Recap: The Bachelor – Week Three

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of The Bachelor with Ben Higgins (original air date: Monday, January 18, 2016).

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Bachelor Ben Higgins. Photo source: ABC.com

Welcome back rose lovers, you adorable Monday night binge drinkers. Lots to get to from last night’s episode. So grab a coffee and shuffle some papers on your desk to make it look like you’re doing work and here we go.

We kick off week three with a shot of Lauren B. and Amanda gossiping over coffee about how apparently Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes to come on the show! Host Chris Harrison arrives and addresses Ben’s harem in the living room with the first date card which is for, predictably, Lauren B. “The sky’s the limit” the card reads. “She’s somebody that has stood out to me from the moment she stepped out of the limo,” Ben says of Lauren B. Fight attendant Lauren should feel right at home at the airport Ben drives them to but she’s nervous at the prospect of getting onto a tiny plane (called a bi-plane) that looks like it came out of a Kinder Surprise Egg. All fears aside, Lauren and Ben are soon flying high on romance and fumes. The plane is a perfect shade of won’t crash yellow, which helps soothes her nerves. The kissing helps too even though it looks hella awkward. Ben and Lauren even do a fly-by over the mansion where the other women are lounging by the pool and day drinking (jealous).

After their plane adventure, Ben gives Lauren a piggyback ride to a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. It’s like Oprah showed up on set one day and was all “hot tubs for everyone!!!” Also, that must be one long as fuck extension chord. I’ve always dreamed of undressing behind a tree on a date so hopefully this was also on Lauren B’s bucket list. Now bathing-suit clad, the duo climb into the hot tub. That’s 2 hot tubs in 2 weeks, if anyone is keeping count (I know you are). Ben throws around the word “peaceful” a few times and Lauren giggles that she might get her pilot’s license. Ben is totes smitten, that much is obvious. It’s all a bit bland but not offensive. I miss Kaitlyn as Bachelorette. She had enough personality to make dates fun to watch. This one is…not. The best part is that Ben looks at Lauren like ‘whoa’ which is pretty cute.

Back at the house, Caila (who had last week’s first one-on-one date) is emotional because apparently it’s just hitting her now that she could get her heart broken. ‎”It’s hard to have an open heart,” she cries. If you had 15 minutes in your first tears of the night pool you just made yourself some latte money my friend.

On the evening portion of their date, Lauren is in a beautiful white dress which I would never have the guts to wear because red wine. Lauren talks about her dad’s love for simple things like family and lawn maintenance. She seems to have a really good head on her shoulders and I can see these two making it to the end to end up in pretty, albeit perhaps somewhat boring, coupledom. Lauren says she is “very picky” which is why no one has put a ring on it yet.

At the house a group date card arrives for like 65 of the women it seems.‎ We are reminded that there is a Rachel. We all forgot about Rachel right? Apparently her nervousness about being on the date card translates to holding her abs and I’m all like we get it Rachael your core is ridic.

After Ben tells Lauren B. about his father’s heart problems she sorta blurts out that she wants to meet his parents but it plays adorable and not at all stage 5 clinger. After giving her the date rose, another band I’ve never heard of who is probably super famous in middle America serenades them. ‎On The Bachelor, every barn/castle/pub/gallery is secretly the Peach Pit after Dark and if you do not get that reference I am old enough to have been your babysitter and I hate you also please teach me Instagram thanks.

The next morning the women on the group date run hard at Ben on a soccer field. Ben likes to see what “attitudes they bring to the table”. In case we have forgotten, Ben is totes into all the sports and right in his element on the field. Rachel, whose profession is listed as “unemployed” (jealous again) is psyched when two female pro soccer players join them on the field for some ball training (pun intended).

Back at the Mansion of Tears, Jubilee is “beginning to fall for Ben” and is worried that she isn’t Ben’s type. His type being, she predicts, the “always happy girls.” ‎Jubilee sees herself as “complicated” (invoking thoughts of this Sex and the City scene, right?) and is worried Ben won’t be into her.

