

The next day Ben wakes feeling “uneasy” and can still picture “life with both JoJo and Lauren.” He now “has to compare relationships.” “I’m going to pray for clarity,” Ben announces.

He meets up with JoJo for their last date. They kiss like one of them just got out of prison and then hop into a jeep. They’re in the jungle and there’s a waterfall and it’s all very romantic when they Tarzan vine swing into the water and make out like teenagers. “If there’s anything left that I need to say to him, today’s my last chance,” JoJo says. That leads to them chatting about the future and JoJo tells Ben she’s committed to making their relationship work because she has “so much faith in you and I.” “My mind is in a thousand different places,” Ben admits to a visibly freaked JoJo, who we just watched realize that Ben is in love with her and Lauren. JoJo is hoping to hear something that gives her a bit of hope – because Ben admits to being torn between the two women – and says she prays she doesn’t end up “looking like a fool.”

For the evening portion of their date, JoJo is determined to pick up on any info she can that will confirm to her that it will be the two of them in the end. When prompted by JoJo, Ben says he has no fears or concerns about their relationship. “The next time I see you, you could make me the happiest person or I could be heartbroken,” she says. “Somehow in two months you became my best friend,” Ben tells her. But that’s not enough for JoJo who still wants to hear from Ben that he’s going to pick her, even though she knows he can’t give her that. Her strategy is to lock them in the bathroom, still mic’d, and tell him she’s losing her mind. “You love her too, am I right?” JoJo pleads. Ben confirms, and also admits to having told Lauren that he loves her too. She breaks down crying because she’s “so tired of competing with other people.” Off the bathroom floor and back on the couch, Ben says he doesn’t want to say goodbye and he cries a little and thanks JoJo for sticking with him through this whole process. They say ‘I love you’ for the millionth time and he leaves.

It’s starting to sink in that Ben is probs getting married on live TV within the next 90 minutes which means there’s a pretty good chance he’s not marrying me. That’s just science, people.

Neil Lane arrives for the ‘pick the ring’ part and it’s possible that Ben still hasn’t quiiiiite decided. NEIL IS A JEWELER, NOT A THERAPIST, BEN. Luckily, looking at the ring, Ben says he knows who it is. “I love two women, but I’m only fully in love with one woman,” he says. #finally

Lauren and JoJo get ready to get engaged or dumped. Lauren says when she met Ben she finally knew what people meant when they said they “met the love of their life.” For her part, JoJo is super sure that Ben is the one for her and she wants him to get down on one knee so they can start their life together. She thinks she’ll know if it’s her or not immediately when she sees him.

Ben awaits Lauren and JoJo and paces nervously, feeling “physically sick” over having to break up with one of them.

JoJo arrives in a helicopter (of course) and takes the loooong walk towards Ben. “From our first kiss on that rooftop in LA…to being able to finally tell you ‘I love you’…these are the moments where taking a crazy chance on love has been worth it,” Lauren says. “This is worth it…you are worth it. I’m never going to run from this,” she adds.

Ben starts with: “I, uh…”

Oh, crap.

“I came into this not knowing if I was going to find love…I found it with you…but I found it with somebody else more,” Ben drops. “I don’t want to let you go because I don’t want to say goodbye,” he tells a completely gutted JoJo. “Even on a day like today, I still don’t question that I love you…but you asked me to be honest and I’m trying to be.”

JoJo puts on a brave smile but admits she’s “confused and blindsided.” “Where did it go wrong?” she asks. When Ben tries to explain, she brushes him of and they start walking. He cries telling her he couldn’t imagine saying bye to her and doesn’t know how to explain why he is choosing someone else. They hug goodbye before he puts her into the Limo of Broken Dreams™. So sad…but JoJo for Bachelorette, right? RIGHT?!

Ben watches the limo pull away while inside it JoJo cries and says she wants to go home. “JoJo gets the raw end of this deal…she didn’t deserve this…I don’t deserve JoJo,” Ben says, in tears. Somewhere, JoJo’s brothers are cracking their knuckles and picking out their best asskicking cardigans.

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JoJo’s brothers

“I love Lauren so much that saying goodbye to JoJo had to happen,” states an emotional Ben before calling Lauren’s dad to ask permission to propose. Lauren’s dad says he has the whole family’s blessing and that they can’t wait to hug him and welcome him to the family. God dammit how does this show make me emotional? I thought I was dead inside by now. Gah!

Lauren emerges from her helicopter, her voiceover proclaiming she’s “at her best” with Ben. “Today will either be the best day of my life or the worst day,” she predicts.

“You couldn’t look more beautiful,” he greets her.  Lauren tells Ben that she hoped her first kiss with him was her last first kiss ever. “You are my person,” she tells him. While Ben briefly gathers his thoughts, his downcast gaze and slight pause result in Lauren’s eyes widening in complete fear. That fear quickly turns to relief when Ben says “Lauren, I never want to say goodbye to you.” “My desire from here on out is to live for you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you” he adds. He proposed, he accepts. The usual. Ben tells her she’s also his person and it’s pretty adorable and mushy. He presents Lauren with the final rose. “Yes! Give me that thing!” she laughs, showing the most personality she has shown in weeks.

And there you have it! Pretty predictable, but I did think for a split second after the meet-the-parents part that he would maybe pick JoJo.

Hit me up in the comments – did Ben make the right decision?

Coming up, my recap of the After the Final Rose special.

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 1, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo Source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, which ended in a cliffhanger!

Ben and his harem are in beautiful Mexico City, all butchering Spanish. Ben strolls through the city in a blue polo and gazes at a fountain. Cue the Latin music. Emily is down a twin but excited to explore her relationship with Ben. Olivia is comforted by the presence of a bidet in their suite (she has one at home) and oh yeah she loves Ben and their “love language” and is pretty sure she’s getting the one-on-one date this week. But it’s cute mom Amanda who is on “cloud nine” as the recipient of the date card. “I just need that time with him to see if it’s worth it for me to be here,” says the adorable Amanda. Olivia is all “Her? But she has kids.” Ick.

