Recap: The Bachelor – ‘Women Tell All’

Howdy rose lovers,

As per tradition, between the week that our Bachelor Ben Higgins narrows the herd down from three women to two after overnight “fantasy suite” dates/scheduled intercourse and the week where, likely, a proposal happens, it’s the Women Tell All! This is when former contestants get together on one stage, many attempting to reclaim their 15 minutes of fame while everyone typically gangs up on one or two recently departed contestants.

Here are some highlights from the episode:

  • Host Chris Harrison reminds us that this season featured the most women to ever tell a Bachelor they love him, and the first time a Bachelor has told the final two women (JoJo and Lauren) that he loves them
  • Chris and Ben do some surprise drop-ins on Bachelor viewing parties – one house has their babies in Mrs. Higgins onesies and scoreboards with the women’s photos
  • In another house, Ben is greeted by 40 bouncy ladies who should be panicking that their Ben shrines will come off more “creepy” than “superfan” – their journals will hear A LOT about this night
  • Ben admits that one year ago he was on Tinder! Cue 80,000 more women joining Tinder!
  • Olivia has cut her hair but still won’t close her mouth
  • Did they slip a few bonus Lauren’s in there to eff with us? #somanylaurens
  • A chicken named Sheila steals the show (reminding us that early-offed contestant Tiara was a “chicken enthusiast”)
  • Amongst the season’s “villain’s” (Olivia, Lace, Leah and Jubilee), I thought Olivia would get the most hate but there’s a lot of cut eye and negative comments aimed towards Leah right off the bat
  • Amber’s face looks different – really different (nose?)
  • Allegedly, Jubilee made comments during taping around going the farthest on the show as a ‘true’ black woman (thus angering biracial angels Amber and Jami) but she claims those allegations are false(ish)
  •  I still love Jubilee (who remains in the military and just made Sergeant) and she speaks very well in her one-on-one with Chris Harrison, admitting she spent too much time “over-thinking” things during her time on the show
  • Lace is in good spirits watching the recap of her time on the show, which was definitely cringe-worthy and borderline crazypants
  • Lace claims that after watching herself back on the show she has made some major life changes (including cutting down on using the word “crazy”)
  • Speaking of crazy, a random (and obviously planted) dude in the crowd shouts out during Lace’s couch time with Chris Harrison to say that she may be crazy but she’s crazy beautiful and shows off his tattoo of Lace’s face on his ribs (the eff?) and then goes on stage to get a photo with her during which Chris is all “we need better security” and “don’t actually touch her” but no, seriously, you need better security
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A Lace face tattoo on some nutjob’s ribcage

  • Chris convinces Lace to go on Bachelor in Paradise (probably because there’s security there to protect her from tattoo guy)
  • Chris really earns his paycheque tonight acting as host, therapist and bodyguard
  • Olivia feels that it’s unfair that the women all shit-talked her during taping instead of coming right to her to hash out issues like they did more with Jubilee
  • Sweetie pie twins Emily and Haley call Olivia a bully for saying Ben should “run” from single mom Amanda and insinuating that the other women were sluts based on wardrobe choices
  • Olivia counters that she was severely bullied as a child and claims she is actually very much an introvert despite her public persona and job as a TV anchor (though she did say she finds the mouth jokes directed at her “funny”)
  • “There’s no way to know how to do this right. I did it wrong,” Olivia says – and surprisingly, Chris does not ask her to join Bachelor in Paradise
  • Second runner up and overall adorable gal (and Ben-anointed “sex panther”) Caila takes the hot seat after Olivia and says she still has strong feelings for Ben and that him not loving her back pretty much gutted her
  • Caila says that watching the show back it was helpful for her to see how Ben looked at JoJo and Lauren because she wants to meet someone who looks at her that way
  • “The most popular Bachelor in history” (definitely the most handsome) takes the stage and is visibly nervous
  • First thing’s first – Chris reminds Ben of the mess he is in having told two women that he loves them last week
  • Ben addresses Caila and hopes she knows how much their relationship meant to him
  • Amanda and Becca have nothing but the loveliest of lovely things to say about Ben, and he can still tell twins Emily and Haley apart (win!)
  • Ben confirms he is super in love (we find out next week if it’s with JoJo or Lauren) and would get married tomorrow (to Lauren, I’m guessing, leaving JoJo open to be the next Bachelorette!)
Come back next week to read my finale recap!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Nine

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 9 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 29, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Ben and his final three ladies are in Jamaica, and overnight “fantasy suite” dates are on the table. If some random dude was about to go on three dates with three women in three days and probably bang at least two of them we would hate him, but this is The Bachelor where the only thing we hate is women who “didn’t come here to make friends” and people named Lace. Remember Lace???

Caila and Ben have the first date of the week, and Ben describes their relationship as the “deepest.” Caila is feeling “anxious” despite a solid hometown date and as a result their conversation stalls during a river boat cruise. Ben senses that she’s holding back but Caila claims she’s over-thinking things and really wants to just enjoy the moment. Despite their open discussion about the awkwardness, this relationship still feels a few steps back from what he has with Lauren and JoJo. “It’s really important that tonight goes well,” stresses Caila. She course corrects for the evening part of their date and is visibly less “distracted.” Ben really wants to talk more about her weirdness earlier in the day. Caila likes that he noticed she was acting strange, and admits to being scared given that there are two other women who are also likely falling in love with Ben. “Every time I’m with you…it just feels right,” she tells him, adding that she’s in love with him. I thought she told him a few weeks ago so this seems somewhat anti-climactic. Ben pulls out the overnight date card and it’s all systems go on her end. “There is no other place I’d rather be in the world than in his arms,” Caila gushes in her voiceover as they make out in the ocean with fireworks in the background.

God I hate fireworks. Reason #56,928 I would never be on the Bachelor. I feel like it’s gotta be part of the screening process: do you like fireworks, helicopter rides, and awkward impromptu serenades from bands that you’ve only heard of if you live in the American mid-West? Yes? You’re in.

“It will be him and I at the end of this!” Caila declares. The next morning, Ben and Caila are all adorable and sweet over coffee and she loves that they woke up as a couple. Ben loves how great she looks in the morning. She has that awesome hair that makes me hate myself. With a parting kiss and “I love you,” Caila leaves.

Date number two is with Lauren, who is leaning towards confessing her love to Ben because “she’s had these feelings for awhile.” According the University of My Eyeballs, he’s head over heels for Lauren too. It would appear that Ben doesn’t even get a day off between overnight dates which is kind of skeevy (or just editing) but not surprising for the Bachelor world. On their date, Lauren and Ben get to hold and then release newborn baby sea turtles (I WANT!) into the ocean for a “date full of cuteness.” Lauren compares the lives of these baby sea turtles to her love for Ben (yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either). Ben tells Lauren that he loved her family and admits to crying while talking to Lauren’s sister during his hometown visit because, as he states, “you’re too good for me.” Lauren says the feeling is mutual and they hop in the ocean and there’s a goddamn double rainbow in the background I’m not even joking. I can practically hear the Bachelor producers giving eachother crisp high fives at catching that moment.

Later that evening, they dance a bit and talk about how hard the week apart has been between hometown dates and this week’s dates. “I’m obviously very invested in you,” Lauren tells Ben, adding that she can see a life with him. Lauren tells him that he’s the man of her dreams but still no L word. Ben silently hands Lauren the overnight date card. I love how they are all signed by host Chris Harrison, America’s most charming pimp. Speaking of, just me or does it feel like Harrison has been mostly absent this season? I love when he bros down with the Bachelors and gives them advice and is all serious head nodding and sympathy eyes. Lauren finally fesses up to being “completely in love” with Ben. He knows that she wouldn’t still be there if her feelings weren’t strong, and then BREAKS ALL OF THE BACHELOR RULES by telling Lauren that he’s known he’s been in love with her for awhile. “I seriously didn’t think someone like you existed,” she states. Ben closes the blinds and we have to listen to the mics pick up the sounds of them kissing.

