It’s the Women Tell All special from the “most controversial” season of The Bachelor, ever! Apparently. But before we jump into all that, The Bachelor producers want to remind you that sometimes this fucked up show actually ‘works’. Time to trot out Sean Lowe – and his wife of, like, three weeks – Catherine. They’re refreshed from their honeymoon of non-stop banging in Bora Bora, and I am rooting for these two. I really am. They’ve stayed together despite the shitstorm of crazy that is The Bachelor/Bachelorette world, and they waited until their wedding night to have sex. They’re back in Dallas and talking about starting a family.
Time for the ladies. Oh good, Kelly brought her dog Molly. And ‘free spirit’ Lucy is waving her arms around like SUCH a free spirit. Host Chris Harrison brings up first impressions. Kat thought Juan Pablo was even more handsome in person than what we had seen on Desiree’s season, and according to Kelly, dog Molly wasn’t a fan from the start! Since it’s not exactly a secret that Juan Pablo isn’t anyone’s favourite bachelor (there were those homophobic comments and then slut shaming Clare and oh yeah Andi sorta made it sound last week like he’s a self-centered douchenozzle), Bachelor producers want to remind you why they picked him in the first place: he looks amazing without a shirt on.
We’re treated to a video montage of JP’s sexiest moments from the season, and then the women chime in on how physical attraction just ain’t enough. Danielle states that her conversations with El Bachelor were very “surface level” and there are quite a few agreeing nods. Single mom Renee says her experience was a bit different, because a lot of their conversations revolved around their children and their experiences as single parents. Cassandra – the 22 year old single mom – had the same experience but she spins it more as a negative, that their children were really the only thing they talked about. There’s a weird moment between Lauren and Kelly, where Lauren describes JP as seeming “checked out” and Kelly claims that during her time in the house Lauren actually seemed SUPER into Juan and maybe this is all sour grapes on her end. Andi feels that Juan Pablo did want to find someone, but “his version of what he was trying to find was different than ours.” Chris Harrison points out that even though it’s only been about 10 minutes, it’s clear that this Women Tell All is going to be different than the ones we’ve seen before.
‘Dog lover’ Kelly seems hell bent on being heard, and while she seemed mostly ambivalent about Juan during her time on the show, she’s got a LOT of opinions now. Kelly calls out El Bachelor for using his daughter as an excuse to not get intimate with some of the women, instead of just saying ‘hey, the chemistry isn’t there.’ Chris is offended by this and tells Kelly she “should be very careful” accusing someone of using their child as an excuse. He solicits Renee’s opinion on the whole thing. Renee and Juan Pablo didn’t kiss as early as she would have liked, and JP joked that he didn’t want her son Ben to beat him up if he saw his mom kissing some random on TV. Kat was a bit put off by JP referring to single moms Cassandra and Renee as his “special ones”, and Cassandra felt perhaps disrespected by the fact that Juan made a big deal about the single moms and held off on kissing Renee, while he had no prob locking lips with Cass on their first date. Chris Harrison theorizes that perhaps Juan was torn between being a single dad and being a horny assclown (not his exact words).
The conversation quickly moves on to Clare and JP’s ocean dalliance, and Andi and Kat – who were sharing a room with Clare that night – claim they had no idea any of that had gone down until the episode aired. “He seemed to put that shame on Clare. Did he handle that situation in Vietnam correctly?” Chris asks. The answer is a resounding ‘no’. Sharleen pipes up that, if anything, Juan Pablo is more to blame than Clare for the whole situation.
Sharleen joins Chris on the stage for an in-depth chat about her decision to leave the show. “You are the most intriguing person we’ve had,” Chris tells her. “Yeah, but honestly I was honest the entire time and I think that in real life when you’re dating you’re not necessarily 100% either way,” Sharleen states. We’re treated to a recap of Sharleen and Juan Pablo’s romantic ‘journey,’ and Sharleen remembers feeling that he just wasn’t the one for her. “You were attracted to this man…something changed.” “I think every woman has probably had a relationship like that, says Sharleen. “Because you have that physical connection you’re trying to piece together the rest of it to justify that physical connection.” Interestingly though, Sharleen adds that she found her conversations with Juan Pablo to have a bit more substance to them. I felt that around Sharleen, JP seemed smarter and marginally more interesting. Maybe he was trying to keep up with her or maybe he is actually super intelligent and inquisitive and only Sharleen brought out that side in him? “I found him very curious. He wanted to know about me and other people and other lifestyles and about my experiences.” Chris asks Sharleen if she was surprised after watching the show to find out she was JP’s “favourite” early on, and she maintains that she was surprised and had no idea Juan pablo felt that way about her. Apparently this was only news to Sharleen, because the other ladies willingly admit that they all knew JP had a special thing for the Canadian opera singer. “He was so intrigued by her,” Andi offers. In the end, Sharleen says “I regret some things I said but I don’t regret leaving.”
Next in the hot seat is “fan favourite” single mom Renee who is apparently engaged?? I have commented a few times on this blog that Renee was everyone’s best friend on the show. She was often shown comforting the other women, even encouraging them to pursue their relationships with JP. She even tried to talk Sharleen out of leaving. All class. I was super bummed when El Bachelor sent her home. After their video recap, Renee does admit she wishes she would have told JP that she was in love with him before being sent home (though there wasn’t a time when she felt it was the perfect moment to do so), but that she doesn’t think it would have made a difference. “I don’t think it would have changed the way he felt about me,” Renee confesses. She is a bit sore about JP making out with Clare like 5 seconds after telling her he didn’t want to make out with everyone because of his daughter. All in all, the always lovely Renee doesn’t regret her Bachelor experience and is super happy now and in “a situation.”
