Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week one of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, May 19, 2014).
Time to bust out the boxed wine and cheesy snacks and settle in for a summer of drama, tears, and over-the-top dates. That’s right friends: The Bachelorette is back. It’s been just over two months since complete douche nozzle Juan Pablo chose pediatric nurse Nikki to be his girlfriend-who-he’s-not-in-love-with. Juan Pablo went from being the fantasy of every cougar in North America to the most hated man on TV. But “eees ok,” because second runner up Andi Dorfman is the new Bachelorette! She’s smart and sassy and dumped JP’s ass cold, so we know she has good taste!
The episode starts off with host Chris Harrison addressing the tragic passing of Eric Hill, a contestant on Andi’s season who died in a paragliding accident shortly after leaving the show. Chris dedicates this season to Eric, and when they flash 1982 – 2014 across the screen my stomach is in my throat. We’re the same age. His poor family. So so sad.
Let’s meet Andi, a 26-year-old assistant district attorney hailing from Atlanta. Andi sits on park benches and thinks about finding true love. She kicks butt in the courtroom and spends a lot of time with her parents. She likes trying on silly hats and lipgloss and posing in front of fake books with a rose. She’s into long walks on the beach (which appears to be a Bachelorette prerequisite) and cute hoodies. “It’s my time to fall in love!” she announces.
So let’s get started.
Andi arrives at the house to meet Chris Harrison who looks thrilled to be over and done with Juan Pablo. Her sister is also there, to help her get ready for her first night. They talk about booting off bad kissers and then Andi tries on a bunch of dresses, settling on a bejewelled flesh-coloured number.
And with a “let the journey begin” from Chris Harrison, it’s time to meet the Penis Parade!
Nervous Marcus is the first out of the limo. He has a lot to give and offer…“God willing, forever.” Whoa. Pump the brakes Marcus. Chris is out next. He’s fairly generic. Giddy JJ is next, wearing a jaunty bow-tie. I like, I like. Marquel is a total panty dropper who brings his “A-Game” and perfect teeth, and Tasos wears better jewellery than I do and does a whole ‘Lovers Bridge’ in Paris thing that involves him and Andi adding a lock to a fence nearby. Cody shows off his personal training skills by pushing the limo up the path (barf). Steven brings boy band hair and youthful exuberance to his limo arrival (Andi seems underwhelmed). Rudie and his Donny Osmond teeth creep the crap out of me but he’s also an attorney so they have that in common. And he’s kinda crafty. Carl is cute but forgettable. Jason is a doctor. My diagnosis? No chemistry. Nick V. impresses Andi with his polka dot tie, and he wears the shit out of a suit. Dylan initially refuses to hug Andi, claiming he requires “personal space” and admitting that his nerves have rendered him idiotic. He does eventually hug her. Patrick’s gimmick is a soccer ball, and Andi jokingly bemoans “another soccer player.” But alas, it’s just a joke. He plays soccer, but he’s nothing like Juan Pablo so let’s forget about him! Emil brings hyper masculinity and a fantastic beard but then he compares his name to “anal” so I stop listening.
Brett arrives sporting a quasi-mullet and a lamp nicked from his hotel room, stating that “my mother always told me: never greet a lady empty-handed.” Champagne sprayer Craig arrives to wet the walkway. He has drunk face but he’s a hugger so that’s a plus. Ron is charming and adorable and clearly smitten with Andi. Opera singer Bradley falls flat (music pun!) to me, Josh B. is cute and I could see him being a dark horse, and Nick S. is all big personality and manicured facial hair. His hair line may be receding but he’s charming as fuck. Brian is wowed by Andi’s beauty and flushed with excitement. When Andrew exits the limo I let out a slow and low whistle. Me-ow. He thinks “Andi and Andrew” has a nice ring to it and I think I’d like to touch mouths with him for like a month. Mike looks like an ugly Hemsworth brother. Deceased Eric is so heartbreakingly cute you guys. He’s all perfect teeth and sparkly eyes and he presents Andi with two dolls from Peru for “his girlfriend.” Ouch ouch ouch. Last, Josh M. is classically handsome and well-spoken.
Before heading inside, Chris tells Andi she will be giving out a first impression rose tonight. Who will it be? My guess is Eric, Andrew or Josh M.
Upon entering the living room of lust and kicky ties, a helpful fella immediately hands her a glass of champagne and Andi looks around at her man harem in glee and excitement. It’s a good bunch, y’all! She’s pretty convinced that the love of her life is in her midst.
Josh M. is totally Andi’s type and they have a cute chat, but Marquel brings cookies (including a black and white cookie – booyah!), so I love him. Eric talks about his love of sky diving and base jumping and his traveling and you guys I honestly think I might barf. I wonder if his family is watching this or if it would be too hard.
Chris Harrison pops in with the first impression rose just to make the dudes nervous, apparently. But something is amiss outside. It turns out to be former Bachelorette (from Emily’s season) and Bachelor Pad contestant Chris Bukowski. If you don’t recall, Bukowski was a frontrunner on Emily’s season but after she sent him home his sad sack state manifested itself into complete ass clownery. Then went on Bachelor Pad and began revenge fucking half the house. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but he really did turn into/reveal himself to be a total dickbag.
Bukowski is insistent the he be able to speak to Andi and host Chris Harrison, while security is all up in his shit (understandably). Meanwhile, Andi is marvelling over JJ’s ugly pants (the first pair he ever made), putting with Nick S., and talking travel with Tasos (who’s growing on me). Nick V. and Andi have an instant attraction while chatting about family. Andrew and Patrick embark on a bromance over a shared passion for car racing, sick suits, and a joint belief that they are on a “different level” than the other men.
Outside, party crasher Chris Bukowski is attempting to win over the security guard by talking about flowers. Chris Harrison advises Andi of Bukowski’s arrival, and she ultimately decides that allowing him into the house would be unfair to the other men. He leaves to break the bad news to Chris who admits he flew out to LA days ago and has been stalking production to try and meet Andi. “I’m not leaving, just to let you know that,” pouts Chris. Host Chris Harrison lays down the law, saying “the only thing that happens from here is it gets bad.” Bukowski reluctantly skulks away, tail between his legs, but tells the crew to deliver his flower to Andi anyways.
Back inside, the men are all vying hard for that first impression rose and to just generally stick around past the first night! Farmer Chris is still nervous as hell and Andi thinks “worldly” Marcus is hothothot. Ultimately though, the first impression rose goes to family boy and all around sweetie Nick V. who says “I’d say you made my day but it’s tomorrow morning.” Aww.
At the rose ceremony, Andi thanks the men profusely for joining her on her love journey. In the end, the men sent home are Rudie (peace out Osmond!), Emil, Josh. B. (who seems gutted…to not be able to keep partying with the other dudes), Steven (no surprise here), Mike (predictable) and Jason (the Doctor is OUT).
So that’s week 1 on Andi’s journey to engagement. I’ll be back next week. Hit me up in the comments with your thoughts in this episode!