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L-O-V-E

 

“Honey, I made breakfast,” Ben says the next morning, as all over North America women throw their underpants at their television. “Last night, I was really able to get confidence…in my feelings,” declares Ben. That’s the cutest euphemism for getting laid I’ve heard in weeks. “Ben’s my person,” says a euphoric Lauren.

“Telling Lauren I love her complicates things,” Ben declares and then meets up with JoJo. Ben finds her “uplifting” and reiterates he felt an immediate connection with JoJo. She is a bit worried about what went down between Ben and her family during hometowns while she was, I have to presume, locked in the basement so that she wouldn’t hear the grilling her brothers were giving him. JoJo is hesitant to tell Ben she’s in love with him because he can’t say it back (well….). “The thought of losing him is terrifying,” she moans. They swim at a waterfall and kiss a bit and JoJo says that everything she’s felt leads her to believe that she does love Ben and she tells him how terrified she is that she just said that. And then HE TELLS JOJO HE LOVES HER TOO.  Yes, I’m shouting.

Insert screeching tires sound. Oops, he did it again.

JoJo’s response is perfect: “What?! Are you allowed to say that?”

Yeah, we can’t believe it either. Actually, I can believe it because JoJo is awesome sauce but, as Ben states in his voiceover: “I don’t know how I can be in love with two women but I am.” I guess I know how he feels. Today I fell in love with two mini cupcakes at work. If you’re the mathy sort, that’s two women. So, like, bye bye Caila. While I have no doubt that Ben is in love with both of these great gals, I suspect he never would’ve been able to say it without the explicit, likely written, permission of the Bachelor powers-that-be.

“I just told JoJo I love her,” Ben reminds us, heading into the evening portion of their date. “But in the back of my mind I’m flashing back to telling Lauren the same thing.” Um, yeah, probs because it was less than 24 hours ago. Ben tells her that today meant a lot to him because he knows where she stands now and JoJo, now confident and secure in their relationship, seems more at east and happier than ever. Finally the topic of JoJo’s brothers gets some air time, and Ben admits to sensing a lot of tension and feeling “uneasy” after their hometown date. JoJo wants to scream I HATE  THEM THEY RUIN EVERYTHING but she manages to keep it cool and say she loves her brothers and knows their concern is coming from a good place. She insists that they will love Ben too. Remember her brothers? I don’t think they love anything aside from JoJo, lifting weights and wearing bracelets.

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Not the faces of people who love Ben.

“I do feel like her family will support us,” Ben lies to himself convincingly before presenting JoJo the date card. She bails. Joking, obviously. They tour their fantasy suite which has a pool and a hot tub of course. If I was a heartless monster (if?) I would say that Lauren has the slight advantage over JoJo because JoJo would make a better Bachelorette. You can yell at me in the comments. I do feel like Ben is sliiiightly more into Lauren than JoJo but find JoJo more interesting than Lauren. It’s a real Sophie’s Choice. It’s not. I way overuse this phrase and it’s one of the main reasons why I’m probs going to hell. There’s also this thing where I used to steal cheese like three times a week from the place I bought my morning coffee and muffin. Also, there’s some mild treason in there but I promise it was adorable.

The next morning JoJo and Ben eat watermelon (or so they think) in bed and are all lovey dovey. These women look better first thing in the morning than I would look if I lived with a makeup artist who painted my face on in lieu of rent. There’s a slightly nauseating round of ‘no, you’re the cutest’ but I can’t hate on these two because it’s pretty sweet or maybe I have my period. Also, if any men are reading this (?) and are looking to sleep with a bunch of women on their next vacation you may want to google this resort.

Cut to Ben walking along the ocean and trying to figure out how to dump Caila. He is “not looking forward to it.” Ouch, he’s going to make her go through a rose ceremony? Luckily, spunky Caila just misses Ben so darn much that she can’t wait to see him again and surprises him, catching him totally off guard on his day off from sex and sweet morning-after banter. Ben’s face when he sees that it’s Caila is basically ‘ah, fuck.’

“It means a lot that you really tried to come over here,” he begins, and tells her it’s been a crazy week. You can actually see the exact moment when Caila realizes she’s getting dumped. “I am in love with two women here…and I just couldn’t say it back to you,” Ben tells her. “You are literally what I describe…as my perfect wife…” Ben says, confusingly, adding that it’s hard to imagine saying bye to her. “That sounds like a line,” Caila says, starting to cry, and tells Ben that he doesn’t have to say that and adds through her tears that she’s enjoyed getting to know him and that she loves him but really can she just go now? Ben asks if he can walk her out and for a second it seems like Caila will say no but she agrees and they hug and Ben wants her to know that he’s really going to miss the crap out of her.

A heartbroken Caila climbs into the SUV of Broken Dreams™ but hops back out because she wants more information. “Did you know this week?” she asks him, and they go for a walk to chat some more. Our Bachelor admits that the other two women also said they were in love with him but swears he didn’t know who he was sending home until he heard affirmations from all three women. Ben wants Caila to know that their relationship was important to him.

This may be one of the most civilized-but-could-easily-have-gone-really-bad breakups of a second runner-up in Bachelor history. The bar ain’t that high.

Back in the SUV, Caila is really crying now and confesses to thinking she was going to be engaged soon and claims she “was ready” to start a life with Ben. “I thought this was it.”

Ben is gutted at sending Caila home but knows that he just had way stronger feelings for Lauren and JoJo. Chris Harrison greets JoJo and Lauren, separately, heading into the rose ceremony. They quickly realize that Caila isn’t coming, which Ben confirms. “I’m more confident in this than I’ve ever been,” he tells his final two and then there’s a super weird group hug full of uncomfortable laughter. With each woman secure in the warm cocoon of Ben’s love confession, they both strive to feign coolness yet each wonders if Ben has told the other woman that he loves her too.

We’ll have to wait two weeks to find out who Ben chooses because next week is the ‘Women Tell All’ special which will likely turn into an “everyone hates Olivia” fest. Can’t wait.

Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Eight

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 8 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 22, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Welcome to hometown week, rose lovers! Ben is sitting on a rock, pants rolled up (wait, no, those are capris and I’m dying) watching the waves crash in Orange County. Pretty, slightly cartoon-voiced single mom Amanda runs towards him on the beach wearing very short shorts and some weird fabric pieces that I guess are supposed to equal a shirt?

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What is this shirt Amanda? Photo source: bustle.com

Her two little girls meet her on the beach for a sweet family reunion complete with pigtails, and the older one is all “where’s Ben?” and it’s cuter than a basket of puppies. The girls mostly ignore Ben and play in the sand and then they bond over sand sculptures and chase him around and then chase some birds. Things get real when the kids get fussy in the car ride home and they arrive at Amanda’s parents’ house looking slightly weary. Her folks seem very warm and welcoming but dad notes that Ben is a bit “deer in the headlights.” I think that’s just his face. Ben often looks like he’s trying to remember where he parked his car. When Ben sits down with Amanda’s mom for a chat he admits he hadn’t thought about an insta-family going into the Bachelor process but surprised himself by being totally open to it. Mom feels that Ben is quite mature but also says it’s too early to tell. Amanda’s dad points out that there’s a big difference between thinking about having kids and actually having kids. “If she’s happy, I’m happy,” he concludes. Later they read a Bachelor-themed goodnight story to the girls and part ways with a kiss. Amanda is now certain that she’s in love with Ben.

