Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on episode 1 of Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 5, 2015).
Welcome back Bachelor lovers. It seems like just yesterday we were watching Nick act like a complete suck bag of humanity on the ‘After the Final Rose’ special after learning that sassy and beautiful Assistant District Attorney Andi Dorfman picked former baseball player Josh to be her fella.
We’re promised a Bachelor season premier like we’ve never seen before. Evidently the Bachelor producers are under the impression that everyone with a vagina in North America has experienced a collective loss of memory. Uh guys, I really think by this point we know the drill: a montage of our Bachelor/Bachelorette in tight shirts/a bikini flashing a wall of perfect white teeth, waxing poetic on love, pumping out some version of “I can’t believe this is happening to me,” and gazing out at the ocean/corn field/forest. Turns out the ‘like we’ve never seen before’ is a live red carpet premiere event in Hollywood. I’m guessing somewhere near the corner of Desperation Ave. and Journey Blvd. And my first supressed vomit occurs early on: we’re referring to our Bachelor Chris Soules as Prince Farming? I…can’t.
We’re promised virgins! and widows! and a famous talk show host who will, at some point, fill in for host Chris Harrison! Oh my.
So let’s meet Chris Soules whom I will probably refer to frequently as Farmer Chris. Chris is 33, blonde, generically appealing, and a bit of a clenched-jaw talker. I described him as having a face made of yawns for most of the season until he got Andi’s attention with some ‘Secret Admirer’ antics and sorta re-enacted that pottery wheel scene from Ghost. It wasn’t enough to win Andi over though. And at that point, the collective panties of viewers dropped and he was pretty much cemented as the next Bachelor. More about Chris: he’s a 4th generation farmer, he’s apparently rich as fuck, he drops the ubiquitous Bachelor/Bachelorette word “journey” 3 times in 10 minutes (best drinking game ever!) and he fulfills the producers’ #1 requirement of the next Bachelor: he’s not at all like Juan Pablo. God, remember Juan Pablo, the last Bachelor? #theworst. Oh and whoever Chris ends up with must love wine (according to his family) and living on a farm (not to be confused with a fun/lazy/nothing actually dies farm like the one in Farmville).
Aside: remember when everyone and their mother was playing Farmville on Facebook and you’d hear people talking about it on the street? I remember hearing so many idiots saying things like “maybe I’ll buy a farm.” Hahahaha. Good luck with that. I literally take 3 vitamins just to get out of bed in the morning, so I’m not fooling myself into thinking that waking up at 5 am is in any way fun.
At one point we see Chris shooting the shit at a local watering hole in Arlington, Iowa, with some farmers and one thing is painfully clear: there are no dateable women in Arlington. Just a bunch of dudes talking about rain and grain prices (oh, that gets me hot). And Chris wants to wife up. So a chance to meet 25 (30?) ladies at once? Sign him up. His pal Cody (also from Andi’s season) has been helping Chris buff up for TV. It looks exhausting. Luckily, Chris has a sweet sweet motorcycle to lean and relax on while wearing a leather jacket and gazing over his acres and acres of land, talking about SOULESmates. Get it? SOULESmates. Because his last name is Soules? (pats self on back). This is going to be a fun season. Not, like, actually fun to watch but fun for the puns, yo.
Back on the red carpet host Chris Harrison chats with Bachelor couple Sean and Catherine. Man, they love trotting out these two. I guess they have so few success stories that they’ll be interviewing them until they die. Chris Harrison will probably live tweet the funeral. Next it’s recently engaged Marcus and Lacey from Bachelor in Paradise. They got engaged after “dating” on an island for about 9 minutes and they’re getting married this summer. Sweet as pie Lacey says they’re “80/40” on the date and location for their wedding, so I’m sure she’s super busy with all those Mensa meetings and hasn’t had much time to plan. We also hear that Bachelorette Desiree and her chosen one/consolation prize Chris are tying the knot soon. So all is well.
Time to get to know a few of the ladies/contestants better:
Britt is a stunning waitress from Los Angeles who hasn’t felt a deep connection in, like, forever. Sidenote: she’s 27. She’s a big fan of backpacks from Urban Outfitters and she loves hiking. Initial thoughts: adorable but potentially a Stage 5 clinger.
Jillian is a news producer from Washington DC. She can dead lift more than a lot of guys she knows and has the thighs of a viking. Initial thoughts: Could be a contender. Could certainly take down her competition. Literally.
Ballet teacher Amanda is living la vida loca rent-free at her mom’s place. She hates cooking and cleaning and she has really big eyes. Initial thoughts: Cray cray. In a hilarious way.
Cartoon-voiced Whitney from Chicago is a fertility nurse. She’s been looking for love but can’t find someone who wants to just settle down already. Initial thoughts: Blonde, perky, sweet and a nurse to boot. Could be a contender. I don’t think I’d let her look inside me though.
Time for the token single mom – dental assistant Mackenzie and her son Kale (I can’t even). Initial thoughts: Get new friends Mac – they let you name your baby Kale. But adorable. Maybe a bit too young.
Alissa is a flight attendant from New Jersey who likes airline puns and awkwardly winking. She wants to “fly off into the sunset” with Chris. Initial thoughts: Despite the slightly pervy intro clip, she could be a contender.