It’s 4:20 am and Ben ‎sneaks into Amanda’s room to “see these girls in their element.” Element meaning no makeup and morning breath and retainers. I can’t decide if I love or hate that the women have to share beds. Who gets stuck sleeping with Olivia and her alleged dragon breath? “Whose weave is this?” Ben laughs pointing to someone’s fake hair on the bedside table. Amanda looks perfect (she’s probs used to no sleep given being a single mom to two small kids) and is ready to head out on their date in like 15 minutes.

They hop in a limo and make their way to a hot air balloon. Ben and Amanda float over ancient cities and say things like “this is so crazy/amazing” a lot and make out attractively. They cuddle up on a blanket in a field and Ben says he just likes being around her. “I still get nervous to really open up,” Amanda says and they toast with champagne to talking more about their lives. “I don’t want to scare him away,” Amanda worries.

Back at the hotel suite of nerves and jealousy, the women are moaning about how Amanda is on the longest date so far when a group date card arrives. It’s revealed that Lauren H. will be on the next solo date with the Bachelor.

Back on their date, Ben likes that Amanda always has a smile on her face. She’s all lip bitey and confessional and opens up about her first marriage which was full of “red flags.. After her second daughter was born she discovered texts on her husband’s phone and he was texting exes and meeting girls online and despite not wanting to break up her family she knew it was time to end things. “I never wanted to be a single mom,” Amanda admits and adds that she sometimes felt embarrassed that her marriage failed. She speaks extremely thoughtfully and eloquently. Ben is adamant that he doesn’t feel weird that she was married before. “I admire you,” he tells Amanda. “You’re incredible.” These two really bonded and she accepts his date rose. Ben’s voice-over says he can totally see a future with Amanda. I see a hometown date but not necessarily a forever with these two, as his connections with Lauren B. and JoJo (and, to a lesser degree, Caila) seem so much stronger after their one-on-one dates.

It’s group date day and Ben waves hard at his incoming harem. “I hate group dates!” Jubilee declares. Olivia can’t shut her mouth as usual and is “going to do anything” to get the date rose. The women and Ben enter a classroom and it’s time for a Spanish class. What’s Spanish for “what is that hair Becca?” She’s doing a weird mini bun thing. I’ll try and get a screengrab of it. Emily may no longer be “in it to twin it” since her sister was cut last week, but she shines sans Haley and is adorable with Ben.

Next they head to a restaurant for a cooking lesson. I love Mexican food so much that if I were on this date I would probably have forgotten Ben existed for like 18 minutes. Just long enough to eat like 47 tostadas. There’s an awkward moment when they have to pair off for a cooking challenge and Jubilee and Olivia are in a showdown for who gets to partner with Ben. Neither one is budging (Olivia does have those sturdy cankles on her side) and Olivia is all “I claimed you!” and since Olivia gets what Olivia wants that’s how that shakes out.

First the women must grocery shop in Spanish. I would mostly wander around murmuring “cervezas?” because I’m an asshole. “Ben and I are on a high right now!” gushes the delusional Olivia while she shops with Ben. “She literally makes me want to throw up and her breath is horrible” moans Emily while Ben suggests to Olivia that they find some mint (ha).

The date card arrives back at the hotel for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together” it reads. Already bored.

Back on the group date everyone is chopping and mincing and other cooking words. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatular,” Ben deadpans, handsomely. “I want to be his partner in life and his partner in cooking,” Olivia‎ states. Ben observes that Lauren B. and Jubilee are a little quiet and less enthusiastic than the other women, particularly Jubilee. Apparently a woman knows she’s ready to get married when her cooking game is up to par. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco, etc. She goes on about that for too long. The chefs comment that Olivia and Ben’s dish looks like dog food while Jubilee and Lauren’s dish gets top marks for being restaurant quality.

On the evening portion of their date, Olivia is once again the first to grab Ben for alone time and she is excited to “reconnect.” ‎Jubilee starts to unravel watching him walk away to spend time with the other women. Jennifer emphasizes she’s a commitment girl and Lauren B. gushes that their date from two weeks ago was beyond great and Ben says he never wanted it to end. These two!

Jubilee is in the crossed arms/angry eyebrows ‎phase of jealousy at this point in the evening and while Ben and Lauren B. make out on the street she tries to send someone named Leah who I keep forgetting exists out to interrupt them. When Jubilee finally gets her time she refuses to hold Ben’s hand and then complains about being on group dates and is worried he doesn’t remember her because he has been on “like 1000 dates” since theirs. Ben tells Jubilee he has felt her pulling away from him and that he’s not as confident in their connection anymore. He confronts her about the not hand holding thing and she says a part of that is having the other women around. “I just want it to be me and you…I don’t want you to give up on me.”

It has not gone unnoticed by the other women that Jubilee wouldn’t take Ben’s hand and Jubilee, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t mean to pull back. “Do you still feel at this point in time that there could be something between us?” Ben asks. Jubilee counters that she needs him to tell her‎ the same and Ben tells her he doesn’t feel a strong enough connection. “I think it’s best that tonight we say goodbye,” Ben says. He walks Jubilee out, and they hug goodbye. “I would have loved him unconditionally” she cries in her private interview. Ben takes a moment to gather himself while invisible Leah worries about heading into a rose ceremony without having had time to chat with him and everyone is probably thinking ‘who are you again?’. Ben struggles to explain sending Jubilee home and JoJo is the one to comfort him after and tell him how he handles himself with “class and grace.” “I’m done with breaking up with people after this,” Ben jokes and then because it’s the Bachelor they make out. “It’s all worth it!” he claims.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose, saying they “reconnected” after she had “struggled” a little‎ and for once everyone’s mouth but Olivia’s is wiiiiiide open.

The next day Ben and Lauren H. head out on their “game changer” (as per Lauren) date. The theme is fashion‎ and the two try on an array of outfits and Ben likes the kindergarten teacher’s “goofiness.” They learn they will be attending a show at Mexico City Fashion Week.

Meanwhile, in Olivia Land: “I’m not threatened by anyone who goes on a date with Ben…I’m back!” she declares, causing a flurry of hate tweets. Emily is sick of Olivia’s negative energy and is gearing up for a throwdown.

