The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Three (Part 1)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three (part 1) of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Sunday, June 1, 2014).

It’s a double dose of Bachelorette this week, with a bonus episode airing on Sunday. Let’s jump right in y’all. We start off in Santa Barbara, with Andi inhaling the fresh air on the balcony of her suite at the Bacara Resort & Spa.

Host Chris Harrison appears at the bro pad to deliver the first solo date card, and it goes to cutie Nick. “Let’s ride off into the sunset.” Nick joins Andi in Santa Barbara where they ride bikes near the beach and Nick lets us know he’s “not desperate for love.” All pretty textbook first date Bachelorette stuff.

The dudes are wondering if Andi would maybe send a guy home during a one-on-one date. Um, Nick got the first impression rose, lads. I don’t think he’s going anywhere. The men aren’t sure if Nick’s down with the whole Bachelorette process.

Back on their date, Andi and Nick are embarking on a hike. Nick admits that it’s easy to be “skeptical” and confesses that he feels like a 12-year-old boy around Andi. So…constant erections and voice cracking? He hopes she finds it endearing, and apparently she does!

Over dinner, Andi asks Nick why he’s single. “GOD I LOVE THAT QUESTION!!!” – said no one, ever. He admits to having been engaged “for like a minute” and before that he was in a seven year relationship with a high school sweetheart. Nick receives the date rose, obvi. They head out to the rooftop/clock tower of a restaurant to make out. Andi says kissing Nick is “amazing” and makes her feel “giddy and romantic.” The only adjective that came to mind for me was “suctiony.” I’m making it a word.

When the group date card arrives for Andi’s man harem, it’s for Brian, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brett, Ron, Bradley, Josh, Eric, Andrew, Patrick, and Marcus. They arrive at the Music Academy of the West and are greeted by HOLYSHIT it’s Boyz II Men!! They wear sunglasses indoors you guys! Like bosses! It turns out that Eric touched his “first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love To You’ in 7th grade.” I feel weird that I keep bringing it up but I swear my stomach lurches every time Eric appears on screen, as he passed away in April. Predictably (you know, because they’re not professional singers except Bradley who I can’t stand) they all suck, but Wanya  of Boyz II Men actually tells Andi she sucks too (!) so it’s a pretty even playing field. God I hope Bradley goes home tonight. He feels like a total spare.

Andi announces that they will be singing ‘I’ll Make Love To You’ at an actual Boyz II Men concert that night and only Bradley seems excited because he’s sung to “thousands of people”. How many refunds were demanded Bradley. HOW MANY REFUNDS? God he’s boring. Like human fro-yo.

Marquel (HI HANDSOME!) is super pumped to sing with the group and Cody is spazzing out (but it’s kind of cute when he leans over to whisper to Andi that “whatever happens this is an awesome experience.”) The Bachelors make their way through the crowd to the stage and Bradley (ugh) takes the lead on the song, announcing that they dedicate it to “love and intimacy.” Eric is adorable, and even busts out some rather suggestive dance moves. Their performance is equally as horrible and adorable as you would think. Josh jokes that his singing may have taken the rose away from him. Ha. Doubt it bro. As long as nothing happens to your face, I think you’re sticking around for awhile.

Later that evening Andi and her choir enjoy cocktails and conversation. She first pulls Cody aside and tells him that she’s heard chatter about Cody having a girlfriend. Cody looks stunned, and tells Andi that he’s been single for 3 1/2 years and Andi adds that she heard the girlfriend is a stripper but it’s all just jokes. Nice punk, Andi.

The next solo date card arrives back at the hotel and it’s for loveable ‘pantsapreneur’ JJ.

Back on the group date, Marcus is struggling with jealousy issues watching Andi hang out with the other dudes, and when Marquel asks Andi what her favourite colour is she answers “is black a colour?” and I literally clap. Marcus tells Andi that she’s the first girl he’s had feelings for in a long time and he goes in for their first kiss (“it’s about time!” she says). He’s confident he’ll be receiving the group date rose. Not so fast Marcus. Andi’s spending some time with Josh and she’s a smitten kitten. He plays the whole “you make me nervous” card (again) and is rewarded by a rather long makeout session. “I like you a lot,” Josh murmurs into her mouth. He’s rewarded for his efforts by receiving the group date rose. Which I guess tonight is actually the ‘Best Kisser Rose.’

