Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two (episode three) of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 25, 2015).
After the initial ‘who will be The Bachelorette’ tension of week one, we’re into it now. Kaitlyn Bristowe is The Bachelorette and it’s time to launch into the dating, the drama and the celebrity cameos (hi Amy Schumer, you’re my favourite!).
Host Chris Harrison meets with Kaitlyn in her Bachelorette pad to sip water out of mason jars and shoot the shit. Kaitlyn is “sooooo excited” that the men chose her to continue on this ‘journey.’ Translation: making out with a bunch of relative strangers on elaborate fantasy dates. Kaitlyn cops to her first night kisses and can’t believe how many of the men in her Penis Parade she’s already felt a connection with. The men, meanwhile, are sipping on orange juice (mimosas?) and maybe stressing a bit about the next stage if they were Team Britt in the beginning. We cut to Britt, who calls her mom crying about not being chosen as The Bachelorette and it hurts my heart a little but she is soon surprised by singer-songwriter Brady (yawn) at her hotel door. Last week, Brady removed himself from Kaitlyn’s man harem because he was #OnlyHereForBritt. Curious to see how that pans out.
A group date card arrives and the chosen bros find themselves at a boxing gym, literally duking it out for our Bachelorette’s affections. And lo and behold who will be kicking their asses? Laila Ali, that’s who. And she’s dispensing boxing and love lessons y’all. Kaitlyn has some chats with a few of the men except Kupah, who is really, really into his workout. The men spar against each other, with Jared (!) and Ben Z. being the last two standing. Jared takes a shot to the head and the on-set medic determines he needs to head on to the hospital. After murdering all the men in the ring (joke) Ben Z. is rewarded with some quality solo time with Kaitlyn, where they bond over their love of cooking and he spills about his mom passing away when he was 14. Luckily, this connection is more than physical and they have a great, comfortable vibe. She tells adorable Justin she wants four kids. FOUR. To his credit he doesn’t throw up or pee himself in fear. While chatting with a loafers-no-socks Daniel, Kaitlyn is delivered a note that turns out to be from a recovered Jared, and they take a stroll. Clearly head injuries work in his favour, because they get to kissing on the street. I really didn’t see Jared being a contender in this thing but I think I was wrong. Look at me using sports puns!
Back at the Bro Pad, the solo date card arrives for Clint, much to the poorly contained surprise of a “confident” JJ.
Back on the first group date, Ben. Z. receives the date rose. It’s kind of adorable how bad she clearly feels to have to pull one man away to anoint him with the coveted date rose. Kaitlyn likes their “comfortable energy” and thinks they’re a great match.
On her first solo date, Kaitlyn tells Clint that he scored the first date because of his humourous cartoon drawing of host Chris Harrison riding a triceratops which he presented her on night one. They end up doing an underwater photo-shoot that’s apparently all the rage with engaged couples (why?). I’m not quite sure what Kaitlyn sees in Clint. He’s mostly meh for me. Kind of mono-syllabic and he doesn’t sparkle. She likes that architectural engineer Clint has his shit together and that he’s a “hunk of a man.” I like my Penis Parade to sparkle, what can I say? Clint gets the date rose after Kaitlyn basically admits to forcing him to show personality in order to confirm their initial chemistry. Kaitlyn claims this might be the best first date of her life. Cut to me all “whaaaaaaat?”
