Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode four of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 23, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up this week with Vanessa confronting Nick about his actions with Bouncy Castle Straddler™ Corinne. “It was enough to question if you’re looking for a wife,” Vanessa tells our Bachelor, of witnessing his behaviour with the mansion’s early villain during the pool party. To his credit, Nick tells Vanessa he cares about what she thinks, but implores her to “try and be a little more patient.” Corinne, meanwhile, is all about the naps these days and keeps retreating to her room to hide. Taylor and Sarah try and talk some sense into her. Corinne responds that she’s not everyone’s “cup of tea” and insists that in this situation she’s “not privileged.” For the first time, Corinne is going into a rose ceremony without a rose. Oh calamity!

Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that it’s time for another rose ceremony, and in his pep talk with Nick he asks him about Corinne “rubbing the girls the wrong way.” The problem is more that she rubs Nick’s junk in bouncy castles. When all is said and done, the final rose of the night goes to Corinne (duh), resulting in a “shocked” Christen and “single for so long” Brittany being sent home. Corinne decides this is the time to make a little speech/pep talk to the remaining women that no one even pretends to listen to because they’re all sick of her “mean girl vibe.” Shit’s about to get – wait for it – dramatic.

The women are instructed by Chris to pack their bags for a #journey. First stop: Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. SO EXOTIC YOU GUYS! The ladies panic pack and charge out of the mansion with the speed and determination I reserve for office birthday cake announcements.

Nick joins his parents in Milwaukee and they talk about love and connecting and hope. “My hope is that there’s one relationship that will outshine the rest,” Nick announces. His dad responds “we don’t want to see you on this show again.” Ha.

The first one-on-one date of the week goes to a very giggly Danielle L. Nick admits that he had instant physical chemistry with Danielle, but they haven’t really had a chance to chat much so he brings her on a walk around his town. They pop into a bakery and look at ‘Nick-er-doodle’ cookies (don’t ask) and then they ‘run into’ one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. The ex, Amber (of course), gives some lame perspective on why Nick is still single in order to prove they are still on good terms. The whole thing is so staged and fake that even I have trouble paying attention and I once lost an entire weekend to a Kardashian marathon. Willingly. Nick and Danielle cop a squat in the park, and he confesses to once making a girl locker shelves in high school to get a kiss. Collectively: awwwwww.

Over cocktails that evening, Nick comments that Danielle is very put together and he’s curious as to whether she’s ever grocery shopped in sweatpants or had an embarrassing moment. The answer to both is yes. I would’ve killed that answer! Most of my embarrassing moments happen while I’m wearing sweatpants at the grocery store. Usually in the frozen foods aisle for some reason or near the samples booth. Danielle reminisces about her parents (pre-divorce) and comments that their split was hard for her because they were so affectionate and cute and the divorce came as a surprise. Nick gives her the date rose. I enjoy Danielle but the date lacked substance and she spent most of it laughing and giving one-word responses. I have to hope that her nerves got to her because she seems super awesome.

Meanwhile, a group date card arrives and the only name not called – and therefore the woman going on the next one-on-one date with Nick – is Raven. Not Corinne.

Back on their date, a concert by some bro-handsome country singer whose name I can’t be assed to google is tonight’s date ‘surprise.’ Nick and Danielle slow dance and kiss in front of a concert full of strangers. “We made a connection that is hard to explain,” our Bachelor gushes.

The next day’s group date is all ‘fun-on-the-farm’ themed and (most of) the women momentarily forget the fact that everything smells like poop when they find Nick bottle-feeding milk to baby cows. Corinne, however, is far from wooed. The head farmer/cow barista shows the women how to feed the cows and shovel poop. Corinne is not a fan of farm chores, and because she’s basically a saint she says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel “shovel poopie”.  Oh, had you forgotten Corinne has a nanny? She bails and complains about needing sushi while the other women make clever poop puns about her behaviour.

During the evening portion of the group date, Nick and Kristina connect while Corinne complains that she’s simply misunderstood. Vanessa presents Nick with a book that her students made for him, and it’s cuter than a box of puppies. Corinne addresses the other women in a ‘we’re all in this together’ way and Sarah is weirdly angry about Corinne taking a nap during last week’s rose ceremony. “Abraham Lincoln took naps!” Corinne proclaims. I have to say, watching Corinne imitate the uproar over her nap is kind of hilarious. More this Corinne, less straddler/sex predator, please. There’s also some talk about her maturity and Nick being older. Um, these girls are all like 24 so let’s just breeze past that one. Kristina approaches Corinne kindly and with concern about her ability to handle the reality of maybe being engaged to Nick at the end of this. Corinne claims that her avoidance of the rose ceremony last week was due to a panic attack, while her bailing on the cow chores was due to a “serious medical condition” of her hand cramping. Her new strategy is to get the group date rose by making Nick feel sorry for her because the other ladies have been giving her the “cold shoulder.” Nick was kind of the Corinne of Kaitlyn’s season (minus the whining, nanny and hair extensions), so he admires her ‘maturity’ in dealing with the drama. Ultimately, Corinne’s plan doesn’t work because Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina.