The next hometown date is in Portland with Lauren.‎ She’s wearing Portland-requisition plaid and brings him to some food trucks for lunch all boyfriend-girlfriend styles. Next stop is a whiskey library (THIS IS A THING!!?!!) which Ben loves. Ben confesses that he worried Lauren would bail on the show a few weeks back and she’s all ‘of course not!’ Lauren is in love with Ben but hasn’t told him yet. She’s waiting ’til after the fam jam. They arrive at Lauren’s family home where everyone is attractive and thrilled to see “LoLo.” Her sister is the first to grill Ben and is understandably skeptical. “What makes her stand out to you?” she wants to know, making Ben cry (points!) because he feels “so lucky” to have met Lauren. When the sisters gab it up we learn that Lauren hasn’t “been single for that long” but that she feels she was “meant to meet Ben” and is fairly certain that he is her person. They hug it out, wine glasses in hand (and don’t spill a drop!) and this is the first time in my life I wish I had a sister. Ben reveals to Lauren’s dad that the first time he saw her “the world stopped” but dad points out that although he felt the same way the first time he saw Lauren’s mom, they dated for a long time before getting married. Lauren describes Ben to her dad as super likable and he reminds her that she’s one of four women left. With this weighing on her, Lauren opts not tell Ben she loves him when they say their goodbyes.

Caila’s hometown date takes place in Iowa or Idaho or something like that and Ben describes their relationship as being on “the precipice.” Caila wants today to be a “fresh start” for them after some confusion on their last one-on-one in the Bahamas. They walk hand-in-hand looking like the couple that comes in the picture frame and eventually settle on a park bench to make out. ‎Caila can see a future with Ben, and brings him to a toy factory where they build their dream home out of plastic. Fun fact: her dad is the CEO of the company. In her crop sweater and hard hat, Ben never thought he would find a toy factory “so sexy” (which is a relief). To be honest, I had forgotten Caila was still in this but this date is great so far. He carries her through the factory while people clap awkwardly. Later, sitting in front of what looks like a delicious Filipino family dinner, Caila’s dad asks Ben what all the “microwave dating” feels like and describes his own marriage as “magical.” But before they can eat, mom Rosanna (totally pulling off adult braces) pulls Ben away. WHY DO YOU NEVER LET PEOPLE EAT ON THIS SHOW, BACHELOR PRODUCERS? Ben describes her as joyful and sweet and bubbly and appreciates that Caila has been real with him instead of just saying “the right things.” Mom says that Caila has very high standards and doesn’t take any moments for granted. She says this part very seriously as if Caila has been involved in a high number of life-or-death scenarios. Caila, meanwhile, tells her dad that Ben is what she’s been looking for and she thinks “this is it.” Mom encourages her to tell Ben how she feels about him. “Jump on him and tell him!” she giggles, but Caila doesn’t. Ben is 0/3 on the “I love you’s” this week.

In Dallas, Texas, JoJo arrives at her apartment to find a bouquet of roses and card but they aren’t from Ben they are from her ex-boyfriend Chad. “No, I don’t want to read this,” she exclaims, dropping the card mid-sentence as if it’s on fire and pacing in her apartment in tears. She calls this Chad and puts him on speaker which seems an odd thing to do given that she could barely bring himself to read his letter. Chad claims it has taken this time apart to figure out what he wants (spoiler: it’s JoJo) which is just such a Chad thing to say. “Now you’re doing this?” she wails as Ben walks towards her front door and we hear Chad say “I don’t want to lose you.” D-R-A-M-A. I hope Chad is into getting dumped on TV. Cut to JoJo hanging up the phone and Ben knocking on the door. He can tell something is up because JoJo has obviously been crying and she tells him what’s what and fills in some details on what we didn’t see which was that JoJo put an end to things on the phone and told Chad he could shove it because this is the happiest she’s ever been. Both of them toss around the word “confident” and they kiss a bunch and I guess this is their day date (what a rip off!) because they head straight into the meet the family stuff. “Tonight I could potentially be meeting my future in-laws,” Ben says.

JoJo’s jacked brothers look like they would play cops or firefighters or handsome mobsters on TV.

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JoJo’s brothers – intimidating hot one and the other one who looks like he could be her dad

Ben tells her family that he has felt super comfortable around JoJo since the moment he met her and adds that he would be open to moving out of Denver for a relationship. The brothers corner him and Ben can really only say that she’s incredible and means a lot to him. JoJo gushes to her mom that she’s falling in love with Ben but is terrified to get hurt. Mom’s advice is to go 150% which, yeah, is not a thing but it’s a cute moment. “You’ve only been on two dates with the guy,” older brother reiterates, and suggests she keeps her “heart guarded.” JoJo is worried that unless she let’s herself be vulnerable and open it won’t work out, and the brothers aren’t sure that Ben is as emotionally invested in her as she is. They confront him directly en masse while mom drinks straight out of the bottle in the background. True story.

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I see you JoJo’s mom. Respect.

“I don’t want to hurt her,” Ben assures them but older brother is like a dog with a bone, adding that he knows Ben has “probably been coached” on what to say but he is worried that JoJo is way more emotional then they are comfortable seeing. Ben holds his own and dad and mom seem to be on his side. Where are they locking up JoJo through all this??? As they say their goodbyes JoJo is supercurious as to what her family said to him and Ben sums it up with basically: mom and dad were cool but your brothers thought I had a poker face on. Ben leaves Dallas confused and JoJo is worried he felt ambushed. 0/4.

SIDENOTE: You guys, the internet has found Chad and his face totally matches his name. I am too lazy to post a link so just google it.

It’s rose ceremony night and whoever gets sent home can at least blame their family for ruining all of their happiness because things were great until then, right? Ben acknowledges that hometowns were harder than he thought. The first rose goes to Lauren and the second to Caila. It’s down to mom Amanda or Jojo. Ultimately, JoJo gets the last rose of the night.

Amanda wishes Ben would have cut things off during hometowns instead of at a rose ceremony but he claims he wasn’t sure of his feelings until that night. Amanda tells him she will miss him and they have a long hug goodbye. I wouldn’t be surprised if we start hearing choruses of ‘Amanda for Bachelorette.’ “I do think he’s a great guy,” she cries in the Sad Gal Limo™ while back in the driveway Ben is doing some crying of his own. He breaks down saying he, like, can’t even right now because it means so much that Amanda trusted him to meet her daughters and he cared about her so much.

And that’s it for hometown week! I’m staying off Twitter because no doubt everyone is yelling at Ben for dumping Amanda but ultimately they really just didn’t have as strong a connection. Caila is the wildcard here, but unless something goes really wonky between Ben and JoJo next week it’s JoJo and Lauren for final two I think.

Hit me up in the comments with your thoughts on this episode, and join me here next week for my recap of the overnights! We’re down to three women!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Seven

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 7 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 15, 2016).

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The Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: abc.com

Hola rose lovers. Sorry I am so late with this post but as I mentioned in my recap last week I was in El Salvador for a wedding and apparently to eat an asston of pupusas.

So we kick off this week in Ben’s home town of Yawnsville, Indiana or wherever. Ben meets up with his parents at a diner and tells them he’s down to six ladies and mentions like seven times that he was just in the Bahamas. Meanwhile, the women are strolling the town and pointing out buildings, looking like an ad for skinny jeans and throwing leaves at eachother.

Ben gives his parents a rundown of all the women and it’s clear that JoJo, Lauren and Amanda are frontrunners. He picks up the women in a boat and they talk about how the town is “too cute” and a great place to make babies.

This is a big week because hometowns are coming up. Ben announces that Lauren has 30 minutes to get ready for the first one-on-one date of the week, leaving Becca and JoJo feeling a little gutted.

