The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Nine

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week nine of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 14, 2014).

Apologies for having fallen two weeks behind in my Bachelorette recaps. In my defense, I was in beautiful British Columbia for 10 days, drinking all the wine and wondering why I don’t live there (at least part-time). So now I’m back and playing catch up, starting with the July 14 episode – the final three men and potential overnight dates in the Fantasy Suite.

Andi and the final three studs in her dude harem are in the Dominican Republic, and after a thorough(ly boring) recap of all of their “qualities” Andi waxes poetic about feeling quite strongly that she will find her future husband in the end.

First up for dates this week is Andi’s perceived favourite, Nick. In typical Bachelor/Bachelorette fashion, they board a helicopter and head to a private island where they undress in slow motion and make out in the ocean. “It’s that adult romance with Nick,” Andi gushes. And Nick likes that they “just fit.” Andi’s got breakups on her mind; particularly, the circumstance surrounding the demise of Nick’s last two serious relationships (including one that was an engagement). Nick is all ‘it’s cool’ but admits that he didn’t want to really talk to anyone for six months. Six months! After much stuttering and still no ‘I love you’ from Nick, Andi finally suggests they go snorkelling and Nick appears visibly relieved.

Later that evening, things seem unusually forced between the two as they recap their favourite parts of the day. Andi segues into a line of questioning about whether or not Nick is clumsy and then he presents her with an illustrated story he wrote about a “princess” from “the magical land of Los Angeles” who is on a love “quest”. Andi LOVES IT, and Nick even pokes fun at his crappy attitude in France. “There was no doubt for Nick that Andi would be his princess,” he reads. She especially appreciates that Nick has left some blank pages. Oh my god you guys, it’s because their STORY ISN’T OVER. Nick accepts Andi’s invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite, and jokingly warns her that he is likely to “talk her ear off” all night which I sincerely hope is a metaphor for anal sex because all that talking sounds exhausting. Joking, guys! Sort of. Nick leads Andi as far away from the cameras as possible (but obviously they are found and still connected to microphones) where he eventually spits out an “I’m really I love with you” followed by a “when you know, you know.” Andi replies “I love hearing that”. They make out under a palm tree and he totally grabs her ass and she does that cute hand in his pocket thing and there’s no doubt these two are gonna bang it out tonight in the Fantasy Suite.

Later that week (presumably after her vag has recovered from her Nick-at-night-a-thon), Andi and Josh unite for their (possibly last) date. “When I’m with Josh I definitely get giddy,” she purrs. They wander around a village and drink sugar cane juice and Josh shows off his Spanish skills and they play some baseball with the local kiddies. Josh really wants Andi and the viewers to know that he’s in love with her – “I am totally in love with Andi!” – even though he knows she can’t say it back. With the Fantasy Suite key heavy on her mind, Andi and Josh somewhat relax over dinner. Josh is worried he came off as “cocky” on night one. Josh and Andi discuss what kind of parents they would be (“protective” and a “softy”, respectively). Josh sees her as his future wife and the mother of his children. “I’ll put up with you…will you put up with me?” he teases her. Andi confesses she worried Josh would never be the type to express his emotions to her so honestly. She didn’t know how he felt for the longest time, because he’s generally a happy-go-lucky kind of guy and it made her question the depth of their relationship. Andi now believes “deep down” that Josh is in love with her, and thus he is invited to spend the night with her in the Fantasy Suite after they take in a fireworks show. Yeah, this was never going to be a ‘separate rooms’ night. These two have been half-humping since night one and I’m fairly certain she gets pregnant just stepping into that hot tub with him. End scene.

Last up is farmer Chris. A total sweetheart, Andi looks legitimately thrilled to see him. The first few weeks, I wrote Chris off as a total yawn face but he’s really stepped it up recently and has emerged as the dark horse of the season. They head out on horseback and literally talk about agriculture (!) and even Andi’s horse is bored because it starts freaking out and Andi is terrified, and I’m reminded of a particularly stubborn horse I had to deal with in Costa Rica once. Have you ever tried reasoning with a horse? Believe me, it is pointless. They don’t care AT ALL when you tell them that getting thrown from a horse into a rocky stream does not go with your outfit.

Things go a little smoother once Andi’s back on two feet. She tells Chris she loved his family (they were my favourite!) and he is happy to report that the feeling was mutual. After the world’s lamest game of hide-and-go-seek, they make out adorably in the fields in the most perfect pre-sunset light. Despite how cute and cuddly they are, in her voiceover Andi confesses that when it comes to spending the night together she’s “still not sure that Chris and [her] are at that point yet.” During the evening portion of their date, Andi’s admits she loved spending time with Chris in Iowa more than she thought she would because, you know, it’s Iowa. Chris assures her that “two people that truly believe they are meant to be together can make most anything work.” Well said, farmer Chris. A tearful Andi counters with “there’s a struggle between seeing what an amazing person is right in front of me, and then also being unsure about it.” Oh shit. Looks like Chris is on the express train to Dumpsville. Chris gives a sweet speech about his strong feelings for her and this only makes Andi cry harder. “In all honesty, I don’t know if I see myself in Iowa but there’s also more to it,” she sobs. “I don’t think that it’s fair to make you sit here for days and wait for a rose ceremony.” An “incredibly disappointed” Chris takes it well, and tells her he respects her honesty. Andi says she feels like an idiot for not being in love with him. “Look at you…you’re smart and successful…the family that you have…everything on paper is…” Andi stammers and Chris reassures her that it’s ok. “My head and heart don’t match up,” she says, and Chris holds it together despite being obviously heartbroken. She walks him out and can’t stop crying and apologizing. “I want your feelings to be for me and if you’re not I want to go home. You did the right thing. You’re an amazing woman…it wasn’t meant to be.” AAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH dammit Chris! Stop being so cute. Chris is heading home to Iowa.

Later that week, Andi sits down with host Chris Harrison to talk about sending farmer Chris home. She reiterates that her feelings just weren’t as strong for him as they are for Josh and Nick. “He was as kind to me when I said goodbye to him as he was the day I met him…that’s a man who’s a class act in my opinion.” Hmm…Chris for next Bachelor?

Chris Harrison advises Nick and Josh that Chris won’t be joining them at the rose ceremony, and tells them that although Chris has left there will still be a rose ceremony. Andi lets them know she sent Chris home because she “didn’t see a future with him,” and ultimately both men accept her roses, and as such will be meeting Andi’s family.

That’s it for this week. Kind of a snoozer, right? So, any predictions – will Andi pick Josh, Nick, or neither? Hit me up in the comments.

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