The last date of the week is with Raven. They meet up with Nick’s youngest sister Bella, whom we met on Kaitlyn’s season. Oh right, Nick is one of 8 kids or something? Insane. They watch Bella’s soccer game and he introduces Raven to his parents. That goes well, and they join Bella at the roller rink. Nick hams it up on the rink (he’s alarmingly good at this) while Bella and Raven chat. Bella is a fan, and it’s clear Nick is too as they skate around on what Nick calls one of his favourite dates. Sixpence None The Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background which is amazing because I’ve been nostalgic for 1997 all day and no I didn’t even have to google the year that song came out.

Later that evening, Raven regales Nick with the story of catching her most recent ex cheating on her. She caught him full-on intercourse-ing with another woman. “I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat him in the head with it,” she laughs. That’s one of the lighter moments, but the story actually turns into a cute moment between them and it’s one of the best dates of the season. I didn’t anticipate Raven and Nick having such a strong connection but it’s definitely there. “If someone can’t value me the way I should be valued then they’re not worth my time,” she drawls. “It sounds like you learned a lot about yourself,” Nick responds. He finds her interesting and sassy and says Raven is someone that he’s going to keep his eye on. Raven accepts the date rose and confesses in her private interview that she’s falling in love. I mean, that seems ridiculous to me but maybe she’s just super into dudes who can rollerskate? Last weekend I saw a dude rollerblading on my street and I actually shouted “WHY?!”at him. To each their own, I suppose.

It’s time for another pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and according to Corinne, Taylor is acting very “attitude-y.” Taylor definitely has a hate-on for Corinne right now and is sooooo over her acting cuntingly (not a real word, but kind of perfect, no?). Danielle L. is the first to pull Nick aside, and this ruffles Taylor’s feathers because she already has a rose. So Taylor just hates everyone tonight, apparently. Taylor interrupts Danielle and Nick and cuddles up with him by the fire. The women start to turn on Taylor now, with Josephine suddenly on Team Corinne. BLACK IS WHITE. UP IS DOWN. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Corinne confronts Taylor, with Corinne calling her behaviour “disgusting.” “My concern is just not feeling confident that you are in a place to enter into a committed, romantic, healthy, fulfilling relationship,” Taylor starts. She states that she’s not sure Corinne has the “emotional intelligence” to be here. Corinne calls out Taylor for “feeling superior” to her when, according to Corinne, she shouldn’t. “I’m not an idiot, I run a multi-million dollar company…stop treating me like an idiot,” Corinne half-yells. “Taylor is the shit that I scooped in my shovel…I literally can’t even.”

Boom!

And that’s it for this week. A voiceover from Chris Harrison reveals that either Taylor or Corinne won’t be around after next week. Hit me up in the comments with your predictions!

Until next week.

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode three of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 16, 2017).

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers! It’s Monday night, and that means dates, drama and a dose of nostalgia thrown in (more on that later). Let’s dive in, shall we?

Last week we were left in a bit of a cliffhanger, with Nick sending his deja-bang Liz home. This episode kicks off with the rose ceremony, and Nick confesses their history to his dwindling pack of girlfriends. “I wanted to focus on what’s here and say goodbye to that,” Nick declares, awkwardly. While he chats cutely with Vanessa, the other women talk about being “blindsided” by the news. Nick tells Kristina that he worried about Liz’s motives, and divulges to Danielle L. that he was worried about how she would handle learning that him and Liz had a past and adds that he’s a “big fan” of hers. Overall, the ladies – for the most part – seem pretty understanding after Nick has all his one-on-one discussions. Corinne decides it’s time to “turn on the sex charm” and demonstrate the “it factor” that makes her so popular with the menfolk. Luckily, she packed a short trench coat and procured a can of whipped cream (product placement?) for this very purpose.

When they get their alone time, Nick calls Corinne a “treat” and licks whipped cream off her clavicle. For her part, Corinne laughs and buries her head in Nick’s lap. Three times. “I love that Corinne feels very comfortable with her sexuality,” Nick says, but he puts a stop to things claiming he doesn’t want Corinne to get herself in trouble.  They are mercifully interrupted by Jasmine, and Corinne slinks away to sob. Cue the collective eye roll. Corinne misses the rose ceremony (she already has a rose so is safe from elimination this week) to nap off her tears. Nick’s face at discovering her absence from the rose ceremony is 100% unimpressed, stating in his voiceover that her decision could “blow up in her face.” Insert obvious joke here.

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Corinne’s inspiration

After all the roses are handed out (shoutout to Alexis for saying “move, bitches” when her name is called), Hailey and Lacey are sent home.

