Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five (episode six) of The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn Bristowe (original air date: Monday, June 15, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! I just realized why our newest Bachelorette contestant Nick V. sounds so familiar. He has the same voice as Jason Segel, no? Anyhoodle, Nick V. enters the lion’s den (also known as the men’s bro-tel room). Resident Bachelorette Gossip Archivist/placeholder Tanner questions Nick about recently spending time with his former television girlfriend Andi. Nick confirms they met up but it was simply to “bury the hatchet.” Nice euphemism! But in all seriousness, the men are concerned that Nick V. is just here to get his 18th minute of fame or whatever, and it’s a fair concern. The grilling continues, and the men want to know how much Kaitlyn and Nick have spoken prior to him joining the other men on this ‘journey’ for Kaitlyn’s heart. Nick says it’s been texting and tweets and a phone call or two. Nick emphasizes that he “had to meet” Kaitlyn in person and totally understands why the men are bothered by his arrival. “I just hope you can respect why I’m here.” With the awkward intros out of the way, the men suit up and head into the COCKtail party at Citi Field where the Mets play or whatever.
Kaitlyn arrives and is feeling anxious to know what the ‘mood’ is with Nick joining the crew. She addresses her man harem to tell them that if they want to discuss anything with her they should feel free to do so. JJ is the first to score private time with our Bachelorette, and he picks her up and runs her around the four bases (again, not a euphemism). Later, having apparently moved on from his failed bromance with Clint, he tells Shawn that he’s the “most handsome guy here” but when he’s pissed his jaw gets all clenched and that ain’t pretty. When Tanner and Kaitlyn chat, he conveys that Nick “pussyfooted” around the Andi question back in the hotel room. Yawn-faced Joshua is one of Nick’s most vocal opponents but nobody cares what he has to say. Finally Shawn and Kaitlyn get some solo time and he drives it home that the arrival of Nick has caused his guard to go back up. Kaitlyn is mildly annoyed (understandably) that Shawn would let that happen given that she’s made it clear what a “strong connection” they’ve had since day one. She asks Shawn to hold her hand and then he says he wishes she were smarter (but quickly backpeddles) and adds that Nick is “full of shit.” Her convo with Shawn sends Kaitlyn into a bit of a tailspin. “I really like Nick but my worst nightmare has come true…maybe it was wrong to let Nick into the group.” Meaning, if Nick is going to eff up my chances of making out with Shawn forever and ever then maybe he’s not worth it.
Nick heads into the apparently sub-zero temperature rose ceremony not having had time to chat with Kaitlyn and knowing that the other dudes spent their time shitting on his presence, so he’s understandably nervous. Turns out there’s no need to be, as Nick receives the final (obvi) rose of the evening. With that, perfectly-scarfed Ryan, American Psycho-faced Corey and hot dad Jonathan are sent home.
Kaitlyn and her dwindling man harem depart New York for San Antonio, Texas. It says nothing flattering about Nick V. That JJ seems to be the only dude chatting him up. Our Bachelorette’s first one-on-one date of the week is with my boyfriend Ben H. – who gets picked up in an old truck that the men lose their shit over – and whisked off to ‘the oldest dance hall in Texas.’ They meet their dance teacher Debbie who will endeavour to teach the cute duo the two-step. Kaitlyn hopes the two have chemistry on the dance floor. A bunch of cute townsfolk are interviewed about how dancing = love and whatever. The dancing goes fine but they get tapped out in Round 2. Oh well, more time to drink beer and carve their initials into a wall and stare at Ben’s ridiculously handsome face. Seriously. It’s distracting.
Back at the bro-tel, the group date card arrives. By process of elimination, we learn that Shawn (who’s been pouty all week) will be getting the final solo date of the week.
On the evening portion of their date, Kaitlyn and Ben H. start to open up to each other over drinks. Turns out my boyfriend is only 26, something which Kaitlyn brings up in terms of ‘are you ready to be engaged?’ I AM OK WITH YOU BEING 26 BEN H. Just saying. Kaitlyn hands over the date rose while I start soft stalking Ben H. on the internets.
On her group date, Kaitlyn gets serenaded by a suave 12 year old named Sebastian who tells the dudes “I just won her heart over, now it’s your turn to try to take her heart back.” HA. The men are then forced to write and eventually perform mariachi songs under the tutelage of this pint-sized singing sensation. Kaitlyn hopes Ian’s sense of humour comes out while Joshua never stops talking to any camera nearby about Nick. During the singing contest, Joe asks Kaitlyn to mariachi him and Ian totally blows it despite actually having a decent singing voice. You can almost hear Kaitlyn’s attraction to him vaporize. Nick one-ups the dudes by singing to Kaitlyn on a balcony, crooning that their “connection” gives him an “erection.” Boom. Points to Nick.
