Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four (episode five) of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 8, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up with Kaitlyn on douche patrol. Destination: Clint. She enters the house to whisk Clint away and confront him about the rumours swirling that he’s a world-class villain. Clint launches into a speech about his new BFF status with JJ. “This isn’t about your relationship with JJ,” Kaitlyn half-shouts. He claims that everyone in the house is “cool” with him, and Kaitlyn counters that she doesn’t trust him. She walks Clint back inside to say his goodbyes, where – shocker! – the apple of his eye JJ turns on him and demands that Clint apologize to the other dudes for “taking time and emotions” away from them. Clint looks more gutted about JJ’s actions than getting the boot from Kaitlyn. Clint and JJ have their own break-up and it goes…not great. By the end they’re swearing at each other and threatening violence and then Clint drops this: “Hey that tie goes really good with your shirt, you piece of shit.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. The end of “bro-back mountain” as the other men have coined them is officially the best break-up in Bachelorette history. Sadly, Kaitlyn still only sees Clint as the devil and appears to be blind to JJ’s all around ass clownery. Speaking of JJ, he’s busy crying and slapping himself in the face. Where’s all that “villain’s gotta vill” stuff now, JJ? After the drama of the evening, there’s relief in the mansion when Kaitlyn announces that she’s foregoing the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison tells the men to pack their bags because they’re all off to New York City tomorrow.
The men arrive at their Times Square hotel and shout at the city from a rooftop patio. Classic. The group date card arrives for Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ, and Shawn. Kaitlyn’s man harem stroll handsomely through the streets of New York in beautiful coats. Hip hop legend Doug E Fresh shows up and schools the men in the art of rap. Shawn is out of his element and admits that Blake Shelton is more his thing. His attractiveness drops 17%. Perhaps he can redeem himself in a rap battle? The men choose their battle opponents and it shakes out to be Shawn vs. (1994 hair) Justin, Corey vs. JJ, Jonathan vs. Ryan, and Ben Z. vs. Tanner. Doug E Fresh warns the men that New York crowds will accept no tom foolery and might throw a shoe. A SHOE. The rap battles themselves are boring, with the exception of Shawn and Justin. Shawn flashes us his memory-erasing abs and Justin accurately pegs them as the Ryan Gosling and Matt Damon of the group.
Afterwards, Kaitlyn makes her way through the fans to say hi to Ashley I., who also competed for the heart of Chris Soules last season. But Ashley I. isn’t the only Bachelor/ette alum in the crowd. Runner-up Nick V. from Andi Dorfman’s turn as The Bachelorette is there and Kaitlyn gets all giggly about it. Apparently they’ve “struck up a friendship over social media” as Bachelor/ette alum are wont to do. Nick is undeniably adorable and I loved him during Andi’s season…until he got dumped and turned into a douche-nozzle in the finale. It…wasn’t pretty. “The idea that you could potentially get engaged and I would not have met you…” Nick starts. Kaitlyn is obviously intrigued. Nick is gunning for a spot in Kaitlyn’s man harem, and she ponders his addition while sitting on a dirty staircase.
Later on the group date (which has shifted to a yacht) Kaitlyn drops the Nick V. news. Tanner asks Kaitlyn about her prior relationship with Nick. She tells the men that she’d never met Nick in person before today but admits they had chatted in the past. Shawn does not hide his distaste for Nick, asking if Kaitlyn is “looking for more”. Nick V. becomes “a cloud hanging over the group date,” according to Jonathan. While Kaitlyn walks away to do some thinking (and probs a lipgloss re-application), Tanner tells the men that Nick V’s behaviour at the end of Andi’s season was gross and wrong. Kaitlyn goes in search of Nick V. and they share a cute kiss. Ahoy Mateys! Nautical humour. Go with it.
Ultimately Kaitlyn puts the Nick thing on ice for the night, telling him she needs to “sleep on it”. Alternate suggestion: Sleep on Shawn. Back on the boat the tide appears to have turned (see what I did there?) and some of the guys (mainly Justin) seem more open to Nick joining the melee. He is awarded with the date rose. On that slightly sour note, Kaitlyn departs for the evening. Meanwhile, back at the bro-tel, a solo date card arrives for Jared.
