RECAP: The Bachelor (Chris) – Week Two

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 2 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 12, 2015).

Picking up right where we left off last week, Bachelor Chris Soules and his slightly smaller harem are busy toasting to the Bachelor “journey” when rejected prospect Kimberly returns and asks to speak to Chris in private. She promptly starts crying and asks Chris for another chance. He bros down with host Chris Harrison and worries what kind of message it would send to the other women to allow Kimberly to return to the house. Chris addresses the other ladies and says that as he didn’t have time to chat with Kimberly during the cocktail party he has decided to accept her request to stick around. There are some decidedly mixed reactions from the ladies, though on the surface they mostly appear to be cool with it. I repeat: on the surface.

The next morning (I kind of hope they actually had a day to recover from the boozefest of night one – I’d need three days for my feet to stop hurting from wearing heels and I imagine some of those fake eyelashes were tricky to get off), Chris Harrison arrives at the Chick Compound to whip the ladies into a hormonal frenzy. He announces that dates are starting today (duh) and that the Bachelor himself is living just a short walk away (cue the stalking) and taking a lot of outdoor showers apparently. Giddy up! The first group date card arrives (“show your country”!) for Mackenzie, Jade, Tandra, (the less crazy of the Ashley’s) Ashley I., (second-chance) Kimberly and (likely hung-over) Tara.

On the group date, Chris (in a half zipped-up hoodie with no shirt underneath – is this a thing now?) cutely re-introduces himself to a relieved Kimberly. Later, the women wander – bikini-clad – down the streets of Los Angeles and find themselves tits-to-tires with a bunch of tractors. What proceeds is the world’s slowest tractor “race,” which Ashley I. wins. She promptly sits on Chris’ lap (too soon?) and drinks wine or champagne or something that will hopefully help erase the memory of participating in a tractor race, in a bikini, in downtown LA. I bet there’s a specific roofie for that. He requests some alone time to continue the date with just “flattered” Mackenzie, and Tara enters a sadness spiral that even Jack Daniels can’t pull her out of. It’s sad y’all.

Meanwhile back at the house, Jillian (with her butt blurred out? I’m guessing she’s sporting a thong) and Megan sneak into Chris’ place (that didn’t take long) to try on his motorcycle helmet and slam their heads into things to check how well it works. I almost wish I was making this up. On a more serious note, the barely seen until now Juelia (not a typo) reveals that she has a daughter and her husband committed suicide.

Over dinner, a very young Mackenzie notices that Chris had his ears pierced at one point and basically says Chris has a big nose (more specifically: a “prominent” one). She then asks if he believes in aliens, which is a “red flag” for Chris “on a first date.” Mackenzie finally manages to sputter out (between saying “like” a bunch of times) that she has a son (lest we forget: Kale). She imitates Kale and shows off pictures of her cutie. Because he sees something in her that’s “genuine,” Chris presents Mackenzie with the date rose. Hope you’re cool with having your honeymoon at Area 51 buddy. And for a girl’s name, how about quinoa? You’re welcome.

The first solo date card arrives for a thrilled Megan, who thinks it’s a love note not a date card. She is quickly schooled by the other women, who manage to suppress hard eye rolls. Chris arrives to pick her up and a giggly throng awaits him. After holding hands for a million years they arrive in Las Vegas to take a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon, where they stop for a picnic lunch. Chris toasts to the “most beautiful blue eyes in North America” and Megan can’t believe she’s on this “journey”. Megan tells Chris that her boss convinced her to audition for the show but her dad passed away shortly after her audition which made her second-guess her decision to come on the show. At the prodding of her mother, she decided to go forward with it and “take a leap of faith”. They kiss, she accepts his rose, the usual. It makes me so sad when she says that this was the best day of her life because clearly she’s never eaten 3 McLobsters while watching a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon and ordering a bunch of Young Adult books off Amazon while wearing a promotional t-shirt from a strip club.

The next (slightly morbid-sounding) group date card arrives for Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca (who I suspect will be final four based on being one of his favourites during the limo exit but barely shown since), Amber, (crazy Ashley) Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn and (early front-runner) Britt. The ladies are driven out to some murder-y location. Big shout out to the Bachelor producer who added the super cheesy wolf howl sound effects, in case we didn’t realize this date is intended to scare the extensions right off the heads of these ladies. Chris arrives and is greeted by a car full of screaming women. Cute! Then the group is off to a zombie hunt on some set that to me looks a lot like Detroit at night. It’s basically paintball with lipstick and uptalking. Chris finds it all very “sexy.” Ashley S. and her crazy eyes are excited at the prospect of shooting..anything.

While Ashley S. is eerily strolling through zombie territory and staring at candles calling them “angels,” back at the Chick Compound some of the girls are unwinding with face masks while Jordan is a hot drunk mess who’s making fun of Jillian’s (allegedly) hairy but super toned ass.

Back on the group date, Chris and Kaitlyn (oh she’s Canadian!) are bonding. She may have made some off-putting jokes in week one but her free-spirit and sense of humour are big pluses for Chris, and they kiss. Upon returning from time with Kaitlyn, Chris and Ashley S. pair up and she asks him to hide. Moments before, she was attempting to chat with the ladies by repeating “boom” and “find your truth” and they all looked, frankly, terrified. Ashley S. asks Chris about his fears and when he tries to answer she cuts him off by practically shouting “ARE WE IN A DOME?” at him. While Chris is filming his private on-camera interview where he’s addressing Ashley S.’s odd behaviour, she interrupts him and tells him his leather jacket smells good. Then she says “you don’t want to lose the whole world.” Oh shit this is getting legitimately uncomfortable. She thanks a camera man and wanders off. I can’t even. To his credit, Chris handles it all super well. Luckily, Britt comes along and Chris is visibly happy to hang out with her. They’re super cute if a little intense, and Chris gives her a ‘Free Kiss from Chris’ coupon. Nice call back to week one, pal! They make out for days, but ultimately Chris gives the date rose to Kaitlyn.

During the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Whitney is the first to pull Chris away and she has the perfect mini date planned – drinking whiskey by the fire. It’s pretty cute, and her voice sounds way less cartoon-y. Meanwhile it’s confession time over on the couch: Disney princess-looking Ashley I.  with the great eyebrows and a penchant for crop tops tells single mom Mackenzie that she’s a virgin. To Mackenzie, Ashley I. is a triple threat: super pretty, good personality and a virgin. Her jealousy is both verbally expressed and physically palpable.

When she gets some time with Chris, Ashley I. offers him three wishes from her bellybutton. His first wish is a kiss (original!) and they really go to town. With an audience. The women inside the house get an eyeful out the window. This sends Britt into tears, because she feels like Chris is her boyfriend.

Amber is “on cloud 9” after kissing Chris and a very enthusiastic (read: drunk as a skunk) Jordan just wants to make out. Step 1: put on lipstick. Step 2: interrupt Chris talking to Juelia. Step 3: Go in for the kill – oh wait Chris isn’t into it. At all. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. Too bad, Jordan seems fun and she’s super cute in a Kate Hudson way.

Time for the rose ceremony. After a stumble from hard-bodied Jillian (who took a dive after mistakenly hearing her name called to collect a rose), the girls sent packing are: Jordan, Alissa, Tara, Tandra and Kimberly (this time it sticks, despite her cute face and yoga instructor body). In case you’re keeping track, Ashley S. made it through another week. T.h.e fuck?

Until next week!

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