The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Five

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 16, 2014).

So we’re back after a double episode week followed by a week sans Bachelorette*. I don’t know about you guys, but I couldn’t wait to see what Andi and her man harem got up to this week.

Andi is in romantic Marseille, the “perfect place to fall in love.” Speaking of douche-canoes (just go with it), Andrew has spent ‘some time’ in St Tropez and Monaco so he’s feeling right at home in Marseille. The men settle into their hotel suite, where Josh receives the first one-on-one date card.

Meanwhile, Andi is having a tea party for one when Chris Harrison arrives all dashing and manly in a fisherman sweater and blazer. Apparently they are in different climates, because Andi’s sporting a leather mini. Chris kind of hits on Andi for a few moments before finally asking her if she’s falling in love. She confesses that she’s falling for more than one of the dudes.

She arrives at the hotel to collect a very excited Josh and I notice immediately that she’s wearing white jeans (I always think “SO BRAVE” whenever I see someone wearing white pants, like they’re an actual hero or something). The chemistry between Andi and Josh is palpable. They’re obviously super attracted to each other, but is there a deeper connection? They take a trip on a sailboat and make out and talk about baseball and shit.

Back at the Bro-tel, the group date card arrives and its blank (much like its reader, the yawn-inducing Dylan), except for a heart doodle and ‘Andi.’ Andrew is super keen to NOT be on the next group date card, but he’s in stiff competition with Brian and Patrick. The group date dudes are revealed to be Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick and…Andrew.

Back on their romantic date, Josh and Andi are talking travel and his baseball “career”. Josh claims he wasn’t as “mentally strong” back in the day as he is now. Okayyyyyyy. In her private interview, Andi comments that she’s worried her connection with Josh is similar to her connection with the horrible Juan Pablo, whom she emphasizes she could never, never have been with long term. But damn that is a pretty face on Josh, isn’t it?

While Andi is torn between lust and love, pantsapreneur JJ is chatting with Brian and Marquel and the gist is that Andrew – in addition to being kind of an ass clown who apparently got a waitresses phone number on a break from filming – is also perhaps a bit of a racist. My future husband Marquel is incensed. JJ spills that during the first rose ceremony when Andi presented both Ron and Marquel with roses, Andrew commented that she gave roses to “the two blackies”. Or maybe it was “the two black guys.” JJ can’t remember for sure, but swears he wasn’t loaded when he heard it.

Marquel is pondering the possibility of confronting Andrew about his alleged comments, and gets emotional talking about it. OH MARQUEL YOU’RE SO HANDSOME. YOU LOOK SO STRESSED. WHY DON’T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS AND WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT???

Andi and Josh find themselves at Longchamp Palace, and she’s really hoping to find a deeper mental connection. Early in the conversation, Andi admits to being cheated on by her “type” – the athlete type. Josh is hoping to change Andi’s impression of super handsome sportos. Josh’s confession: he hasn’t dated in five years. So where he lives, all the women are in comas, I presume. Josh too has been cheated on (his ex-girlfriend kissed another dude). “The next person I say ‘I love you’ too…I wanna marry,” he tells Andi. “This is the first time I’ve felt this way in forever.” Aww. Andi is smitten! “Everything that I thought is kind of working and happening,” Andi sighs. Josh sails his way into Andi’s heart and is rewarded with the date rose. Later, the duo slow dance while serenaded by Ben Fields in a picturesque courtyard. “I cannot wait to see what happens next!” Josh enthuses.

Group date day is next. Andi has a “really fun date planned.” But clearly she’s a HUGE FUCKING LIAR because a terrifying mime pops out from behind a curtain and I literally jerked back in my chair. There’s nothing I hate more than a mime. Except for maybe a clown. Terrifying mime (TM, for short) takes the men through their paces, teaching them all the classics: trapped in a box, trapped in a smaller box, walk like a penguin. The men and TM take their talents to the streets, performing for the people of Marseille. It’s ridiculous and I wish I could un-see like 97% of it. The locals look unimpressed, though that may be a default facial expression for the French. Marquel stands out with his many facial expressions while JJ mimes their first date (clever!). Nick is the sour puss of the bunch. He’s all frowns and crossed arms. Andi mimes “let’s start drinking” and blessedly this whole creepy silent charade has come to an end.

