Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six (episode seven) of The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn Bristowe (original air date: Monday, June 22, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up right where last week left off – with the men lounging about the lobby of the St. Anthony hotel in San Antonio, Texas and a super awkward convo between our Bachelorette Kaitlyn and Ian. Ian feels that he’s “pretty deep” but that his connection with Kaitlyn is “superficial.” Apparently, the other men in the house are all about fart jokes and movie quotes (hello soulmates!) and he’s just so above that. Ian went on the Bachelorette to “meet the girl who got her heart broken, not the girl who wanted to get her field ploughed by Chris (Soules – the most recent Bachelor)…I feel that you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV.” After calling her a “surface-level girl,” Ian reiterates how he basically came on the show to meet the broken shell of a woman who got her ass dumped on national TV. Don’t forget y’all – he went to Princeton. “I’m super offended by you,” Kaitlyn manages to say while somehow holding back from junk-punching Ian. “The fact that you’re sitting here calling me ‘surface level’…do you not think you’re being super offensive?” she half-shouts.
While she’s justifiably defending herself, Ian’s all lame-faced like:
Ian finally takes his leave and a livid Kaitlyn regroups, finding comfort on the couch with Nick. Ian hops into a waiting SUV and whines that he was punished for being an intellectual. He blabbers on about being “deep” and says he should be named Bachelor. Ian also claims that in the real world he doesn’t feel that women have trouble relating to him because he’s “too deep.” He does not mention whether woman have trouble relating to him because he’s a total douche-nozzle. Good riddance. Weird that Ian turned out to be one of the bigger douche b’s of the season, rivaling the ousted Clint and the still-in-contention for douche of the year JJ.
“My blood is boiling,” Kaitlyn tells Nick. He tells her he loves “what they bring out in each other” and tells her that if they should end up together he wants to know Kaitlyn inside out. The men notice that Kaitlyn has hidden away with Nick to lick her wounds, and Shawn – who in last week’s episode confessed to Kaitlyn that he was falling in love with her – starts to spiral.
Kaitlyn rejoins her man harem and gives them the lowdown on Ian’s shitty behaviour until host Chris Harrison arrives to announce the start of the rose ceremony. After the roses are handed out, the men sent packing in the sad sack limo are Justin and Joshua (finally!). Their goodbyes are drama free, and Chris announces that they’re off to Dublin, Ireland. Huzzah! Pubs, cathedrals, a pending sex scandal. Dublin has it all.
On their date, Nick and Kaitlyn stroll around Ireland and can’t keep their hands off each other. There are street performers and birds (Kaitlyn is more terrified of the latter while nothing scares me more than street performers) and they buy Claddagh rings and make out in alleys. Kaitlyn and Nick have an undeniable connection and are very comfortable with each other. It feels as if Nick has been there from the start. “Right now where my heart is at, I want to figure it out with you” he tells her over pints at a pub. Kaitlyn fake worries that their chemistry is almost “too passionate” but makes out with him for hours in a bar anyways.
Back at the bro-tel, a group date card arrives and by process of elimination we learn that JJ and Joe will, later in the week, be going on the dreaded two-on-one date. The two-on-one has historically been the date where our Bachelor/Bachelorette picks two people who they’re pretty meh on and one gets sent home during the date. As far as I know, no one who has ever been on a two-on-one date has ever ended up with our Bachelor/Bachelorette (but please feel free to correct me in the comments – I’m not a Tanner-level Bachelor/Bachelorette expert!).
Back on their date, it’s night time now and Kaitlyn and Nick are pretending to eat dinner. “What I feel for you and what we have is such a magical feeling,” Nick gushes. Groan. They make out some more (have I mentioned their date is in a church) and he tells her that he’s “feeling her.” Yeah, we know. We’re not headless. They manage to stop sucking face for 7 seconds, during which she hands him the date rose. Kaitlyn declares that Nick makes her “feel like a woman.” Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her hotel to hang out for a bit. Just in case we weren’t clear about their crazy chemistry, Nick picks Kaitlyn up in the middle of the street so they can make out acrobatically.
Meanwhile, the other men in Kaitlyn’s harem are just hoping she’s “having a good time right now.” I’d say so! Shawn says he’s “still trying to get a read on Nick.” Jared says he hasn’t seen Nick and Kaitlyn interact. Well Jared, if you were to pop up to Kaitlyn’s room right now you would see more interaction than you could handle.
