Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week four of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 27, 2014).
This is the last post where I can say: “Welcome back to Juan-uary!” I think we’re all a bit relieved about that.
First things first: Juan’s daughter Camila has a wedgie. With that out of the way, El Bachelor and his harem are heading to Seoul, South Korea. This announcement sends the 13 remaining women into a hysterical fit of bouncing and screaming. Pull it together quick ladies – you only have 60 minutes to pack. It sometimes takes me longer to pick a sandwich* at lunch.
Seoul looks kind of amazing! I want to go to there. The ladies walk the streets (not in that way, though I imagine a few are familiar with the concept) arm-in-arm and take in the sights. Upon returning to their hotel, it gets verrrry quiet when the women notice the date card waiting for them. It’s a group date card, and it’s for Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki. Nikki is super bummed to be stuck on a group date, but cheer up girl because it’s K-Pop time!
The women arrive at a studio in the heart of Seoul and learn that they will be dancing with one of the biggest K-Pop bands in the world apparently, 2NE1. Juan Pablo loves! to! dance! So he’s super amped. The ladies and JP get put through some choreography, with Kat deciding that she’s the choreographer, thus earning scathing looks from Nikki. 2NE1 invites the ladies to join them on stage at a gig later that night, and Nikki is hoping that they are “performing for the South Korean School for the Blind.”
The ladies arrive at a packed 4-story mall and are invited on stage and seem to immediately forget every piece of choreography they learned. Within moments, their dance routine is completely abandoned and instead the ladies are doing more of a group bounce, with the exception of Kat who finds her way to centre stage to dance up a storm and also lip synch. To Korean pop. Yup. The other women practically yell “SPOTLIGHT STEALER” into her mouth. Nikki thinks Kat should just stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer. Me-ow. Oh speaking of cats, in her solo interviews I’m fairly certain Chelsie is wearing a cat ear headband thing.
[Side note: does Nikki totally look like that girl who played the babysitter on Growing Pains? Just me?]
Later that evening. JP and his dates unwind over cocktails, and Kat quickly pulls him aside for some serious talk. She wants him to know she’s not just an amazing dancer, she’s, like, a person too. Kat confesses that her dad was a major alcoholic and her parents split when she was six but it’s cool because her mom is amazeballs.
Meanwhile, Nikki is doing her best to shove her foot in her mouth. She’s calling Kat out for being two-faced and fake and over-the-top. Cassandra has the sads because cattiness makes her uncomfortable (“Well Cassandra, if you hate cattiness you certainly auditioned for the right show” – says no one).
Elise and Juan Pablo get to chatting and she wants him to know that not all the woman are great potential step-mom candidates. Thanks captain obvious. JP confirms he’s keeping his eyes “very open.” Despite being kind of miserable all day, Nikki really turns on the sweetness and charm when her solo time comes around, and she emphasizes how badly she wants to open up with him and doesn’t want to fade into the background just because she’s surrounded by more attention-seeking personalities. Nikki pulls out all the stops: I love kids, I’m the best diaper changer ever, etc. Translation: PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. And it works, because Nikki gets the group date rose and Kat looks like she’s going to shit herself.
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives and Sharleen will be heading out on the next one-on-one.
The next day, Juan Pablo is shown showering before his big date with his “favourite one” Sharleen. I strongly suspect she’s his favourite because she’s an actual challenge for him. He’s waxed poetic about Sharleen’s ‘class’, so I’m curious to see how the date will go. They stroll hand-in-hand through a Seoul market that JP feels is like walking through a “mice”. Maze. He means maze. Gosh that’s a cute accent. They sample food and drink and get stared at a lot.
At the hotel, Chelsie is spilling secrets (and nail polish). Apparently Sharleen has commented that her conversations with JP have been “boring” and they have nothing really to talk about. Wait, what? What’s wrong with this girl? She so all over the place. One minute she’s practically forcing JP to make out with her in front of the other ladies and the next she’s claiming she’s not that into him? Either Sharleen’s completely bipolar or she’s playing a really confusing long con.
“Cheeky” Juan Pablo wants to hear Sharleen sing (she is an opera singer after all) and she’s all flirty eyes and telling JP that he’s “not bland.” Sharleen seems thrilled that Juan Pablo is more fun than she expected. After the sun sets, the duo are in a courtyard type of thing and JP puts her on the spot to sing opera. She kills it, and then they make out and it’s pretty hot. Sharleen confirms to the world that he’s a great kisser.