The next morning, host Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion and jokes that Corinne looks rested. He leaves the date card after causing a frenzy by promising this will be one of the best group dates ever. The card simply reads “everybody” and the women, like, IMMEDIATELY guess that it’s going to involve the Backstreet Boys and THEN THE BACKSTREET BOYS WALK IN AND OH MY GOD I AM DYING AND THEY SING A FEW BARS OF ‘I WANT IT THAT WAY’ AND I MAY HAVE TEARED UP A TINY BIT AND I WOULD HAVE THROWN MY BODY AT KEVIN’S BODY EVEN THOUGH HE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD NOW #kevinforever.

It turns out there’s one thing Corinne doesn’t think she is amazing at: dancing. Spoiler alert: she is correct. The Backstreet Boys run the women through dance rehearsal. The best dancer will get to go up on stage with Nick and be serenaded at their concert later that night. Professional dancer Jasmine picks up the routine with ease and Danielle L. holds her own. Let’s be honest: most women between the ages of 25-40 know the Backstreet’s Back dance, right? If not, I honestly have no clue what y’all were doing at slumber parties in the 90s. Corinne does not like not being good at things, and she bolts from the room to cry because, by her own confession, she doesn’t feel pretty on this date and is worried Nick will send her home. She holds it together for the live show though, and does a way better job than I could’ve done. It’s not enough to win best dancer though: that goes to Danielle L. who gets to slow dance/make out with our Bachelor on stage while BSB serenades them with “I Want It That Way.” Dead! Corinne is devastated to watch this. Clearly, she did not want it that way. “I always want to be the centre of Nick’s attention,” she whines.

During the evening portion of the group date, Corinne is the first to pull Nick aside for a solo chat and pretends that she had fun dancing during their choreography date which she calls “planned dancing.” Nick and Danielle L. share a cute moment and a dance while Corinne spills to the other ladies that she has a nanny. For herself. Her nanny Raquel wakes her up in the morning and makes her breakfast (and her bed). And salads. With just the right amount lemon dressing. And cuts up her vegetables. I know what you’re all thinking and yes, Raquel is probably an angel.

The date rose ultimately goes to Danielle L., which Corinne surprisingly doesn’t freak out about because she tells herself that Nick couldn’t give her two date roses in a row as that would put a target on her back. She saves her freak-out for missing Raquel. Girl, I feel you. If I had a Raquel who did everything for me I would miss her too. Who is doing Corinne’s laundry and cutting up her cucumber slices and making her favourite ‘cheese pasta’ at the mansion?!?! I hope we can all sleep tonight, with this weighing on us. I bet Raquel is amazing at tucking Corinne into bed at night.

The next day Nick and the lovely Vanessa embark on a one-on-one date that involves experiencing zero gravity. They float and kiss and it’s all fun and games ’til someone vomits in a bag. That someone is Vanessa. Nick is not disturbed in the slightest, and is very sweet and attentive to her. Despite her puking, they still kiss. As a person who vomited so much at work for so many years that the cleaning staff left me a concerned note*, I appreciate Nick’s casual attitude towards nausea. Later on their date, Nick and Vanessa bond over their close family ties and we learn that Vanessa’s grandfather passed away a few weeks before she came on the show. She tells Nick that one of the things she really liked about him was seeing his close relationship with his mother on Andi’s season of The Bachelorette. An emotional Nick is clearly smitten with Vanessa and presents her with the date rose.

The next group date finds Nick and his dates out on the track, training with some legit Olympic athletes. Astrid quickly realizes she is not as…err…supported as she should be. Her boobs be flying all over the damn track. I wonder if she gets an employee discount at the plastic surgery clinic she works at? Sweet, albeit mostly-invisible-before-this-week, Dominique worries that she may be at a disadvantage to connect with Nick because of her quieter personality. Tits McGee wins coveted hot tub time with Nick despite coming in last in a three-way race (don’t ask) while Dominique unravels.

Later, Rachel gives  Dominique a sweet pep talk to help her focus on making the most of her time with Nick. When they have a chance to chat alone, Dominique says she doesn’t feel he gave her a ‘fair shot’ during the group date. “I don’t want to string anyone along,” Nick hedges, and sends her home. The group date rose goes to Rachel, who is amazing. Full stop.

The following day, Chris announces that in lieu of the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party there will be a pool party instead. The women prepare by doing squats and lotioning up and almost throw a fit when Nick dares show up wearing a shirt. That problem is quickly solved (thanks god). Not to be out-bikini’d by the other women, Corinne hints that she has something up her sleeve to make our Bachelor feel special today. Corinne, that’s not where you keep your vagina (is it?). She pulls Nick into a bouncy castle and pins him to the floor. He appreciates her “fun and playful” nature and manages not to vomit like Vanessa when Corinne starts in with the baby talk.