The next morning finds a confused and emotional Kaitlyn calling Nick and mentioning the “intense” relationships she’s already developed with some of the men. She requests to meet in person following a hair appointment. And hey looky here Kaitlyn’s hairdresser is none other than nutty Ashley S. from Chris Soules’ season (blonde Ashley, not the raven-haired Kardashian lookalike Ashley I. who was at the rap battle). I don’t know what it says about me that I remembered Ashley S. was a hairdresser from Brooklyn but I often forget my own middle name. Kaitlyn swears Ashley is actually quite intelligent. I believe it but man oh man her behaviour on Chris’ season was bonkers. Google it. When Kaitlyn (sporting a kicky braid) meets up with Nick he immediately tells her he’s not looking to be the villain here. God why is that word all over this season?? Kaitlyn decides Nick can stay for now and he’s “psyched.” After another kiss, she heads off on her date with Jared.
Jared arrives for his date with Kaitlyn and he’s all fancy-dressed. Their date takes place at the MET. Jared is looking forward to “the best date ever,” but Kaitlyn’s mind is preoccupied with thoughts of Nick V. Jared is 100% IN and tells Kaitlyn she needs to do what she needs to do when it comes to letting Nick join the party. Jared wins for being understanding and also becomes the first person this season to bust out a poem (groan). Later they go on a helicopter ride and keen Jared gets the date rose.
Meanwhile, the next group date card arrives (“Let’s play!”) and it’s for Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua, and Ben H. My husband Ben H. is all about making the best of his time with Kaitlyn and refuses to be all negative about the addition of Nick V. to the harem. Which is a weird thing to hear my future husband say but whatever. Kaitlyn arrives at the bro-tel the next day and tells the men that Nick is moving in tonight and will be part of the next rose ceremony, but won’t be going on a date this week. The energy in the room plummets and Shawn in particular is bummed and hurt. These mid-show pop ins never work out, but Nick has made it farther than most.
On the group date, it’s Broadway, baby! The men and Kaitlyn venture into the New Amsterdam Theatre on Broadway and meet the cast of the Aladdin musical. The dudes learn that they will be put through a ‘legit’ Broadway audition. JEALOUS! Aladdin was my favourite as a kid. The men take turns butchering “A Whole New World’ while hugging Kaitlyn. Executive Recruiter Ian performs the crap out of it. Handsome dentist Chris “Cupcake” is super animated and that face is definitely Broadway handsome. Apparently the ‘judges’ agree because he wins, thus getting to perform that night in front of 1800 people. Chris “Cupcake” claims this is the best thing that’s ever happened to him which gives me the sads. Clearly he’s never eaten a Glory Hole doughnut.
That evening Kaitlyn and Chris share a cute moment while preparing for their stage debut, all decked out in Aladdin-esque gear. Which reminds me how great nobody looks in harem pants. Chris confesses to “always going after the princess”. Kaitlyn and Chris are ushered on stage for their 13 second cameo, and then make out side stage briefly before an irate producer-type basically tells them to get the fuck out. They wander New York hand-in-hand and after going up “like 10,000,000 flights of stairs” they climb to the top of some building and Kaitlyn strokes the ball. The New Year’s Eve ball that drops in Times Square each year. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Nick V. is a popular topic of conversation amongst the men back at the bro-tel, with Tanner even suggesting that perhaps Nick is ‘just in it for the spotlight’ and there’s even a rumour that Nick was actually dating Andi Dorfman since her split with Josh. He arrives at the hotel after the world’s longest elevator ride (with actual plinky elevator music playing), and it hits me that I basically dress the exact same as him. Like, we’re wearing the same outfit. I’ll deal with that later. The last thing we see is Nick entering the hotel suite…
Time to check in with rejected Bachelorette Britt and her boyfriend/stalker Brady. You’ll recall that Brady left the show after Kaitlyn won the title of this season’s Bachelorette over Britt in the first week. They’re totes boyfriend/girlfriend and enjoy frolicking on the beach and staring at each other. We learn that Britt is ready to introduce him to her family. Boom!
Until next week.