On their date, Ben drives Lauren around in a truck and points out his school and church and where he had his first kiss and he gives her lots of love gazes. It’s obvious that he really, really likes her. They wind up at the local youth club where Ben worked for four years. That face AND he worked with kids? This guy must have just slayed ass back in the day. There’s a cute moment with Ronnie “the half court kid” and then Ben and Lauren have to kiss in front of everyone. Since most of their kissing is pretty PG looking, this is barely awkward. Then some players from the Indiana Pacers show up and everyone loses their damn minds. Everyone loves Lauren and wants to know if she loves Ben. A sad kid cries and Ben cheers him up, handsomely. Consequently, Lauren provides a bunch of soundbites about Ben being great with kids and he’d make a great dad, etc.

The remaining women are waiting for a date card and Becca is all “one-on-ones are better than group dates.” Yeah, duh.‎ This episode is setting up for either Emily or Becca to go home, I think. Possibly Caila.

Later on their date Lauren brings up the awkwardness in the Bahamas and he tells her he doesn’t want to be blindsided and Lauren counters that she felt defenseless against now departed Leah’s bullshit accusations that Lauren wasn’t being her real self around Ben.‎ He assures her that they are in a good place and it’s all good again. “You make me sooooo happy Ben,” she tells him. Then they hit the town for some drinks with Ben’s friends and Lauren announces in her private interview that she’s in love.

The next day JoJo is attempting to shed off her slight Lauren jealousy and have tunnel vision‎ when it comes to her relationship with Ben. They have great chemistry and an easy vibe. She meets him in Chicago and they go to Wrigley Field because Ben loves the Cubs so all this swelling, majestic music plays while they walk around and then put on Mr and Mrs Higgins jerseys and mess around on the field. He makes it to third base but it`s the sports kind, not the fun kind. They lay down on the field and Ben says that he feels more himself around JoJo than the other women.

The group date card arrives and it’s for Caila, Becca and Amanda so Emily cries a bunch because she gets the last solo date of the week. Becca confesses she feels more strongly for Ben at this point then she did going all the way to final two with Chris Soules.

For some reason we return to Wrigley Field where a dinner no one will eat is set up. Ben feels like she holds back a little and JoJo admits she feels scared‎ (rightly so) but says she cares about Ben a lot and can see a life with him. “My heart is ready to give to you,” she tells him.

On the group date the women meet Ben at a farm and Caila and Ben get some alone time on a row boat. They head into a barn decorated straight out of a Pinterest board and Ben says this is all getting “very personal.” Amanda is so excited to see her kids next week and hasn’t introduced any guy she’s dated to them. Ben looks forward to seeing her in mom mode. Becca kicks off their alone time telling Ben she’s been stressed for the past two weeks and tells him she likes him so much it freaks her out. Ben avoids any major eye contact and the whole interaction feels kinda off. Becca is not used to bein‎g in a vulnerable position, and mumbles “please don’t blindside me,” to Ben. Yeah, she is so getting sent home this week. Caila talks about how she doesn’t have the same hometown roots and “community” as Ben because she moved around a lot as a kid. He wonders if she could settle down in one spot and she compares herself to moss or something. I got bored and stopped listening. The group date rose goes to single mom Amanda, meaning she will definitely be getting a hometown date and will also spend the rest of the day alone with Ben. Becca and Caila are left to themselves in the barn and Becca starts to unravel.

The two group date rejectees skulk back to the hotel where JoJo wonders how Ben can give Amanda “that much validation,” because she also got the group date rose last week. Becca cries some more and house mom JoJo consoles her.

On their now one-on-one date, the couple head to McDonald’s where the cashier tells Amanda she’s beautiful and they order breakfast at night because you can do that now and then they take drive-through orders. It’s all pretty cute and then they do a lady and the tramp thing with a french fry which is literally a recurring dream I have where Ryan Reynolds is on the other side of the french fry‎ and then teaches me how to use my phone because #romance.

Lastly they make their way to a county fair and Ben wins Amanda a stuffed donut and they brave a ride that was “put together in a day” and Ben pretends not to panic and Amanda thinks she is “very close to falling in love with Ben.”

Emily and Ben embark on their first one-on-one date and she’s bubbly and cute and is learning about swans. As Becca predicts, he brings her home to meet his parents but Caila sees Emily as a “bright-eyed puppy” who doesn’t pose much of a threat to the other women. “Talking to people can be a hard thing for me,” Emily says, apparently lying. She talks Ben’s mom’s ear off and mom’s verdict is: nice but young. Dad is a fan of Emily because she’s a “very nice young lady” (emphasis on young) and he`s not headless. Ben talks about how Emily blossomed after Haley went home.‎ When they chat alone she tells Ben`s dad she hates vegetables and would love to watch movies all day. Mom tears up telling Ben she worries about Emily’s ability to deal with some of the more serious parts of life. Basically she begs him not to pick Emily with her eyes. In his private interview Ben says he really likes Emily but wonders if she’s ready to be a wife. They head back to the house and upon arriving Ben is all ‘you’re amazing’ but tells Emily he can’t picture her being his wife. He tears up telling her he doesn’t see them going to the next step. Emily handles herself quite well, saying “I see it and it sucks that you can’t.” He tells her she’s incredible and tucks her hair behind her ear and they hug goodbye. P.S. The other women see this happening because they are staying in a house that is basically made of windows.

Emily confirms that Ben is sending her home while the other women pretend to be sad for her.‎ Emily is shocked but calls her time with Ben a “blessing,” wonders “why not me?” and adds that whoever ends up with Ben is “a very lucky girl.” Total class this girl. I didn’t think I’d be a fan but I have seen nothing but sweetness from Emily. The upside is she can go back to twinning it up with Haley and work on that dream of being a Broncos cheerleader.

On the night of the rose ceremony, Ben bros down with host Chris ‎Harrison and is all “I don’t know what I’m going to do bro.” It’s pretty obvious that Caila and Becca are on the chopping block tonight. After the last rose is handed out, Becca is the one sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. She will remain single for approximately 6 days before being wifed up by some handsome investment banker named, like, Thad or something.

“Why did you do that” she asks him and sighs a lot. Ben and Becca sit down where she is teary and reminds Ben she asked him not to blindside her. In the limo, Becca cries about putting herself in this position and wanting someone who loves her back while Ben sits sadly on a bench.

Next week: hometowns! Looks like this season’s crazy family is JoJo’s. I’ll be posting my recap Tuesday morning. Thanks for reading!

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 8, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Source: abc.com

Howdy rose lovers. We pick up right where last week’s cliffhanger left us – Ben pulling Olivia away to chat while the other women speculate that maybe Olivia will have her rose revoked.

Olivia spins the whole tension with the other women thing to Ben as having a target on her back since receiving the first impression rose. “I’m just…different. I‎ like reading books in my room.” hahaha. “I sometimes come off as intimidating,” Olivia adds. She responds super calmly  to all of Ben’s questions (I almost threw my phone at the TV when she said “I like to talk smart things”) and they return to the group. “You are all different and every week this gets tougher and more confusing,” Ben announces, before heading into the rose ceremony. Emily can barely contain her rage at Olivia not being sent home. I wish I was half as confident about anything as Olivia is about her connection with Ben. Olivia is still teary but doesn’t want to talk about it with the other women, who feign concern over her emotional state. Where Olivia does want to talk about it is in her private on camera interview where she’s all ‘ha ha you all thought I was going home but nope’ and adds a “come at me, bro” for good measure. Oh man, I kind of like it. What if Olivia is the normal one and everyone else is crazy? No? No. Oh god, forget I said that. But I have trouble hating on anyone within an hour of a yoga class. Don’t worry, it should wear off in about 20 minutes.

