Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 5 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 2, 2015).
Welcome back Bachelor lovers! We kick off this week with Chris Soules wandering around Santa Fe, New Mexico, also known as “the perfect place to fall in love.” He awaits his harem, who are lounging around the Chick Compound proving how little they know about New Mexico and likely the world in general. I’m looking at you and your sombrero talk, Megan. A cultural Wünderkid she is not.
The ladies arrive at their hotel and cheers to “falling in love in Sante Fe.” The date card arrives for cruise ship singer Carly (“Let’s come together”) who, upon meeting up with Chris, launches herself into his arms for a cute smooch. They arrive in the backyard of a ranch-style house to find a woman meditating. She turns out to be a ‘Love and Intimacy Mentor’ named Tziporah Kingsbury. Guys, my parents almost named me that! Jokes.
Chris and Carly change into linen garb and meet their guru, who is burning sage. She walks them through a cleansing and there’s some chanting too. Five years ago I would’ve rolled my eyes SO HARD at this, but I attend a 9 a.m. meditation class every Sunday that makes this seem very run-of-the-mill. Basically I spend 60 minutes chanting with a bunch of strangers in front of a man wearing all white who thinks my name is Julia and at the end I go spend $14 on a smoothie. It’s the best part of my week.
Carly is instructed to touch Chris (who is blindfolded at this point) and feed him various fruits. Later there’s some weird sex yoga and this becomes hands-down the weirdest first date I’ve ever seen on The Bachelor, and that’s saying a lot. They are instructed to shed their clothes while maintaining unbearable eye contact. Both are supremely uncomfortable, and decide to tap out. The guru instructs them to verbally “unmask each other” by revealing something personal. Next up is Carly sitting in Chris’ lap, arms wrapped around him, while they breathe into each others mouths. Then the guru gives them carte blanche to make out like maniacs, so they do.
Back at the hotel, Kelsey, Ashley and Mackenzie are lounging outside and Kelsey is talking about her husband’s death. She hasn’t told Chris her story yet, and Ashley voices some concerns about her seemingly casual attitude about his death. The group date card arrives for Becca, Jade, Whitney, Megan, Kaitlyn, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie, Ashley and Kelsey, which means that Britt has gotten the much coveted solo date in Sante Fe.
Over drinks and ‘dinner,’ Carly confesses that her high level of physical discomfort in romantic situations stems from her last relationship, which ended a year-and-a-half prior. Her ex wasn’t the touchy feely type. At all. She appreciates the “comfort and ease” that Chris provided on their date, and Chris appreciates her outer and inner beauty enough to present Carly with the date rose.
It’s group date day and Kaitlyn is hoping the “rapidly” part of the “rapidly falling in love” date clue means that she’ll get to rapid fire a bunch of guns, but alas it’s white water rafting. Megan worries that there are dead bodies and alligators in the water, waiting to scare/eat her. She’s adorable clueless. After a way too short safety briefing (the gist: y’all try not to die) the ladies and Chris head down the river with their guides. Jade falls in the water and has trouble warming up once she’s back on dry land. It turns out she has a medical condition whereby her body goes into hypothermia at an unusually rapid rate. Chris tries to rub warmth back into her feet, while Mackenzie wishes she had thought about throwing herself overboard to get some special touching too. Ah, to be 21 and that ridiculous.
During the evening portion of the group date, ousted bachelorette Jordan (eliminated in week 2) arrives at the hotel and intercepts Chris on his way to meet his dates. She’s driven to Sante Fe to plea for a second chance. In his private interview, Chris confesses to sending Jordan home early on because she didn’t seem to be taking the process seriously. Translation: girl was drunk 24/7. Jordan apologizes for her partying ways, and Chris likes her more serious side. He brings Jordan into the lion’s dean (ie. the room where the other woman are eagerly awaiting his arrival) and jaws hit the floor. He announces that he’d like Jordan to join on the group date, at least for tonight, but tells the rest of the women that he’s totally open to hearing any of their thoughts on the matter. One who has a lot of thoughts on this (along with her asston of fake eyelashes and crop tops) is one of this season’s virgins: Ashley. To sum up? She’s not a Jordan superfan. One by one the women tell Chris as politely as possible (seriously, I can almost hear the restrained eye rolls) that they aren’t team “Second Chance Jordan.” Only Whitney makes the case for Jordan to stay, because mean people (read: Ashley) suck. Jade ‘worries’ that the environment isn’t right for Jade, and that appears to be the straw that breaks the farmer’s back because Chris ‘that’s the right decision for a man’ Soules sends Jordan home. It turns out that genuine niceness pays off in the Bachelor world, because Whitney scores the date rose from Chris, who announces that he is “excited” for their “potential.” I definitely see Whitney sticking around ‘til hometown week. Ashley is mega mad that Whitney got the rose, and her only ally appears to be Mackenzie.
So those rumours about Britt not showering (a little nugget dropped by former contestant Michelle Money during the week one live audience show) turns out to be true. Britt jokes about having to wash her hair for the date and Carly reveals that apparently Britt hasn’t showered in weeks. I once went three days without showering during a camping trip and I was borderline catatonic with grossness. I hosed myself off in my backyard before taking 2 showers. I can’t even imagine how Britt has gone this long, and I pray to all the gods and both Olsen twins that this is a joke.
