The Bachelorette (Andi) – Week Two

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week two of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 26, 2014).

We kick off week two with host Chris Harrison addressing Andi’s Penis Parade and breaking down the dates for the week: one group date and two one-on-one dates. The first solo date card goes to Eric, who as we know passed away shortly after leaving the Bachelorette house. He’s all earnest smiles and perfect white teeth.

Guys, I think this season’s drinking game has become clear. Crys-tal. Drink whenever Andi says “y’all.” You’ll be pleasantly buzzed by the first commercial break.

Andi drives Eric to the beach. They strip down and start building sand castles in the sand (that one’s for you, HIMYM lovers!), make sand angels (is that a thing?), fly kites, and Eric even does a back flip (impressive). A helicopter lands on the beach and the cute couple climb aboard and end up at Bear Mountain – sand to snow. Eric’s voiceover says “I travel all over the place and there’s so many times that I wish there was somebody by my side who I could see potential with, and here she is.” Ouch my heart. Ouch.

Andi and Eric frolic in the snow for a bit (put on some shoes you guys!) and then get kitted up in snowpants and helmets to take a snowboarding lesson. This is clearly not Eric’s first rodeo, so to speak, but Andi definitely struggles (adorably) with the lesson. “Bring on the moguls,” she jokes. Eric is the perfect date and loves watching Andi learn. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now,” he sound bites. “He’s good at everything,” Andi quips. Oh god I don’t know if I could watch this if I were Eric’s family. But at the same time maybe they’d want to see him having a great time? I don’t know. It’s just so sad because he’s clearly an awesome, sweet, intelligent guy.

Their picture perfect and “epic” date ends with dinner in a cabin. Andi calls Eric a “Renaissance Man” and he tells her he got his “travel bug” from his dad. She asks about Syria and he tells her that he was in the country as a journalist and was confronted by two militants and was advised by his guide (whom he refers to as a “fixer”) to text his parents to say goodbye. Fuck. Some quick thinking on Eric’s part (he told the militants he was taking photographs to show that in the midst of conflict the Syrian people were still happy people) resolved the situation. Andi asks if he would still put himself in potential danger if he had a wife and kids. Eric responds that there are a number of things he wouldn’t do again if he had children.

Back at the Penis Pad, a group date card arrives for Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Craig, Brett, Patrick, Cody, Carl, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S., and Dylan.

Back on their date, Eric is counting siblings and their soccer team-sized offspring. He’s got marriage on the brain and he gets one step closer to love on his journey with Andi, because she calls him a “gentleman” and gives him the date rose. Eric toasts Andi saying it’s “the best first date” he’s ever had.

It’s group date day and drunk face Craig is hoping that Andi loves him because he loves her. Guys, I’m not even joking. He says that. The group head into some nightclub and are greeted by a group of male exotic dancers. The men are then introduced to Scott, who’s into poorly fitting suit jackets but allergic to shirts. Scott tells the crew that they are going to be “exposed” to the fine “art” of male exotic dancing. But guys it’s for charity (Bachelor Gives Back), so it’s cool.

The men get on stage and start free-styling, showing off their dance skills for Andi. Marcus and Tasos are standouts. Teacher Scott puts on some smart people glasses (which I bet are fake) and somehow manages to look even more like a career stripper.

 

Scott the stripper coach

Scott the stripper coach

The men are divided into firefighters (actual fireman Carl ends up in this group), army bros, and cowboys as well as a few solo acts. Andi is sweatin’ hard for Marcus today (who’s solo act is a pilot) and it appears Craig is sweatin’ for “stud” Josh. Nick S. has one of the solos – and is dressed up as a robot. Cody lets us know that his bulging biceps are for charity but his washboard abs are for Andi. I don’t know who or what his face is for.

Back inside, the men are getting spray tanned and greased up. Oh and Craig is stuffing his briefs, but not too much because he doesn’t want to give Andi ‘false hope’.

Andi’s pals Sharlene and Kelly from Juan Pablo’s season join our Bachelorette to witness the semi-nude shenanigans. Lusty random ladies in the audience are shoving dollar bills into pants and g-strings like it’s their job. Ok Craig, Josh isn’t the one you’re trying to impress here, so don’t be self conscious about dancing next to him and his perfect bod. Is it possible Craig’s on the wrong dating show?

Porn robot Nick. S. shows the ladies too much (I’m guessing taint) and fireman Patrick shines. The sexy soldiers make their stage debut but Andi is just waiting for Marcus “The Aviator” to dance. Marcus kills it and finishes his routine with a sexy salute. “Some of them look like they have worked it before,” Andi muses. I’d take that bet.

