Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode four of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 23, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about his actions with Bouncy Castle Straddler™ Corinne. “It was enough to question if you’re looking for a wife,” Vanessa tells our Bachelor, of witnessing his behaviour with the mansion’s early villain during the pool party. To his credit, Nick tells Vanessa he cares about what she thinks, but implores her to “try and be a little more patient.” Corinne, meanwhile, is all about the naps these days and keeps retreating to her room to hide. Taylor and Sarah try and talk some sense into her. Corinne responds that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and insists that in this situation she’s “not privileged.” For the first time, Corinne is going into a rose ceremony without a rose. Oh calamity!

Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it’s time for another rose ceremony, and in his pep talk with Nick he asks him about Corinne “rubbing the girls the wrong way.” The problem is more that she rubs Nick’s junk in bouncy castles. When all is said and done, the final rose of the night goes to Corinne (duh), resulting in a “shocked” Christen and “single for so long” Brittany being sent home. Corinne decides this is the time to make a little speech/pep talk to the remaining women that no one even pretends to listen to because they’re all sick of her “mean girl vibe.” Shit’s about to get – wait for it – dramatic.

The women are instructed by Chris to pack their bags for a #journey. First stop: Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SO EXOTIC YOU GUYS! The ladies panic pack and charge out of the mansion with the speed and determination I reserve for office birthday cake announcements.

Nick joins his parents in Milwaukee and they talk about love and connecting and hope. “My hope is that there’s one relationship that will outshine the rest,” Nick announces. His dad responds “we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Ha.

The first one-on-one date of the week goes to a very giggly Danielle L. Nick admits that he had instant physical chemistry with Danielle, but they haven’t really had a chance to chat much so he brings her on a walk around his town. They pop into a bakery and look at ‘Nick-er-doodle’ cookies (don’t ask) and then they ‘run into’ one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. The ex, Amber (of course), gives some lame perspective on why Nick is still single in order to prove they are still on good terms. The whole thing is so staged and fake that even I have trouble paying attention and I once lost an entire weekend to a Kardashian marathon. Willingly. Nick and Danielle cop a squat in the park, and he confesses to once making a girl locker shelves in high school to get a kiss. Collectively: awwwwww.

Over cocktails that evening, Nick comments that Danielle is very put together and he’s curious as to whether she’s ever grocery shopped in sweatpants or had an embarrassing moment. The answer to both is yes. I would’ve killed that answer! Most of my embarrassing moments happen while I’m wearing sweatpants at the grocery store. Usually in the frozen foods aisle for some reason or near the samples booth. Danielle reminisces about her parents (pre-divorce) and comments that their split was hard for her because they were so affectionate and cute and the divorce came as a surprise. Nick gives her the date rose. I enjoy Danielle but the date lacked substance and she spent most of it laughing and giving one-word responses. I have to hope that her nerves got to her because she seems super awesome.

Meanwhile, a group date card arrives and the only name not called – and therefore the woman going on the next one-on-one date with Nick – is Raven. Not Corinne.

Back on their date, a concert by some bro-handsome country singer whose name I can’t be assed to google is tonight’s date ‘surprise.’ Nick and Danielle slow dance and kiss in front of a concert full of strangers. “We made a connection that is hard to explain,” our Bachelor gushes.

The next day’s group date is all ‘fun-on-the-farm’ themed and (most of) the women momentarily forget the fact that everything smells like poop when they find Nick bottle-feeding milk to baby cows. Corinne, however, is far from wooed. The head farmer/cow barista shows the women how to feed the cows and shovel poop. Corinne is not a fan of farm chores, and because she’s basically a saint she says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel “shovel poopie”.  Oh, had you forgotten Corinne has a nanny? She bails and complains about needing sushi while the other women make clever poop puns about her behaviour.

During the evening portion of the group date, Nick and Kristina connect while Corinne complains that she’s simply misunderstood. Vanessa presents Nick with a book that her students made for him, and it’s cuter than a box of puppies. Corinne addresses the other women in a ‘we’re all in this together’ way and Sarah is weirdly angry about Corinne taking a nap during last week’s rose ceremony. “Abraham Lincoln took naps!” Corinne proclaims. I have to say, watching Corinne imitate the uproar over her nap is kind of hilarious. More this Corinne, less straddler/sex predator, please. There’s also some talk about her maturity and Nick being older. Um, these girls are all like 24 so let’s just breeze past that one. Kristina approaches Corinne kindly and with concern about her ability to handle the reality of maybe being engaged to Nick at the end of this. Corinne claims that her avoidance of the rose ceremony last week was due to a panic attack, while her bailing on the cow chores was due to a “serious medical condition” of her hand cramping. Her new strategy is to get the group date rose by making Nick feel sorry for her because the other ladies have been giving her the “cold shoulder.” Nick was kind of the Corinne of Kaitlyn’s season (minus the whining, nanny and hair extensions), so he admires her ‘maturity’ in dealing with the drama. Ultimately, Corinne’s plan doesn’t work because Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina.

The last date of the week is with Raven. They meet up with Nick’s youngest sister Bella, whom we met on Kaitlyn’s season. Oh right, Nick is one of 8 kids or something? Insane. They watch Bella’s soccer game and he introduces Raven to his parents. That goes well, and they join Bella at the roller rink. Nick hams it up on the rink (he’s alarmingly good at this) while Bella and Raven chat. Bella is a fan, and it’s clear Nick is too as they skate around on what Nick calls one of his favourite dates. Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background which is amazing because I’ve been nostalgic for 1997 all day and no I didn’t even have to google the year that song came out.

Later that evening, Raven regales Nick with the story of catching her most recent ex cheating on her. She caught him full-on intercourse-ing with another woman. “I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat him in the head with it,” she laughs. That’s one of the lighter moments, but the story actually turns into a cute moment between them and it’s one of the best dates of the season. I didn’t anticipate Raven and Nick having such a strong connection but it’s definitely there. “If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued then they’re not worth my time,” she drawls. “It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself,” Nick responds. He finds her interesting and sassy and says Raven is someone that he’s going to keep his eye on. Raven accepts the date rose and confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love. I mean, that seems ridiculous to me but maybe she’s just super into dudes who can rollerskate? Last weekend I saw a dude rollerblading on my street and I actually shouted “WHY?!”at him. To each their own, I suppose.

It’s time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and according to Corinne, Taylor is acting very “attitude-y.” Taylor definitely has a hate-on for Corinne right now and is sooooo over her acting cuntingly (not a real word, but kind of perfect, no?). Danielle L. is the first to pull Nick aside, and this ruffles Taylor’s feathers because she already has a rose. So Taylor just hates everyone tonight, apparently. Taylor interrupts Danielle and Nick and cuddles up with him by the fire. The women start to turn on Taylor now, with Josephine suddenly on Team Corinne. BLACK IS WHITE. UP IS DOWN. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Corinne confronts Taylor, with Corinne calling her behaviour “disgusting.” “My concern is just not feeling confident that you are in a place to enter into a committed, romantic, healthy, fulfilling relationship,” Taylor starts. She states that she’s not sure Corinne has the “emotional intelligence” to be here. Corinne calls out Taylor for “feeling superior” to her when, according to Corinne, she shouldn’t. “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company…stop treating me like an idiot,” Corinne half-yells. “Taylor is the shit that I scooped in my shovel…I literally can’t even.”

Boom!

And that’s it for this week. A voiceover from Chris Harrison reveals that either Taylor or Corinne won’t be around after next week. Hit me up in the comments with your predictions!

Until next week.

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.

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Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day.