Photo source: abc.com
Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode two of The Bachelor with Nick Viall (original air date: Monday, January 9, 2017).
Welcome back rose lovers! The best cure for a case of the Mondays is a new episode of The Bachelor to dissect, featuring Nick’s handsome handsome face/body. He’s got an ass you want to open on Christmas.
Host-with-the-most Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to address the 22 ladies vying for our Bachelor’s heart. First up this week is a group date. The women arrive in a parade of jean shorts and big smiles, where Nick reveals that they are doing a wedding photoshoot. “This date is meant to not be too serious,” says Nick. Yeah, duh. Dolphin/Shark girl Alexis gets designated as the shotgun (translation: fake pregnant) bride and Corinne brags about kissing Nick on night one while everyone else gets dressed up as brides, bridesmaids, and something – in Brittany’s case – that involves no top and a leaf-covered bikini bottom (priest?). Vegas wedding, biker wedding, 1980s wedding, princess wedding, oh my! After a pep talk from the creepy/awesome photographer, Taylor confesses to Nick that she’s already super into him.
Oh! The leaf-covered bikini bottom outfit on Brittany is supposed to be Eve, as in Adam and Eve. Some producer probably thought they were sooooo clever coming up with this idea.
SIDEBAR: HIRE ME BACHELOR SHOW I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING DATE IDEAS LIKE EATING A DOZEN DONUTS IN SILENCE WHILE MAINTAINING HARD EYE CONTACT WITH MY DATE AND ALSO GETTING DAY DRUNK AND NAPPING ON ALL THE BEDS AT IKEA.™
Corinne (who, for the record, is wearing a bathing suit) is jealous that Brittany gets to canoodle in the almost-buff with Nick. Not to be outdone, she flings off her bikini top with gusto while the other women watch and pretend to be amused/mortified. “No one has ever held my boobs like that,” she gushes, acting like she’s never had to barter for a coffee at Starbucks (that’s a thing we all do, right?). Corinne is crowned the winner of the photoshoot challenge, proving that keeping your top on is for losers. She gets to put on a proper wedding dress and drive off in a ‘Just Married’ convertible with Nick.
Later that night, Corinne is the first to pull our Bachelor aside for a chat. Nick tells Corinne he finds her “very sexy” and they kiss a bunch. He also smooches a blonde I can’t immediately identify. Raven confesses that she caught her last boyfriend cheating on her 8 months prior and he refers to her as having an “attractive personality” after she throws about the word asshole a few times. A few glasses of champagne in, Corinne is feeling feisty and decides to interrupt Nick’s time with Alexis. And later interrupts his time with Taylor. Who then interrupts them right back. The members of the We Hate Corinne Club do not appreciate that Corinne is running hard at our Bachelor after already having had “significant” alone time with him. Apparently, so did her nipple. Corinne returns to the women after her first interrupting and is all “my nipple may have been out but whatever.” The best part is that Corinne then has the stones to shit on Taylor for interrupting them, calling it “rude.” Um. Ok. The two of them then have the fakest ‘pretending to be ok with each other’ conversation, like, ever. “It’s gonna get uncomfortable, it’s gonna get crazy, it’s gonna get weird,” Corinne announces to the group, unnecessarily. The response? Crickets. Nick gives the date rose to Corinne, causing the other women to spontaneously combust. Metaphorically. She thinks her dad would be proud, by the way. This is a thing she says.
Back at the house, Liz (Nick’s deja bang – we found out in week one that they hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding) is being all coy when the talk turns to who has kissed Nick. Technically, she has…it was just 9 months ago. The date card arrives (the first one-on-one of the season) and it’s for my early fav, the adorable Danielle M. Their date begins on a helicopter (of course) which lands on a yacht in Newport Beach, because landing on a yacht in not Newport Beach is so 2015. They bond over their love of cheese (they’re both from Wisconsin) and Nick seems to really be enjoying his “normal day of dating.”
In a hot tub.
On a yacht.
Over a dinner that no one will ever eat, Danielle opens up to Nick about her fiancé dying from a drug overdose five years earlier. Fuck. “I genuinely feel like he’s trying to get to know me,” says a very sweet (perhaps ever-so-slightly boring) Danielle, and Nick gives her the date rose. They make out on a ferris wheel.
Meanwhile at the mansion, Liz is incapable of keeping secrets and decides to confide in Christen the Virgin that she hooked up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She prefaces this reveal by saying that “things are going to come out on the show.” Um, actually Liz they probably weren’t and you didn’t even make it 48 hours before spilling. Also, did anyone catch that Liz and Christen change outfits at least twice during this convo? The next group date card (“We need to talk”) arrives for Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina and a relieved Liz who is on a mission to get Nick alone for a chat.
The date finds our group at the Museum of Broken Relationships. Of course LA has this. I would like to meet the curator of this ‘museum.” The museum’s contents include things left behind in break-ups, including the engagement ring Nick had picked out for Kaitlyn. Ouch. A pair of actors stage a fake break-up at the museum. Turns out they are part of a live symposium of people acting out break-ups, which the women and Nick learn is part of their date today. Nick is going to get dumped six times over. “Fun!” says no one. In his voiceover, Nick admits to feeling a little bit awkward with Liz on the date, because of their history. Christen notices that he won’t make eye contact with Liz and seems a bit nervous. Liz notices the same, commenting that she feels like he’s avoiding her. We learn that Liz is a very pretty crier (jealous!).
After watching a few faux break-ups for inspiration, it’s time for Nick and his girlfriends to give it a go. Nick gets dumped in four boring ways, one painful way (a full on slap) and one awkward way: Liz gets real, and reads a note that depicts their meeting at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and having “a lot of fun” and then some emotional stuff. Aside from Christen, who Liz confided in the previous day, the other women just think this is a really believable fake break-up and that Liz is amazing at this game. Nick isn’t as moved by her performance, and admits in his private interview that it made him super uncomfortable and says they need to have a serious talk about her “being here.” He doesn’t like how she turned a group date into an opportunity to tell “her own version” of the night they hooked up. Ruh roh.
As a result of the Liz thing, Nick is having trouble concentrating during his time with the women later that evening. Luckily, Jaimi is around to lighten the mood with her reveal that she was in a relationship with a woman. During his talk with Christen (it’s extremely obvious that he has no romantic interest in her), the Liz thing comes up and Nick learns that Liz confided in Christen about having met/banged Nick. He worries that Liz is using their past relationship to get on TV, and pulls her aside. Nick remembers seeing her on night one as a “fun surprise” but adds that it “raised a lot of questions.” He says that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with him, she should have gotten his number from Jade or reached out at some point in the past nine months. When asked, Liz points to timing and perhaps technology as an issue – he was off shooting Bachelor in Paradise, she hates her phone or whatever. It’s all a bit murky. “I really wanted to cross paths with you again,” Liz emphasizes to Nick. But it’s too little, too late. Nick sends Liz home. He returns to the rest of the women on his date and spills the beans about their initial meeting.
Post-credits we are treated to Alexis and Nick celebrating the birthday…of her breasts. They are one year old! Happy boob-day Alexis!
And that’s where we leave things.
So, what are your thoughts on this week’s episode? Was Nick right to send Liz home? Hit me up in the comments.
Back next week.