Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, January 20, 2014).
Welcome back to Juan-uary and welcome back Chris Harrison! I missed him last week. But he’s wearing a weird two-tone blue shirt that looks straight out of the Sean John catalogue (remember P Diddy has a clothing line? Me either).
The first solo date card goes to cutie single mom Cassandra who shows up wearing an amazing orangey-red onesie that I wantwantwant. Last week, JP promised not to string her along if he wasn’t feeling a connection, so as not to keep her away from her young son. So obvi, this date is do or die time for Cas. The adorable pair jump into a jeep that morphs into a boat. Witchcraft!
Meanwhile on their date, Juan Pablo and a nervous Cassandra board a yacht and immediately jump off it to pal around in the water while the sun sets. Later that evening the pair are at JP’s house (his daughter is with the grandparents), where they cook dinner and JP gives her a dance lesson (not a euphemism). Cassandra hasn’t had a date in 3 YEARS you guys. Oh yeah I forgot she was 21. So I guess her last date was at the prom. And then she had her son at 19. They cuddle up to show each other photos of their kids, and after a slightly long-winded speech about single-parenthood, JP gives Cassandra the date rose and then they kiss for awhile. First major kiss of the season! JP is a smitten kitten!
On a related note, I could listen to Juan Pablo try to say “malted milk ball” for the rest of my life.
Next up is a soccer-themed group date with Sharleen, Kelly, Christy, Danielle, Renee, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Lucy, and Nikki. The ladies arrive to see JP sweating it up with the LA Galaxy players, and his sweaty musk sends them into a tizzy. Juan puts the girls through some drills (again, not a euphemism) and then they divide into teams. On the red team, nurse Nikki has little patience for weakest link Kelly but they have secret weapon Alli who has been playing since childhood. On the blue team, Sharleen uses her face to block the ball and thinks JP is super hot. After a red win, he invites both teams to join him for some post-game cocktails overlooking the fields so that no one has to have the ‘we lost and so are sent home’ sads.
“Reserved” Nikki joins JP and confesses she was worried about “getting hurt” coming onto the Bachelor, and that she isn’t a fan of the mostly “short conversations” they have. Take a number, Nikki. Juan Pablo assures Nikki that he’s into her, and they hug it out.
Sneaking off to a deserted kitchen together, the chemistry between JP and our Assistant District Attorney we’ve seen since week one is on overdrive, and a high pony-tailed Andi confesses that shit got real for her on the soccer date. They seal their chat with a smooch. She may have lost at soccer but Andi certainly feels “like a winner now.”
Back on the group date, Sharleen is certainly warming to our “smooth” Bachelor after a rocky start. JP likes her “class” and they agree their connection is very “organic”. Juan Pablo moves in for a kiss that turns into a steamy makeout witnessed by the other ladies. Andi is bummed. She thought she had an “in” for the rose after their kitchen connection, but her faith is shaken when she spots JP making out with Sharleen. Turns out one doesn’t have to lock lips with this Bachelor to secure a date rose: it goes to Nikki.
The next day, Chelsie ventures out with Juan Pablo for their one-on-one date. In the car, they groove to some Venezuelan music. Later they stroll hand-in-hand to a Venezuelan café for lunch. After chowing down on various delicacies, JP leads her to a tandem ankle bungee jump site off a bridge (of course).
[Sidenote: There should be a rule about bungee jumping after eating. But if it were me I’d be cool because I’m really good at upside down vomiting. Fact.].
A ‘high dive on crack,” according to ‘Science Educator’ Chelsie. She inevitably panics (she “hates edges” after all) and tears up, but is soothed by JP’s comforting whispers and also maybe a scooch bullied by his request of “just do it for me”. He does tell her it’s ok to bail and they back up from the platform, but she changes her mind (perhaps because he makes her feel like his “#1 priority) and they go for it. I am ever-so-grateful that Chelsie doesn’t launch into a “jumping as a metaphor for falling in love” speech…..ah fuck it there it is. Spoke to soon. Clever producers, waiting until AFTER the jump. I appreciate their upside-down makeout session though.
Following their jump for love, they reconnect for a romantic dinner inside Pasadena City Hall. I didn’t expect JP and Chelsie to have this strong of a romantic connection. JP admits his biggest fear is not being a good example to his daughter Camila and thinks Chelsie is wife material for sure.
Chelsie is hoping for the date rose and after complimenting JP’s upside-down kissing prowess, she is rewarded (the cherry on the sundae of apparently the “best day” of her life). Oh honey.
But the date’s not over yet, because some other country singer [Billy Currington(?) according to Chelsie] has arrived to serenade them. I truly never knew there were this many singers of this particular genre until I started watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette.
Bright and early (apparently) the next morning, Juan Pablo sneaks into the Estrogen Palace to make a Venezuelan breakfast and surprise the ladies. He seems very keen to see them without makeup on. Very keen. Perhaps to suss out the au naturel beauties from the natural uggos.
Kelly is the first to venture downstairs so that she can take her dog Molly for a walk. She’s mortified that JP is seeing her without her “face on”. She ventures back upstairs to warn the other ladies that a penis is in their midst so mascara up ladies! Renee (either not warned or not caring) joins JP in the kitchen, morning breath and all. Then Danielle (who I completely had forgotten about!) and Clare (who looks great in PJs, according to Juan Pablo) appear. Soon, the kitchen is full of ladies mowing down on a Venezuelan breakfast.
JP assumes the role of Chris Harrison and announces that they will be cancelling that evening’s pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and will have a pool party instead. JP’s harem oils up to lounge by the pool. Juan Pablo arrives, flings off his shirt like it’s HIS JOB, and dives into the pool. “This is a great day to be The Bachelor,” says Captain Obvious.
Kat perches atop JP’s shoulders in the pool, eliciting jealous stares. Kelly feels that Kat is “trying too hard” and calls Kat a whore (oooh….claws are coming out). But Kat doesn’t give a shit what the other ladies think because she gets a massage from JP out of it. Sharleen isn’t feeling uber confident about her chances at the rose ceremony that evening, and is questioning if she’s the right type of girl for him. When they get some time together, she complains about the cameras in her face and starts to cry. Ugh this girl is all over the place. A comforting hug turns into a not-so-private kiss that JP cuts off rather abruptly (likely not wanting to tick off an army of sunbathing ladies nearby), prompting Sharleen to label him a “tease”. Unfortunately, hairstylist Clare can’t take the heat and she retreats to the bathroom to mope, and as per usual Renee is there to cheer her up. Clare is upset that she hasn’t really spent any quality time with JP since going on the first one-on-one a week and a half ago (which is like 6 months in Bachelor time). She eventually sits down with JP and swears she’s not jealous (cough yeah right cough). At the end of it, Clare feels “reassured”.
At the rose ceremony, Danielle gets the last rose; thus, Christy and a surprisingly emotional Lucy are the unlucky in love ladies sent packing. Nothing shocking there. So far the eliminations have been pretty predictable.
I feel like I’m still waiting for this season to get interesting, you know? Until next week.