Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 8 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 23, 2015).
His first date in Bali is with spunky Kaitlyn, and they head into a temple and participate in some spiritual customs (which include attempting to balance a basket/box on their heads). Bali is so beautiful but I can feel sympathy sweat trickling down my back just imaging how humid it must be there. Kaitlyn is looking to let her guard down with Chris, who seems remarkably comfortable in Indonesia given his small-town farm life in isolated Iowa. The language barrier works for him here, since he’s not that great with the whole talking thing anyways. It’s just a lot of smiles and stranger hugs and everyone’s best friends in 5 minutes. Chris and Kaitlyn wander the streets and stop for roadside beers. Why did the monkey cross the road? To hiss at Chris, apparently. The cute duo have a brief run-in with some feisty street monkeys. Later, a different(?) monkey pees on Chris while he feeds it a banana (I hate bananas, so I understand this reaction) and then they sit on a bench and make out for what seems like hours. Kaitlyn tells Chris that her family L.O.V.E.D him lots. “Every moment that I have with Chris is exciting,” Kaitlyn gushes. For the evening portion of their date, they stroll a candlelit path and make their way to a ‘dinner’ (no one ever eats) and basically engage in “no, you’re prettier” banter. Kaitlyn admits her guard is up but she wants very badly to “let it down.” Kaitlyn accepts Chris’ invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, where she admits that she is “completely falling in love” with Chris. Chris responds that he is falling in love with her as well. WHOA! Is he even allowed to say that?! Rule breaking farmer! Love it.
Chris and Whitney’s date on a boat starts its ‘journey’ by being steered into the dock by the Captain, who assures us that it’s all good by flashing a thumbs up. Ok buddy, You just crashed a boat into the thing you were specifically moving away from. Not inspiring total confidence. Over tons of wine, the couple explore the Indian Ocean. Whitney lets Chris know that her sister Kimberly can be a bit of a Debbie Downer. She is an attorney after all – Whitney wants us to know – by way of explanation (?). So Whitney just hopes that her sister’s hesitation the previous week in giving Chris her “blessing” to propose to Whitney (should that time come) won’t fuck things up for her. Chris isn’t bothered. His feelings for Whitney are “really strong” and he’s confident that when the time is right he’ll get that blessing. Even her “soul” is confident that she’ll marry Chris. Over (more wine), Whitney reiterates to Chris that she’s head over heels in love. The boat captain gives the thumbs up. But he also gave the thumbs up after bumping the boat into the dock earlier, so maybe he’s just fast and loose with the thumbs up.
For the evening portion of their date, Whitney is wearing the shit out of a chartreuse dress and the main thing on Chris’ mind is taking Whitney away from her career in Chicago as a fertility nurse. She assures him that she’s more than happy to move to Iowa. Whitney is the only woman left who hadn’t seen Arlington, so Chris wants to really make sure she knows how teeny tiny it is. 500 people, remember. And if you want to do something, anything, you better be ready to drive. “I have always wanted to be a wife and to be a mom…I have this career but I’m not fully happy because I feel that there’s half of me missing and that’s to be a wife and a mom. If I move to Arlington I would leave that (career) and be ready to have babies,” Whitney declares. My insides groan, but really what else was she going to say? She’s in love. This is what people do. Or at least promise to do on television. So we know for sure where Whitney stands. Chris admits in his private interview that he’s falling in love with Whitney. I’ve no doubt that her willingness to move to Arlington has likely secured her a spot in the final two. I adore Kaitlyn but I think she’d lose her mind in a small town. There aren’t even any tattoo parlours! Shudder. Whitney also accepts the Fantasy Suite date card and with a cute giggle and a “cheque please!” they head back to the hotel, which has been kitted out with candles, matching robes, and a bubble bath.
The final date of the week is with Becca the virgin, and my how Chris’ penis must be tired. Luckily it will probs get a rest tonight. Chris apparently packed a full complement of pastel-coloured shirts, and today he’s wearing a lovely sherbet-coloured one. He pals around with a couple of local kids, and then him and Becca sit in a temple and question the local medium, asking “are we meant to be together?” The answer? They’re a very good couple. Becca asks for advice for their “very important” date that night and the advice is to “make love.” Specifically, while facing west. Amazingly awkward. Afterwards, Becca reveals to Chris that she’s learned a lot about herself through this experience. She too is falling in love, but Chris admits in his voice-over to having some lingering doubts because her family indicated during hometown week that Becca has never really been in love. Meanwhile, Becca is worried that her virginity might be a deal-breaker.