Lauren H. and Ben learn they will be walking the runway, and are given some catwalk training. Lauren bonds with the real models pre-show and Ben calms her nerves. She kills it on the runway, and Ben looks crazy handsome. They embrace backstage and Lauren insists this is the best day of her entire life. Clearly she’s never eaten two funnel cakes in one day.

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Lauren H. and Ben walk the runway at Mexico City Fashion Week. Photo source: nypost.com

“It’s been a slow burn with Lauren H.,” Ben says, heading into dinner. He wants to see if their connection can be more than just friends, and Lauren H. is worried about being put in the “friend zone.” She opens up to Ben about her last relationship which ended suddenly after four years and she learned later that he had been cheating on her. She has bounced back and is ready to “open up and let someone in” (way to insinuate “bone zone” over “friend zone” girl) and Ben is all over her speech. He calls her confident and cute and says “today was a really exciting day for me.” Meh, watching it was kind of boring for me but hey she’s sweet and nice and very well-spoken and for that, “slow burn” Lauren H. gets the date rose. Also, her go-to swear is “holy shoot” so she’ll be a fan fav soon enough.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben promises JoJo he will never blindside her and they do a dorky high five and I can see her and Lauren B. as final two for sure. Speaking of Lauren B., she tells Ben she can see a life with him. “Like, a life life,” she insists.

Nearby, Amanda is talking about custody arrangements with her ex and how he apparently picks up their daughters on Friday and ships them back on Saturday, prompting Olivia to comment that the conversation reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Everyone is offended, especially Emily for some reason.‎ Olivia, sensing the onslaught of shit about to come her way, gets emotional and claims she is going to “try harder” with the women. Emily goes to Ben and cries and tells him Olivia is fake and disrespectful and Ben is really starting to think he’s not seeing the real Olivia. Well, I’m sure given her cavernous mouth you could easily see inside the real Olivia. Close enough?

While Olivia works on buttering Ben up, Emily calls Haley and cries about mean bad Olivia. Ben tries to suss things out from Olivia who claims that everything is good in the house. “I’m just going to have to go with my gut,” he says, which apparently means pumping Amanda for more dirt on Olivia. He’s on the hunt for “red flags.” Both Amanda and Jennifer confirm the Olivia issues and there’s still no screen time for Leah. Before jumping into the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia‎ and people are hoping Olivia will be the first woman to have her rose taken away.  Which probs means that won’t happen. But we won’t find out tonight because this episode is — cue dramatic music — to be continued!

It looks like next week everyone cries and Ben stands on the edge of a cliff in a suit, maybe after sending Olivia and her cankles home and maybe not. In the outtakes from the episode, Lauren B. teaches Emily how to do a tequila shot. ‎I notice that Emily and I own the same t-shirt. Twinning!

I’ll be back next week. Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 25, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode. There was a super awkward dance, a panic attack, and three women left in tears. So, pretty typical stuff.

Ben’s harem is dwindling and the vibe around the house is a little off. Olivia is all “Ben is my man,” and Chris Harrison arrives to cut the tension and announce that they are off to meet Ben in Las Vegas. The twins are super amped because they are from Vegas (of course) and Olivia wants to see Celine Dion. Her mood is hugely improved and her mouth is bigger than ever. Cut to Ben saying people can totes find love in Vegas (and STDs and a gambling addiction, but those go unmentioned). Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the women scream and lose their shit on the strip over a sign welcoming them to sin city. “I feel like a baller” says Leah (who?). The date card arrives at their fancy suite and it’s for a trembling-with-anticipation JoJo‎. Olivia is “not threatened” by her “piece” going on dates with other women. Oh good.

The twins – Emily and Haley – occupy themselves by twinning while Olivia continues to be not bothered by Ben’s “journey with other women.” Speaking of Ben, he picks JoJo up and they kick off their date with a glass of champagne on a rooftop where a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Their  glasses go flying everywhere while the other women watch from their suite and laugh…until they spot the cute duo kissing. And with that, Olivia’s confident demeanor shatters because JoJo is pretty and smart and awesome sauce.

JoJo and Ben’s chemistry takes them to new heights (see what I did there) while Olivia declares she “loves this man.” A group date card arrives and Olivia is on it, meaning by process of elimination that Becca‎ will have the next one-on-one in Vegas.

Back on their date, Ben and JoJo are back on solid ground and Ben tells her there are so many things about her that he’s attracted to. Promising! “I came into this whole thing telling myself I was going to be openhearted,” JoJo confesses. She tells Ben she ended her last relationship five months ago and that there were trust issues. As Ben adorably fiddles with her bracelet, she states that she is 100% open to their connection. She easily lands the date rose. “Jojo is somebody I am falling for,” Ben says. He leads her to the roof where they cuddle and stare at the Vegas lights and watch fireworks and make out a bunch. “I feel like I was being cheated on,” a peeping Olivia says, idiotically.

The next day Ben meets his group daters. Twins Emily and Haley love his cute nose and Lauren H. is worried about nipple tassels. ‎Olivia is now calling herself the front-runner (in her private interviews) and the women learn they will be presenting at a talent show. The twins are grateful that their mom put them in Irish dancing and are “in it to twin it!” Aren’t we all. Jubilee plays cello. Lauren H. rocks a chicken suit and the women suspect Olivia has a talent other than “being the center of attention.” I’m guessing it has something to do with her mouth. Some guy named Terry Fator who I’ve never heard of but who is probably the world’s most famous ventriloquist announces they will be opening for him that night and then does some mildly creepy ventriloquism. Is there any other kind?  Cue the ticket refunds from some pissed off day drunks.

Olivia gets decked out a-la-showgirl – cankles on full display – practicing her shimmy and praising her decision to shave that morning. The women are just hoping her talent is disappearing. I would do horribly in this challenge unless sarcasm and guacamole eating are considered stage talents.

Cutie Caila is “internally combusting” with nerves while Olivia can’t wait to get out on stage and grab our Bachelor’s attention. She states that when her and Ben are alone it’s “bam shabam.” I do not make this stuff up.