Back at the Bro Pad, another group date card arrives, and no one is thrilled to be stuck on a date with weirdo Tony, who calls Kaitlyn “Britt” while chatting with Joe about the pending date. Amy Schumer, who apparently hangs out in empty comedy clubs all day, is “so glad” Kaitlyn’s the Bachelorette. Kaitlyn is apparently her favourite person who’s ever been on the show, and Amy wants to spend the rest of their lives together. I’d watch that show. Kaitlyn admits she’s already sucked face with, like, all the men but that doesn’t really deter Amy from joking (?) that she might hook up with a few of the dudes. After all, they are practically sisters now. The men arrive and Amy kindly lies that they’re all “super hot.” The men are put on the spot to tell their best jokses and every single one of them is terrible. Amy brings in her pussy posse of hilarious ladies – Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein, and Bridget Everett. ‘Former Investment Banker’ JJ and Amy partner up and in quick succession he reveals himself to be unfunny and arrogant. Amy refers to him as a “turd.” The men are forced to perform stand-up comedy. Ian compares himself to the ‘Old Spice’ guy and makes a Juan Pablo joke that gets some laughs. Welder Joshua gets some giggles with a whistling bit. Chris “Cupcake” (that’s his official name now) takes his shirt off. Tony the yoga/healer guy (whose weird eye bruise from week one has mercifully gone away) gets up on stage and talks about exploring his lighter side. It’s the opposite of funny. So he’s one of those people who’s even less funny when he’s drunk. Awesome. Dammit now I wish Amy Schumer was The Bachelorette. I’d watch the shit out of that. Love her so much. I got to see her perform during Just For Laughs last year and I laughed so hard my shirt unbuttoned.
But I digress.
After the horrible horrible comedy hour, Kaitlyn sits tucked away with welder Joshua who talks about his drooling, farting dogs. Tony, meanwhile, continues to creep out the other dudes. He tells Kaitlyn that he first had a connection with Britt and then he describes Kaitlyn as a combination lock or some shit and it’s all just so uncomfortable to watch. I’ve no clue how Kaitlyn didn’t get up and walk away at that point. She seems smitten with JJ who talks about his daughter and how she’s already slipping away at age three. Yeah man, pre-school can be super all consuming. The fuck? Kentucky Joe presses Kaitlyn up against a wall for a sultry kiss and ends it with a “well, I’ll be,” in his cute Southern drawl and she finds this equally sexy and adorable. It’s not enough to earn him the date rose, however. That goes to JJ. Blech. Either he is a total douche or the producers have decided to trot him out as the season’s resident dickbag and are employing some ninja-like editing skills to achieve this.
Back at the house, the men are messing around with Justin, sending him running to the front door to find the source of knocking, which is actually coming from inside the house. Nice trick boys.
Finally it’s time for the COCKtail party. JJ, despite having a rose, has no intention of “letting off the throttle.” Ah. He barely lets Kaitlyn finish her speech before pulling her away, and this “power move” rubs a lot of the men the wrong way. JJ tells Kaitlyn he’s here to fight for her, and says that her future husband wouldn’t just “sit back.” #sorryimnotsorry
Ian chats with Kaitlyn about running track at Princeton and the car accident that ended his running career. She is into Ian in a big way and they kiss. I’ve stopped mentioning these because, as Kaitlyn said earlier in the episode, she’s kidding everyone. Get yours, girl. Love it.
Tony starts to unravel in light of JJ’s aggressive behaviour, and the other dudes are all kind of hoping it’s enough to make him leave. The drama doesn’t end with JJ and Tony. Kupah gets in on the action. He sits with Kaitlyn and asks if they have a connection. She says she feels like it’s him who’s been ignoring her. He did, after all, spend all his time at the gym boxing instead of sweatin’ Kaitlyn. There’s a moment when it seems like this conversation will take a turn for the best…until Kupah says that he doesn’t want to be here because he “looks good on the roster of men” that are still in play. Kaitlyn is upset that she feels like he’s “questioning” her. “To be honest, I actually felt a connection until right now,” she states. Kupah then lays on the compliments (“you’re dope!”) and talks about wanting to be here and blah blah blah . Kaltiyn leaves the conversation saying she needs some time to think about things. He returns to the other men and proceeds to rehash the whole encounter. Loudly. And Kaitlyn hears. She walks over and asks to speak to Kupah privately, where she announces that he has to leave. Like, now. He tries to argue with her about it and tells Kaitlyn he doesn’t want to go home because she’s hot. It’s not enough to sway her. “This is bad,” Kaitlyn emphasizes. Kupah finally leaves (drink in hand) and proceds to get in an argument outside with Bachelorette producer/internet famous guy Elan Gale. Things look like they’re about to get physical, and the last thing we see of her, Kaitlyn is bolting up from her interview to check out the situation.
Before the episode wraps up, we check in with Britt and Brady and it turns out that they’ve been spending a lot of time together. Brady asks Britt to “be my girl” and she agrees. So there’s something.
Until next week!