Brian receives his solo date card at the hotel, and it’s food-themed (“I’ve got the recipe for love”). Oh god I want to watch them eat everything. Side note: I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.

Later that evening, Andi and her man harem gather and she’s quickly pulled aside by JJ who takes her for a ride on a ferris wheel. Nice job, JJ!

The other men are sitting around drinking and waiting for Andi to return and things start to get a little tense. Cody comments that Nick seems a bit over-confident and mostly invisible Patrick echoes the sentiment. When Cody asks Nick if he thinks he’s the frontrunner, he says yes. Andi arrives and immediately senses the tension, so she whisks Chris away and he spills the beans on the situation back inside.

Cody is getting heated and ‘all up in Nick’s face’, and when he sits down with Andi he tells her how “thankful” is to be around. He tells Andi that Nick had been giving him a hard time for referring to himself as “thankful” and Andi decides it’s time to go to the source of the drama.

“I had fun today,” Nick starts. “You seem salty on group dates,” Andi laments. “Those are the only few minutes I get to spend with you during the day.” She adds that it’s hard to watch Nick on group dates. Time to buck up, bro. “I think Cody was mad at me,” Nick admits. “I think he thought I was disrespecting him.” He’s apologized, but Andi feels like he’s downplaying it. “Am I being fooled by Nick?” her voiceover comments. Nick turns things around though with a poem. Vomit. Her face is all “this is great” but she comments that “things got complicated with Nick tonight.” Hmm. Marcus does better, and they make out forever

Back inside, Marquel confronts Andrew about his comments. Andrew swears he never made a comment of that nature. “Whatever you’ve been told is complete bullshit!” Andrew says/lies(?). Whether or not Marquel believes him, he remains composed and classy and walks away after. If I wasn’t already in love with Marquel, I would be now.

My jaw hits the floor when Andrew tells Andi he’s “been attacked” today. He doesn’t get into details but it all leaves me with a sick feeling in my stomach. Luckily, he doesn’t receive the date rose, which ultimately goes to JJ.

The next day Brian gets his first solo date with Andi. Cody is bummed that he’s not on the date because he’s a “total foodie.” Are we calling steroids food now? The cute couple stroll hand-in-hand through the streets of Marseille. They wind up at a private movie theatre and curl up to watch The Hundred-Foot Journey. Afterwards it’s time to hit the market and pick up some ingredients to make dinner with. It’s all cute when it’s time to shop (except when they eat sea urchin which is literally a recurring nightmare of mine), but once things move to the kitchen Brian fails to heat things up. Conversation is lacking, to say the least. Andi feels like she’s on a date with a completely different guy than she spent the day watching a movie with. “The movie made cooking look so romantic,” moans Andi. “This is not romantic.” Where’s the “aggressive, macho” Brian who pulled her onto a basketball court a few weeks ago to steal a kiss on a group date?

The food turns out to be as disappointing as the chemistry, but after they head out to grab a better dinner nearby things start to warm up a bit between Andi and Brian. He keeps starting his sentences with “man,” but Brian charms Andi nonetheless. He’s kind of shy and not great at making the first move. “I’m a coach..I strategize,” he sputters. He goes in for a kiss and Andi is impressed enough to give him the date rose, despite the earlier awkwardness of their date. Later they make out some more in the restaurant’s kitchen, which I’m pretty sure is against some health code but who cares they’re cute and this is France.

Andi opts to forgo the traditional pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party, as she is 100% confident in the three (!) men she is sending home tonight on the sad sack flight back to the US. Those men turn out to be Marquel (bummed – and how cute is his comment that meeting Andi made him “believe in love again”), Andrew (finally – and I want to punch a million faces when he claims he’s been “bullied”) and Patrick (not at all surprised – I would’ve liked to see him go on at least one real date with Andi). I’m shocked Andi would send home a personality like Marquel but keep total yawn faces Dylan, Chris and Cody around (ok so Cody isn’t boring, but still). Though all three are sweet, they appear to have zero chemistry with our Bachelorette.

Marquel, I’m here. Just sayin.’

Until next week!

*I titled the double episodes from two weeks back Week Three parts 1 and 2, and I’m calling this Week 5, but rest assured you didn’t miss a recap.

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