Haley and Emily rock their Riverdance while the crowd enthusiastically claps along. Lauren B. (who earlier claimed herself to have no talent) juggles, talentless-ly (probably not a real word). ‎Olivia jumps out of a cake (doesn’t seem like it’s her first time) and sort of jerks around on the stage and it’s awkward but funny and hey at least this pretty much confirms she’s not a stripper. For her efforts, Olivia gets a hug from Ben and some sass from one of Terry’s less polite puppets.

Backstage, Olivia wanders off to cry real hard (accompanied by Rachel) while the other ladies toast to their stage show. ‎If you’re wondering, I took this commercial break to find something to put guacamole on while I tried to recover from my second-hand embarrassment for Olivia. I landed on ‘spoon.’

Still backstage, an over-sized cardboard cake is like “Gurllll that was rough. Also, whose huge mouth took this bite out of me?” Rachel is being too nice while Olivia continues to cry off her embarrassment. ‎”I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.” She is bummed about her ‘pity hug’ from Ben and is still reeling. “I’m here to be marriage material and I don’t think that (performance) was marriage material.”

Later that evening Ben thanks the women for being silly that day and Caila has her eye on the group date rose. It is her first group date, so she is thrilled when Ben pulls her away for some solo time. Caila immediately throws her arms around him and goes in for the makeout. Ben is amped to see her sexier side and legit refers to her as a “sex panther.” Hahahahahaha. ‎He’s super into Caila’s “quiet confidence”, and her body sitting on his body.

Lauren H. is out of the chicken suit and hot to trot. Her and Ben play with puppets in an empty theater and he says he wants to know the “cute, fun” Lauren so she kisses the puppet Ben and then the real Ben. I didn’t love her “soccer mom” comment last week but she’s growing on me.

The group date rose is on the table and Olivia pulls him away and opens with a joke about needing to get loaded to forget about her performance. She tells Ben she had “a complete breakdown” afterwards and lies that she’s not good at being “show-y.” Um, you should tell your mouth that. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed” he says, before Emily interrupts. How do you like that taste of your own medicine, Olivia? She shoves A LOT of her fingers into her mouth and says she’s scared that her brief time with Ben wasn’t enough to re-solidify their connection. Olivia returns to the group and finds some food to shove into her mouth instead of her own fingers.

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Olivia. Starved for fingers…and attention.

Ben and actual front runner Lauren B. are super into eachother. “I missed you soooo much” she tells our Bachelor and he assures her not to question his feelings. Lauren B. says she’s living with “all these amazing women” (nice!) and she realizes that Ben could so easily be falling for any of them. There’s a cute moment where she says she may have gone on her “last first date ever” with him and he seems super into it.

Caila uses a puppet to alert Jennifer that Olivia is en route to interrupt Ben and twin Emily despite Jennifer having not had time to chat with him. The ladies are so over Olivia tonight. “Can we start over?” Olivia half-pleads to the very confused Ben. “You don’t have to apologize,” Ben says and continues to be nice to her long enough for them to kiss and hopefully that will calm down some of her crazy. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B. and hugs her on top of Amanda‎ while Olivia is all maniac blinks.

The next day a box arrives for Becca and it’s a wedding dress in (appropriately) virgin white. She looks stunning in it of course but Jubilee ain’t worried. “She’s a virgin. If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, it isn’t going to happen in six hours.”

Becca says she feels totally different this time around. So basically that’s her finally  admitting that despite making it to the final two on Chris Soules’ season, she just wasn’t that into him. Their date starts at a chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…they they officiate weddings for some ‎randoms. Ben is ordained and Becca will be his assistant I presume. The first groom arrives and, yeah, Ben marries them. He’s so excited he forgets to tuck in his shirt. “We’ll cherish ‎that forever,” the groom says. The parade of couples continue and by the end, Ben and Becca have married a bunch of randoms including a dude in a tuxedo t-shirt.

JESUS CHRIST DID SOMEONE LET ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK BE MADE INTO A MOVIE?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT CALLED ‘THE CHOICE’?! I CHOOSE NO. Who is the monster that keeps green lighting these?  Sorry. Commercials.

Later that evening Ben takes Becca to the famed Vegas neon sign museum (I can’t believe I’ve not been yet – I’m due for a 3rd trip to Vegas) where they stroll hand-in-hand. “Can she love, can she feel, can she commit?” Ben wonders. “I care so much more at this point than I did last season” Becca tells Ben. “I think the outcome could be really great.” Ben is all ‘feel your feelings’ and he says he had some concerns about her going to the final two with Chris and seemingly not having strong feelings but apparently they have talked through that and he’s not worried anymore. Becca isn’t bothered by Ben not being a virgin (she’s probably a phenomenal kisser at this point), and he admires her commitment or whatever. “I really like you,” she gushes‎. They exchange adorable ‘vows’ and kiss a bunch and, to Ben, she is “perfect in every way.” Becca secures the date rose and could see herself saying yes to a proposal.

Host Chris Harrison drops by the next day to announce that Ben has asked to spend the day with the twins. Ooh a dreaded two-on-one! These typically end in an elimination. This should be…interesting. Or maybe he’ll keep them both and they can move in with those sister wives people who live nearby. Curious to know if Ben can even tell them apart. Also, did they do this date in Vegas to save on airfare sending one of the twins home since they are locals? Olivia’s mouth is on full alert and the women are wondering if maybe he will send them both home. “Dating twins has been difficult,” says Captain Obvious. He doesn’t think he can keep dating sisters. So, to help make his decision he brings them to their house where they live with their mom.

Haley’s (?) room contains stuffed animals‎ and not one but two photos of her ex-boyfriend. “I thought they would put these away,” she half moans. Then Ben and Emily (?) lay down on her bed and hold hands and it’s like watching two tweens on a first date.