Later on the group date Joshua asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair because she’s a “barber.” She razors him a perfect bald spot on the side of his head and he ends up with a sort of mohawk disaster situation going on. Everyone cracks up when they see his hair, and it’s a nice comic relief in an otherwise tense group of men. Nick and Kaitlyn quickly get to kissing while Joshua’s “guy intuition” continues to scream at him that Nick ain’t up to no good. Joshua’s “desire to be honest and truthful could be his downfall,” Ian predicts, while Joshua approaches Kaitlyn. Couldn’t Tanner – the resident Bachelorette historian – have warned his pal Joshua that being the guy who tries to worm his way into the Bachelorette’s heart by warning her about another dude immediately puts that dude into the friend zone? Every time. After speaking to Joshua, Kaitlyn is pissed off that none of the other dudes have expressed any strong feelings about Nick to her. So now she feels like a moron who is being lied to by all her boyfriends. There’s a weird sentence.
Joshua returns to the group and says he’s been in an interview, but they all know he was actually chatting with Kaitlyn. Meanwhile, she just wants them all to “be over” the Nick situation already. She joins the men and puts Joshua on the spot about what he revealed to her. Nobody cops to feeling the same as Joshua (probs because he seems to feel disproportionally upset about Nick given that him and Kaitlyn have, like, zero chemistry). Not a single guy. P.S. this entire conversation happens in front of Nick. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. Joshua’s misguided chivalry backfires totally, because Nick gets the date rose. Snap!
It’s finally time for Ryan Gosling-err.. I mean Shawn’s one-on-one date with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn gushes that her connection with Shawn was immediate, with her being all like “whoa” when he get out of the limo on night one and panties across North America dropped in collective delight. He received the first impression rose, presumably because he’s just so good at getting out of limos. She also like his voice and smell. Hello pheromones! Thanks god we get to see Shawn in a bathing suit, as the two kayak attractively in the river. Over dinner, he talks about their crazy connection and how unexpected it was. He also reveals that he was in a terrible car accident five years ago and was in the hospital for months. The doctors said they’d never seen anyone survive an accident like that. Shawn’s just happy to be hanging out with Kaitlyn and, you know, alive. They make out for days and Shawn confesses that he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn (that was quick!). She reciprocates, saying she feels the same way. #BreakingAllTheRules “What I’m feeling right now is that was my husband telling me he loves me for the first time,” Kaitlyn says in her private interview. Date rose, meet frontrunner. Afterwards they watch fireworks but I fast forwarded because I’m terrified of them and would be peeing myself on that date.
Meanwhile, Ian wants to remind us that he’s a former model and athlete who cheated death. He’s a catch. He would make a great Bachelor. Hold up: Ian just pulled the #1 villain move on this show: the “I would make a great Bachelor” statement. Oh hells no Ian.
At the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail, Kaitlyn addresses her man harem and emphasizes that she wants to build their relationships from trust and honesty. She admits that the way the group date ended earlier in the week didn’t sit super well with her, and toasts to “honesty and tonight.” Kaitlyn and Jared stroll hand-in-hand to her suite and clearly these two have a great connection. “I don’t question you…or your intentions,” Kaitlyn tells him. In turn, Jared tells her that he feels like he’s falling in love with her. “That makes me really happy,” Kaitlyn whispers back.
Back at the COCKtail party, Ian says Kaitlyn is making him look bad because she’s not falling all over him. “Just pick one of the lames,” he tosses off. Ian thinks Ian is a wonderful catch and can’t fathom why Kaitlyn isn’t super into him. “I could be The Bachelor,” he states again. “Who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.” I hope that gift comes with a gift receipt. Ian also doesn’t find our Bachelorette interesting, apparently. And he gets a ton of sex in his own life so this is now boring as shit for him. Ian plans to go out “guns blazing.” When Ian and Kaitlyn finally talk, he tells her that he came here for love, not a vacation. After complaining about the poop jokes that are de rigueur in the house (which just confirms that I would fit in perfectly in that house), Ian tells Kaitlyn that he feels she’s just here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV and is a “surface-level” person. And with that dropped bomb, we’re done for the week.
Next week promises to reveal Ian’s true douchebag nature and all the ‘did Kaitlyn bang one out with one of these dudes?’ drama you can handle. Until then rose lovers!