After the rose ceremony, Emily gets the last rose and Jennifer is sent home. God I wish Chris Harrison came out right now and was all “Jennifer, I’m sorry…we all…sorta…forgot you were here. We also forgot about Leah but she blends in with the blondes so…bye? Thanks for quitting your job and coming out here.” Somehow Leah is still around and will hopefully get some screen time this week.‎ I predict that time will involve crying.

Ben and his harem raise their glasses of champagne‎ in a toast to the news that they are off to the Bahamas.

“The water is sooo blue and the sand is soooo white” mumbles Becca. At this point when all the women gather in a small space it’s mostly a sea of indistinguishable blonde hair. Host Chris Harrison arrives and announces that one of the dates this week will be the dreaded two-on-one. The solo date is a repeat for Caila (who was the first to go on a one-on-one date with our Bachelor) and we finally hear from Leah who is right pissed about not having any time with Ben and throws in a “why am I heeeeeeere?” moan. Leah can barely look at Ben when he comes to pick Caila up, and casts some hard side-eye his way.

They head out to do some deep sea fishing (not a euphemism). Ben says that he needs alone time with Caila since their first date also included Kevin Hart and Ice Cube (the best!), but he realizes that there are others who haven’t had a one-on-one (so Leah and Olivia).

Back at the hotel, Leah is crying and terrified that she will end up on the two-on-one. ‎”We could have met at a bar but the universe brought us together in this process,” says Leah, who lives in the same town as Ben I think? Also, it wasn’t the universe. It was a casting agent.

“Caila is funny and beautiful and sexy and smart,” Ben gushes, but he wants to dig a little deeper. Caila and her amazing hair want to “be more vulnerable” with Ben and then she tells Ben that she loves him (what?) but then it gets confusing.  And all the oxygen seems to leave his body. “I think my greatest fear is that I can’t totally, completely love somebody…it feels like I’m going to hurt you,” she says. Huh?

The group date card arrives and by process of elimination (and because, duh) Olivia and Emily will be on the two-on-one date but Leah gets to go on the group date. Olivia calls Emily a bird and also says something about her being young which is ridic because their age difference is 1 year except no it’s not because Olivia is obviously lying about her age by like 8 years. Oh, good. The yoga niceness just wore off. I’m back!

Back on their date, Ben is trying to decipher Caila’s confusing bombshell of I love you, maybe? “I know that I’m falling in love because I feel like I’m being understood,” Caila explains. This and some other crap about feeling happy (and the fact that Ben finds confusion attractive) are enough to secure her the date rose.

It’s group date day and the women arrive in jean shorts and bikini tops. Ben is hoping for a light, fun day. A ginormous handsome pig who I have named Humphrey is swimming nearby and is soon joined by more pigs. Ben announces they are going to feed the pigs hot dogs and someone is all “we’re going to feed the pig PIG” and Ben laughs and announces that the hot dogs are chicken. Well, ok then? “This is like a bar in Dallas, there are pigs everywhere,” deadpans JoJo (love!). If this whole show was watching people swim with wild pigs and maybe sometimes things go bad, I would watch and recap that show forever.

Some of the women love the pig play. Most of them, however….

Source: Michael Empric on Vine

Meanwhile, Olivia is strolling the beach in a pretty awesome bathing suit while Emily calls her twin sister to whine about having to be on a date with Olivia.

After the pig action calms down, the awkwardness of the group date setting starts to set‎ in. Hard. The vibe totally shifts and basically the women kind of start ignoring Ben. He questions JoJo a bit about the weirdo vibes because he thinks she is one who “gets it,” and he confesses that he feels super self conscious. “How do you date this many women that you have feelings for and keep everyone happy?” Ben asks, lamely. Some creepy dude hiding in a bunker in Nevada with 18 wives‎ is like “I hear you, bro!”

Leah finally breaks down after some inane chit chat with Ben about liking pigs and Ben tells her that she hasn’t really made an effort to get him alone on group dates and begs her to “make the most of today.” They hug it out‎ but Leah still doesn’t get why he is keeping her around. You and the rest of Twitter, honey.

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Dream date

On the p.m portion of their group date, Leah is trying to figure out how to “save herself.” Ben acknowledges that the date was uncomfortable and wants to talk through a lot of things with a lot of blondes (and JoJo).

First up is Becca who admits she was “standoffish” and says that some of it was due to Ben’s obvious connection w‎ith Lauren B. But there’s good news! Becca is still, like, a total smitten kitten and they kiss.

The “morbid” date card for Olivia and Emily arrives and Olivia lies that they are the same age but she will feel like Emily’s mom. “Tomorrow will be just fine…at least on my end,” Olivia predicts.

Leah is finally getting some screen time and Ben encourages her to be open and honest.‎ Stupidly, she uses this time to crap on Lauren B. instead of working on their connection. Insert screeching tire sound here. Lauren B.? Lauren B. is a concern? This comes off as pure jealousy. Leah infers that Lauren B. may be a bit two-faced and I can almost hear Twitter explode because she’s a fan favourite! “I’ve been pretty genuine with who I am,” Lauren emphasizes while Ben massages her neck. “I care about you…this gets in my head,” Ben admits. “I feel like I would never use my time with Ben to talk about anyone else,” Lauren B. says in her private interview. EXACTLY! Weak move, Leah. Weak. Clearly all the other women like Lauren B. and when Lauren mildly inquires out loud about who would say such a thing to Ben Leah flat out lies and is all “it wasn’t me.” Sabotage! Oh, so this is why Leah has been invisible up until now. She’s terrible. Ugh. Less of this, more pigs please.

Lauren is still red-faced from crying when Ben rejoins the group and gives the date rose to Amanda.

Later, Lauren B. and Amanda are playing a little game of whodunnit ‎and they immediately land on Leah as the culprit of the Lauren B. lie. Leah has curled her eyelashes so clearly she means business. She sneaks out to go see Ben and hopes that she can make him believe her about Lauren. She’s all about the numbers game. With Lauren gone, her chances just get better. Wow, someone overdid it on the Carnation Instant Bitch this morning! Stop making Olivia seem normal!

Ben welcomes Leah into his suite and pours some wine and she is here to make sure he “doesn’t end up with Lauren B.” “I don’t want to sit here and talk bad about Lauren,” she claims…and adds that there are situations where Lauren comes off as not caring. Basically the worst thing Leah can come up with is that Lauren is “catty.” “I think you’ll be able to figure it out,” she says, playing to Ben perfectly in her mind.

Doesn’t work.

“I don’t know what’s missing, but it is,” he tells Leah, adding that he felt something on night one but after that the spark died and he adds that he ept her around because of that initial connection. “I think it’s best for us to say goodbye,” he drops. ‎While he knows he made the right choice sending Leah away in the Sad Gal Limo™, Ben can’t shake some of the things she said about Lauren B.

The next day…

A storm is a brewin’ and this one involves Olivia and Emily. This is as close to a one-on-one as Olivia has gotten and she’s hard smiling about how amazing it’s all going to be and the “quality time” she’ll have with Ben and how they will get to continue “writing their love story.” Emily is just worried that Olivia will continue to effectively “manipulate‎” Ben.

The sea is angry and Ben is hoping to figure out stuff about this “new Emily” sans her twin Haley and explore his recent “reconnecting” with Olivia while some negative comments from the other women about her continue to roll around in his brain. “Ben and I’s‎ love is all consuming,” says a delusional (and grammatically incorrect) Olivia, and they head off alone to chat. She spends a lot of time telling Ben she is “confident” and “in tune with her body” (why?) and that “deep intellectual things are just my jam.” This nonsense transitions into her telling Ben she’s in love with him and it’s a lot of crazy eyes and Ben thanks her for her time and now it’s Emily’s turn.