Ben sits down with their gorgeous mom for some insight on the Doublemint blonde beauties and ultimately he says goodbye to Haley. I think Haley was my favourite. Maybe. I have no idea. Haley is “grateful that Emily gets to continue on this journey with Ben.” These are genuinely sweet girls and to her credit Emily is sad to see her sister go too. At least Haley has adorable dogs and her mom for comfort tonight. I’ve lost count of how many dachshunds they have but it’s enough to dive into an adorable puppy pile. Also, I believe this is the first time on this show that someone has been dumped in front of their mom. At least I hope so. Hey maybe now we’ll get to see Emily’s real occupation instead of her being referred to as “twin”. Or is she funemployed too?‎ Also, if he ends up with Emily (he won’t) I would pay to see footage of that first family Thanksgiving.Moving on.

“There’s our boyfriend” someone announces hilariously as Ben approaches to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Olivia’s plans to (as per usual) pull Ben away first are foiled by Jennifer (go girl!) who confesses that she had planned to be the first to get some time with Ben. Unfortunately, Olivia just doesn’t give a shit and after what seems like seconds makes her way over and shoos away Jennifer so that her and Ben can eat cake and she can tell him three times that she is falling for him. Olivia, everyone knows that no one claims to be in love week four. That’s really more of a week five kind of crazy. Olivia tells JoJo that she’s falling in love with Ben and claims it was “reciprocated.” Um, no.

Jubilee and Ben share their first screen time tonight and he reiterates that he finds her sweet, beautiful and funny‎. She’s worried that being complicated is working against her. “I’m intrigued by you,” he reassures Jubilee.

They are setting this up for either Olivia or Jennifer (and probs Amber or Rachel) to be sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. I know Olivia is great TV‎ and all y’all but it’s time right? Jennifer gets a rose and Olivia is getting visibly nervous. The last rose of the evening goes to self-appointed “best for last” Olivia, meaning Amber and Rachel are dunzo. I will forget Amber was even there by the credits but I would have liked to see more of ‘unemployed’ Rachel. I thought she may be a dark horse but I think that may turn out to be Jennifer. I love that Amber removes her heels upon her exit. Love. She cries a LOT on a pool chaise and sobs that she “didn’t want to get hurt again.” So maybe lay off the dating shows, darling.

Next week promises a ton of Jubilee drama and Olivia targeting single mom Amanda.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.

The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – The Women Tell All

It’s the Women Tell All special from the “most controversial” season of The Bachelor, ever! Apparently. But before we jump into all that, The Bachelor producers want to remind you that sometimes this fucked up show actually ‘works’. Time to trot out Sean Lowe – and his wife of, like, three weeks – Catherine. They’re refreshed from their honeymoon of non-stop banging in Bora Bora, and I am rooting for these two. I really am. They’ve stayed together despite the shitstorm of crazy that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette world, and they waited until their wedding night to have sex. They’re back in Dallas and talking about starting a family.

Time for the ladies. Oh good, Kelly brought her dog Molly. And ‘free spirit’ Lucy is waving her arms around like SUCH a free spirit. Host Chris Harrison brings up first impressions. Kat thought Juan Pablo was even more handsome in person than what we had seen on Desiree’s season, and according to Kelly, dog Molly wasn’t a fan from the start! Since it’s not exactly a secret that Juan Pablo isn’t anyone’s favourite bachelor (there were those homophobic comments and then slut shaming Clare and oh yeah Andi sorta made it sound last week like he’s a self-centered douchenozzle), Bachelor producers want to remind you why they picked him in the first place: he looks amazing without a shirt on.

We’re treated to a video montage of JP’s sexiest moments from the season, and then the women chime in on how physical attraction just ain’t enough. Danielle states that her conversations with El Bachelor were very “surface level” and there are quite a few agreeing nods. Single mom Renee says her experience was a bit different, because a lot of their conversations revolved around their children and their experiences as single parents. Cassandra – the 22 year old single mom – had the same experience but she spins it more as a negative, that their children were really the only thing they talked about. There’s a weird moment between Lauren and Kelly, where Lauren describes JP as seeming “checked out” and Kelly claims that during her time in the house Lauren actually seemed SUPER into Juan and maybe this is all sour grapes on her end. Andi feels that Juan Pablo did want to find someone, but “his version of what he was trying to find was different than ours.” Chris Harrison points out that even though it’s only been about 10 minutes, it’s clear that this Women Tell All is going to be different than the ones we’ve seen before.

‘Dog lover’ Kelly seems hell bent on being heard, and while she seemed mostly ambivalent about Juan during her time on the show, she’s got a LOT of opinions now. Kelly calls out El Bachelor for using his daughter as an excuse to not get intimate with some of the women, instead of just saying ‘hey, the chemistry isn’t there.’ Chris is offended by this and tells Kelly she “should be very careful” accusing someone of using their child as an excuse. He solicits Renee’s opinion on the whole thing. Renee and Juan Pablo didn’t kiss as early as she would have liked, and JP joked that he didn’t want her son Ben to beat him up if he saw his mom kissing some random on TV. Kat was a bit put off by JP referring to single moms Cassandra and Renee as his “special ones”, and Cassandra felt perhaps disrespected by the fact that Juan made a big deal about the single moms and held off on kissing Renee, while he had no prob locking lips with Cass on their first date. Chris Harrison theorizes that perhaps Juan was torn between being a single dad and being a horny assclown (not his exact words).

The conversation quickly moves on to Clare and JP’s ocean dalliance, and Andi and Kat – who were sharing a room with Clare that night – claim they had no idea any of that had gone down until the episode aired. “He seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation in Vietnam correctly?” Chris asks. The answer is a resounding ‘no’. Sharleen pipes up that, if anything, Juan Pablo is more to blame than Clare for the whole situation.

