Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three (episode four) of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 1, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! We pick up right where last week left off – with Kupah freaking the fuck out on Bachelorette producer Elan after being sent packing by Bachelorette Kaitlyn. She joins Kupah outside in an attempt to calm him down and talk some sense into him. Keeping it classy, Kupah says “I don’t even like her right know” as soon as she’s out of earshot. You know what Kupah? That feeling is mutual. Time to go.
Kaitlyn gathers herself and returns to address her man harem. “This is harder than I thought it would be,” she says, echoing every single Bachelor/Bachelorette from the past 14,937 seasons (or so it feels). Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce the start of the rose ceremony. Time to send some more penises packing!
Tony has “the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul” (pause for throwing up in your mouth), and he left his dog and his bonsai trees behind to be here you guys. His bonsai trees. Hopefully the trees can survive without him for a bit longer because for reasons I will never understand he gets the last rose of the night. I have to wonder if by ‘gypsy soul’ he means warlock magic because I see no other reason than through sheer witchcraft as to how Tony could be endearing himself to our Bachelorette. In the end, no-socks Daniel and Cory get sent home in the Sad Sack Limo.
Bright and early the next morning, two sumo wrestlers on tiny bikes (I’m not joking) arrive at the Penis Pad to scream at the men and (un)gently stir them awake by hitting an actual gong. Oh Bachelorette producers, it’s like you live inside my brain. This is exactly how I would wake up a house full of snoring hungover men. After the date card is read, Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Ryan Gosling (err..I mean Shawn) get kitted up in traditional sumo ‘diapers’ and present themselves and their barely covered asses at the pool. “I’m seeing junk everywhere,” says a not-at-all bothered Kaitlyn, watching the dudes run through a series of sumo exercises. After 5 minutes or so of blurred-ass fighting, ‘”peaceful, balanced guy” but weirdly over-confident about his sumo abilities Tony decides he isn’t into this date after all and stomps off in a pout. Kaitlyn goes to find him and he flat-out ignores her when she calls his name. Finally he deigns to turn around and shit on her for the aggressively-themed dates he’s been forced to go on. He mentions his ‘warrior spirit’ to her (ugh) and Kaitlyn explains that her intention is just to have fun. Also, KAITLYN DOESN’T PLAN THESE DATES YOU ASSCLOWN. “Can we not just take a boat ride?” he whines?. JJ decides he needs to intervene and yells at Tony which, despite their dislike of Tony, doesn’t sit well with the other men.
Later Kaitlyn goes to chat with Tony again. Even his stupid tiny man ponytail can’t keep her away for some reason. “I have a lot to offer,” he reminds her while yelling at her again, and tosses in that he’s not comfortable “reverting back to my primal instincts.” Tony chooses to sit out on the balance of the date. Kaitlyn is treating Tony like he’s attractive or in any way desirable. I’m confused. The rest of the men enter a round robin sumo competition which turns out to be less sexy than I had hoped. Meanwhile Tony is still yelling out alternate date suggestions (like the zoo) and decides to leave the show. Yays. He books it to the Four Seasons hotel where Kaitlyn arrives wearing the shit out of some leather pants and he hands her a garden flower and tells her that he “can’t participate in this circus anymore.” Tony does tell her that if she’s interested he can easily “be found.” My guess is in the bonsai section of Home Depot. See ya Tony. You’re the worst.
Sidenote: I’m obsessed with these sumo wrestler guys Yama and Byamba and if they had their own show I would for realises quit my job to join that production team. Or wash their outfits. I’m not picky.
Kaitlyn rejoins her group date and spends some solo time with Chris ‘Cupcake‘ who is undeniably adorable. Later, Shawn confesses that he’s falling hard and they make out. Kaitlyn gives him the date rose. Clint, who went on a one-on-one date with our Bachelorette last week, is kinda pissy about it and wants Kaitlyn to make more of an effort to speak to him. Um, Clint, that’s not how this show works. She calls him out on practically ignoring her on the whole date and his response is basically “whatever.” It appears he’s more interested in bro-ing down with JJ.