Kelsey is a guidance counsellor from Texas. Lovely and poised, she’s also a widow (for 1 year and 4 months). Initial thoughts: Smart and well-spoken. My favourite so far.
Ridiculously attractive recent Bachelorette couple Andi and Josh are on the red carpet for a chat with Chris and confess that they haven’t even had time to start wedding planning. I’m guessing they’ve just been too wrapped saying “no, you’re prettier” to each other. Chris made it super far on Andi’s season. She’s thrilled that he’s the Bachelor and is confident that he can find a girl who can live life on the farm in Iowa. Next Chris speaks to the “winner” of Juan Pablo’s very controversial season, Nikki. It didn’t really feel like she won considering how much of an asshat Juan Pablo turned out to be. Nikki confirms what Bachelor Nation already knows: they be splitsville. Nikki speaks quite thoughtfully about their relationship and JP’s reluctance to express his feelings about Nikki on their finale aftershow. Nikki points to distance and non-compatible lifestyles as the reason for their breakup, and Chris never shuts up about how terrible JP was and what the heck did she see in him anyways?
UPDATE: According to TMZ, Andi and Josh have broken up. Just 3 days after showing up on the red carpet together!
Moving on and back to our Bachelor, Farmer Chris is trying on tight long-sleeved shirts and being fitted for suits and generally aw shucks-ing over being picked as the Bachelor. Oh thanks god, they found him a giant bale of hay to pose on for his official photo shoot. And here I was, worried they were going to overdo it on the farmer theme.
The first Giggle Limo arrives and to his credit Chris only looks slightly terrified. He knows there’ll be some crazy thundercunts in those limos but maybe his future wife too. And if all else fails: open bar, Chris. Open bar. Britt’s the first out of the limo, and she gives Chris the longest hug in recorded history. He thinks she’s beautiful, and she hands him a cute note for an IOU on a free hug later. Kelsey’s arrival is pretty cute, with her saying she’s “just a regular girl” and him countering that he’s “just a regular guy.” Donated tissue specialist Reegan brings a prop cooler, and cow girl Tara arrives in (too short) jean shorts that she has to pull out of her hush, but she quickly changes into a cocktail dress and re-introduces herself to Chris (earning a cute wink). Amanda turns the tables and doesn’t let Chris see her before she heads inside the house, thus becoming his secret admirer. Brooklyn-based hair stylist Ashley S puts a penny in Chris’ shoe, and Kaitlyn makes a plowing joke that leaves Chris speechless. Later when Chris enters the house (where 15 girls are lounging) she makes another bad sex joke involving a tight seal. I’ll spare you the rest. Britt pulls Chris aside early on for some one-on-one time and describes herself as a “safe haven.” She’s super cute but it’s a bit of overkill, especially when she talks about wanting to raise kids in a small town. There’s an almost kiss and definitely a connection there. Kelsey and Chris compare dimples, while the other women speculate on how many more will be arriving. Typically 25 women compete, but Chris Harrison has revealed to the live audience that there will be 30.
After a chat with big-eyed secret admirer Amanda (that’s what some of the other ladies have labelled her), Chris Harrison pulls Farmer Chris aside to tell him there are 15 more ladies en route.
And here come more limos! Wedding cake decorator Michelle calls Chris a “babe,” and he’s very obviously instantly smitten with bouncy Becca and her midnight blue sparkly dress. Tandra rolls in on a motorcycle which is awesome. Jordan (from Windsor, Ontario – holler Canada!) brings him whiskey and they pause for a drink, while WWE wrestler Brittany is wearing some sort of lingerie dress and totally steals my SOULESmates bit.
But wait…there’s more! Yet another limo arrives, bringing our tally up to the promised 30. Like, whoa. 30 women! I almost feel bad for the guy. Fourth grade teacher Tracy brings notes from her students and I kind of love her, and pretty brunette Jade definitely gets his attention. “If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will,” Farmer Chris tells host Chris. He enters the lions den full of mostly drunk women and admits he’s “overwhelmed.” Time to chat with the women a bit more.
Kaitlyn gives Chris a dance lesson, and despite her weird sex jokes Chris seems into her. No wonder he jokes about wishing he was a polygamist. He’s into a lot of the women! Plus-sized model Bo loves meat, while inside Ashley S. is starting to unravel. Perfect timing too, since some of the ladies are trying to figure out who the crazy one is. DING DING DING. She interrupts Chris and talks about onions and running through sunflower fields and riding horses and it’s a gigantic mess which is blessedly interrupted.
Tara’s on the hot mess express train too, and evidently she smells like whiskey. Predictably, the first impression rose goes to Britt, and Chris tells her that when he saw her he felt something he hasn’t felt in a long time. They’re so cute together and it’s only been 5 hours (so about 4 minutes in TV time). Chris is super smitten with Britt already, and they kiss.
At the rose ceremony, Tara starts to crumple, which is the polite way of saying that she could really use a pizza and a nap. She ends up getting a rose, along with Ashley S. Ultimately the women sent packing are: Reegan, Michelle, Nicole, Kara, Brittany, Amanda, Bo and Kimberly (who is none to pleased to be sent packing).
And that’s it for Chris Soules’ first night as The Bachelor. Until next week!