Chris Harrison joins the field crew to divide the women into teams to compete for an after-party with Ben. Olivia is all grrrr I got this‎ agro and the twins are split up and I am bored.

It’s Team Stars vs. Team Stripes‎ in a soccer match to the death (it feels like). Olivia has her TV announcer voice on all the time and Lace doesn’t understand soccer and the referee is kind of handsome and twin Emily is some sort of soccer savant goalie. “Balls flying at your face is never fun” she says. Oh come on, which producer got her to say that? Slow clapping for you, whoever you are. Previously invisible Rachel quickly recovers from an injury because love means never feeling a torn ligament, I guess? In the end, the victors are Team Stripes. So basically Olivia. So her and her mouth (did she get more teeth since last week??) will be all over the after party.

The sad Stars return to the house heartbroken and actually broken in Rachel’s case while Ben cheers to the winners and wears the shit out of a leather jacket. Amber’s goal is to finally get some alone time with Ben but Olivia swoops in first and they wander off holding hands into a hotel room and they wave down to the other women from a balcony. After getting comfy on the couch Olivia is all “the other women find me intimidating” which Ben seems kinda cool with since he gets that giving her the first impression rose on night one did essentially put a target on her back.

When Olivia returns from touching faces with Ben, Jami reveals to Olivia that the other women were making fun of her toes and gossiping that Olivia has fake boobs and bad breath. To her credit, Olivia is like “perfection is boring.”  Nice!

The next solo date card arrives at the house and it’s for Jubilee and she jumps up and down and maybe pees herself.

Back on the group date after-party, Amber finally makes her big move and tells Ben she knows what she wants and likes the way he handles himself and they share their first kiss and it’s enough to get her the date rose. “Now I know why I came back,” she says and I shout “because Bachelor in Paradise finished filming and you needed an excuse to wear all those bathing suits you bought?”

Jubilee is still in shock at getting the one-on-one date because she’s not a princess and she psyches herself out a bit and predicts she may go all “socially awkward‎” on the date. Previously ghostly quiet Jami refers to Jubilee as an “awko taco” and now she’s my favourite. Yup, it’s that easy. Toughie Jubilee is “deathly afraid of heights” and jokingly offers to give up her date when she sees the helicopter that lands on the grounds of the house to pick her and Ben up. The other women are disproportionately offended at Jubilee’s lack of gosh darn over the top enthusiasm. I mean, clearly she’s one of those people who defaults to sarcasm when they are nervous or on the spot (raises hand in solidarity). Ben’s hands are apparently made of magic or Valium because while Jubilee is nervous at first, she calms down quick on the helicopter ride when Ben puts his hand on her leg.

Their date takes place at an insanely Pinterest-worthy spa where they try caviar which Jubilee spits out (true story) and she confesses her love of hot dogs and her nervousness at being on the date. “Jubilee intrigues me,” Ben says. There’s another hot tub (!) and Jubilee gets to show off some of her tattoos and their interaction is totally different than the other women and Ben seems to dig it. She teases him a bit and babbles on a bit and makes him blush and she gushes in her voice-over that Ben might really “get her.” He’s certainly intrigued. It’s at least more interesting than the Lauren date, despite a clearly stronger romantic connection there.

Things get emotional over dinner as we learn more about Jubilee’s sad past. She was adopted out of Haiti when the rest of her family died, and Ben is very impressed by her strength and depth. He gives her the date rose and she sits on his lap so they can make out without that pesky food no one ever eats in the way. Ben with Jubilee is the most interesting version of Ben so far (aside from his time with Kaitlyn last season). More of this, please.