The next day Andi heads out on her one-on-one date with JJ. They get to “grow old together”, literally, with makeup, wigs and wardrobe. They don’t get to see each other’s transformation until both are complete, but JJ is convinced that Andi will be a hot older woman. When they do finally see each other the results are hilarious. JJ looks like “a creepy old man” and Andi looks like, well, like Andi but with sun spots.

OldAndi_and_JJ

They venture out in old people disguise to a place where actual old people congregate: a pond. They approach strangers to take their photo and maintain the ruse, walking all hunched over and speaking in voices barely above a whisper. They even ride scooters! They maintain their shenanigans in the park, with Andi riding on JJ’s shoulders while he high fives the locals. They share their first kiss on a tire swing, much to the horror of the children playing nearby. That’s literally the last thing young kids want to see. They chitchat on a bench while sucking on hard candies, and wrap up the day part of their date with a ride on a carousel.

Meanwhile, Ron receives some bad news from home (the death of a friend) and decides to leave the show after bro hugs all around. Dylan (probs my LEAST favourite of all the dudes left  in the house) seems to take this turn of events particularly to heart. He chats with Chris about losing his sister to drugs four years prior, and then his brother got deeper into drugs and he died too. Whoa. He wants to share this with Andi but says he’d “rather tell her on a one-on-one, not in a five-minute conversation.” So this probably means he’ll get a one-on-one date next week.

Andi and JJ reunite as their young, hot selves for dinner and JJ thanks Andi for picking him for this particularly “quirky” date. While Andi gulps down some wine, JJ admits to “feeling different” and being that “nerdy kid.” He’s worried he won’t find a girl like Andi who would fully accept him. Awwww! “I feel a level of comfort around you,” JJ admits, and Andi reassures him that it was his uniqueness that drew her to him in the first place. JJ reveals that in his last relationship things got weirdly competitive, and he wants a mate who he shares interests with but have lives that complement rather than compete. He accepts the date rose happily.

The next night at the pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party, Andi gets emotional addressing Ron’s departure. She breaks away with Eric for a private chat but they are interrupted by a flower delivery from Nick. Clever boy, Nick. Eric immediately confesses that the flowers aren’t from him. She reads the card with a HUGE grin on her face. Eric admits he was “cockblocked by a bouquet of flowers.” Haha. No more gentleman’s agreement!

The note from Nick left Andi giddy, so she grabs her flowers and they head outside. “I just wanted to make this whole unnatural experience…natural,” Nick says.

While this is going down, JJ and Josh are outside and it’s revealed that Andrew had asked a hostess for her phone number during a recent dudes-only meal outing and bragged about it to the other men. They decide to confront Andrew, whose face clearly reads as ‘BUSTED’. “I’m not going to engage in this, I’m sorry,” Andrew responds, and then walks away while Josh and JJ call after him. JJ literally chases him into the house and tells him to “man the fuck up.” Andrew storms into his room and basically barricades himself in there. His opinion is that he’s being “attacked” because he’s “a threat.” He finally retreats to face the firing squad in the kitchen, where, playing the victim, Andrew says he was “handed a phone number..and that’s it.” JJ insists he bragged about scoring some chick’s digits later, but Andrew vehemently denies doing so. Pants on fire, Andrew. Pants on fire. And JJ should know, because he’s a pantsapreneur. Josh also gets pretty heated, and off-camera Andrew refers to Josh and JJ as “low-lifes.”

Marcus gets Andi alone and manages to stop kissing her for just long enough to hand her a note, and then she returns to start the rose ceremony. After the last rose is handed out, the men going home are Bradley (thanks god) and Brett (see ya, mullet!). No surprises there, but I would’ve liked to see more of Brett and less of Dylan. Heading off to the sad sack limo, Brett worries that he was “too shy” and Bradley tears up because he wants love so badly.

There’s another episode tonight, and I’m guessing this Andrew stuff will blow up. I’ll be back here tomorrow with a full recap.

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