I’ve got a fake laugh with your name written all over it, and I’m really good at bowling right before I throw up. According to my neighbour’s journal, I have boundary issues. I suffer from mild narcolepsy and an addiction to sarcasm, and I have a penchant for warm purse beers and making play-doh snakes. Have I mentioned I went to Tokyo? I’m sure I have. I’m kind of obnoxious that way. I follow celebrity gossip like it’s my job, and I do the world’s best karaoke of Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N’ Roses. True story. I once went vegan for 3 days and told a complete stranger that if they ate meat they were basically Hitler. When I’m home alone I’m generally allergic to pants, and I once ate 2 cupcakes during a yoga class. That’s just how I do.
I’m the kind of person who will buy you a fridge magnet that says ‘anus’ for your birthday, and I look really good in a leather jacket. I’m a great friend and listener/discount therapist, and I’m pretty good at drunk braiding hair. I’ll also pretty much eat anything that comes with a side order of fries. I took up tennis because I like sporting equipment that doubles as a weapon. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, but at least I’ve never dated a dude who wears a thumb ring.
Place of birth: Placenta, and Montréal
Current city: Toronto, Ontario
Likes: Air kisses, Rob Lowe, house plants, vodka/sodas, tea, my tattoos/your tattoos, accents, falling down, buffets, Scientologists (kidding!), rodeo clowns, tennis, Brooklyn, tic tacs, Costco, hover nuns, coat check, the letter W, lemon-scented everything, beer, the 5th dentist who DOESN’T recommend Trident, hotel bathrooms, anything Robert Downey Jr. likes, my bed, hand models, and post-its.
Dislikes: Celebrity Jeopardy, interpretive dance, high heels, Radiohead, people who like Radiohead, driving, malfunctioning parachutes, decaf coffee (seriously, what is the point), most boys named Mike, airplane bathrooms, horror movies, clowns, Emmy Rossum (except on ‘Shameless’), the word ‘scrotum’, and people who work in IT.
Hobbies: O.C. marathons, fear biting, shoplifting cheese, reading gossip blogs, handwriting analysis, playing pioneer, crashing debutante balls, naked chess, pretending to understand modern art, and packing up other people’s winter things.
Things about the opposite sex I notice first: Cleanliness, arms, and bank statements.
Me + alcohol leads to: Kissing short men and stand up comedy.
Vices: Movie nachos, cheap wine, and Hungarian erotica.
Favourite drink: Margaritas
Favourite movie: The Breakfast Club. I like clubs and breakfast. Boom.
Favourite song: In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel. For realsingtons.