They sit down for dinner and talk about family and culture, and JP feels strongly that they have a lot in common. Then the big question from him: how many kids does Sharleen want? He wants two or three more. Cut to the hotel, and the ladies are discussing Sharleen’s lack of maternal instinct and playfulness. Back on the date, Sharleen and JP dance around the kid question for a bit until he asks her again point blank how many kids she wants. “I’m not one of those girls that…like…kids for me is something that I never even thought about. I’ve been so career-focused that I sort of feel like…my relationships up to now have come as a second propriety.”
Sharleen admits she dated someone with a kid before and she “wasn’t prepared” for it. She couldn’t get over that she was never going to be the mother of his first child. Gasp! This could be the end of Sharleen. But since week one JP has been super into her and loves her honesty, and that hasn’t changed with this startling admission. Sharleen gets the date rose.
The next day, Juan Pablo meets up with Renee, Andi, Alli, Kelly, Clare and Lauren for a “krazy” group date. Their first stop is a karaoke bar (fun!). There’s tambourines and group dancing and indecipherable song lyrics. After karaoke they cool off at a lemonade stand, then venture out in paddle boats and then they end up in one of those fish pedicure places where the fish eat your dead skin. Apparently Renee has super delicious feet because they go to TOWN on her tootsies. I’ve always wanted to try that! Clare starts acting a bit territorial and it doesn’t go unnoticed by the other gals, especially Andi.
Back on the streets of Seoul, it’s time to eat octopus. But Clare no likey and makes a big show of it. Only after the whole group CHANT HER NAME does she choke it down. Kelly’s comment of “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that” makes my life. I only wish she’d sad it at the time, and not later in her private interview. It’s the most I’ve ever liked Kelly.
Over drinks later that night, the focus is on kissing! JP pulls Renee away first and she is really gunning for a smooch. They have the whole single parent thing in common, but perhaps Renee could talk less about their kids when she’s trying to get made out with? JP has decided he’s already kissed six girls and that it’s time to take a step back. Sorry Renee.
Assistant District Attorney Andi (one of my early faves) teases Juan Pablo about his dancing skills and they clearly have the same weird sense of humour. El Bachelor really wants to kiss her but he’s pumped the brakes on all kissing tonight and isn’t about to change his mind now. Instead they hold hands.
Lauren (there’s a Lauren?) tries to plant one on JP during their alone time but it’s a no go. Instead, they do an awkward hug-dance thing and she’s kinda hurt and pissed because she knows he’s kissed some of the other women. Soon after, the ladies notice that the camera person is scurrying over to catch Lauren crying to Juan Pablo, who is trying to comfort her because he won’t kiss her. They hug it out.
On to the next drama – it’s everyone hate on Clare time. Kelly and Andi are imitating Clare’s octopus revulsion with hilarious accents. Speaking of Clare, she’s whisked JP away for some alone time and admits that she threw up in her mouth after eating the teeny tiny piece of octopus. The issue of kissing comes up (the theme of the evening, apparently). JP’s resolve melts because he’s “helpless” around Clare and they smooch for a bit, but ultimately the group date rose goes to Andi (yay).
Heading into the pre-rose ceremony cocktail, Juan Pablo suspects the night might be tense, because the woman are starting to be “a little uncomfortable with each other.” The women decide on a sort of ‘agreement’ whereby the ones who already have roses won’t attempt to monopolize JP’s time, so as to allow the woman without roses to make their plea…err….spend some much needed time with El Bachelor. But Nikki promptly blows that to shit and interrupts JP and Clare’s time together. “There comes a point where you do have to be a little selfish,” Nikki justifies. Peace out, Clare.
Nikki engages Juan Pablo in a conversation about eye contact and shyness and how when a woman likes a man she avoids eye contact. That’s just science, y’all. JP hints at some drama in the house and you can see Nikki immediately get her back up. She suspects that Clare may have been shit talking her just prior to Nikki interrupting them (she wasn’t). Yeah, Nikki, remember when you interrupted them and you already have a rose?
Kelly finds herself sitting between Clare and Nikki. Awkward! Clare comments to Nikki that “you’re one way with the girls and one way with him.” Nikki counters that Clare isn’t the one handing out the roses. Well played.
Time for the rose ceremony! JP realizes that whomever he sends home will have a long long LONG flight back. I hope for their sake that they get to partake in free booze! The roses go to Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle, Cassandra, Alli(son), Clare, and Kat.
Elise and Lauren are heading home on Just Dumped Airways (not a real airline, but it should be). No surprises tonight. Neither girl seemed to make a huge impact on Juan. Lauren feels dumb for trying so hard to kiss JP. Elise cries and says that it was hard being around so many people who are ugly (on the inside).
Until next week, when JP and his harem head to Vietnam. Will tensions continue between Clare and Nikki? Will Danielle finally get some camera time? What is Allison? Will Juan Pablo continue his (select) moratorium on kissing?