The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Six

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 23, 2014).

Andi and her man harem are in “unbelievable” Venice this week. She’s riding on a gondola, staring off into the distance with her soul mate search game face on. There are eight dudes left y’all, and Andi has missed them terribly (but not Cody, because…it’s Cody). Andi reveals that the week’s first one-on-one will go to Nick. Cody is gutted, because he’s the only one of the remaining dudes not to have had a one-on-one with Andi. “It sucks,” he groans. Sorry bro. Andi realizes that picking Nick for a second one-on-one before taking Cody is not going to be a popular decision, but gosh darn Nick is just so cute and also she’s still a little unsure about him after his “salty” attitude on the group date last week.

The rejected men return to their hotel to lick their wounds and exclaim “NICE!” a billion times while taking in their hotel suite. Cody be trippin’ about not getting the date card, and lame face Chris makes attempts to comfort him on the patio.

Meanwhile, Andi and Nick are having a heck of a fun date, taking in the sites and strolling across bridges hand-in-hand. They pit stop for pizza then gelato and feed a flock of dirty diseased pigeons. I would lose my shit if a pigeon ever came that close to my face. Eventually they take the requisite Gondola Ride of Emotions™, and talk about the previous week’s weirdness and Nick’s alleged hostility towards Cody. He seems apologetic, and Andi appreciates him addressing it. Things seem much smoother between the two. “We’re back!”, Nick fist pumps.

Back at the Bro-tel, the group date card arrives for Josh, Brian, Dylan (ugh), Marcus, JJ and Chris. That means Cody’s getting his solo date after all! The men are all genuinely happy for Cody, who’s been nothing but nice but is clearly not a real contender for Andi’s heart.

On the evening portion of their date, Andi arrives on a gondola (yes, we get it, it’s Venice) wearing the shit out of a beautiful ball gown. She is greeted by Nick who’s ass looks amazing in a tux. Over a dinner that no one eats, Andi prods a bit more about why he was being maybe mean to Cody because Andi is more attracted to men who are liked by other men or something. “Do you think you’re a frontrunner?” she asks him point blank. “I don’t like the word…it’s hard to imagine anyone else ending up with you,” Nick states. “You’re my number one priority,” he adds. Andi gets a little dig in by saying “you thought you were going home, huh?”. Later, Nick tells her that “I can confidently say that I’m definitely falling in love.” Date rose? Check. They don masquerade ball masks and dance under the stars. Same old.

The next morning, a perky Andi receives yet another note from her ‘Secret Admirer.’ I watched the episode with my pal R who was all “is it Cody?” and I never stopped laughing. Doubt it.

It’s time for Andi’s group date, and Chris’s face is literally made of yawns. Her and her man posse enter a castle and marvel at the armour and weaponry. But alas, there will be no jousting for Andi’s heart today; instead, the men will be subject to a lie detector test. Chris confesses in his private on-camera interview that there’s something he’s been hiding and it will likely come out today. Is it that you seem kinda boring, Chris? Because one would have to be headless to not have picked up on that.

While milling about with the other dudes, Josh is all fake smiles and “how correct are these tests? I mean..really.” Um. Dude. May as well just announce that you’re a liar right now. Andi takes the test too, and claims that she’s “fallen in love.” Meanwhile, Josh continues to question the validity of lie detectors, so obviously he’s hiding something big like a third nipple or a secret family in Baltimore. JJ thinks he’s good in bed, and Marcus says he’s ready for marriage. Dylan admits to having slept with over 20 women (WHO ARE THESE WOMEN????) but also says he doesn’t always wash his hands after using the bathroom. Chris answers “yes” to the question “are you here for the right reasons,” and also admits to being Andi’s Secret Admirer. Whoa, didn’t see that one coming. Chris is suddenly like 7% more attractive to me, bringing him up to a respectable 8%.

Time for the results. You are…NOT THE FATHER. Wait, not that kind of results? Ok cool. Andi is told by the test administrators that there are definitely some liars in the bunch…but she’s one of them! The men read her results and it seems like she lied about Italy being her favourite country and about believing that all the men are there for the right reasons. Andi chooses to rip up the men’s results (amateur move) and Josh is all “that speaks volumes!” Translation: Josh is hugely fucking relieved.

During the evening portion of the group date, Brian takes Andi aside and sputters out some dumb crap (seriously, does he get MORE awkward every week?) and tells her to “ask me anything.” Andi’s first question is “have you ever lied to a girlfriend” to which Brian responds “no.” That turns into a weird “do you want to make out?” request from Brian to which Andi responds “no” and he calls her a liar and goes for her face. Well played, shy Brian.

Marcus and Andi get cozy, and he drops a bit of a bombshell on her: when he first realized he was “falling” for Andi, he went to the other men and said he was thinking of leaving because it was a weird environment or whatever but he slept on it and decided to stay because she’s “worth it.” Oh Marcus, nothing makes a girl feel prettier than knowing you almost cut and run but stuck around because basically you took a nap. Thanks.

Hanging out with the other men inside, JJ muses that he was probably one of the ‘liars’ and that he probably lied about being good in bed. Yeah, that sounds about right. Josh, meanwhile, is AGAIN complaining about having been forced to take a lie detector test. HEY JOSH YOU KNOW THIS WASN’T ANDI’S IDEA, RIGHT??? Fuck. He’s happy she ripped up the results, and Andi should be seeing about a million red flags right about now. This, of course, all leads to a ‘what are you hiding from me’ conversation and Andi legit regrets not reading the results now. In her private interview, she cries that “I don’t know how genuine this is.” Josh is starting to look shady as fuck.