Sharleen joins Chris on the stage for an in-depth chat about her decision to leave the show. “You are the most intriguing person we’ve had,” Chris tells her. “Yeah, but honestly I was honest the entire time and I think that in real life when you’re dating you’re not necessarily 100% either way,” Sharleen states. We’re treated to a recap of Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s romantic ‘journey,’ and Sharleen remembers feeling that he just wasn’t the one for her. “You were attracted to this man…something changed.” “I think every woman has probably had a relationship like that, says Sharleen. “Because you have that physical connection you’re trying to piece together the rest of it to justify that physical connection.” Interestingly though, Sharleen adds that she found her conversations with Juan Pablo to have a bit more substance to them. I felt that around Sharleen, JP seemed smarter and marginally more interesting. Maybe he was trying to keep up with her or maybe he is actually super intelligent and inquisitive and only Sharleen brought out that side in him? “I found him very curious. He wanted to know about me and other people and other lifestyles and about my experiences.” Chris asks Sharleen if she was surprised after watching the show to find out she was JP’s “favourite” early on, and she maintains that she was surprised and had no idea Juan pablo felt that way about her. Apparently this was only news to Sharleen, because the other ladies willingly admit that they all knew JP had a special thing for the Canadian opera singer. “He was so intrigued by her,” Andi offers. In the end, Sharleen says “I regret some things I said but I don’t regret leaving.”

Next in the hot seat is “fan favourite” single mom Renee who is apparently engaged?? I have commented a few times on this blog that Renee was everyone’s best friend on the show. She was often shown comforting the other women, even encouraging them to pursue their relationships with JP. She even tried to talk Sharleen out of leaving. All class. I was super bummed when El Bachelor sent her home. After their video recap, Renee does admit she wishes she would have told JP that she was in love with him before being sent home (though there wasn’t a time when she felt it was the perfect moment to do so), but that she doesn’t think it would have made a difference. “I don’t think it would have changed the way he felt about me,” Renee confesses. She is a bit sore about JP making out with Clare like 5 seconds after telling her he didn’t want to make out with everyone because of his daughter. All in all, the always lovely Renee doesn’t regret her Bachelor experience and is super happy now and in “a situation.”

And now the woman we’ve all been waiting to hear from: Andi. Andi rather abruptly left The Bachelor during last week’s episode after an apparently nightmarish experience in the Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo. Andi and host Chris Harrison don’t beat around the bush. What happened in the Fantasy Suite? Heading into it, Andi felt like she could “fall in love with him.” Coming out? Not so much. “When the doors closed and everyone left it was fine for a little while….it was nice to be away from the cameras…we definitely had some fun times. And then everything was about his soccer and travelling and who he knew…there was a lot of negativity.” Andi felt that Juan Pablo wasn’t “grateful for the opportunity that he had.” She adds: “I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.” Snickers from the audience. There was allegedly a comment that Andi had barely beaten out Renee and that rubbed Andi the wrong way, which is totally fair. She also didn’t appreciate Juan’s mention of having been on an overnight date with Clare the night before. Obviously Andi knew that JP and Clare had likely opted to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite, but she didn’t feel he needed to bring it up during their date. Totally fair! So after hours of this chatting and apparent negativity, Andi did what she thought was best: she faked going to sleep. Ha. The promo for this episode totally made it sound like they had sex and it was terrible so she just laid there and waited for it to be over. “The things he said were entirely inappropriate and rude, but he wasn’t mean to me,” Andi clarifies. “There’s no filter there.” Andi is both anxious and nervous to see JP again. Well honey, you’ve got about the length of a commercial break, probably for tampons or a dating website.

Out comes El Bachelor Juan Pablo. Just me or do him and Chris Harrison not seem as chummy as Chris usually is with the Bachelors? Chris and Sean Lowe practically bro’d down on a weekly basis. Chris has been mostly absent this season. After a pointed shout out of “Hi Andi!” Juan says he wouldn’t change a thing about his time as El Bachelor. “At the end of the day, you have to be very realistic, very mature and very honest in this situation and I’ve been honest since day one…sometimes that happens to seem a little rude.” JP would rather be “honest” and risk hurting someone’s feelings. He reiterates that he has no regrets. When Chris invites the women to comment, the first person to speak up is Lauren, who wishes that Juan had been more upfront with her instead of possibly using his daughter Camila as an excuse not to make out (but again, as the women keep pointing out, he had no issue locking lips with Clare the entire time). At this point, Juan Pablo mentions a ‘deleted scene’, which was Renee telling him about how crushed her son Ben was after a break-up because he had become attached to the dude. That’s why he was so slow with Renee, JP claims. Cassandra doesn’t like that Juan Pablo went on a hometown date with Renee and met her son if he wasn’t going to keep her around past then. To be fair, maybe Juan Pablo thought Renee would be there to the end. JP holds his ground on this one. He introduces his daughter to women on first dates, but says he introduces the women as ‘friends.’ He’s weirdly good at defending himself in a way where – with the exception of slut shaming Clare – I end up siding with him after every confrontation. Oh my god is Juan Pablo a wizard?

Alli pipes in and says she was tired of hearing Juan Pablo use the word “fair,” (as in, he wasn’t hooking up more in order to be ‘fair’) and Andi backs him up on treating Renee and Cassandra as his ‘special ones’ given their single mom status…but that doesn’t mean he didn’t make any mistakes. “I have parts that I’m going to defend him for. …there’s things that I liked and there’s things that I still don’t like about it.” “It’s ok,” teases Juan Pablo, using Andi’s most hated phrase of all time. Ha.

Continuing with Andi, she feels that JP wasn’t really looking for a wife. She wishes that he would have tried a bit harder to get to know the woman on a more personal level. On this point, Sharleen comes to Juan Pablo’s defense (because he actually gave a shit about her)Lucy picks this moment to chime in and say “everyone here wanted to be treated like we were in an individual, unique relationship with you,” which gets applause from the audience. Kelly then jumps in and brings up the anti-gay comments Juan made regarding a hypothetical gay Bachelor. “That situation was taken out of context,” Juan Pablo states firmly. Barely seen Victoria (she’s the one who got trashed and was asked to leave by JP, right?) jumps in here and shouts at JP to stop using the fact that English isn’t his first language as an excuse for any miscommunication. He offers to chat about it backstage and claims that he’s not homophobic and that he’s “still dealing with it.” Sharleen again defends Juan Pablo on this, and says she found him to be very open-minded.