“I want this to be the turning point on our journey,” Emily tells him, adding that she basically wants to be around Ben all the time. It’s a cute speech and Ben tells her he’s seen another side of her and that it’s been exciting and he plays with her hair and that’s pretty sweet but that kinda trails off abruptly. Claps to her for not spending this time crap talking Olivia to him. There are two women and only one rose and it’s about to get super awk. Ben picks up the rose and asks to speak to Olivia privately. So Emily is thinking ‘nooooooooooooooo’ but I’m thinking ‘don’t give up yet!’

“So today you were able to speak from your heart…” Ben starts with Olivia. And ends with “I don’t think I can reciprocate those feelings.”

BOOM.

Olivia is stunned. Emily is shocked/ecstatic.

Time to take those cankles home and, in the spirit of Lace, go work on yourself. What a spectacular fall from grace Olivia has had.

Back at the hotel, a producer arrives to grab her suitcase and‎ of course everyone sees it’s Olivia’s.

“He let go of a really good person today,” cries Olivia. Nope, he didn’t. But the night is young. She is left alone crying on some island.

The next day, Ben is all contemplate-y and confused so he sends Chris Harrison to tell the women that there will be no pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and instead they will head straight into a rose ceremony. JoJo is particularly effected which is odd since she’s obviously a frontrunner. The first rose goes to Becca. Next is JoJo (finally figured it out – she looks like Isla Fisher!)‎ and the last rose goes, predictably, to Lauren B.

Teacher Lauren H. is left rose-less and Ben walks her out with a simple “sorry.” And then there were six!

A quick note about next week – I’m off to Central America so my recap will be a few days late but I’m hoping to have it up by Thursday night. Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, February 1, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo Source: abc.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, which ended in a cliffhanger!

Ben and his harem are in beautiful Mexico City, all butchering Spanish. Ben strolls through the city in a blue polo and gazes at a fountain. Cue the Latin music. Emily is down a twin but excited to explore her relationship with Ben. Olivia is comforted by the presence of a bidet in their suite (she has one at home) and oh yeah she loves Ben and their “love language” and is pretty sure she’s getting the one-on-one date this week. But it’s cute mom Amanda who is on “cloud nine” as the recipient of the date card. “I just need that time with him to see if it’s worth it for me to be here,” says the adorable Amanda. Olivia is all “Her? But she has kids.” Ick.

It’s 4:20 am and Ben ‎sneaks into Amanda’s room to “see these girls in their element.” Element meaning no makeup and morning breath and retainers. I can’t decide if I love or hate that the women have to share beds. Who gets stuck sleeping with Olivia and her alleged dragon breath? “Whose weave is this?” Ben laughs pointing to someone’s fake hair on the bedside table. Amanda looks perfect (she’s probs used to no sleep given being a single mom to two small kids) and is ready to head out on their date in like 15 minutes.

They hop in a limo and make their way to a hot air balloon. Ben and Amanda float over ancient cities and say things like “this is so crazy/amazing” a lot and make out attractively. They cuddle up on a blanket in a field and Ben says he just likes being around her. “I still get nervous to really open up,” Amanda says and they toast with champagne to talking more about their lives. “I don’t want to scare him away,” Amanda worries.

Back at the hotel suite of nerves and jealousy, the women are moaning about how Amanda is on the longest date so far when a group date card arrives. It’s revealed that Lauren H. will be on the next solo date with the Bachelor.

Back on their date, Ben likes that Amanda always has a smile on her face. She’s all lip bitey and confessional and opens up about her first marriage which was full of “red flags.. After her second daughter was born she discovered texts on her husband’s phone and he was texting exes and meeting girls online and despite not wanting to break up her family she knew it was time to end things. “I never wanted to be a single mom,” Amanda admits and adds that she sometimes felt embarrassed that her marriage failed. She speaks extremely thoughtfully and eloquently. Ben is adamant that he doesn’t feel weird that she was married before. “I admire you,” he tells Amanda. “You’re incredible.” These two really bonded and she accepts his date rose. Ben’s voice-over says he can totally see a future with Amanda. I see a hometown date but not necessarily a forever with these two, as his connections with Lauren B. and JoJo (and, to a lesser degree, Caila) seem so much stronger after their one-on-one dates.

It’s group date day and Ben waves hard at his incoming harem. “I hate group dates!” Jubilee declares. Olivia can’t shut her mouth as usual and is “going to do anything” to get the date rose. The women and Ben enter a classroom and it’s time for a Spanish class. What’s Spanish for “what is that hair Becca?” She’s doing a weird mini bun thing. I’ll try and get a screengrab of it. Emily may no longer be “in it to twin it” since her sister was cut last week, but she shines sans Haley and is adorable with Ben.

Next they head to a restaurant for a cooking lesson. I love Mexican food so much that if I were on this date I would probably have forgotten Ben existed for like 18 minutes. Just long enough to eat like 47 tostadas. There’s an awkward moment when they have to pair off for a cooking challenge and Jubilee and Olivia are in a showdown for who gets to partner with Ben. Neither one is budging (Olivia does have those sturdy cankles on her side) and Olivia is all “I claimed you!” and since Olivia gets what Olivia wants that’s how that shakes out.

First the women must grocery shop in Spanish. I would mostly wander around murmuring “cervezas?” because I’m an asshole. “Ben and I are on a high right now!” gushes the delusional Olivia while she shops with Ben. “She literally makes me want to throw up and her breath is horrible” moans Emily while Ben suggests to Olivia that they find some mint (ha).

The date card arrives back at the hotel for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together” it reads. Already bored.

Back on the group date everyone is chopping and mincing and other cooking words. “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatular,” Ben deadpans, handsomely. “I want to be his partner in life and his partner in cooking,” Olivia‎ states. Ben observes that Lauren B. and Jubilee are a little quiet and less enthusiastic than the other women, particularly Jubilee. Apparently a woman knows she’s ready to get married when her cooking game is up to par. JoJo is really excited for the chef to taste her taco, etc. She goes on about that for too long. The chefs comment that Olivia and Ben’s dish looks like dog food while Jubilee and Lauren’s dish gets top marks for being restaurant quality.

On the evening portion of their date, Olivia is once again the first to grab Ben for alone time and she is excited to “reconnect.” ‎Jubilee starts to unravel watching him walk away to spend time with the other women. Jennifer emphasizes she’s a commitment girl and Lauren B. gushes that their date from two weeks ago was beyond great and Ben says he never wanted it to end. These two!

Jubilee is in the crossed arms/angry eyebrows ‎phase of jealousy at this point in the evening and while Ben and Lauren B. make out on the street she tries to send someone named Leah who I keep forgetting exists out to interrupt them. When Jubilee finally gets her time she refuses to hold Ben’s hand and then complains about being on group dates and is worried he doesn’t remember her because he has been on “like 1000 dates” since theirs. Ben tells Jubilee he has felt her pulling away from him and that he’s not as confident in their connection anymore. He confronts her about the not hand holding thing and she says a part of that is having the other women around. “I just want it to be me and you…I don’t want you to give up on me.”

It has not gone unnoticed by the other women that Jubilee wouldn’t take Ben’s hand and Jubilee, meanwhile, claims she doesn’t mean to pull back. “Do you still feel at this point in time that there could be something between us?” Ben asks. Jubilee counters that she needs him to tell her‎ the same and Ben tells her he doesn’t feel a strong enough connection. “I think it’s best that tonight we say goodbye,” Ben says. He walks Jubilee out, and they hug goodbye. “I would have loved him unconditionally” she cries in her private interview. Ben takes a moment to gather himself while invisible Leah worries about heading into a rose ceremony without having had time to chat with him and everyone is probably thinking ‘who are you again?’. Ben struggles to explain sending Jubilee home and JoJo is the one to comfort him after and tell him how he handles himself with “class and grace.” “I’m done with breaking up with people after this,” Ben jokes and then because it’s the Bachelor they make out. “It’s all worth it!” he claims.