Luckily, along comes yawn face Chris to cheer her up, by confessing to being her Secret Admirer. “I knew it,” Andi giggles. She calls him her “dash of hope.” Chris ultimately receives the group date rose, and once again the other men are all happy for him…well, everyone except JJ. The Pantsapreneur is sick and tired of everyone being all happy and supportive for each other when they get one-on-one dates/date roses/a scrap of attention from Andi. Chris wants to know what the alternative is? Are they supposed to hang around all day shit talking each other and being dickbags? Brian – always the voice of reason – is all “I just focus on the next opportunity to talk to Andi.”

The next day, Andi embarks on her first date with Cody. She mentions thinking he has beautiful eyes. Too bad about the rest of his face. She muses that “maybe Verona is the place for us to be romantic,” and I can actually hear the question mark in her voice. Doubt it, doll. My viewing mate R shouts “he looks like a lizard” at the screen and then refers to him as “Raisin Balls”. I don’t even want to admit how long it took me to realize that it was a steroids reference.

So anyways, Cody says he’s “ready to be Andi’s Romeo” and then I never stop throwing up. They head to that ‘Letters to Juliet’ place where volunteers respond to letters from lonely souls who write to ‘Juliet’ to moan about their love lives and lack thereof. Andi reads a sweet letter from recently divorced Mary, 36, from Los Angeles who’s trying to figure out the current dating landscape. Cody reads (!) a letter from a man named Jason who is almost definitely a major stalker and wants advice on capturing the attention (and hopefully the heart) of a woman he’s smitten with/probably currently watching through binoculars from a bush outside her duplex. Cody’s advice to Jason is to believe in himself and “have confidence”. He reads his response to Andi, saying “I can relate to how you feel because I feel the exact same way around the girl of my dreams.” Damn you Cody, making me like you.

Oh wait, hold the phone: I take it all back. Because Cody just showed up for his dinner with Andi wearing an aggressively deep v-neck t-shirt under a too-shiny gray suit made of nightmares and possibly reflective tape. All my lady bits shrivel instantaneously.

Cody starts the night off by reading Andi a letter he wrote to ‘Juliet’. It’s kind of sweet, because he reminisces about seeing Andi get out of the limo on the first episode of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor and being instantly enamoured by the “beautiful, down-to-earth girl with all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife.” I decide I’d be into Cody if I were blind until he says “I hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh poor Raisin Balls.

Andi looks like she’s about to cry. Cody is laying it on so thick and saying things like “the longer you keep me around the more you’ll like me” and he’s talking so incredibly fast and basically trying to convince Andi she likes him and then she starts crying for realsies. Cutting Cody off, Andi half-wails “I don’t know if I see that potential in a romance…there’s a huge part of me that feels like it’s not there and I respect you way too much to hurt you but I can’t take you to next week.” It’s a highly emotional moment, broken by R deadpanning: “Maybe you shouldn’t have worn that jacket, Raisin Balls.” Classic.

Andi walks Cody to the Reject Van of Broken Dreams (but at least it’s a BMW) where he cries, but I suspect at least 60% of his tears are the result of being hungry. They never let anyone actually eat on this show, and he’s probs due for his 8th protein shake du jour.

Back at the Bro-tel, the bellhop arrives and removes Cody’s luggage, thus signalling the end of Cody’s Creatine-filled ‘journey’. R’s boyfriend (who we force to watch Bachelorette with us but are fairly certain he’s secretly super into it) pipes up with “maybe he’ll be the next Bachelor” to which R and I pretty much shout “HELLS NO” into his mouth. We’re adorable that way.

At the pre-COCKtail party the following evening, tensions are high because of Nick. He’s being whispered about and called “arrogant”. Marcus and Andi get some time alone, where he tells her (again) that he’s falling in love with her. JJ spends his private time with our Bachelorette just trying to put his mouth on her mouth. Brian reads some horrible letter that’s all about how scared he is that he’s falling for her so quickly (which she LOVES). Josh is mildly combative and brings up trust again and he seems poised to be sent packing this evening. R comments that Josh should “just tell Andi you’re in love with her…it works!”. Dylan returns, after bailing on the rest of the group date due to a stomach bug (karma, dirty hands).

Chris Harrison arrives and swiftly takes Andi away so she can mull over her big decision. She can’t help smiling when she says that “Nick is starting to be a believer in all of this.” So clearly, he’s solidly back in her good books. Chris is shocked that Andi ripped up the lie detector results without at least peaking at them, commenting “how do you not want to know???”

Andi mentions that Josh reacted badly and was agitated about taking the test. Returning to her dudes, Andi kicks off the elimination ceremony by announcing that she’s “a very lucky girl”. Shockingly, Dylan gets the first rose. I had assumed that he would be left to the end against Josh and ultimately sent home, since I’ve not even seen him and Andi speak beyond two sentences to each other in weeks. But it turns out Josh is safe too, and the man going home this week is JJ. “It’s because you never wear socks!” R yells at the TV.

Andi walks JJ outside and tells him she just didn’t see a future. He’s bummed, but relieved she cut him loose sooner rather than later. Once inside the sad sack limo, JJ tears up, saying “it just hurts for your heart to be wrong.”

And that’s it for this week! Next week Andi and her man harem will be in Brussels. I can’t even describe how jealous I am.

XO

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