To lighten the mood, we are next treated to a blooper reel, including Cass and JP stranded on the water, JP referring to “me and my little package,” Renee almost being knocked unconscious by a set light, a bunch of shit falling down, some awkward dancing, and all of Juan’s “it’s ok” moments, capped off with Andi basically saying that if she hears the phrase one more time she will murder the shit out of him.

So to wrap it up, we still have two women left vying for Juan Pablo’s heart and a Neil Lane engagement ring: “polar opposites” Nikki and Clare. Kat thinks it’s “anyone’s game,” while Kelly and Sharleen are Team Nikki.

Until next week – finale week!

The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Eight Recap (Part 2)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week eight (part 2) of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Tuesday, February 25, 2014).

It’s a double dose of El Bachelor drama this week! If you missed my post on Monday’s episode, you can check it out here.

Right off the bat we’re warned that Juan Pablo may get more than he bargained for. IS IT CHLAMYDIA? Because I imagine he bargained for that. Anyhoodle, Juan and his three remaining women are in beautiful Saint Lucia. JP is wandering the streets, pondering his upcoming overnight dates, and looking forward hanging out with the woman in complete privacy.

The first lady Juan Pablo will be spending time with is Clare, who’s falling in love. She’s all baby talk and gushiness and pouty lips. Frankly it’s all a little exhausting to watch. They venture out on a boat and Clare is debating whether she would accept an overnight stay in the Fantasy Suite, as opposed to staying in her own room that night. After their disastrous late-night ocean hook-up, Clare’s definitely being more cautious and doesn’t want to do anything that would, frankly, make her look like a massive skankbasket. The skies are gray but the duo still head out for a swim. Clare wants to tell JP that she’s falling in love but it’s “scary”. When they head to dinner that night, Clare is wearing a white dress (hello subliminal message!) and really wants Juan to notice. “We’re going to get to know each other better. A lot better,” says JP. Clare asks if “it would be weird” if she met Carla who is Juan Pablo’s ex and the mother of his daughter. “I feel like Camila already has a mom…you know how people get weird about stuff like that?” she asks. “I would want to talk to her and let her know how I feel, you know?” Apparently JP likes that she’s been doing “some good thinking.” Bringing it up in the context of meeting his ex seemed a bit odd to me but JP seems cool. Clare reads the Fantasy Card suite invite aloud and he asks what she wants to do. Way to keep your hands clean, buddy. After the quasi-slut shaming you put Clare through a few weeks back, you certainly don’t want to appear to care either way. After a dramatically deep breath and a long pause, Clare brings up the “discussion” they had in Vietnam. She mentions that her concern was what his daughter would think. Juan reassures her that this week is all about the overnights, really. That’s part of the whole process and..expected? I guess. Basically what he’s saying is there’s a time and a place and this is it. Again. Because of Vietnam. But clean slate. Or whatever. Clare agrees and they leave dinner (and sliders…WHO LEAVES SLIDERS UNEATEN?).

Clare and JP enter the Fantasy Suite and sip on champagne and Clare tells Juan “I’m just, like, loving falling in love with you.” More pouty lips. God that would get annoying quickly I would think. El Bachelor seems to like it. “I know you don’t have to say anything back right now, but everything has been from my heart,” Clare adds. Then she used the phrase “you melted me” and I had to pause to brush my teeth, from the gagging. Tea burns on the way up, by the way. In true Bachelor fashion, they jump into the hot tub to continue making out. According to Juan Pablo, the rest of the night didn’t go farther than talking (and talking and talking) and cuddling.

After his romantic overnight with Clare, JP meets up with Andi, looking radiant in a red sundress. I kind of hope they give the Bachelor a day off in between overnight dates. To replenish. And nap! And try on linen shirts. These are the things I imagine he does. Andi and JP get a quick lesson in playing the steel drum and he pulls her in for a sweet hug. They sit down for a snack with the cutest little local boys, and JP buys them all a round of fruit punch. Turns out these kids are soccer fans, so the group play a quick pickup game. Afterwards, a sweaty El Bachelor and Andi hop in a land buggy and end up having a picnic lunch by a beautiful waterfall in the jungle where Andi wants to know what he talked about with her family during hometown week. Over champagne and fruit, JP tells her that he loved what Andi’s dad had to say about wanting to reserve his approval on a possible marriage proposal until when (and if) that time comes. They end the afternoon with a cool off under the falls. BUT WILL THEIR CONNECTION COOL ALSO?We’ve been teased with a ‘dramatic’ incident between Andi and JP that is set to happen in this episode.

Over dinner, the very attractive duo get cozy on a couch but JP has something very specific on his mind: a comment Assistant District Attorney Andi made in her hometown about wanting badly to fall in love. He feels that it sounded too ‘forced.’ “Wanting it badly, to me, is different than ‘forcing it,” Andi explains. “There’s nothing wrong with thinking,” Juan assures her. “My concern has been answered.” Andi likes that El Bachelor was really listening to her in Atlanta, and he assures her that he is always paying close attention, because that’s part of him being able to make his final decision. When she asks if Juan thinks she would be a good step-mom for Camila he answers very honestly: “I don’t know. That’s why I have an overnight tonight with you. So we can talk about a lot of things.” Andi seems unfazed by his answer and honestly he makes a good point. This is his child. It’s kind of a big deal to take on that role. Andi reads the Fantasy Suite card aloud and the duo mutually decide to spend the night together.

The next morning, Juan is happy and feeling great. He says after the night they spent together, Andi “could be the one.” “Waking up this morning, I’m so happy about Andi… we freakin’ talked and laughed for hours.” He also likes her pinch-able cheeks. Andi has a completely different take on the evening. She confesses she “could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite” that morning. Shitballs. “The Fantasy Suite turned into a nightmare…I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like and the whole night was just a disaster. I hope he did not think that went well.”

Insert screeching tire noise.

The fuck?

Andi feels that JP doesn’t really care about who she is or what she wants in life, and claims he always steers the conversation back to him. She’s also annoyed that he mentioned having an overnight date with Clare while they were enjoying their Fantasy Suite time. “I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask.,” Andi fumes. Later: “He thinks that he can say whatever he wants to say and that everyone’s going to laugh and still fall in love with him and that it’s all fun and games, but it gets to a point where it’s just offensive.”