Spoiler alert: this is not a joke. The girl doesn’t bathe.
The official date card arrives and the “sky” part of “the sky’s the limit” turns Britt into a puddle of tears. Note to future Bachelor contestants: NEVER REVEAL ANY FEARS TO THE PRODUCERS BECAUSE THEY WILL SEND YOU ON THE FLYING/EATING BUGS/GOING DEEP UNDERWATER/REPELLING date. That’s just science.
Next up is Chris’s date with Britt. These two have been vibing since the moment Britt stepped out of the limo in week one – she even got the first impression rose. Their date is starting super early – like, 4:30 in the morning early. Chris sneaks into Britt’s room and lord have mercy the girl sleeps in makeup. Like, lipstick and everything. Chris comments that she smells nice (is this girl a robot?) when she worries that her breath must stink. Carly quips that Britt even puts makeup on to go to sleep. As a girl who forces herself to wear makeup maybe twice a month, this is incomprehensible to me. Remember how Britt is terrified of heights? Apparently that doesn’t apply to hot air balloon rides. Despite her questionable hygiene, there’s no question that Britt and Chris are adorable together. “I feel like Chris is my boyfriend,” she purrs.
Back in the hotel room, the girls are talking about how Britt doesn’t shower. It clearly isn’t an issue for Chris, who is giving Britt a tour of his hotel suite. Ashley has some hot goss: allegedly Britt isn’t down with the whole wife and kids routine. She apparently boasted that she “likes being single.” The mere whisper of this is akin to her telling the other women that she “loves murdering old people in their bathrooms.” Major Bachelor faux pas Britt, if she did in fact say these things. Meanwhile, on their date Britt is all “Kids? I LOVE kids! I want ALL THE KIDS!” She wants like “a hundred” of them. Chris gives her the date rose and they hunker down in bed (!) for a nap. Back at the hotel, Carly is in tears because she’s so upset about Chris sneaking into her shared room with Britt that morning and “shushing her” and kissing Britt in front of her. She also comments that Britt is “manipulative.” When Britt returns from her date, the resting bitch faces of the other women are pure gold. She reveals that her and Chris took a nap, and this sends Kelsey into overdrive. Kelsey was my very early favourite – I pegged her as top 4 in week one. But she demonstrated some sketchy (read: phony) behaviour during last week’s camping date. Now she sneaks away to Chris’ room to “steal” time with him and tells Chris about her husband – Sanderson – whom she met at 19 and married shortly thereafter and who died suddenly in May of 2013.
Kelsey goes from ‘hmm…is she a manipulative thundercunt or is she just misunderstood?’ to full-on sociopath in my book when, during her private on camera interview, she says with a smile: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic…but it’s amazing. I love my story.”
But Chris just sees a cute girl with a sad story, and they share their first kiss. “I had to tell him my story. We had to have our first kiss,” she emphasizes. “I know this show is about Chris, but this is my love story too.” On her way out, she jokes (?) that Chris should go ahead and cancel the rose ceremony that night. I literally get chills when Kelsey says: “This is the story of somebody who’s been through something so tragic and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into another relationship.” Is it possible that Kelsey has out-crazied Ashley S. who blessedly was sent home last week?
Sitting around waiting for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, the women who don’t have roses yet are fretting about the importance of spending time with Chris, especially for those who haven’t had one-on-one dates yet. Ashley puts herself in the same boat as Samantha (who? seriously), Kelsey and Becca – aka the no solo date crew. Upon hearing this, Kelsey attempts coyness by stating she’s feeling totes comfortable about her position going into the rose ceremony. Her Dead Husband Hail Mary™ has her feeling pretty good about her chances at the rose ceremony. God I hope the whole story isn’t fake. If it turns out she is not a widow I will never stop dry heaving.
Chris addresses the women and reveals that his chat with Kelsey has brought up a lot of emotions for him. He gets choked up and leaves the room, where host Chris Harrison catches up to him for a serious bro chat.
Back inside, Kelsey is telling the women that she had to go and seek private time with Chris because she had to “honour” her story by telling him in a place where they “couldn’t be interrupted.” She also claims she didn’t want the other women to be “jealous of the time.” Then things get even sketchier when she infers that she knows who Chris is sending home that evening. She tops that off with “and it means I have to say goodbye to people.” Party foul! She’s basically telling everyone that her story has effectively cemented her chances of getting a rose and sticking around for another week.
Chris Harrison arrives and declares that there will be no cocktail party after all, and that they will be going right into a rose ceremony. Ashley promptly downs some wine (loved that) and then falls apart in her private interview because Kelsey has a better/more traumatizing story than she does. For eff’s sake are these women really at the point where they are jealous of other woman having experienced more personal tragedy/loss because it gives them a perceived edge? Yes we’re really at that point. While Kaitlyn and Carly ponder the Kelsey situation, it seems that miss “honour my story” has disappeared, and we find her sprawled on the ground hyperventilating and being attended to by a medic. She’s hysterically crying and no one seems to know what’s wrong. And that’s where the episode ends, to be continued next week. Thanks god for Megan and her antics. She’s trying on sombreros and can’t figure out why it’s called “New Mexico” and not “Old Mexico.” Her moment gets four kinds of racist. But I laughed because I’m so so scared of Kelsey right now so it’s a welcome comic relief.
Until next week!