Raven divulges to Nick that Corinne has a nanny and “doesn’t even know how to wash a spoon,” while Taylor (who never hesitates to speak her mind) and Vanessa tell Nick that the women have concerns about Corinne’s behaviour and are questioning his intentions. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions,” states Vanessa. Cut to me slow clapping.

And that’s where we leave things this week.

What are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick hasty in sending Dominique home? While he finally send Corinne packing if it means losing the chance to run at Vanessa? Hit me up in the comments.

*Not because I was a hungover bag of dicks that often (with the exception of summer 2010, the memory of which still makes my liver ping) but due to then-undiagnosed food allergies. Who the fuck is allergic to corn and anything with corn syrup in it? This girl. And yes, I do miss popcorn and think about it every day. Every. Day. 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Two

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.

Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a group date. The women arrive in a parade of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets dressed up as brides, bridesmaids, and something – in Brittany’s case – that involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.

Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.

SIDEBAR: HIRE ME BACHELOR SHOW I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING DATE IDEAS LIKE EATING A DOZEN DONUTS IN SILENCE WHILE MAINTAINING HARD EYE CONTACT WITH MY DATE AND ALSO GETTING DAY DRUNK AND NAPPING ON ALL THE BEDS AT IKEA.™

Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.

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Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne returns to the women after her first interrupting and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.

Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang – we found out in week one that they hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the adorable Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”

In a hot tub.

On a yacht.

Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle opens up to Nick about her fiancé dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”) arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.

The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch. A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz and seems a bit nervous. Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).

After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in four boring ways, one painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff. Aside from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they hooked up. Ruh roh.

As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen (it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue – he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.

Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!

And that’s where we leave things.

So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.

Back  next week.

Recap: The Bachelor – Week One

Photo source: abc.com

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 2, 2017).

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers! I look forward to bringing you recaps of the inevitable emotional roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelor. Let’s dive right in and get re-acquainted with our Bachelor Nick, shall we?

 

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Bachelor Nick Viall. Photo source: enstarz.com

 

So, Nick isn’t new. He’s basically a Bachelor world veteran at this point. His #journey started a few years ago when he made it to the final two of Andi Dorfman’s season and was dumped before he could get down on one knee. Fast forward to the next Bachelorette – Kaitlyn Bristowe. Nick was a bit of a late addition to her season, joining a few weeks in. He had met Kaitlyn at some Bachelor social before she was announced as the next Bachelorette (I imagine it was Vegas-themed for some reason) and decided they had enough of a connection that he needed to pursue her on national television. He made it to the final two once again – this time he did propose (sorta) but was insta-rejected by our Bachelorette. Down but not out, Nick showed up on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise. After a brief showmance with single mom Amanda he seemed to have found his match in Jen, but ultimately he didn’t propose (proving that people can change) and was announced as the next Bachelor while that show was still airing. Full disclosh (not a real word, you’ll learn to love it): I’m a huge Nick Viall fan. He’s adorable, funny, smart and is, like, really good dresser. I basically want to live in a pile of his cardigans. He’s 36 and from Milwaukee, Wisconsin and I bet his neck smells great.

First we’re treated to a bro-down with Nick and former Bachelors Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins. They’re all “we didn’t really like you on Andi’s season but we like you know dude.” Ben tells Nick to just be himself. I have an alternate suggestion: never wear a shirt. What? Nick has a banging body. Sorry not sorry. I hope there are some awesome women in his bunch who can keep up with Nick. He’s pretty bright and the dude wears the fuck out of a 3-piece suit. If I were a contestant, I’d throw my body at his body and hope for the best. Actually, who am I kidding? I’d hyperventilate in the limo and then bail and hit an In-N-Out burger or something.

Amongst this season’s women there is a French Canadian, a salon owner, a nursing student, a boutique owner who goes ‘mudding’, a soft spoken neonatal nurse, and a bridesmaid from Bachelor in Paradise’s success couple Jade and Tanner’s wedding who got drunk with Nick that night and banged him but didn’t give him her number because.. umm…. BECAUSE WHY DUMB DUMB?

It’s time for limo arrivals. They must have thrown a spider into a few of them because these women are actually screaming. Nick and host Chris Harrison share a tender “welcome back” moment. Nick is wearing an amazing polka dot tie and Chris pretends not to notice and instead is all “you were a controversial choice for Bachelor.” Nick is ready to find love and it’s just in the..err..nick of time because the women arrive.

