Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 3, 2014).
Juan Pablo and his 11 remaining ladies are in Vietnam. He’s “keeping his eyes open” and is determined to spend more time with the ladies he hasn’t gotten to know as well (I presume he means Danielle and Alli, who I refer to as the ‘invisible women’). The girls are exploring their fancy hotel digs, in mostly matchy-matchy tank top and scarf outfits with a bun (was there a memo?). Much like every other season of The Bachelor, it doesn’t seem like any (save for Sharleen) had ever ventured outside of the continental United States. Nikki admits to being the cause of drama last week, and she is looking forward to putting that all behind her.
The first solo date card arrives and it’s for single mom Renee. I like Renee. She’s a bit older than the average Bachelor contestant at 32 (same age as JP), and she seems ’normal’ which is abnormal in the Bachelor world. Apparently JP makes Renee’s hands hurt (?).
The people of Hoi An are going about their day – biking to work and the market, playing the drums, and generally being awesome – seemingly unaware that potential true love in the making is in their midst. Juan Pablo is wearing the shit out of a butter yellow t-shirt and the duo hop in a pedicab (JP’s driving) and make their way to a clothing store. A very friendly Vietnamese women feels up Renee (I mean, takes her measurements for a custom dress), and Renee is worried she’s too sweaty so JP brings her a fan. Awwwwww.
Afterwards, they wander the market encountering shy kids, cute dogs, and loud fruit vendors. After a quick selfie photo, JP and Renee pick out a dress for his daughter and a hat for her son Ben. They sit on a boat for a bit sipping beer and being cute but Renee gets no satisfaction in the form of a kiss. Maybe at dinner?
Renee meets Juan Pablo for dinner in her custom dress that looks amazeballs on her. JP thinks Renee is “gorgeous”. They make their way to a restaurant and they talk about Ben’s dad (Renee’s ex) and being single parents. “We’re on the same page, and I like that,” says JP.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives and everyone is hoping their name isn’t on it. It’s for Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Alli, Danielle and Andi, meaning Nikki is getting the next one-on-one date.
Back on their date, it’s talking and more talking. Renee has eyes that ‘hypnotize’ Juan Pablo, but there’s still no kiss. She does, however, get the rose. Later they walk down to the water and set wish lanterns adrift, but Renee’s is probs defective or something because the night ends with them still not kissing. Juan Pablo’s reasoning is that she has a son so….she has a son. Hey, I get it. He’s being respectful.
Group date day! The ladies venture out in tiny tank-tops and even tinier shorts and meet JP by the water. He instructs them to pick partners for bamboo boats, and no one partners with Clare so she gets to go with El Bachelor. As Kelly puts it: “For the first time in anyone’s life, having no friends is an advantage.” Ha.
Paddling in their bamboo boat, Clare feels eyeballs on her “from all over the place” but it doesn’t stop them from kissing. The eight ladies he’s not kissing on feel like they’re watching a one-on-one date.
Meanwhile, Nikki and Renee are sitting by their secluded hotel pool wondering if other people are pissed about being on the group date. Um, yeah. Duh.
After the boats and banter, JP leads his harem into a Vietnamese family’s home for dinner, much to the surprise of the women. Time to sing for your supper ladies! Translation: pick your dinner from the garden/farm.
Andi takes the opportunity to chat with JP out in the field about her frustration at always being on group datea, and he quickly assuages her anxiety with two simple words: “trust me.” The group sits down to a delicious-looking dinner and everyone is passive aggressive towards Clare. But Clare don’t care. Clare’s gonna do Clare. You got that, ladies?
The group date posse ventures back to the hotel for cocktail hour where JP immediately pulls Clare aside. The ladies are upset, because Clare and JP already had significant private time during the day. After a stroll to the beach, El Bachelor leads Clare to his suite and they change into bathing suits and jump into a pool overlooking the ocean where they joke about not kissing while doing nothing but kissing.
