Recap: The Bachelor – Week Four

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 4 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 25, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Let’s jump right into last night’s episode. There was a super awkward dance, a panic attack, and three women left in tears. So, pretty typical stuff.

Ben’s harem is dwindling and the vibe around the house is a little off. Olivia is all “Ben is my man,” and Chris Harrison arrives to cut the tension and announce that they are off to meet Ben in Las Vegas. The twins are super amped because they are from Vegas (of course) and Olivia wants to see Celine Dion. Her mood is hugely improved and her mouth is bigger than ever. Cut to Ben saying people can totes find love in Vegas (and STDs and a gambling addiction, but those go unmentioned). Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the women scream and lose their shit on the strip over a sign welcoming them to sin city. “I feel like a baller” says Leah (who?). The date card arrives at their fancy suite and it’s for a trembling-with-anticipation JoJo‎. Olivia is “not threatened” by her “piece” going on dates with other women. Oh good.

The twins – Emily and Haley – occupy themselves by twinning while Olivia continues to be not bothered by Ben’s “journey with other women.” Speaking of Ben, he picks JoJo up and they kick off their date with a glass of champagne on a rooftop where a helicopter arrives to pick them up. Their  glasses go flying everywhere while the other women watch from their suite and laugh…until they spot the cute duo kissing. And with that, Olivia’s confident demeanor shatters because JoJo is pretty and smart and awesome sauce.

JoJo and Ben’s chemistry takes them to new heights (see what I did there) while Olivia declares she “loves this man.” A group date card arrives and Olivia is on it, meaning by process of elimination that Becca‎ will have the next one-on-one in Vegas.

Back on their date, Ben and JoJo are back on solid ground and Ben tells her there are so many things about her that he’s attracted to. Promising! “I came into this whole thing telling myself I was going to be openhearted,” JoJo confesses. She tells Ben she ended her last relationship five months ago and that there were trust issues. As Ben adorably fiddles with her bracelet, she states that she is 100% open to their connection. She easily lands the date rose. “Jojo is somebody I am falling for,” Ben says. He leads her to the roof where they cuddle and stare at the Vegas lights and watch fireworks and make out a bunch. “I feel like I was being cheated on,” a peeping Olivia says, idiotically.

The next day Ben meets his group daters. Twins Emily and Haley love his cute nose and Lauren H. is worried about nipple tassels. ‎Olivia is now calling herself the front-runner (in her private interviews) and the women learn they will be presenting at a talent show. The twins are grateful that their mom put them in Irish dancing and are “in it to twin it!” Aren’t we all. Jubilee plays cello. Lauren H. rocks a chicken suit and the women suspect Olivia has a talent other than “being the center of attention.” I’m guessing it has something to do with her mouth. Some guy named Terry Fator who I’ve never heard of but who is probably the world’s most famous ventriloquist announces they will be opening for him that night and then does some mildly creepy ventriloquism. Is there any other kind?  Cue the ticket refunds from some pissed off day drunks.

Olivia gets decked out a-la-showgirl – cankles on full display – practicing her shimmy and praising her decision to shave that morning. The women are just hoping her talent is disappearing. I would do horribly in this challenge unless sarcasm and guacamole eating are considered stage talents.

Cutie Caila is “internally combusting” with nerves while Olivia can’t wait to get out on stage and grab our Bachelor’s attention. She states that when her and Ben are alone it’s “bam shabam.” I do not make this stuff up.

Haley and Emily rock their Riverdance while the crowd enthusiastically claps along. Lauren B. (who earlier claimed herself to have no talent) juggles, talentless-ly (probably not a real word). ‎Olivia jumps out of a cake (doesn’t seem like it’s her first time) and sort of jerks around on the stage and it’s awkward but funny and hey at least this pretty much confirms she’s not a stripper. For her efforts, Olivia gets a hug from Ben and some sass from one of Terry’s less polite puppets.