Kaitlyn and Nick head into the boudoir but they’re still mic’d. MY GOD WHY ARE THE CAMERA GUYS STILL IN THE ROOM?!?! I only just manage not to do a spit take when Nick is picked up saying “I want to know every part of you.”
The next morning, Nick does the hotel walk of shame back to his room while Kaitlyn is all smiles on her balcony. “We deserved that time together,” she says. And then the guilt sets in. Hard. Not about the act itself, but about the other relationships that she has. Kaitlyn wonders aloud how she would have felt if Chris Soules and Britt had banged while she was vying for his heart last season. Kaitlyn also starts to worry that Nick might tell the other men.
Nick returns and has the biggest grin all over his face that practically screams “I got some!” For now, he keeps mum and only reveals that he hung out with Kaitlyn in her room after their date and that it was “intimate,” but manages to use that word casually and no one picks up any any sex shenanigans. Joe tells Nick that our Bachelorette also had some private time with Shawn after one of the group dates, which is news to me. I suspect that will come back later.
Kaitlyn has now entered the ‘of fuck what did I do’ phase of her guilt but it’s time to bottle up that noise and embark on the group date. The men are all suited up for their “morbid” date, and my boyfriend Ben H. says “I just feel better being alive when I’m around Kaitlyn.” Isn’t my boyfriend the best? Chris Harrison announces that Kaitlyn is dead…for today. Jared mourns the loss of Kaitlyn’s “terrible laugh.” Ha. Time to attend a traditional Irish wake. Oh shit Kaitlyn is in a coffin, grasping a flask (which she then hands to Chris Harrison). Kaitlyn’s the worst at playing dead, and never stops laughing. Harrison says that Irish wakes are about celebrating the person’s life and encourages the men to make a toast to Kaitlyn. Jared wraps up his speech by kissing the ‘corpse’, Chris “Cupcake” sings his sentiments, and Shawn says he would be dead too if he had to spend a full day with Nick. This last one illicits the biggest laugh from Kaitlyn. Ben Z. clears the room when his turn comes, and Kaitlyn worries that the wake date might not be the most appropriate for someone who lost his mom at a young age. Ben Z. keeps it fairly light-hearted and gives a cute speech, telling Kaitlyn she will always be in his heart. He wraps it up saying “want me to go get your other boyfriends?” Nailed it.
The evening portion of the group date is decidedly less morbid, with the men and Kaitlyn meeting up at the Guinness storehouse. Ben Z. is the first to score some solo time with our Bachelorette and he admits that the fake wake was hard on him. These two have lost some steam since their one-on-one date but Kaitlyn’s interest in this “teddybear” seems to be reignited, at least for the time being. Jared and Kaitlyn also share a cute moment where they mostly talk about all the other cute moments they’ve spent together.
Shawn is threatening (once again) to put his guard back up because of Nick (again) and Kaitlyn even comments that he seems off. Shawn shows Kaitlyn some family pictures, getting her right in the cuterus. Afterwards, he feels way more “confident” that he will get the date rose. Ultimately, the group date rose goes to an elated Jared. Shawn is gutted because, according to him, Kaitlyn has indicated that he’s “the one” so he was looking for validation in the form of a flower. Um, I don’t recall Kaitlyn ever saying he was “the one.” Just me?
As the recipient of the date rose, Jared joins Kaitlyn in a cathedral where the Cranberries are playing and suddenly I’m back in the 8th grade and loving every minute of it. Shawn is emotional and chatty and tells a producer that him in Kaitlyn snuck up to her room one night and stayed up talking for six or seven hours and she apparently told him “you’re the one.” He says he wouldn’t be able to handle her “banging” two other dudes in the Fantasy Suite. He returns the hotel to see Kaitlyn, who he feels is “ruining” everything they have, and mentions again the “off-camera time” they spent together. This must be what Joe was referring to earlier. He knocks at her door and lo and behold interrupts her eating. So this is when our Bachelorette actually eats! Our last shot is of Kaitlyn in her private interview breaking down crying and saying she “can’t do this anymore.” From the sneak peak of next week’s episode it looks like it will be tears, tears and more tears. We also catch up briefly with Britt who is chatting with her mom about Brady. Mom has just met Brady and thinks he seems like a great ‘friend.” Ah the ‘f’ word. Britt hopes her mom doesn’t mean ‘friend zone.’ She meant ‘friend zone,’ Britt. Clear. As. Day.
Until next week!