Over dinner Chris tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her (three for three! and unprecedented in Bachelor history), and when the Fantasy Suite date card arrives they both agree that they want to spend more time together. But no virgin confession yet. Over champagne Becca cheers to “falling in love in the most unexpected way” and reiterates that she feels she’s falling in love with Chris. She announces that she’s a virgin and Chris’ face briefly look stunned, then not surprised at all, then amused. “I respect that in a lot of ways,” he says, clearly not speaking on behalf of his penis. He adds that he’s more interested in finding out if they work as a couple. “I’m 100% in,” says Becca. And we’re left to wonder if Chris gets 100% in or just, like, the tip.
After the Fantasy Suite dates are done, Chris has to decide who to send home. He ponders that Whitney and Kaitlyn have confirmed they love him to his face (as opposed to ‘falling in love’), but he also really cares about Becca. He tears up during his on-camera interview, saying he wishes all three women could meet his family. “The toughest thing right now for me is worrying about making a mistake…but it’s not just about me.” He bros down with host Chris Harrison and talks about his struggle. It sounds like Whitney is for sure getting a rose, then probs Kaitlyn as Becca seems like the biggest question mark; however, Chris goes on about how much he liked Becca’s family and can see that she’s a passionate person. I just wish she had a bit more…spark. Spark is the word I’m looking for. Whitney and Kaitlyn have spark in spades.
At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison (dressed in white with a colourful sash, as is the Bachelor) lets Chris know that the temple chosen for this ceremony is of the ‘don’t kiss here’ variety. Chris is visibly nervous and is trusting his gut to make the right choice. He stands before the final three ladies and says that the decision has been “excruciating.” Before he makes his announcement, he asks to speak to Becca privately. Whitney says that Becca had mentioned feeling like she was going to be sent home, so assumes that this is Chris pulling Becca aside to say goodbye privately. Becca doesn’t want to leave without Chris knowing how she feels. She talks about love and being in love and then we learn that in the Fantasy Suite Chris had asked her if her feelings were because of the show or because they’re her feelings. Becca now assures him that the show can only take credit for introducing them and that’s all. This is the most Becca has ever spoken! “This week is nothing I could’ve prepared myself for.” Still, she is talking like she is being sent home.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn and Whitney are tossing about theories as to what’s going on with Becca and Chris. Kaitlyn feels guilty for being excited about making it to the final two and meeting Chris’ family while Becca is (presumably) being kicked to the curb. Whitney feels that Becca is “young” and may not be ready for marriage. Both are understandably surprised to see Chris returning with Becca. It’s unclear at this moment whether Chris wanted to chat with Becca to confirm his decision to keep her through to the final two, or if he had been planning to send her home and she, for lack of a better term, talked him out of it.
Predictably, the first rose goes to Whitney and Kaitlyn is ultimately the one send packing. Boo. I really really like Kaitlyn. But truth? I think she might be too cool for Chris. She cares about him and all, but I think life in Arlington would’ve gotten real old, real quick. Kaitlyn and Chris leave the temple holding hands (not against temple rules, just keep those hands where we can see them folks). She asks “what happened” and he responds that “nothing happened…just certain things I don’t even understand right now.” Not the best answer, but par for the course for Chris. While a rooster crows in the background (I’m terrified of roosters, they look like they know more than they let on), Chris tells Kaitlyn that he could see a life with her and thinks the world of her but…you know. It is what it is. “There’s no real right decision,” he confesses, confusingly. He hugs a crying Kaitlyn, who doesn’t want to leave. But the driver starts the engine, basically being all “let’s go lady.” Her heart may be broken, but Kaitlyn remembers to buckle up when she is driven off. Safety first! She says it’s the most humiliating moment of her life and is “really, really confused.” You know what will help with that? Realizing that Chris is kind of boring (albeit a total sweetheart) and you’re probs going to be the next Bachelorette.