RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 6 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 9, 2015).

Welcome back Bachelor lovers! Last week’s episode ended on a Kelsey cliffhanger – she’s sprawled out on the floor having a (presumed) panic attack. Some of the ladies ain’t buying it, however. They feel the timing of this display is “convenient” and “tactical,” and not a single toned tush even leaves the couch to go check on our whaling widow. Kelsey doesn’t help her case at all when the paramedic asks if she can get anyone for her and she responds to get Chris. Kelsey even jokes that she’s definitely getting a rose tonight. Gasp!

With Chris by her side, Kelsey is visibly calmer and tells Chris she feels much better now. She says she didn’t know he was going to bring up their hotel room conversation earlier that day and also cancel the cocktail party, and that this caused her distress. She returns to the ladies and is all “I’m so embarrassed guys!” The verdict from the other woman: Kelsey is a phony bologna! She then (calmly) reminds everyone how seriously Chris takes this process and bringing someone home to Iowa, and mentions ONCE AGAIN that Chris knew exactly who he was sending home that night so that is why he decided to ditch the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour.

Chris hands out the roses and the two women sent home are young mom Mackenzie and the practically invisible Samantha (seriously WHO WAS SAMANTHA? I kept having to check her name on the official Bachelor web site). So Kelsey is safe for another day, and this doesn’t sit well with the other women. “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shit human being,” Kaitlyn comments.

Mosey-ing right along…

Chris and his harem arrive in Deadwood, South Dakota and on tap this week is a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date where one women is always sent packing. Britt and Kelsey seem to have bonded, and Kelsey feels very deserving of the one-on-one because she’s “worked hard” for it. Either this chick is flat out crazy or the Bachelor producers have been doing some wizard level editing to make her appear that way. The solo date card arrives for low-key Becca, who I suspect will be the dark horse in this whole thing.

Becca and Chris head out on their date where horseback riding is on the agenda. God I love horseback riding. My last experience was on a trip to Costa Rica and all I remember of it (because it was a million degrees and the sun was beating down so hard and the horses mostly looked like they wanted to lay down and die) was when my pal MM was reprimanding her horse for licking her leg, thus removing the sunscreen from just that one spot. I doubt she reads this, so I feel confident in saying that seeing that tiny patch of burn on her leg the next day made me cry with laughter. I’m sorry MM. You’re the bestest and I’ll never make you ride a horse again. Forgive me? She’s not reading this.

Back at the hotel, the women are “being open” with Kelsey. Whitney asks how she could have been so light-hearted after fainting. “I feel like I had overcome a significant emotional hurdle…I don’t know if I said something that upset him in a bad way…” Kelsey starts. “My mental state at that point was just so confused.” Um. Ok, I can maybe accept that. Carly doesn’t. Kelsey insists she has nothing but “respect and admiration” for the other woman and says she’s “blessed with eloquence” and is smart and uses a lot of big words. “I’ll do my best to be mindful,” she concludes. The group date card arrives and tensions are high, as it’s revealed that the women going on the shitshow two-on-one date will be Kelsey and Ashley, who is excited to “kick some Kelsey ass”.

Later that evening, on their date Becca and Chris are adorable and laughing (and laughing about how they laugh) and Chris comments that Becca is “cool and rolls with the punches.” He says it’s one of the most comfortable dates he’s been on thus far. They discuss their five-year plans, which involve marriage and kids (yawn, no one ever says winning a hot dog eating contest, partying with 2 Chainz and starring in a Telenovela – dream life!). Becca obviously gets the date rose and they share their first kiss. At first it’s awkward and tentative, but it evolves into a full-fledged make out. Get yours Becca!

It’s group date day, and Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan take turns hugging Chris before they find out this date is going to be all about songwriting. The band Big & Rich (whose song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” is so fun to sing into your friends’ mouths while drinking tequila) arrive to act as mentors. Megan (who wants to remind us that she’s from Nasvhille) is starstruck. Although to be fair Megan seems like she’d be starstruck by the Hamburglar or the third runner up in a Miss Junior Texas pageant. Sweet girl though. Cosmetics developer Jade is understandably bummed out when Chris and the perpetually un-showered yet always stunning Britt kiss a few feet away from her while she’s attempting to pen a love ballad for our Bachelor. The Britt-Chris connection is palpable. “It’s hard to write a love song about somebody when he’s clearly into somebody else,” moans Jade. Word.