Much to everyone’s surprise, Ben gives Olivia the group date rose, saying they “reconnected” after she had “struggled” a little‎ and for once everyone’s mouth but Olivia’s is wiiiiiide open.

The next day Ben and Lauren H. head out on their “game changer” (as per Lauren) date. The theme is fashion‎ and the two try on an array of outfits and Ben likes the kindergarten teacher’s “goofiness.” They learn they will be attending a show at Mexico City Fashion Week.

Meanwhile, in Olivia Land: “I’m not threatened by anyone who goes on a date with Ben…I’m back!” she declares, causing a flurry of hate tweets. Emily is sick of Olivia’s negative energy and is gearing up for a throwdown.

Lauren H. and Ben learn they will be walking the runway, and are given some catwalk training. Lauren bonds with the real models pre-show and Ben calms her nerves. She kills it on the runway, and Ben looks crazy handsome. They embrace backstage and Lauren insists this is the best day of her entire life. Clearly she’s never eaten two funnel cakes in one day.

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Lauren H. and Ben walk the runway at Mexico City Fashion Week. Photo source: nypost.com

“It’s been a slow burn with Lauren H.,” Ben says, heading into dinner. He wants to see if their connection can be more than just friends, and Lauren H. is worried about being put in the “friend zone.” She opens up to Ben about her last relationship which ended suddenly after four years and she learned later that he had been cheating on her. She has bounced back and is ready to “open up and let someone in” (way to insinuate “bone zone” over “friend zone” girl) and Ben is all over her speech. He calls her confident and cute and says “today was a really exciting day for me.” Meh, watching it was kind of boring for me but hey she’s sweet and nice and very well-spoken and for that, “slow burn” Lauren H. gets the date rose. Also, her go-to swear is “holy shoot” so she’ll be a fan fav soon enough.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Ben promises JoJo he will never blindside her and they do a dorky high five and I can see her and Lauren B. as final two for sure. Speaking of Lauren B., she tells Ben she can see a life with him. “Like, a life life,” she insists.

Nearby, Amanda is talking about custody arrangements with her ex and how he apparently picks up their daughters on Friday and ships them back on Saturday, prompting Olivia to comment that the conversation reminds her of an episode of Teen Mom. Everyone is offended, especially Emily for some reason.‎ Olivia, sensing the onslaught of shit about to come her way, gets emotional and claims she is going to “try harder” with the women. Emily goes to Ben and cries and tells him Olivia is fake and disrespectful and Ben is really starting to think he’s not seeing the real Olivia. Well, I’m sure given her cavernous mouth you could easily see inside the real Olivia. Close enough?

While Olivia works on buttering Ben up, Emily calls Haley and cries about mean bad Olivia. Ben tries to suss things out from Olivia who claims that everything is good in the house. “I’m just going to have to go with my gut,” he says, which apparently means pumping Amanda for more dirt on Olivia. He’s on the hunt for “red flags.” Both Amanda and Jennifer confirm the Olivia issues and there’s still no screen time for Leah. Before jumping into the rose ceremony, Ben asks to speak privately with Olivia‎ and people are hoping Olivia will be the first woman to have her rose taken away.  Which probs means that won’t happen. But we won’t find out tonight because this episode is — cue dramatic music — to be continued!

It looks like next week everyone cries and Ben stands on the edge of a cliff in a suit, maybe after sending Olivia and her cankles home and maybe not. In the outtakes from the episode, Lauren B. teaches Emily how to do a tequila shot. ‎I notice that Emily and I own the same t-shirt. Twinning!

I’ll be back next week. Thanks for reading!

 

Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 25, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode. There was a super awkward dance, a panic attack, and three women left in tears. So, pretty typical stuff.

Ben’s harem is dwindling and the vibe around the house is a little off. Olivia is all “Ben is my man,” and Chris Harrison arrives to cut the tension and announce that they are off to meet Ben in Las Vegas. The twins are super amped because they are from Vegas (of course) and Olivia wants to see Celine Dion. Her mood is hugely improved and her mouth is bigger than ever. Cut to Ben saying people can totes find love in Vegas (and STDs and a gambling addiction, but those go unmentioned). Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the women scream and lose their shit on the strip over a sign welcoming them to sin city. “I feel like a baller” says Leah (who?). The date card arrives at their fancy suite and it’s for a trembling-with-anticipation JoJo‎. Olivia is “not threatened” by her “piece” going on dates with other women. Oh good.

The twins – Emily and Haley – occupy themselves by twinning while Olivia continues to be not bothered by Ben’s “journey with other women.” Speaking of Ben, he picks JoJo up and they kick off their date with a glass of champagne on a rooftop where a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Their  glasses go flying everywhere while the other women watch from their suite and laugh…until they spot the cute duo kissing. And with that, Olivia’s confident demeanor shatters because JoJo is pretty and smart and awesome sauce.

JoJo and Ben’s chemistry takes them to new heights (see what I did there) while Olivia declares she “loves this man.” A group date card arrives and Olivia is on it, meaning by process of elimination that Becca‎ will have the next one-on-one in Vegas.

Back on their date, Ben and JoJo are back on solid ground and Ben tells her there are so many things about her that he’s attracted to. Promising! “I came into this whole thing telling myself I was going to be openhearted,” JoJo confesses. She tells Ben she ended her last relationship five months ago and that there were trust issues. As Ben adorably fiddles with her bracelet, she states that she is 100% open to their connection. She easily lands the date rose. “Jojo is somebody I am falling for,” Ben says. He leads her to the roof where they cuddle and stare at the Vegas lights and watch fireworks and make out a bunch. “I feel like I was being cheated on,” a peeping Olivia says, idiotically.

The next day Ben meets his group daters. Twins Emily and Haley love his cute nose and Lauren H. is worried about nipple tassels. ‎Olivia is now calling herself the front-runner (in her private interviews) and the women learn they will be presenting at a talent show. The twins are grateful that their mom put them in Irish dancing and are “in it to twin it!” Aren’t we all. Jubilee plays cello. Lauren H. rocks a chicken suit and the women suspect Olivia has a talent other than “being the center of attention.” I’m guessing it has something to do with her mouth. Some guy named Terry Fator who I’ve never heard of but who is probably the world’s most famous ventriloquist announces they will be opening for him that night and then does some mildly creepy ventriloquism. Is there any other kind?  Cue the ticket refunds from some pissed off day drunks.

Olivia gets decked out a-la-showgirl – cankles on full display – practicing her shimmy and praising her decision to shave that morning. The women are just hoping her talent is disappearing. I would do horribly in this challenge unless sarcasm and guacamole eating are considered stage talents.

Cutie Caila is “internally combusting” with nerves while Olivia can’t wait to get out on stage and grab our Bachelor’s attention. She states that when her and Ben are alone it’s “bam shabam.” I do not make this stuff up.

Haley and Emily rock their Riverdance while the crowd enthusiastically claps along. Lauren B. (who earlier claimed herself to have no talent) juggles, talentless-ly (probably not a real word). ‎Olivia jumps out of a cake (doesn’t seem like it’s her first time) and sort of jerks around on the stage and it’s awkward but funny and hey at least this pretty much confirms she’s not a stripper. For her efforts, Olivia gets a hug from Ben and some sass from one of Terry’s less polite puppets.

