Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

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Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).


Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source:

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.


Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 


The Bachelor (Juan Pablo) – Week Three Recap

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 20, 2014).

Welcome back to Juan-uary and welcome back Chris Harrison! I missed him last week. But he’s wearing a weird two-tone blue shirt that looks straight out of the Sean John catalogue (remember P Diddy has a clothing line? Me either).

The first solo date card goes to cutie single mom Cassandra who shows up wearing an amazing orangey-red onesie that I wantwantwant. Last week, JP promised not to string her along if he wasn’t feeling a connection, so as not to keep her away from her young son. So obvi, this date is do or die time for Cas. The adorable pair jump into a jeep that morphs into a boat. Witchcraft!

Back at the Estrogen Palace, everyone’s best friend Renee is chatting with an emotional Elise whose recently deceased mother encouraged her to come on The Bachelor.

Meanwhile on their date, Juan Pablo and a nervous Cassandra board a yacht and immediately jump off it to pal around in the water while the sun sets. Later that evening the pair are at JP’s house (his daughter is with the grandparents), where they cook dinner and JP gives her a dance lesson (not a euphemism). Cassandra hasn’t had a date in 3 YEARS you guys. Oh yeah I forgot she was 21. So I guess her last date was at the prom. And then she had her son at 19. They cuddle up to show each other photos of their kids, and after a slightly long-winded speech about single-parenthood, JP gives Cassandra the date rose and then they kiss for awhile. First major kiss of the season! JP is a smitten kitten!

On a related note, I could listen to Juan Pablo try to say “malted milk ball” for the rest of my life.

Next up is a soccer-themed group date with Sharleen, Kelly, Christy, Danielle, Renee, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Lucy, and Nikki. The ladies arrive to see JP sweating it up with the LA Galaxy players, and his sweaty musk sends them into a tizzy. Juan puts the girls through some drills (again, not a euphemism) and then they divide into teams. On the red team, nurse Nikki has little patience for weakest link Kelly but they have secret weapon Alli who has been playing since childhood. On the blue team, Sharleen uses her face to block the ball and thinks JP is super hot. After a red win, he invites both teams to join him for some post-game cocktails overlooking the fields so that no one has to have the ‘we lost and so are sent home’ sads.

“Reserved” Nikki joins JP and confesses she was worried about “getting hurt” coming onto the Bachelor, and that she isn’t a fan of the mostly “short conversations” they have. Take a number, Nikki. Juan Pablo assures Nikki that he’s into her, and they hug it out.

Sneaking off to a deserted kitchen together, the chemistry between JP and our Assistant District Attorney we’ve seen since week one is on overdrive, and a high pony-tailed Andi confesses that shit got real for her on the soccer date. They seal their chat with a smooch. She may have lost at soccer but Andi certainly feels “like a winner now.”

Meanwhile, Elise and Chelsie are eagerly awaiting a date card, which ultimately goes to Chelsie, much to Elise’s surprise.

Back on the group date, Sharleen is certainly warming to our “smooth” Bachelor after a rocky start. JP likes her “class” and they agree their connection is very “organic”. Juan Pablo moves in for a kiss that turns into a steamy makeout witnessed by the other ladies. Andi is bummed. She thought she had an “in” for the rose after their kitchen connection, but her faith is shaken when she spots JP making out with Sharleen. Turns out one doesn’t have to lock lips with this Bachelor to secure a date rose: it goes to Nikki.

The next day, Chelsie ventures out with Juan Pablo for their one-on-one date. In the car, they groove to some Venezuelan music. Later they stroll hand-in-hand to a Venezuelan café for lunch. After chowing down on various delicacies, JP leads her to a tandem ankle bungee jump site off a bridge (of course).

[Sidenote: There should be a rule about bungee jumping after eating. But if it were me I’d be cool because I’m really good at upside down vomiting. Fact.].

A ‘high dive on crack,” according to ‘Science Educator’ Chelsie. She inevitably panics (she “hates edges” after all) and tears up, but is soothed by JP’s comforting whispers and also maybe a scooch bullied by his request of “just do it for me”. He does tell her it’s ok to bail and they back up from the platform, but she changes her mind (perhaps because he makes her feel like his “#1 priority) and they go for it. I am ever-so-grateful that Chelsie doesn’t launch into a “jumping as a metaphor for falling in love” speech…..ah fuck it there it is. Spoke to soon. Clever producers, waiting until AFTER the jump. I appreciate their upside-down makeout session though.

Following their jump for love, they reconnect for a romantic dinner inside Pasadena City Hall. I didn’t expect JP and Chelsie to have this strong of a romantic connection. JP admits his biggest fear is not being a good example to his daughter Camila and thinks Chelsie is wife material for sure.

Back at the house, Elise is bitching to Kat about Chelsie, saying she’s too young to be a “candidate”. She’s 24. Elise is 27. Kat gives her a ‘bitch, please’ nod.

Chelsie is hoping for the date rose and after complimenting JP’s upside-down kissing prowess, she is rewarded (the cherry on the sundae of apparently the “best day” of her life). Oh honey.

But the date’s not over yet, because some other country singer [Billy Currington(?) according to Chelsie] has arrived to serenade them. I truly never knew there were this many singers of this particular genre until I started watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Bright and early (apparently) the next morning, Juan Pablo sneaks into the Estrogen Palace to make a Venezuelan breakfast and surprise the ladies. He seems very keen to see them without makeup on. Very keen. Perhaps to suss out the au naturel beauties from the natural uggos.

Kelly is the first to venture downstairs so that she can take her dog Molly for a walk. She’s mortified that JP is seeing her without her “face on”. She ventures back upstairs to warn the other ladies that a penis is in their midst so mascara up ladies! Renee (either not warned or not caring) joins JP in the kitchen, morning breath and all. Then Danielle (who I completely had forgotten about!) and Clare (who looks great in PJs, according to Juan Pablo) appear. Soon, the kitchen is full of ladies mowing down on a Venezuelan breakfast.

JP assumes the role of Chris Harrison and announces that they will be cancelling that evening’s pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and will have a pool party instead. JP’s harem oils up to lounge by the pool. Juan Pablo arrives, flings off his shirt like it’s HIS JOB, and dives into the pool. “This is a great day to be The Bachelor,” says Captain Obvious.

Kat perches atop JP’s shoulders in the pool, eliciting jealous stares. Kelly feels that Kat is “trying too hard” and calls Kat a whore (oooh….claws are coming out). But Kat doesn’t give a shit what the other ladies think because she gets a massage from JP out of it. Sharleen isn’t feeling uber confident about her chances at the rose ceremony that evening, and is questioning if she’s the right type of girl for him. When they get some time together, she complains about the cameras in her face and starts to cry. Ugh this girl is all over the place. A comforting hug turns into a not-so-private kiss that JP cuts off rather abruptly (likely not wanting to tick off an army of sunbathing ladies nearby), prompting Sharleen to label him a “tease”. Unfortunately, hairstylist Clare can’t take the heat and she retreats to the bathroom to mope, and as per usual Renee is there to cheer her up. Clare is upset that she hasn’t really spent any quality time with JP since going on the first one-on-one a week and a half ago (which is like 6 months in Bachelor time). She eventually sits down with JP and swears she’s not jealous (cough yeah right cough). At the end of it, Clare feels “reassured”.

At the rose ceremony, Danielle gets the last rose; thus, Christy and a surprisingly emotional Lucy are the unlucky in love ladies sent packing. Nothing shocking there. So far the eliminations have been pretty predictable.

I feel like I’m still waiting for this season to get interesting, you know? Until next week.