Backstage, Olivia wanders off to cry real hard (accompanied by Rachel) while the other ladies toast to their stage show. ‎If you’re wondering, I took this commercial break to find something to put guacamole on while I tried to recover from my second-hand embarrassment for Olivia. I landed on ‘spoon.’

Still backstage, an over-sized cardboard cake is like “Gurllll that was rough. Also, whose huge mouth took this bite out of me?” Rachel is being too nice while Olivia continues to cry off her embarrassment. ‎”I couldn’t even look at him because I knew he was mortified.” She is bummed about her ‘pity hug’ from Ben and is still reeling. “I’m here to be marriage material and I don’t think that (performance) was marriage material.”

Later that evening Ben thanks the women for being silly that day and Caila has her eye on the group date rose. It is her first group date, so she is thrilled when Ben pulls her away for some solo time. Caila immediately throws her arms around him and goes in for the makeout. Ben is amped to see her sexier side and legit refers to her as a “sex panther.” Hahahahahaha. ‎He’s super into Caila’s “quiet confidence”, and her body sitting on his body.

Lauren H. is out of the chicken suit and hot to trot. Her and Ben play with puppets in an empty theater and he says he wants to know the “cute, fun” Lauren so she kisses the puppet Ben and then the real Ben. I didn’t love her “soccer mom” comment last week but she’s growing on me.

The group date rose is on the table and Olivia pulls him away and opens with a joke about needing to get loaded to forget about her performance. She tells Ben she had “a complete breakdown” afterwards and lies that she’s not good at being “show-y.” Um, you should tell your mouth that. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed” he says, before Emily interrupts. How do you like that taste of your own medicine, Olivia? She shoves A LOT of her fingers into her mouth and says she’s scared that her brief time with Ben wasn’t enough to re-solidify their connection. Olivia returns to the group and finds some food to shove into her mouth instead of her own fingers.

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Olivia. Starved for fingers…and attention.

Ben and actual front runner Lauren B. are super into eachother. “I missed you soooo much” she tells our Bachelor and he assures her not to question his feelings. Lauren B. says she’s living with “all these amazing women” (nice!) and she realizes that Ben could so easily be falling for any of them. There’s a cute moment where she says she may have gone on her “last first date ever” with him and he seems super into it.

Caila uses a puppet to alert Jennifer that Olivia is en route to interrupt Ben and twin Emily despite Jennifer having not had time to chat with him. The ladies are so over Olivia tonight. “Can we start over?” Olivia half-pleads to the very confused Ben. “You don’t have to apologize,” Ben says and continues to be nice to her long enough for them to kiss and hopefully that will calm down some of her crazy. Ben gives the date rose to Lauren B. and hugs her on top of Amanda‎ while Olivia is all maniac blinks.

The next day a box arrives for Becca and it’s a wedding dress in (appropriately) virgin white. She looks stunning in it of course but Jubilee ain’t worried. “She’s a virgin. If she hasn’t lost it in 26 years, it isn’t going to happen in six hours.”

Becca says she feels totally different this time around. So basically that’s her finally  admitting that despite making it to the final two on Chris Soules’ season, she just wasn’t that into him. Their date starts at a chapel, where Ben gets down on one knee and proposes…they they officiate weddings for some ‎randoms. Ben is ordained and Becca will be his assistant I presume. The first groom arrives and, yeah, Ben marries them. He’s so excited he forgets to tuck in his shirt. “We’ll cherish ‎that forever,” the groom says. The parade of couples continue and by the end, Ben and Becca have married a bunch of randoms including a dude in a tuxedo t-shirt.

JESUS CHRIST DID SOMEONE LET ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS BOOK BE MADE INTO A MOVIE?!?!?! WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT CALLED ‘THE CHOICE’?! I CHOOSE NO. Who is the monster that keeps green lighting these?  Sorry. Commercials.