After his water romp with Clare, JP and Sharleen head out to the beach. Sharleen is somber, feeling like “just another face in the crowd”. Don’t you know you’re his favourite? She needs to feel that JP sees her as a “panda in a room full of brown bears”. The fuck? Anyways. Juan Pablo picks up on Sharleen’s “serious” vibe, so he starts calling her cute and kissing her neck. He asks her what she’s thinking about, and her response is “I can’t show all my cards.”
Later, Andi and Juan Pablo cozy up on the beach and she teases him about his accent and he confirms he’s happy she’s there. Teasing leads to kissing….but not the date rose. That goes to Clare. Clare isn’t satisfied with just the date rose, however, and she decided to bucket list this bitch and sneak away to Juan Pablo’s suite to get him to jump in the warm ocean with her.
So it’s 4 a.m. and JP and Clare are frolicking in the ocean. Things get a little “wild”. The way they edit Clare’s voiceover kinda makes it sound like they hook up but I have my doubts.
The next day Juan Pablo and Nikki venture out on their date. I hope JP is into headbands, because Nikki wears them like it’s her job.
Nikki’s all excited because she feels like she’s “on a date” with her boyfriend…until she realizes that date involves repelling. Visibly terrified, Nikki tries to keep her shit together. Literally. She thinks she might poop her pants. She eventually edges her way down to Juan Pablo (with the obligatory ‘terrifying date activity as a metaphor for falling in love’ quote), and they stop mid-descent for some kissing.
Their dinner later that evening (in a cave, natch) is mostly a yawnfest, Nikki talks about not being a morning person but wanting to be a stepmom (sales pitch!). JP butchers the word “pediatric” She gets the date rose. Bo-ring.
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail gathering, JP greets his bevy of beauties and announces that he will be sending three women home tonight. Clare toasts the group with: “Cheers to finding love, being loved and making love.”
Did they? DID THEY?
Or is Clare just stirring the pot?
Andi and JP flirt in Spanish, and then he sits down with Renee and basically confesses that he hasn’t kissed her because he didn’t want her son Ben to see them kissing on TV and be confused or upset by it. Renee barely finishes telling him that it’s cool and that she had a conversation with her kid before coming on The Bachelor and JP actually lunges at her. Ah. Finally. She confirms it was “worth the wait.”
When he sits down with Clare, JP is worried that they took it too far on their beach romp. He wants to be fair to the other women and spend time with all of them. “Maybe it wasn’t right, but what happened happened already.” Clare confesses she feels “silly now” and starts to cry.
Soooo….they totally banged right?
Juan Pablo asks Clare not to cry (three times) but Clare is feeling so “stupid” and “embarrassed”. #sexregrets
Clare and JP make their way (awkwardly) back to the rest of the group, and it’s immediately obvious that she’s been crying. Clare quickly walks away to go cry in a bathroom (classic Bachelor), but she has an audience and when confronted about crying she claims it’s just “bad allergies.”
She ends up outside where JP tries (rather unsuccessfully) to placate her. I really wish he would stop telling women to “look at me.” Clare asks him why he didn’t just turn her down when she suggested their ocean daliance? She claims if he had said no it wouldn’t have hurt her feelings. Doubt it.
Clare re-joins the group and keeps the whole ‘allergies’ charade up, but no one is falling for it.
Chris Harrison arrives (HI CHRIS! I might have shouted), thus announcing the start of the rose ceremony. Predictably, the two ‘invisible women’ of the season – Alli and Danielle – as well as Kelly are sent home. I had thought perhaps Chelsie and Kat were also in danger of going home, but I wasn’t surprised at all to see Kelly left rose-less. Interestingly, El Bachelor sheds a tear when saying goodbye to Danielle (and whispers “you’ll find a great guy”). I’m fairly certain I’ve not seen a conversation between those two all season. Danielle admits there “wasn’t a strong connection” between them so she’s cool with it. And that’s that.
Until next week!