Whoa.

“It’s just not in me to sit here and be fake about it when I know after last night..after talking to him and getting to know him and seeing what life would be like with him….I know that I wouldn’t end up marrying him. I know that he’s not the one,” Andi states. I can’t say I’m shocked by what she’s saying. I’ve not been a huge fan of Juan Pablo’s from the start, including on Desiree’s season. He always struck me as kind of misogynistic and self-involved. But I saw moments throughout the season – particularly when he was with Sharleen – that made me think maybe I was judging him too harshly. It seems like Andi’s made up her mind (boo, she was my favourite of the remaining women), but we won’t find out for a bit if that means she’s saying adios, because it’s time for Juan’s overnight date with Nikki.

Juan Pablo is horse whispering and waiting for Nikki, who I still have some doubts about. She’s cute and fun and everything, but there’s something off. And not just her outfit, which consists of patterned harem pants and a fringe bikini top. They make their way on horseback to a nearby beach. “I know that I’m ready. I know that this is what I want. This whole thing. You,” Nikki tells Juan. Later they make out attractively in the ocean. Another dinner. Another pointless conversation. Another Fantasy Suite acceptance. Blah blah blah. Reasons why Juan Pablo feels Nikki could be a good wife for him? She’s pretty, sexy, honest, and she cares about people. In a super grating baby voice, Nikki tells JP that she loves him. After more kissing it’s lights out in the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning brings another rose ceremony day. Host Chris Harrison meets with Juan Pablo so that he can view the three pre-taped messages from his remaining women (in case you’ve forgotten who they are, there are photos of them set up on a ledge behind JP).

Nikki’s video is first. She rehashes their dates and uses the word ‘awesome’ with gusto. Clare continues to over-enunciate every syllable. Then it’s time for Andi. “Starting this journey I had absolutely no idea what to expect..I remember you telling me just to trust you and waking up after the Fantasy Suite…there were a ton of thoughts that went through my mind and I realized that I wanted to share those thoughts with you…in person.” Andi’s voic eover re-confirms she knows for sure that JP isn’t the man for her.

After a commercial break, Andi says “there is no doubt in my mind” that they don’t have a future. “All he wants to do was say ‘it’s ok’ and give me a kiss,” Andi describes of their conversations together in the Fantasy Suite, when she tried to talk to him about more serious things.

Andi arrives to talk to Juan Pablo and the conversation quickly gets heated. “Going to the Fantasy Suite and waking up the next morning…I realized that I wasn’t in love with you and that I wasn’t going to be and despite all the great feelings and great adventures it wasn’t going to work.”

“That’s fine, that’s ok,” Juan tells her. “If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

Perhaps it is JP’s nonchalance and seemingly flip response that sets her off (though perhaps that’s the language barrier, which even host Chris Harrison addressed when asking El Bachelor to clarify if he ‘likes’ the remaining women as friends or if he’s actually falling for them in a significant way). Andi gets super choked up and says that although admittedly she didn’t leave a child behind to come on the show like Juan did, she left her family and missed important events and even a wedding. “When you say ‘it’s ok’ that bothers me.” “I cannot force you to feel something for me. If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do,” Juan responds.

You know what? He’s right. She may not love the way he’s saying it or his calm demeanor, but that’s the truth. “English is my second language…” Juan reminds her. “To me it’s ok I respect you. I respect you as a woman…is it sad for me? It’s sad, because I like Andi. If I didn’t like you from week two you wouldn’t be here.”

Oh, snap.

That really sets Andi off. “That doesn’t seem real to me because you don’t even know who I am.” She complains that whenever she has tried to talk about deeper stuff or her feelings with him, his response has always been ‘it’s ok.’ Andi no likey ‘it’s ok.’

“What do you want me to do, honestly?” Juan Pablo asks, hoping to put an end to this now tiresome conversation. Andi’s answer of “Feel something. Have some emotion about me,” muddles her whole argument. Really, what she seems to really want is for JP to FIGHT for her. And he can’t really fight for one woman when he is choosing between three.

Juan insists he had a great time in the Fantasy Suite, and that’s when Andi reveals that she was offended by him mentioning his previous overnight date with Clare. When she starts to shout “it’s not fine!”, JP quickly counters with his favourite line: “I’m just being honest.”

Andi hones in on his use of the word “default” (as in, ‘you’re still here by default’ or something like that), a word which El Bachelor claims he never used. “There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole,” Andi states. True true. Juan Pablo suspects some of her sudden ‘tude is stemming from the comment he made about the comment she made oh god my head is spinning jesus you two just end it already I don’t even know what you’re fighting about anymore.

They’re talking circles at this point, and Andi asks if Juan even knows what religion she is. Basically, she’s pissed because he hasn’t seemed to want to really get to know her at all, on a deeper level. “Andi, I’m not going to argue with you. If I didn’t want you to be here…you would not be here.” JP doesn’t think that Andi really tried to have a serious conversation in the Fantasy Suite. He feels like their talk was “perfect” and fun.

Two different wavelengths.

Time to go, Andi.

In the end, I think Juan Pablo comes out the winner in this argument. Only by a teensy tiny bit. But still. He seems genuinely sad to see his “authentic” Andi leave, but his voiceover says he’s “not going to argue with a lawyer.” Ha.

They part ways and Andi’s rant continues in the car. “It’s not a language barrier, it’s that he doesn’t see it,” she insists. “I’m all for honestly, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive.”

And then there were two. Obviously there’s no need for a formal rose ceremony now, but Chris guides the final two women – Nikki and Clare – to the platform anyways. Both are shocked to learn of Andi’s departure, especially Nikki who seemed to have formed a friendship with Andi (though her hate-on for Clare clearly remains and the feeling is mutual); in fact, Nikki comments that her and Andi were “kind of, like, the same person.” JP hands out his unnecessary roses to his final two ladies-in-waiting.

So what do you think of Andi’s ‘shocking’ departure? Hit me up in the comments.

Next week is the ‘Women Tell All’ special. Can’t wait!