The women all bring their A game to the singing competition/stage show, and cruise ship singer Carly has a real moment after serenading Chris on stage. Even Kaitlyn has to bow down to their connection in that moment. Chris pulls Jade aside for some private time and Jade admits she’s “getting more in touch” with her feelings and can see being with Chris in the end and living in Iowa.

Back at the hotel, Ashley and Kelsey are on a quest to one-up each other with fake enthusiasm about going on the two-on-one date. It’s a weird feeling to be rooting for Ashley. She cries so much and just seems like a lot of work. But at the end of the day, her intentions are good and she’s pretty harmless. And Kelsey is coming off as a right bitch.

The group date plods along with Kaitlyn and Chris holding hands at the bar (the only place I’d want to be on a group date), and she leaves the conversation feeling reassured that Chris hasn’t forgotten about their connection. Speaking of connection, seriously Chris and Britt I can’t even with you two! He whisks her away to see the band play a concert and gives her the rose on stage in front of hundreds of people while the other woman are left behind on the dusty trail of romance (or more specifically, a saloon). Chris and Britt return and he makes an awkward speech about giving Britt the rose and how he felt doing it that way (in private but, you know, on stage at a concert) was more appropriate. “I’ll let you girls have the rest of the evening to yourselves,” he announces, practically Michael Jackson moonwalking out of the saloon. Nice exit, farm boy. Most of the women are in tears by this point and Britt has to awkwardly tell them that she was at the Big & Rich show with Chris. Megan is insulted because Britt, like, doesn’t even heart country music. Even Kaitlyn cries and expresses that she feels “humiliated.” Jade makes it clear that she’s not interested in any “sympathy” from Britt (now there’s a country song in the making!).

Time for Chris’ two-on-one in the Badlands with Kelsey and Ashley, where they arrive via helicopter to make the desert “more beautiful” by sitting on a canopy bed in the middle of nowhere and drinking wine. Chris and virgin/Kardashian lookalike Ashley pull away first to make out, and Ashley is mostly thrilled to have some uninterrupted time with him. He comments that she seems to be handling things “fine” in the house (red flag!) and Ashley lets him know that Kelsey is the odd woman out amongst the dwindling harem. When it’s time to chat with Kelsey (who lets Chris know that she’d be a great wife because, you know, she’s been a wife before), Chris immediately tells her that Ashley had – just moments prior – insinuated that Kelsey was “fake.” Kelsey tells Chris she feels hurt and would hate for Chris to let go of “all the potential” between them because of “girl talk.” Kelsey is PISSED, and in her private on-camera interview she says about Ashley: “She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has way too much makeup on to be genuine.” Interestingly, she adds that Ashley is “playing a game…but I’m not.” This coming from the woman who has referred to “winning” a number of times in recent weeks.

Kelsey confronts Ashley about the “fake” comment, and Ashley (who I’ve never liked more than in this moment) gives her sass mouth right back, saying that Kelsey thinks she’s smarter than everyone because she uses big words. Amazing! Then everything goes to shit and any advantage Ashley had is blown when she stomps away to cry and pout. She cries to Chris and doesn’t understand why he sold her out to Kelsey. Chris isn’t great at the comforting hugs, and Ashley is a hot mess express of tears. The whole thing falls apart with Chris saying they’re in different places in their lives (translation: I’m just not that into you). Ashley acknowledges that crying in front of him all the time probs isn’t the greatest, but she “cares so much more” than Kelsey does. Chris tells her that he doesn’t think he could give Ashley the “lifestyle” she “really wants” and Ashley counters by asking Chris if he really thinks that Britt wants that lifestyle. Chris is obviously taken aback at this twist, as he likely didn’t expect Ashley to turn on another woman in the midst of all this Kelsey bashing, and Ashley cops to feeling like a complete dickwhistle for her lengthy sobfest. So Ashley’s done.

Returning to Kelsey, Chris brings her up to speed and they hug but NOT SO FAST “black widow” – you’re heading home too! He tells her that he doesn’t “know if it’s there between us.” Booyah.  Kelsey handles it well, and describes herself as feeling “immeasurably blessed.”

While back at the hotel the women all shit with frustration when Ashley’s bags were removed, now they all squeal for joy when the bag take away-er (not an official title) returns to get Kelsey’s bags too. Ashley may have been a bit of a mess, but she was the lesser of two evils. And with Kelsey gone? Now everyone feels “immeasurably blessed”.

P.S. Chris leaves in a helicopter. I’m sure someone went back for the two ousted women. Eventually.

Until next week – double episode!

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