The next morning everyone is shocked to learn that Jubilee clearly got over her awko taco phase and killed it on the date enough to get a rose and stick around for another week. This is particularly horrifying to Lauren H. because suddenly word on the street is that Jubilee is mean and she won’t fit in with the other soccer moms. She specifically says “soccer moms.” Ugh.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party Ben tearfully announces that two close family friends passed away in a plane crash, and true to form Olivia is the first to steal him away for solo time. Instead of saying something even remotely comforting or sweet she tears up and tells Ben that people are crap talking her cankles and oh yeah she hates her legs too. This may be clever editing but if this was the first and only thing Olivia said to Ben for realsies rather than to see how he was handling the loss of his friends then she is a real cuntbasket. Amanda comes in and saves the day with her sweet talking and sympathy eyes.

A lot of the women are gossiping about Jubilee tonight,‎ which makes her retreat a bit into herself and separate from the other women. In her voice-over she alludes to other women not really liking her which typically raises an insta red flag with me because my female friendships are my life and I’m generally weary of girls who are all “I don’t get along with other women.” But with Jubilee, I find myself nodding and not rolling my eyes when she says this stuff, even when she describes herself as “more complicated than the other women.” She may be right. Jubilee later leads Ben to a massage table that has been set up nearby and gives him a massage to help take his mind off things (apparently massages are, like, his favourite) while Becca leads a pack of spies to creep on their solo time. Not a great side of Becca. Now Lace (who may or may not already be faced but frankly it’s hard to tell at this point) is pissed too because while Jubilee is safe from elimination this week she is not and thinks it unfair that Jubilee is hogging extra time.

Amber weirdly appoints herself the spokesperson for the angry anti-Jubilee mob and a crew of period-synched ladies hunt Jubilee down to express their anger over her rub down rendezvous with our Bachelor. Jubilee locks herself into a bathroom and shouts down any woman who approaches her. Ben tries to calm her down and Amber interrupts and makes her cry and tells her the other women were offended that she didn’t seem “grateful” enough to be going on a solo date with Ben. Ben handsomely interjects that he likes Jubilee just the way she is and says he takes responsibility for the emotions in the house. Uhhh good luck with that. Emotionally depleted, he then has to deal with Lace. He actually sighs while following her outside.

A tearful Lace launches into an apology and says she has “a lot of work to do” on herself and that she may need to bail so that she can go home and, like, do that. Hmm..is it possible Lace is trying to save face because she senses she will be roseless by the end of the night? Either way, she is making the right decision. Lace quotes a tattoo she has as inspiration for her departure. The tattoo says something like “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself” or something. Where the eff on her body is that? And then, with very minimal fanfare and almost cold detachment, she is gone. Did NOT see that one coming. At all. Lace does say in her departure interview that if she got her shit together she hopes she could be with someone as great as Ben. Ben is like a crazy whisperer!!!

If I referred to my tattoos every time I suddenly exited a reality dating show it would go something like: “My random upper arm Egyptian looking symbol that I got when I was 16 in a van at a music festival really showed me that I had to follow my gut but, more specifically, my lower back Gemini tattoo and really take some quality time with my dad’s initial on my ankle because French word for faith on my wrist” and the dude would already be  gone and back inside the house from the moment I said the word “van” and he’d be toasting 20 women coated in spray tan.

After a super emotional rose ceremony where Olivia shakily accepts the final rose of the night (punishment, we assume, for her untimely and self-centered comments earlier), a “blindsided” Jami and jumpsuit-clad Shushanna are left roseless and off to the limo of Sad Gal Tears™. Turns out Shushanna speaks English. Quite well! Cue the sad piano music over Jami’s (hopefully joking) exit line: “I’m going to start adopting cats now.” But lest we forget Olivia. She may have received the last rose but she will not be deterred! She reads a shit ton of subtext into Ben’s post-rose hug and lays down some fighting words: “He’s my man at this point.” If this is the logic we apply to life then, here’s one for me: My Starbucks barista drew a smiley face on my coconut latte cup this morning so we’re totally engaged now!

Next week the Bachelor and his dwindling harem are off to Vegas where Olivia continues to piss everyone off. In a post-credit hot tub blooper, we re-visit Ben and Lauren B. in the hot tub and there’s a weird noise and they laugh and are silly and it’s actually the best part of the date.

Until next week!

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