And now the woman we’ve all been waiting to hear from: Andi. Andi rather abruptly left The Bachelor during last week’s episode after an apparently nightmarish experience in the Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo. Andi and host Chris Harrison don’t beat around the bush. What happened in the Fantasy Suite? Heading into it, Andi felt like she could “fall in love with him.” Coming out? Not so much. “When the doors closed and everyone left it was fine for a little while….it was nice to be away from the cameras…we definitely had some fun times. And then everything was about his soccer and travelling and who he knew…there was a lot of negativity.” Andi felt that Juan Pablo wasn’t “grateful for the opportunity that he had.” She adds: “I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor.” Snickers from the audience. There was allegedly a comment that Andi had barely beaten out Renee and that rubbed Andi the wrong way, which is totally fair. She also didn’t appreciate Juan’s mention of having been on an overnight date with Clare the night before. Obviously Andi knew that JP and Clare had likely opted to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite, but she didn’t feel he needed to bring it up during their date. Totally fair! So after hours of this chatting and apparent negativity, Andi did what she thought was best: she faked going to sleep. Ha. The promo for this episode totally made it sound like they had sex and it was terrible so she just laid there and waited for it to be over. “The things he said were entirely inappropriate and rude, but he wasn’t mean to me,” Andi clarifies. “There’s no filter there.” Andi is both anxious and nervous to see JP again. Well honey, you’ve got about the length of a commercial break, probably for tampons or a dating website.
Out comes El Bachelor Juan Pablo. Just me or do him and Chris Harrison not seem as chummy as Chris usually is with the Bachelors? Chris and Sean Lowe practically bro’d down on a weekly basis. Chris has been mostly absent this season. After a pointed shout out of “Hi Andi!” Juan says he wouldn’t change a thing about his time as El Bachelor. “At the end of the day, you have to be very realistic, very mature and very honest in this situation and I’ve been honest since day one…sometimes that happens to seem a little rude.” JP would rather be “honest” and risk hurting someone’s feelings. He reiterates that he has no regrets. When Chris invites the women to comment, the first person to speak up is Lauren, who wishes that Juan had been more upfront with her instead of possibly using his daughter Camila as an excuse not to make out (but again, as the women keep pointing out, he had no issue locking lips with Clare the entire time). At this point, Juan Pablo mentions a ‘deleted scene’, which was Renee telling him about how crushed her son Ben was after a break-up because he had become attached to the dude. That’s why he was so slow with Renee, JP claims. Cassandra doesn’t like that Juan Pablo went on a hometown date with Renee and met her son if he wasn’t going to keep her around past then. To be fair, maybe Juan Pablo thought Renee would be there to the end. JP holds his ground on this one. He introduces his daughter to women on first dates, but says he introduces the women as ‘friends.’ He’s weirdly good at defending himself in a way where – with the exception of slut shaming Clare – I end up siding with him after every confrontation. Oh my god is Juan Pablo a wizard?
Alli pipes in and says she was tired of hearing Juan Pablo use the word “fair,” (as in, he wasn’t hooking up more in order to be ‘fair’) and Andi backs him up on treating Renee and Cassandra as his ‘special ones’ given their single mom status…but that doesn’t mean he didn’t make any mistakes. “I have parts that I’m going to defend him for. …there’s things that I liked and there’s things that I still don’t like about it.” “It’s ok,” teases Juan Pablo, using Andi’s most hated phrase of all time. Ha.
Continuing with Andi, she feels that JP wasn’t really looking for a wife. She wishes that he would have tried a bit harder to get to know the woman on a more personal level. On this point, Sharleen comes to Juan Pablo’s defense (because he actually gave a shit about her). Lucy picks this moment to chime in and say “everyone here wanted to be treated like we were in an individual, unique relationship with you,” which gets applause from the audience. Kelly then jumps in and brings up the anti-gay comments Juan made regarding a hypothetical gay Bachelor. “That situation was taken out of context,” Juan Pablo states firmly. Barely seen Victoria (she’s the one who got trashed and was asked to leave by JP, right?) jumps in here and shouts at JP to stop using the fact that English isn’t his first language as an excuse for any miscommunication. He offers to chat about it backstage and claims that he’s not homophobic and that he’s “still dealing with it.” Sharleen again defends Juan Pablo on this, and says she found him to be very open-minded.
To lighten the mood, we are next treated to a blooper reel, including Cass and JP stranded on the water, JP referring to “me and my little package,” Renee almost being knocked unconscious by a set light, a bunch of shit falling down, some awkward dancing, and all of Juan’s “it’s ok” moments, capped off with Andi basically saying that if she hears the phrase one more time she will murder the shit out of him.
So to wrap it up, we still have two women left vying for Juan Pablo’s heart and a Neil Lane engagement ring: “polar opposites” Nikki and Clare. Kat thinks it’s “anyone’s game,” while Kelly and Sharleen are Team Nikki.
Until next week – finale week!