Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 10, 2014).
El Bachelor Juan Pablo and his dwindling harem are in Taupo, New Zealand this week and holy shitsnacks is it ever beautiful. Clare is haunted by the ‘dark cloud’ that remains after last week’s ocean dalliance between her and Juan Pablo. Basically, they hooked up and then JP kinda slut shamed her over it but in a nice way (?). The first solo date card goes to Andi (yay – finally!) and the women are all really supportive about it. Everyone’s best friend Renee is comforting fellow single mom Cassandra who hasn’t dated in forever y’all (she’s like 21). Cassandra is a tad distraught and is missing her young son back home. We’ve not seen a lot of Cassandra since week three which either means that the focus on her so early in this episode is an indication that she’s gonzo soon or that she’s final 3 material.
In the midst of “bubbling” emotions and high tensions, Assistant District Attorney Andi and Juan Pablo venture out on their first real date. Andi’s hoping for a “breakthrough” in their relationship. Their date starts off on a speedboat that steers them to a place called ‘the squeeze’ and JP is uber excited about it, rubbing his hands together in sheer joy and excitement. Dude, you’ve already seen Andi in a bathing suit. Take it down a notch. JP and Andi wade through tunnels between caves and it certainly is a tight squeeze. I’ve no clue how the cameraman manages to get these shots! Eventually they find themselves in a beautiful hot springs where they make out forever and a day under a waterfall.
For dinner, Juan Pablo and “cool” Andi sit down for geyser-adjacent dinner. Unfortunately, the geyser is acting up and puts a damper on their date. Literally.
Back at the Huka Lodge, the group date card arrives for Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. Clare is ecstatic, as this means she will be going on her second one-on-one date with El Bachelor.
Back on their date, JP and Andi are drying out away from the geyser and talking kids and marriage. Juan produces the date rose which Andi happily accepts.
It’s group date day and JP’s harem arrive via Jeep to join him on an outdoor adventure. It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday y’all! Everyone is feeling festive because she’s basically a baby and that’s usually the mood at a child’s birthday party. The women are soon told to bathing suit up and jump into these things called Ogo’s, which are basically hamster balls for humans that have some water in them. Nikki takes full advantage of her Ogo time with Juan by putting her mouth on his mouth a lot.
When the sun sets the group date moves to “fucking cool” (according to Sharleen) Hobbiton. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Cassandra is really wanting to spend some solo time with Juan. The first lady JP pulls aside is Renee, who is still riding a high after their romantic date the week prior. She tells Juan about having a “mommy moment” with Cassandra, and how they appreciate that Juan doesn’t see their mom status as ‘baggage’. Next up is “I want to leave here with a husband” Nikki, who confesses that she’s “totally falling” for El Bachelor. Meanwhile, the ladies are dissecting the importance of receiving a group date rose tonight, because now it doesn’t so much mean ‘I want to get to know you better’ as it does ‘I like where this is going’. Sharleen is – as usual – questioning her feelings. Same old, same old. She joins JP on the kissing bench, eyes all sparkly, and he basically lunges at her. “You cut right to the chase, don’t you?” teases Sharleen. She complains that the Bachelor process is a bit “inorganic” for her taste. JESUS SHARLEEN HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE??????? ARE YOU NEW?
Inside Hobbiton, the women are celebrating Cassandra’s birthday and she’s hoping to get the group date rose, as it would be the best birthday gift. Well, that Gollum impersonation isn’t going to win you any roses my dear.
When Cassandra and JP snuggle under a blanket and she tells him she “has so much love to give” even though all of her attention has been on her son the past few years, the date rose seems as good as hers. Unfortunately for Cassandra though (and despite Renee rooting for her to get it), the rose ultimately goes to Sharleen (SERIOUSLY STOP CALLING HIM ‘SIR’!). Did anyone else snicker when JP said he was going to have a “happy ending”? I guess he forgot Clare wasn’t on the group date. Oh yes, I went there.
Immediately afterwards, JP asks to speak to Cassandra. I smell trouble. Nikki thinks it’s so he can wish her a happy birthday privately. It all starts off well, with JP telling Cass that she’s one of his “special ones” and calling her gorgeous and funny and nice…but he doesn’t think they’re on the “same chapter” (his words) in life and he doesn’t feel right keeping her away from her son any longer. Cassandra is “disappointed” but appreciates that he didn’t wait for the rose ceremony to cut her loose. With a hug goodbye and some encouraging-sounding whispers, JP says farewell to Cassandra.