Salon owner Danielle L. is the first out of the limo and Nick looks pleased as punch. Elizabeth – a marketing manager from Texas – is “soooo glad” that Nick is our Bachelor. There’s a possibly insane wedding videographer named Christen who is thrilled that Nick is very tall in person. Mental health counsellor Taylor makes a good first impression until she opens her mouth and blurts out that all of her friends casually refer to Nick as a “piece of shit” (yes, she told him this). There’s a model named Angela who seems quite lovely.  Sassy Sarah is tickled to find food awaiting her in the mansion (spirit animal!) and a spunky gal named Ida Marie does a trust fall with our Bachelor. When our favourite bridesmaid (and doula, cool!) Elizabeth “Liz” shows up she suspects Nick doesn’t remember her (and claims she’s cool with that) but he reveals to Chris Harrison that he thinks he met her at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. Corinne  gets a “she’s cute” from Nick and Frenchie Vanessa wows him as well. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. arrives with homemade syrup and they have a very sweet exchange (see what I did there? It’s ok to groan). Alexis shows up in a shark costume but THINKS SHE IS A DOLPHIN (yes, I’m shouting).

Nick enters the mansion after meeting his 30 ladies and says some stuff about being normal in an abnormal world or whatever who cares he’s so handsome. We enter the portion of night one where Nick starts to have some one-on-one time with his girlfriends. He really connects with lawyer Rachel, Danielle L. and Vanessa. Corinne gets the first kiss of the night, which obviously doesn’t annoy the other women at.all (sarcasm). Wait until they hear she referred to him as Nickelodeon (no!). The women are all gorgeous, are mostly wearing red dresses, and look like they promote sunglasses and meal delivery services on Instagram.

While Nick gets to know, well, everyone, Jasmine G. earns the title of First Crier. She’s emotional over “the environment” of the house. Shark girl Alexis still thinks she’s a dolphin and jumps in the pool and then Nick breaks it to her that she is dressed as a shark. “That’s a concern,” Nick deadpans. While chatting with Liz, Nick confesses he totes remembers meeting herat Jade and Tanner’s wedding (that explains the “weird look”, she responds). “I remember being very intrigued by you,” Nick tells her, and adds that he was bummed when she wouldn’t give him her digits, post-coitus. After all, she could’ve just asked Jade for his number if she really wanted to stay in touch. Liz says that after she saw Nick on Bachelor in Paradise her impression of him changed and her “stereotype” of him disappeared. That conversation ends abruptly, and Liz worries that Nick may send her packing. Later, he tells Chris that their conversation wasn’t the best and their connection is on “shakey ground.” I guess it may seem suspect that she didn’t want to stay in touch with him after they hooked up but suddenly he’s The Bachelor and here she is? I actually hope he keeps Liz around because she seems pretty cool and down-to-earth.

The First Impression Rose (FIR – I like acronyms, you’ll adapt) makes its first appearance, and the girl who forced Nick to eat a raw hot dog with him Lady-and-the-Tramp style hopes it doesn’t go to Corinne: “It’s a bold move to kiss someone on the first night.” So is giving someone food poisoning. Neonatal nurse Danielle M. is just so gosh darned sweet but it isn’t enough to land her the FIR which goes to Rachel. Our Bachelor tells Rachel he was immediately taken by her “aura and presence” and she accepts his rose “100%.” They kiss and hold hands a bit and it’s pretty cute.

Once the roses are handed out, Shark-Dolphin is safe. So is the girl who kept telling Nick that all her friends think he’s THE WORST. And Liz is safe too, proving that it is always a good idea to bed down after weddings because that guy may be the Bachelor one day.

Lauren and Angela and Briana and some other red dresses are sent home.

And that’s it for week one. What are your thoughts? Did any of your initial favourites get sent home? Hit me up in the comments.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week!

Recap: The Bachelor – After The Final Rose

SPOILERS AHEAD.

 

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We head straight from Ben’s proposal to Lauren B. into the After the Final Rose special. Live in studio, Ben and host Chris Harrison talk about his struggle with being in love with both Lauren and JoJo. Ben has no regrets telling both Lauren and JoJo that he loved them. “I tried to be as honest as possible and it led me to Lauren…I can’t regret that,” Ben says.

Oh god, what did they do with JoJo’s parents who were there backstage in case Ben picked JoJo and they got married on TV? Did someone quietly hand JoJo’s mom a bottle of champs and usher them out the back into a waiting limousine?

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JoJo’s mom during hometown dates

JoJo joins Ben on stage and he tells her he will “never regret” having her as part of his life. JoJo seems poised and calm and, dare I say happy? “It was gut wrenching watching that, but it helped me to see that it was hard for you too,” JoJo admits. She is all class wishing Ben and Lauren the best and saying how wonderful Lauren is. Now I’ll have the super sads if JoJo isn’t the next Bachelorette. She’s so lovely. Whyyyyy is Chris Harrison hinting that it’s not necessarily who we think?