Going into the evening portion of her first group date, Andi is ready to start getting serious with the members of her man harem. Craig wants to get the traditional group toast over with so he can get started on the drinking portion of the evening, and Brian quickly pulls Andi aside for a private chat. Teacher Brian stood out to me during week one and when I mistakenly thought he got sent home during the first rose ceremony I was bummed. It wasn’t until I re-watched the episode the next day that I realized my mistake and I’m glad he makes an impression on Andi early on in the night. He’s kinda shy and gets easily flushed but he’s sweet as fuck and really passionate about his teacher gig.

Former pro baseball player Josh wants to make sure Andi doesn’t just see him as a jock. He tells her that she’s his girl. She seems pretty into him, and has been since week one. It’s clear that Andi liked hearing that he’s not just the stereotypical athlete guy.

Meanwhile, “overbearing personality” Craig just keeps on drinking and the other dudes are over it. “This is about to get real…stupid” he announces. Oh lord.

Back at the house, the next one-on-one date card arrives for farm boy Chris.

Continuing her group date evening, Andi gets serenaded by opera singer Bradley (yawn). Also, why do I always first spell ‘opera’ as ‘Oprah’??!! True story. Boozehound Craig hunts Andi down and joins her on a couch all red-faced and sweaty. Andi lies that Craig is her favourite and he asks her “what’s your worst thing about your parents..boom.”

Brett approaches and tries to save Andi from Craig’s drunk clutches, and he eventually wanders off and jumps into the pool, thus continuing his path of self-destruction. Ron and Andi view Craig’s antics from the balcony, and come downstairs to get a closer look. The other dudes are trying to get water into Craig’s mouth and clothes on his body, but it’s too late and it’s put a big damper on the night. His shenanigans make Andi doubt the whole process – are they even taking it seriously? She addresses the dudes about this and says y’all three times.

DRINK.

DRINK.

DRINK.

She notices Marcus “in the background” and goes to chat with him. He gets the date rose because he “handled his role with a lot of confidence and a lot of humility,” whatever that means.

The next day Andi meets Chris at the horse track for their date, looking stunning in a green dress with a complicated fancy person hairdo. Chris changes into a sharp suit. They check out the horses in competition and stroll arm-in-arm through the stands. They sip on mint juleps and enjoy the races, making the acquaintance of the world’s cutest older couple, married for 55 years. The man (wearing a bow-tie – I die!) tells them they make a great looking couple. Somewhere a Bachelor producer is making a mental note: let’s get more cute old people on the show.

So Chris is alright and everything but I’m not really feelin’ it, you know? A little bland maybe? But very sweet. He confesses to being engaged in college and Andi looks momentarily startled, but Chris turns it around by saying he was hoping for Andi as The Bachelorette when he signed up. He gets the date rose for being “open and honest.” They share their first kiss (and the first kiss of the season!) while dancing under the stars and being serenaded by the band This Wild Life.

It’s pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party and judgment time y’all! Her date with Chris has left Andi feeling positive again that the men are here to fall in love, and not just party. Nick V., who received the first impression rose during week one, presents Andi with a homemade date card and they have a mini date where they discuss family and looking for love. Andi feels they are “very aligned” in terms of what they’re looking for.

Power clasher and all around panty dropper Marquel questions Andi on whether she feels her true love is in the bunch. There is a cute flirty vibe with those two. JJ is looking for a mate who can crack jokes well into their senior years, and a “rambling” Josh confesses he was so smitten when he met Andi that his mind went “blank” (though I doubt it was an unprecedented event). Andi’s clearly into rambling former baseball players because they make out for a bit in the garden. Kiss count: 2.

“Drunk idiot” Craig asks to speak to Andi privately, and he’s apparently been ‘scared shitless’ and wants to make things right with her. His apology to Andi comes in the form of a cringe-worthy song-and-guitar routine that ends with a wail of “pleeeeeease let me stay.” We’ll find out soon if it works. Hope not.

At the ceremony, those left without a lapel rose and therefore heading home in the sad sack limo are: firefighter Carl (who got hotter to me when I noticed his full sleeve tattoos and also because he wore glasses to the ceremony), robot stripper and taint displayer Nick S. and the aforementioned drunk faced Craig. Andi whispers to Craig that she just “couldn’t get past” his drunken antics.

“Thank y’all for a great first week of dating…I thank y’all for being here,” she concludes.

DRUNK YET?

So that’s week two folks! See you back here soon. There’s two episodes next week, including a bonus Sunday episode.

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