The remaining women are shocked when Juan returns sans Cassandra, but he reassures them that he can “see it” with the ladies who remain.
The next day, Juan and his daughter Camila are catching up on Skype while his voiceover is him regretting the way he handled the Clare situation. He recognizes that he hurt her. Clare is “still having a hard time with what happened in Vietnam.” Her feelings are hurt and she’s hoping for an apology. El Bachelor wants Clare to feel “comfortable” and “happy” and reassures Clare that he wants her to stick around. At this point, she should say thank you and move on. After all, it takes two to tango (read: bang in the ocean). Clare emphasizes that she never intended to create a problem but she is obviously upset that he doesn’t acknowledge his part in the decision-making. Clare questions what their boundaries are and it turns into a whole thing about Juan being pissed at himself for making her cry but he doesn’t actually say they had sex, he just says that they shouldn’t have gone into the ocean at 4 a.m. and kissed on camera. O-kay. “Was that our first fight?” asks Clare after they kiss it out. El Bachelor just wants to hit the reset button on their ‘relationship’.
With that in mind, they meet up later that evening and lounge about on a couch drinking wine. Juan wants to know if Clare’s heart has melted a little. She tells him she has a history of bolting when things get rough (cough* yeah right *cough – Clare totally strikes me as a stage 5 clinger), and he doesn’t know what bolt means but he gets the gist. He “likes listening” to Clare, apparently. The date gets ‘real’ when both of them change into comfy sweats. JP is SUPER into Casual Clare, and gives her the date rose. And then they bang. Just kidding (?). They do slow dance, though.
After a wonderful week in New Zealand, Juan Pablo has to send another woman home. But first – time for a chinwag with (mostly absent this season) host Chris Harrison. JP is looking for “quality” conversations. He’s feeling “positive and happy”. On the subject of Cassandra, JP raves that she’s funny and smart but after a certain point their chemistry wasn’t strong enough. El Bachelor adds that he’s definitely on the path to a proposal, but he just doesn’t know to whom yet.
The vibe at the cocktail party that night is “weird” and a lot of “nerves” are going on. I think Chelsie and Kat are on the chopping block. He’s not had much interaction with them since their early one-on-one dates. JP starts the night with a nervous Nikki, who finds herself without a rose heading into the ceremony for the first time. Juan lets her in on a secret: he’s wearing pink underwear. He presses her a bit on why she likes him so much and they have some cute banter.
Last single mom standing Renee is worrying that JP’s seemingly quick dismissal of Cassandra means that he would cut her loose without a second thought if he had any doubts about their connection. But JP is apparently a mind-reader and within seconds of them heading off to chat he’s assured Renee that she has nothing to worry about. Chelsie has deduced that it’s probably going to come down to her or Kat to head home tonight. She’s hoping that the glow of their fantastic one-on-one date hasn’t faded yet (despite it being a few weeks back which is YEARS in the Bachelor/Bachelorette universe). When Kat gets her solo time with JP she talks about her alcoholic absentee dad. In the end, Kat’s happy she “shared” so much with Juan and is hopeful that she’ll stick around and get to know him even better.
Sorry Kat, ain’t gonna happen. During the “pivotal” rose ceremony, Nikki, Renee and Chelsie are through to the next week while Kat is sent packing. She keeps a smile on her face during two goodbye hugs and holds her tears back until she’s in the relative privacy of the sad gal limo. She “just didn’t get up to speed,” but don’t worry Kat you ARE a great catch like people have told you.
Back in the house, Sharleen is feeling guilty because she sees other girls “suiting him” better. Oooooh drama. JP announces that they’re off to Miami next, and Sharleen decides to give it one more week. If by then she doesn’t see herself with JP long-term, she’s out.
During the end credits, we see that the group date devolved into a poop fight and that Renee really got into it, even flinging sheep poop at JP. The end!
As of now, Renee and Andi are my two favourites, with Sharleen a distant third (she’s just so up and down!). Who are you guys liking? Hit me up in the comments.