Looks like they’re letting Chris Harrison plan the dates now, and he sends Kaitlyn and strapping hunk-of-a-man Ben Z. out on a date in a locked room. Oh it’s like a Real Escape Game! I did one of those a few weeks back with a group of friends and had a blast. My room was filled with cheap furniture and weird knick-knacks. This room is filled with some true horrors: birds. Kaitlyn is terrified of birds. Because she’s a human being and birds are gross. Tiny eyes. Beaks. Ick. They enter the room and it looks like something out a Saw movie, which I refuse to watch because I have a soul. It looks like a crime scene.
Kaitlyn and Ben are told they have to solve a series of clues to find a code to get out of the room. My Escape Room had books and a dictionary and a wall cipher. This room has dead bugs, a man in a bed, and a bathroom covered in snakes. I was more grossed out about the dirty toilet than the snakes, but to each his own. Somehow they manage to make out in the room. My lady bits would all be crawling back into my body. With 5 minutes left before they are ‘gassed’ to death, they finally figure out that the code is ROSES. Clever.
Later that evening they curl up on the couch in Kaitlyn’s ‘house’ and order pizza and Ben talks about the day his mom died and reveals he didn’t cry that day and hasn’t cried since. I like Ben Z. I hope he’s the guy Kaitlyn allegedly bangs before we even get to Fantasy Suite week which apparently happens (unprecedented for The Bachelorette, I believe). That’s what the internets are saying, anyways.
The final group date of the week is for Jonathan, Ben H. (hi did you get hotter?), Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and practically-invisible Tanner. This date may be more horrifying than the dead bugs and bloody walls deal, as it involves teaching sex education to a class of elementary school kiddies. Jared practices a cute rap about hairy balls and Joshua tries to figure out tampons and turns 18 shades of red trying to explain periods. Ryan B. addresses the importance of the clitoris (true story) and Jonathan explains the ‘4 bases.’ Thanks god we learn through Kaitlyn that these are a bunch of child actors. That does nothing to eliminate the embarrassment of this situation, but it is funny as fuck. Adorable Ben H. talks about love and the “sperm’s long journey.” He earns major brownie points with Kaitlyn for incorporating the ‘Bachelorette journey’ into his speech. I would run at Ben H. Hard.
Back at the Penis Pad, JJ and Clint’s bromance is taking centre stage. Clint bored the crap out of me last week and now I’m just over it. They like hanging out in the hot tub and secluding themselves from the rest of the house. They also bond over their mutual love of turtles. And maybe Clint is in love with JJ.
On the evening portion of their group date, Joshua reveals that he had his first kiss in college. Gotta love a late bloomer! Kaitlyn is worried that things are moving too slow with him. Ben H. has quickly become my new favourite and maybe Kaitlyn’s too. He talks about spending time with a children’s non-profit in Honduras. They dance on a rooftop and Ben dips her (his “special move”). He also points out the Die Hard tower, which to me is better and more romantic than the dancing.
Kaitlyn brings Jared back to her room and she finds him “charming” and “comfortable with his sexuality.” They also dance. It’s not enough to earn him the date rose though. That, fairly, goes to Ben H.
“I’d like to see four or five guys get whacked tonight,” brings us to the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party. Kaitlyn addresses the men and mentions that she’s heard of “some friction” in the house. Clint confesses in his private on-camera interview that he wants to stick around…for JJ. He actually says he doesn’t really have feelings for Kaitlyn but he wants to pursue his whatever it is with JJ. Clint pulls Kaitlyn aside right off the bat and tells Kaitlyn that his balls got “lodged up” inside of him during the sumo date and that’s why he didn’t “have the balls” to talk to her during the evening portion of that group date. Kaitlyn accepts this explanation and is “really glad” they’re having this conversation because she “totally sees herself” with him. Oh honey no. Total douche alert. “Villain’s gotta vill,” gets tossed around by JJ and Clint, and unfortunately I can’t un-hear that. There isn’t enough wine in the world. They seem to revel in their villain-ness.
Joshua lays out the JJ/Clint dynamic (where Justin only talked about it without naming names) but Kaitlyn only seems to focus on the Clint aspect, unfortunately. She asks to speak to Clint privately and her voiceover names Clint one of the biggest douches in Bachelorette history.
That’s how we end things this week. Next week promises more drama with the arrival of Nick V. from Andi’s season. Can’t wait.