Backstage, Olivia wanders off to cry real hard (accompanied by Rachel) while the other ladies toast to their stage show. ‎If you’re wondering, I took this commercial break to find something to put guacamole on while I tried to recover from my second-hand embarrassment for Olivia. I landed on ‘spoon.’

Still backstage, an over-sized cardboard cake is like “Gurllll that was rough. Also, whose huge mouth took this bite out of me?” Rachel is being too nice while Olivia continues to cry off her embarrassment. ‎”I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.” She is bummed about her ‘pity hug’ from Ben and is still reeling. “I’m here to be marriage material and I don’t think that (performance) was marriage material.”

Later that evening Ben thanks the women for being silly that day and Caila has her eye on the group date rose. It is her first group date, so she is thrilled when Ben pulls her away for some solo time. Caila immediately throws her arms around him and goes in for the makeout. Ben is amped to see her sexier side and legit refers to her as a “sex panther.” Hahahahahaha. ‎He’s super into Caila’s “quiet confidence”, and her body sitting on his body.

Lauren H. is out of the chicken suit and hot to trot. Her and Ben play with puppets in an empty theater and he says he wants to know the “cute, fun” Lauren so she kisses the puppet Ben and then the real Ben. I didn’t love her “soccer mom” comment last week but she’s growing on me.

The group date rose is on the table and Olivia pulls him away and opens with a joke about needing to get loaded to forget about her performance. She tells Ben she had “a complete breakdown” afterwards and lies that she’s not good at being “show-y.” Um, you should tell your mouth that. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed” he says, before Emily interrupts. How do you like that taste of your own medicine, Olivia? She shoves A LOT of her fingers into her mouth and says she’s scared that her brief time with Ben wasn’t enough to re-solidify their connection. Olivia returns to the group and finds some food to shove into her mouth instead of her own fingers.

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Olivia. Starved for fingers…and attention.

Ben and actual front runner Lauren B. are super into eachother. “I missed you soooo much” she tells our Bachelor and he assures her not to question his feelings. Lauren B. says she’s living with “all these amazing women” (nice!) and she realizes that Ben could so easily be falling for any of them. There’s a cute moment where she says she may have gone on her “last first date ever” with him and he seems super into it.

Caila uses a puppet to alert Jennifer that Olivia is en route to interrupt Ben and twin Emily despite Jennifer having not had time to chat with him. The ladies are so over Olivia tonight. “Can we start over?” Olivia half-pleads to the very confused Ben. “You don’t have to apologize,” Ben says and continues to be nice to her long enough for them to kiss and hopefully that will calm down some of her crazy. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B. and hugs her on top of Amanda‎ while Olivia is all maniac blinks.

The next day a box arrives for Becca and it’s a wedding dress in (appropriately) virgin white. She looks stunning in it of course but Jubilee ain’t worried. “She’s a virgin. If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, it isn’t going to happen in six hours.”

Becca says she feels totally different this time around. So basically that’s her finally  admitting that despite making it to the final two on Chris Soules’ season, she just wasn’t that into him. Their date starts at a chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…they they officiate weddings for some ‎randoms. Ben is ordained and Becca will be his assistant I presume. The first groom arrives and, yeah, Ben marries them. He’s so excited he forgets to tuck in his shirt. “We’ll cherish ‎that forever,” the groom says. The parade of couples continue and by the end, Ben and Becca have married a bunch of randoms including a dude in a tuxedo t-shirt.

JESUS CHRIST DID SOMEONE LET ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK BE MADE INTO A MOVIE?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT CALLED ‘THE CHOICE’?! I CHOOSE NO. Who is the monster that keeps green lighting these?  Sorry. Commercials.

Later that evening Ben takes Becca to the famed Vegas neon sign museum (I can’t believe I’ve not been yet – I’m due for a 3rd trip to Vegas) where they stroll hand-in-hand. “Can she love, can she feel, can she commit?” Ben wonders. “I care so much more at this point than I did last season” Becca tells Ben. “I think the outcome could be really great.” Ben is all ‘feel your feelings’ and he says he had some concerns about her going to the final two with Chris and seemingly not having strong feelings but apparently they have talked through that and he’s not worried anymore. Becca isn’t bothered by Ben not being a virgin (she’s probably a phenomenal kisser at this point), and he admires her commitment or whatever. “I really like you,” she gushes‎. They exchange adorable ‘vows’ and kiss a bunch and, to Ben, she is “perfect in every way.” Becca secures the date rose and could see herself saying yes to a proposal.

Host Chris Harrison drops by the next day to announce that Ben has asked to spend the day with the twins. Ooh a dreaded two-on-one! These typically end in an elimination. This should be…interesting. Or maybe he’ll keep them both and they can move in with those sister wives people who live nearby. Curious to know if Ben can even tell them apart. Also, did they do this date in Vegas to save on airfare sending one of the twins home since they are locals? Olivia’s mouth is on full alert and the women are wondering if maybe he will send them both home. “Dating twins has been difficult,” says Captain Obvious. He doesn’t think he can keep dating sisters. So, to help make his decision he brings them to their house where they live with their mom.

Haley’s (?) room contains stuffed animals‎ and not one but two photos of her ex-boyfriend. “I thought they would put these away,” she half moans. Then Ben and Emily (?) lay down on her bed and hold hands and it’s like watching two tweens on a first date.

Ben sits down with their gorgeous mom for some insight on the Doublemint blonde beauties and ultimately he says goodbye to Haley. I think Haley was my favourite. Maybe. I have no idea. Haley is “grateful that Emily gets to continue on this journey with Ben.” These are genuinely sweet girls and to her credit Emily is sad to see her sister go too. At least Haley has adorable dogs and her mom for comfort tonight. I’ve lost count of how many dachshunds they have but it’s enough to dive into an adorable puppy pile. Also, I believe this is the first time on this show that someone has been dumped in front of their mom. At least I hope so. Hey maybe now we’ll get to see Emily’s real occupation instead of her being referred to as “twin”. Or is she funemployed too?‎ Also, if he ends up with Emily (he won’t) I would pay to see footage of that first family Thanksgiving.Moving on.

“There’s our boyfriend” someone announces hilariously as Ben approaches to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Olivia’s plans to (as per usual) pull Ben away first are foiled by Jennifer (go girl!) who confesses that she had planned to be the first to get some time with Ben. Unfortunately, Olivia just doesn’t give a shit and after what seems like seconds makes her way over and shoos away Jennifer so that her and Ben can eat cake and she can tell him three times that she is falling for him. Olivia, everyone knows that no one claims to be in love week four. That’s really more of a week five kind of crazy. Olivia tells JoJo that she’s falling in love with Ben and claims it was “reciprocated.” Um, no.

Jubilee and Ben share their first screen time tonight and he reiterates that he finds her sweet, beautiful and funny‎. She’s worried that being complicated is working against her. “I’m intrigued by you,” he reassures Jubilee.

They are setting this up for either Olivia or Jennifer (and probs Amber or Rachel) to be sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. I know Olivia is great TV‎ and all y’all but it’s time right? Jennifer gets a rose and Olivia is getting visibly nervous. The last rose of the evening goes to self-appointed “best for last” Olivia, meaning Amber and Rachel are dunzo. I will forget Amber was even there by the credits but I would have liked to see more of ‘unemployed’ Rachel. I thought she may be a dark horse but I think that may turn out to be Jennifer. I love that Amber removes her heels upon her exit. Love. She cries a LOT on a pool chaise and sobs that she “didn’t want to get hurt again.” So maybe lay off the dating shows, darling.

Next week promises a ton of Jubilee drama and Olivia targeting single mom Amanda.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.