Back from commercial break, JoJo says that life right after Jamaica was spent at home doing a lot of reflecting and thinking. “Watching back helped me a lot,” she confirms. “There’s a very big difference between the way he looked at Lauren and the way he looked at me,” JoJo says, echoing everyone on Twitter for the last 10 weeks. She asks Ben what the deciding factor for him was. “My desire was to stay open,” Ben says, “but as I started to really let myself feel things, I couldn’t picture my life without Lauren.” JoJo says she will always have a special place in her heart for Ben but adds that she’s moved on and has found peace and, again, is super happy for Lauren and Ben because they’re amazing people. No joke it’s the loveliest After the Final Rose runner-up face-to-face  ever.

PSYCH! The new Bachelorette *is* JoJo. Fuck, Chris Harrison even gestured towards off stage as if someone was going to walk out but then pointed right back at JoJo. The studio audience loses their damn minds. I may have shouted YASSSSSSSS at my TV. JoJo for Bachelorette! I’m going to watch the shit out of that season.

Lauren joins Ben on stage, where she says that she wasn’t “blindsided” by anything she saw on the show because the night after they got engaged Ben told her everything that had happened between him and JoJo. “Smart man,” Chris chuckles. “I was surprised but I wasn’t surprised,” Lauren says, of learning about Ben’s feelings for JoJo. They’re clearly super happy together and Lauren is full of sparkle and personality tonight. And wearing a white dress. Hmm…

Lauren confirms she is moving to Denver to be with Ben and she says she doesn’t want a long engagement. Bachelor superfan, late night host Jimmy Kimmel stands up in the crowd and asks them “what happens in the Fantasy Suite” (demonstrated with Barbies both clothed and naked).

That wedding Chris Harrison has been teasing all night? They bring out the Pastor but Ben says they owe it to each other to do a big wedding with all of their friends and family. Instead, Ben surprises Lauren with the news that her parents have been backstage and he calls them out and re- proposes.

Ben thanks Bachelor Nation for being supportive during a really `weird`season. And that`s it for another season of The Bachelor. Swoon!

Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – ‘Women Tell All’

Howdy rose lovers,

As per tradition, between the week that our Bachelor Ben Higgins narrows the herd down from three women to two after overnight “fantasy suite” dates/scheduled intercourse and the week where, likely, a proposal happens, it’s the Women Tell All! This is when former contestants get together on one stage, many attempting to reclaim their 15 minutes of fame while everyone typically gangs up on one or two recently departed contestants.

Here are some highlights from the episode:

  • Host Chris Harrison reminds us that this season featured the most women to ever tell a Bachelor they love him, and the first time a Bachelor has told the final two women (JoJo and Lauren) that he loves them
  • Chris and Ben do some surprise drop-ins on Bachelor viewing parties – one house has their babies in Mrs. Higgins onesies and scoreboards with the women’s photos
  • In another house, Ben is greeted by 40 bouncy ladies who should be panicking that their Ben shrines will come off more “creepy” than “superfan” – their journals will hear A LOT about this night
  • Ben admits that one year ago he was on Tinder! Cue 80,000 more women joining Tinder!
  • Olivia has cut her hair but still won’t close her mouth
  • Did they slip a few bonus Lauren’s in there to eff with us? #somanylaurens
  • A chicken named Sheila steals the show (reminding us that early-offed contestant Tiara was a “chicken enthusiast”)
  • Amongst the season’s “villain’s” (Olivia, Lace, Leah and Jubilee), I thought Olivia would get the most hate but there’s a lot of cut eye and negative comments aimed towards Leah right off the bat
  • Amber’s face looks different – really different (nose?)
  • Allegedly, Jubilee made comments during taping around going the farthest on the show as a ‘true’ black woman (thus angering biracial angels Amber and Jami) but she claims those allegations are false(ish)
  •  I still love Jubilee (who remains in the military and just made Sergeant) and she speaks very well in her one-on-one with Chris Harrison, admitting she spent too much time “over-thinking” things during her time on the show
  • Lace is in good spirits watching the recap of her time on the show, which was definitely cringe-worthy and borderline crazypants
  • Lace claims that after watching herself back on the show she has made some major life changes (including cutting down on using the word “crazy”)
  • Speaking of crazy, a random (and obviously planted) dude in the crowd shouts out during Lace’s couch time with Chris Harrison to say that she may be crazy but she’s crazy beautiful and shows off his tattoo of Lace’s face on his ribs (the eff?) and then goes on stage to get a photo with her during which Chris is all “we need better security” and “don’t actually touch her” but no, seriously, you need better security
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A Lace face tattoo on some nutjob’s ribcage

