Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 3 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 19, 2015).
Cue the ominous music – a certain fella by the name of Jimmy Kimmel is creeping through the grounds of Chris’s Bachelor Pad and it’s time to wake up and “start an amazing journey together.” He greets his “sister wives” and host Chris Harrison announces that Jimmy will be guest co-hosting this week and even planning some dates, starting with a date for Kaitlyn and Chris at…Costco. Ah, a man after my own heart. I LOVE COSTCO SO HARD. Where else can I buy a box of 48 taquitos, 150 pencils, a barrel of olives and the latest Dr. Phil hardcover? Nowhere. That’s where. Kaitlyn and Chris set about shopping as per Jimmy’s instructions, in preparation for a dinner they will cook later that evening. Shenanigans ensue, including rolling around in a giant plastic blue ball (not a euphemism for blue balls, I hope) and buying office chairs. Later they cook up some steaks and hang out in the kitchen being super cute together. Kaitlyn and Chris conclude that normal is where it’s at and helicopters and over-the-top dates are so last week (literally). Also, they joke about the fact that she laughs like a dude while he laughs like a chick (true story). This duo seems super at ease with each other. Jimmy arrives and pokes fun at Chris for having lipstick transfer on his face and Kaitlyn teasingly calls Jimmy a dick. Jimmy says marrying Kaitlyn would be like marrying “another guy” because she likes beef and whiskey, while she confesses that she’s into farmers and dated a cow farmer before. Over dinner, Jimmy asks Kaitlyn if she’d be pissed if her and Chris ended up together and she later found out he slept with other women in the Fantasy Suite. Her answer?: Nah. “Canadians are the best!” declares Jimmy, and then urges Chris to bang e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. A few threesome jokes and lots of laughs later, this date is clearly a winner. The best is when Jimmy totally rags on Chris’ speech-making abilities while he’s presenting Kaitlyn with the date rose, – “Are there people on the farm or just animals?” – and makes him start over. The shot later of Chris and Kaitlyn making out in a hot tub while Jimmy sits two feet away eating chicken wings and staring at them made me pee a little, I’m not going to lie.
Oh and there’s an “Amazing jar’, where one has to put in a dollar every time they say the painfully overused word. That jar is almost full already.
Jillian is little Miss Muscular and “in it to win it.” Her pre-date ritual consists of an ass ton of squats. Just wailing on that ass. Jimmy addresses the ladies on the group date and announces that they are on a Hoedown Throwdown date. Corn shucking, “erotic” goat milking, something about eggs, etc. These ladies have to be down for life on the farm after all. I like how they keep blurring Jillian’s ass like it’s THAT out of control. Oh my god it might actually be THAT out of control. Cut to me slow clapping. To her relief, Amber is eliminated before the milk drinking part which she’s happy about because it was apparently “salty and warm” and to quote Amber: “That’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” Boom.
In the end, Carly is the “winner” and gets a blue ribbon and some alone time with Chris during a photoshoot re-creation of the famous American Gothic painting. Later she gets “in the game” when she pulls Chris aside and plants one on him. He then makes out with Amber and Jillian in quick succession. Mackenzie calls him on it and it is super awkward and never has she sounded more like a 21 year old. We finally see Becca and Chris chat and they say bye with a hug. But don’t let that lack of kissing fool ya, Becca scores the date rose! Chris was totes smitten with her during the limo exits in week one, but she hasn’t had much screen time since.
The next solo date card arrives and it’s for a very relived (and still slightly cartoon-voiced) Whitney. This date is the polar opposite of a Hoedown and takes place in Heaven. Also known as a winery. Whitney launches right into a “what are you looking for?” chat and apparently it’s a woman who can “roll the cob.” I like that. The pair notice a wedding taking place nearby and Whitney suggests they should crash it. After getting fancy dressed and picking up a gift, Chris and Whitney attempt to go incognito at a wedding for some couple named Nick and Shannon who, after the airing of this episode, are about to have about 15,000 new Facebook friends, while Bachelor producers wander about trying to stealthily film their wedding crashing on their cell phones. They chat with the bride’s sisters and mother and Whitney totally “rolls with the cob.” Translation: Lies a lot. And does it well. They even take to the dance floor where Chris pulls out some fun dance moves including the ‘shopping cart,’ and the ‘make out during a slow dance.’ Sadly, Whitney doesn’t catch the bouquet, but she does snag the date rose. In his private interview, Chris says he can “absolutely” imagine Whitney being his wife. Wow! He is REALLY into wedding crashing.
Chris claims he’s not just here to “shower with Jimmy Kimmel” but that gives me the sads because the scene with them soaping each other’s backs in Chris’ outdoor shower is one I won’t forget for days. Ok, months. A now squeaky-clean Jimmy lets the women know that there will be no traditional cocktail party that night and instead there will be a daytime pool party, much to the dismay of Ashley I. who is devastated that she won’t be able to bust out her “Kardashian look.” Juelia tells Chris she “doesn’t care about material things” and “treasures people more” as a result of her former husband’s suicide shortly after she gave birth. He handles her emotional breakdown super well and barely seems to notice her insistence on wearing a jewelled headband to a pool party. Also at this point I’m convinced that someone on set is the designated “tissue holder”. Like, that’s their job. To walk around with tissues at the ready for these moments. I wonder if that job comes with a good dental plan.
Britt and Chris have a tête-à-tête. No, literally, they can barely keep their faces apart. Next, Jade steps up to the proverbial place and asks Chris for a tour of his living quarters. Jade, like, really, like, just wanted some time to, like, get to know Chris better. Amidst a lot of weird giggling she jumps (literally) into bed with Chris where they proceed to make out, and Chris labels it a “good idea.” Meanwhile, Jillian is waiting out in his hot tub and witnesses Chris and Jade quasi sneaking out of his place. Unfazed, Jillian and Chris get some make out time of their own before Ashley I., Mackenzie and Megan crash their hot tub party. Ashley I. is quickly becoming unhinged and upset at her lack of alone time with the Bachelor and she walks off in a bit of a huff, tossing her plastic (wine?) cup in the process. Chris shows up at the house and she practically rips his arm off dragging him upstairs to a a rooftop deck for private time. She laugh-cries her confession to Chris that she’s a “little upset,” but he makes her feel all better and then she kisses him super hard, almost causing both of them to fall of the roof. Seriously, he just prevented them from tumbling off a roof by grabbing onto a ledge.
Before handing out the roses, Chris sits down with Jimmy Kimmel who gives him this sage advice: “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be someone who gives better speeches.” CAN JIMMY KIMMEL HOST EVERYTHING PLEASE? This is the best episode of The Bachelor ever. Or should I say, the most AMAZING.
Until next week!