Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season premiere of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 18, 2015).
Welcome back rose lovers! I look forward to the inevitable roller coaster ride that will be this season of The Bachelorette, particularly since we start with an unprecedented two-for-the-price-of-one Bachelorettes! That’s right, both Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson from the most recent season of The Bachelor will compete to move forward as the Bachelorette this season, and the decision as to which lovely lady will be the Bachelorette is left to 25 “incredible” men/total strangers who are being guided by their penises.
How have we found ourselves in this situation? Well by the time the Bachelor finale aired last season, both Britt and Kaitlyn were immensely popular with the powers-that-be who dictate North American television (wine drunk women between the ages of 24-45, obviously). We’re treated to a recap of their ‘journeys’ as contestants on The Bachelor. Britt was an early favourite of our last Bachelor – farmer Chris Soules. From night one it was on like Donkey Kong. Britt is the super pretty, emotional, sweet one who cries a lot and essentially sleeps in lipstick. Kaitlyn is the sexy ‘wildfire’ girl who is funny as fuck and likes to skinny dip. The Canadian stunner is known for her sometimes crude jokes and goofy, easy-going personality, and she ended up being one of my favourite Bachelor contestants ever as the season progressed because girl was just so real, you know? I’m a little bummed that she appears to have gotten her lips done since ending the show. It was pretty obvious during the After the Final Rose episode last season. Ah well, to each their own.
After the here’s-why-we-couldn’t-pick-just-one recap, we watch both women hyperventilate in separate limos en route to meet the 25 men who will form part of one of their Penis Parades. A few are profiled more in depth: a single dad who’s all about Britt, an exotic dancer, a singer-songwriter (I stopped listening to his story when he started in on the ‘melodies inside him’), a Chris Soules-clone who’s a welder from a really really really small town y’all (with his sights set on Kaitlyn), an executive recruiter from Venice Beach, a weirdo who talks about superheroes, a yoga guy/healer named Tony who talks to his plants but not really other people, and a personal trainer (aren’t they all?).
During the limo arrivals, Britt’s all First Impression Girl and Kaitlyn feels a bit left out in the cold. The men seem to gravitate more towards Britt and she’s obviously good at making people feel warm and cuddly. The tide starts to turn about mid-way and Kaitlyn finally gets some love. A particularly clever gentleman named JJ throws out an “I’d like to puck you” reminiscent of Kaitlyn’s limo exit introduction of “you can plow the fuck out of my field anytime” when she met Chris Soules on night one. There’s the obvious but somehow still endearing “Honeys, I’m home” guy and overall it seems like a decent (?) crop. Not the best I’ve ever seen, but there are a few gems in there (fingers crossed). I personally think that former Bachelorette Emily Maynard had THE BEST man harem of all the Bachelorettes. I would’ve let almost every single one of those men get to first base*.
Kaitlyn gets more comfortable as the night progresses, and her personality starts to really shine through. The stripper brings some steaminess (and a lot of cheesiness). Someone shows up with moonshine and a face I’ll easily forget. A few of the bros even show up with gifts (including one guy who brings tissue for Britt – ha!). So far it seems like a 50/50 split between the men who are leaning towards Kaitlyn and those leaning towards Britt. There’s a group hug from a Ryan Gosling-esque dude named Shawn B. who makes both women feel all the feelings. I wonder if he can pull off Ryan’s Dirty Dancing move from Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Britt gets a little pouty when Kaitlyn ‘breaks the rules’ by popping inside to say hi to the dudes who’ve arrived so far. Luckily the women are soon distracted by yoga guy/healer Tony who gives them the EXACT SAME creepy speech about wanting love. Ick. And are we all just pretending he doesn’t have what appears to be a weird bruise under his eye? Perhaps one of his plants/BFFs got sick of his crap and fought back. Back inside, the vote still seems split down the middle and thick-necked Ryan is “all horned up right now.” Translation: drunk as a skunk.
[Update on Ryan: apparently he used to date one of the ex-Bachelor contestants Nikki, who “won” Juan Pablo’s season, proving that Nikki has truly horrible taste in men).
One man shows up in a hot tub car (and is a sex coach, apparently) and gets heckled by Ryan for his ‘sucky’ ride. A very handsome dentist named Chris arrives in a cupcake-shaped scooter but I don’t even care because handsome.
Finally the entire Penis Parade have arrived and Kaitlyn and Britt join them in the mansion/bar. Kaitlyn opens with a Kaitlyn-style knock-knock joke (the joke being that there are two Bachelorettes). A very confident Ian is here just for Kaitlyn, and he leads her outside for some solo time. She also wows a number of other dudes with her humour and cool-girl vibe. A bunch of the men, however, remain undecided. “Do you choose the one you like the most or do you choose the one that likes you the most,” one muses. Yoga guy/healer Tony and Britt dig each others vibes and she likes how ‘centred’ he seems. He switches from Team Kaitlyn to Team Britt.
Host Chris Harrison arrives as the bearer of ‘there can only be one’ news. The men are instructed to vote for the woman they want to continue their ‘journey’ with as The Bachelorette. I wonder if, when all is said and done, the last woman standing will find out who in her man harem cast his rose for the other woman to stay. Oh what delicious drama that would be! The Producers would have to be headless to not want to cash in on some of that action.
There’s still time, however, for Britt and Kaitlyn to sway their potential suitors over to their side in a “mad scramble” as Kaitlyn puts it. The goal: get his rose in your box. Some of the men seem super smitten already, and there are definitely a lot of connections being made. At this point, it’s hard to tell towards whom the men are leaning but I suspect the vote will be quite close. The mood is a bit spoiled by drunko Ryan who has now added ‘indignant’ and ‘ass groper’ to his growing list of douchebag qualities. He is asked to leave by a sober Chris Harrison because he’s not here – let’s say it all together now – “for the right reasons.” Ryan’s departure doesn’t even warrant the standard sad sack limo, but he is instead led to an unmarked white van. Much like the great Elaine debate of ‘sponge-worthiness’ on Seinfeld, we now divide the suitors into limo guys and white van guys, and Ryan was white van all the way.
Kaitlyn has major butterflies for Shawn B. and it makes her more nervous that she won’t get to stick around, while Britt has a strong connection with Nashville musician Brady. It’s time for Chris Harrison to tally the votes…but we have to wait until tonight to find out who will go on as our Bachelorette: Kaitlyn or Britt.
*Second base, if I’m being honest.