  • Chris convinces Lace to go on Bachelor in Paradise (probably because there’s security there to protect her from tattoo guy)
  • Chris really earns his paycheque tonight acting as host, therapist and bodyguard
  • Olivia feels that it’s unfair that the women all shit-talked her during taping instead of coming right to her to hash out issues like they did more with Jubilee
  • Sweetie pie twins Emily and Haley call Olivia a bully for saying Ben should “run” from single mom Amanda and insinuating that the other women were sluts based on wardrobe choices
  • Olivia counters that she was severely bullied as a child and claims she is actually very much an introvert despite her public persona and job as a TV anchor (though she did say she finds the mouth jokes directed at her “funny”)
  • “There’s no way to know how to do this right. I did it wrong,” Olivia says – and surprisingly, Chris does not ask her to join Bachelor in Paradise
  • Second runner up and overall adorable gal (and Ben-anointed “sex panther”) Caila takes the hot seat after Olivia and says she still has strong feelings for Ben and that him not loving her back pretty much gutted her
  • Caila says that watching the show back it was helpful for her to see how Ben looked at JoJo and Lauren because she wants to meet someone who looks at her that way
  • “The most popular Bachelor in history” (definitely the most handsome) takes the stage and is visibly nervous
  • First thing’s first – Chris reminds Ben of the mess he is in having told two women that he loves them last week
  • Ben addresses Caila and hopes she knows how much their relationship meant to him
  • Amanda and Becca have nothing but the loveliest of lovely things to say about Ben, and he can still tell twins Emily and Haley apart (win!)
  • Ben confirms he is super in love (we find out next week if it’s with JoJo or Lauren) and would get married tomorrow (to Lauren, I’m guessing, leaving JoJo open to be the next Bachelorette!)
Come back next week to read my finale recap!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Eight

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 8 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 22, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome to hometown week, rose lovers! Ben is sitting on a rock, pants rolled up (wait, no, those are capris and I’m dying) watching the waves crash in Orange County. Pretty, slightly cartoon-voiced single mom Amanda runs towards him on the beach wearing very short shorts and some weird fabric pieces that I guess are supposed to equal a shirt?

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What is this shirt Amanda? Photo source: bustle.com

Her two little girls meet her on the beach for a sweet family reunion complete with pigtails, and the older one is all “where’s Ben?” and it’s cuter than a basket of puppies. The girls mostly ignore Ben and play in the sand and then they bond over sand sculptures and chase him around and then chase some birds. Things get real when the kids get fussy in the car ride home and they arrive at Amanda’s parents’ house looking slightly weary. Her folks seem very warm and welcoming but dad notes that Ben is a bit “deer in the headlights.” I think that’s just his face. Ben often looks like he’s trying to remember where he parked his car. When Ben sits down with Amanda’s mom for a chat he admits he hadn’t thought about an insta-family going into the Bachelor process but surprised himself by being totally open to it. Mom feels that Ben is quite mature but also says it’s too early to tell. Amanda’s dad points out that there’s a big difference between thinking about having kids and actually having kids. “If she’s happy, I’m happy,” he concludes. Later they read a Bachelor-themed goodnight story to the girls and part ways with a kiss. Amanda is now certain that she’s in love with Ben.

The next hometown date is in Portland with Lauren.‎ She’s wearing Portland-requisition plaid and brings him to some food trucks for lunch all boyfriend-girlfriend styles. Next stop is a whiskey library (THIS IS A THING!!?!!) which Ben loves. Ben confesses that he worried Lauren would bail on the show a few weeks back and she’s all ‘of course not!’ Lauren is in love with Ben but hasn’t told him yet. She’s waiting ’til after the fam jam. They arrive at Lauren’s family home where everyone is attractive and thrilled to see “LoLo.” Her sister is the first to grill Ben and is understandably skeptical. “What makes her stand out to you?” she wants to know, making Ben cry (points!) because he feels “so lucky” to have met Lauren. When the sisters gab it up we learn that Lauren hasn’t “been single for that long” but that she feels she was “meant to meet Ben” and is fairly certain that he is her person. They hug it out, wine glasses in hand (and don’t spill a drop!) and this is the first time in my life I wish I had a sister. Ben reveals to Lauren’s dad that the first time he saw her “the world stopped” but dad points out that although he felt the same way the first time he saw Lauren’s mom, they dated for a long time before getting married. Lauren describes Ben to her dad as super likable and he reminds her that she’s one of four women left. With this weighing on her, Lauren opts not tell Ben she loves him when they say their goodbyes.