Later that evening Ben takes Becca to the famed Vegas neon sign museum (I can’t believe I’ve not been yet – I’m due for a 3rd trip to Vegas) where they stroll hand-in-hand. “Can she love, can she feel, can she commit?” Ben wonders. “I care so much more at this point than I did last season” Becca tells Ben. “I think the outcome could be really great.” Ben is all ‘feel your feelings’ and he says he had some concerns about her going to the final two with Chris and seemingly not having strong feelings but apparently they have talked through that and he’s not worried anymore. Becca isn’t bothered by Ben not being a virgin (she’s probably a phenomenal kisser at this point), and he admires her commitment or whatever. “I really like you,” she gushes‎. They exchange adorable ‘vows’ and kiss a bunch and, to Ben, she is “perfect in every way.” Becca secures the date rose and could see herself saying yes to a proposal.

Host Chris Harrison drops by the next day to announce that Ben has asked to spend the day with the twins. Ooh a dreaded two-on-one! These typically end in an elimination. This should be…interesting. Or maybe he’ll keep them both and they can move in with those sister wives people who live nearby. Curious to know if Ben can even tell them apart. Also, did they do this date in Vegas to save on airfare sending one of the twins home since they are locals? Olivia’s mouth is on full alert and the women are wondering if maybe he will send them both home. “Dating twins has been difficult,” says Captain Obvious. He doesn’t think he can keep dating sisters. So, to help make his decision he brings them to their house where they live with their mom.

Haley’s (?) room contains stuffed animals‎ and not one but two photos of her ex-boyfriend. “I thought they would put these away,” she half moans. Then Ben and Emily (?) lay down on her bed and hold hands and it’s like watching two tweens on a first date.

Ben sits down with their gorgeous mom for some insight on the Doublemint blonde beauties and ultimately he says goodbye to Haley. I think Haley was my favourite. Maybe. I have no idea. Haley is “grateful that Emily gets to continue on this journey with Ben.” These are genuinely sweet girls and to her credit Emily is sad to see her sister go too. At least Haley has adorable dogs and her mom for comfort tonight. I’ve lost count of how many dachshunds they have but it’s enough to dive into an adorable puppy pile. Also, I believe this is the first time on this show that someone has been dumped in front of their mom. At least I hope so. Hey maybe now we’ll get to see Emily’s real occupation instead of her being referred to as “twin”. Or is she funemployed too?‎ Also, if he ends up with Emily (he won’t) I would pay to see footage of that first family Thanksgiving.Moving on.

“There’s our boyfriend” someone announces hilariously as Ben approaches to start the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party. Olivia’s plans to (as per usual) pull Ben away first are foiled by Jennifer (go girl!) who confesses that she had planned to be the first to get some time with Ben. Unfortunately, Olivia just doesn’t give a shit and after what seems like seconds makes her way over and shoos away Jennifer so that her and Ben can eat cake and she can tell him three times that she is falling for him. Olivia, everyone knows that no one claims to be in love week four. That’s really more of a week five kind of crazy. Olivia tells JoJo that she’s falling in love with Ben and claims it was “reciprocated.” Um, no.

Jubilee and Ben share their first screen time tonight and he reiterates that he finds her sweet, beautiful and funny‎. She’s worried that being complicated is working against her. “I’m intrigued by you,” he reassures Jubilee.

They are setting this up for either Olivia or Jennifer (and probs Amber or Rachel) to be sent home in the Sad Gal Limo™. I know Olivia is great TV‎ and all y’all but it’s time right? Jennifer gets a rose and Olivia is getting visibly nervous. The last rose of the evening goes to self-appointed “best for last” Olivia, meaning Amber and Rachel are dunzo. I will forget Amber was even there by the credits but I would have liked to see more of ‘unemployed’ Rachel. I thought she may be a dark horse but I think that may turn out to be Jennifer. I love that Amber removes her heels upon her exit. Love. She cries a LOT on a pool chaise and sobs that she “didn’t want to get hurt again.” So maybe lay off the dating shows, darling.

Next week promises a ton of Jubilee drama and Olivia targeting single mom Amanda.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be back next week.

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