Caila’s hometown date takes place in Iowa or Idaho or something like that and Ben describes their relationship as being on “the precipice.” Caila wants today to be a “fresh start” for them after some confusion on their last one-on-one in the Bahamas. They walk hand-in-hand looking like the couple that comes in the picture frame and eventually settle on a park bench to make out. ‎Caila can see a future with Ben, and brings him to a toy factory where they build their dream home out of plastic. Fun fact: her dad is the CEO of the company. In her crop sweater and hard hat, Ben never thought he would find a toy factory “so sexy” (which is a relief). To be honest, I had forgotten Caila was still in this but this date is great so far. He carries her through the factory while people clap awkwardly. Later, sitting in front of what looks like a delicious Filipino family dinner, Caila’s dad asks Ben what all the “microwave dating” feels like and describes his own marriage as “magical.” But before they can eat, mom Rosanna (totally pulling off adult braces) pulls Ben away. WHY DO YOU NEVER LET PEOPLE EAT ON THIS SHOW, BACHELOR PRODUCERS? Ben describes her as joyful and sweet and bubbly and appreciates that Caila has been real with him instead of just saying “the right things.” Mom says that Caila has very high standards and doesn’t take any moments for granted. She says this part very seriously as if Caila has been involved in a high number of life-or-death scenarios. Caila, meanwhile, tells her dad that Ben is what she’s been looking for and she thinks “this is it.” Mom encourages her to tell Ben how she feels about him. “Jump on him and tell him!” she giggles, but Caila doesn’t. Ben is 0/3 on the “I love you’s” this week.

In Dallas, Texas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find a bouquet of roses and card but they aren’t from Ben they are from her ex-boyfriend Chad. “No, I don’t want to read this,” she exclaims, dropping the card mid-sentence as if it’s on fire and pacing in her apartment in tears. She calls this Chad and puts him on speaker which seems an odd thing to do given that she could barely bring himself to read his letter. Chad claims it has taken this time apart to figure out what he wants (spoiler: it’s JoJo) which is just such a Chad thing to say. “Now you’re doing this?” she wails as Ben walks towards her front door and we hear Chad say “I don’t want to lose you.” D-R-A-M-A. I hope Chad is into getting dumped on TV. Cut to JoJo hanging up the phone and Ben knocking on the door. He can tell something is up because JoJo has obviously been crying and she tells him what’s what and fills in some details on what we didn’t see which was that JoJo put an end to things on the phone and told Chad he could shove it because this is the happiest she’s ever been. Both of them toss around the word “confident” and they kiss a bunch and I guess this is their day date (what a rip off!) because they head straight into the meet the family stuff. “Tonight I could potentially be meeting my future in-laws,” Ben says.

JoJo’s jacked brothers look like they would play cops or firefighters or handsome mobsters on TV.

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JoJo’s brothers – intimidating hot one and the other one who looks like he could be her dad

Ben tells her family that he has felt super comfortable around JoJo since the moment he met her and adds that he would be open to moving out of Denver for a relationship. The brothers corner him and Ben can really only say that she’s incredible and means a lot to him. JoJo gushes to her mom that she’s falling in love with Ben but is terrified to get hurt. Mom’s advice is to go 150% which, yeah, is not a thing but it’s a cute moment. “You’ve only been on two dates with the guy,” older brother reiterates, and suggests she keeps her “heart guarded.” JoJo is worried that unless she let’s herself be vulnerable and open it won’t work out, and the brothers aren’t sure that Ben is as emotionally invested in her as she is. They confront him directly en masse while mom drinks straight out of the bottle in the background. True story.

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I see you JoJo’s mom. Respect.

“I don’t want to hurt her,” Ben assures them but older brother is like a dog with a bone, adding that he knows Ben has “probably been coached” on what to say but he is worried that JoJo is way more emotional then they are comfortable seeing. Ben holds his own and dad and mom seem to be on his side. Where are they locking up JoJo through all this??? As they say their goodbyes JoJo is supercurious as to what her family said to him and Ben sums it up with basically: mom and dad were cool but your brothers thought I had a poker face on. Ben leaves Dallas confused and JoJo is worried he felt ambushed. 0/4.

SIDENOTE: You guys, the internet has found Chad and his face totally matches his name. I am too lazy to post a link so just google it.

It’s rose ceremony night and whoever gets sent home can at least blame their family for ruining all of their happiness because things were great until then, right? Ben acknowledges that hometowns were harder than he thought. The first rose goes to Lauren and the second to Caila. It’s down to mom Amanda or Jojo. Ultimately, JoJo gets the last rose of the night.

Amanda wishes Ben would have cut things off during hometowns instead of at a rose ceremony but he claims he wasn’t sure of his feelings until that night. Amanda tells him she will miss him and they have a long hug goodbye. I wouldn’t be surprised if we start hearing choruses of ‘Amanda for Bachelorette.’ “I do think he’s a great guy,” she cries in the Sad Gal Limo™ while back in the driveway Ben is doing some crying of his own. He breaks down saying he, like, can’t even right now because it means so much that Amanda trusted him to meet her daughters and he cared about her so much.

And that’s it for hometown week! I’m staying off Twitter because no doubt everyone is yelling at Ben for dumping Amanda but ultimately they really just didn’t have as strong a connection. Caila is the wildcard here, but unless something goes really wonky between Ben and JoJo next week it’s JoJo and Lauren for final two I think.

Hit me up in the comments with your thoughts on this episode, and join me here next week for my recap of the overnights! We’re down to three women!