I know a lot (probably too much) about astrological signs. Some people are, like, terrifyingly into sports stats. Those people probably don’t have a lot of sex. I’m into horoscopes and astrology. Draw your own conclusions.
I’ve decided that my 15 year+ fascination with all things Capricorn through Sagittarius has made me an expert in horoscopes, and thus completely qualified to provide a look ahead at what`s in the stars for 2014. I’ve also decided that I should marry a member of One Direction (doesn’t matter which one) and that it’s totally cool for me to use Grindr to find the nearest gay man to tell me if my outfit looks ok. Obviously I’m really good at decisions.
So here’s what next year has in store for you!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Hey, you’re kind of the worst. But you have a lot of friends because you have a lot of money. In 2014, you’ll start greeting office mates in the morning with the phrase: “Morning Muggles!” Consequently, you’ll never be invited to happy hour drinks again. In your new free time, you’ll take up yoga but you’ll be really bad at it.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Those born under the sign of Aquarius are famous for being exceptionally boring. Basically your face is made of yawns. In 2014, you’ll start casually stealing candy from gas stations as a result of suppressed rage for a directionless life. If you’re a man, you’ll grow a beard. If you’re a woman, you’ll also probably grow a beard.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
2014 isn’t really going to be your year, so don’t get too excited. You’ll be the recipient of at least two really bad haircuts. You’ll watch all of Breaking Bad, so you’ll at least finally know what the fuck everyone else has been talking about. That’s something. Also your credit card will get stolen and when you see the charges you’ll realize the thief has way better taste in porn than you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
First of all Aries, you’re not always right, ok? With that out of the way, in 2014 you’ll get really into eating quinoa but you’ll never be 100% sure you’re pronouncing it correctly and the fear of pronouncing it incorrectly will be socially crippling. You will have sex with someone just because he looks like Ryan Gosling/she looks like the hot girl from Lost.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is a decent year to be a Taurus. Men – you may have spent the last five years having the arms of a poet, but 2014 is the year you’ll get super into your fitness. By Spring you’ll basically make David Beckham look like an actual pile of garbage. Unfortunately, you’ll pick up a weirdo fungus from the gym that will basically shrink your junk down to the size of a golf pencil. Act surprised. For the lady Taurus out there – you will meet a handsome doctor. Poke a hole in that condom.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Geminis, it’s no secret that you have multiple personalities (all of them annoying) and will make out with pretty much anything. People gravitate towards you – even though you’re really dumb – because you give surprisingly great advice and always have snacks. 2014 is probably going to be a shit year for you. Stick a tampon in it. Call your mom.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
S’up Cancer? Men – 2014 will see you buying a whole new wardrobe which is good because at this point no one can tell where the homeless stops and the artist/hipster begins. Lady Cancers – you’ll probably start stripping but you’ll be a fancy stripper who, like, bangs politicians and actors as opposed to the kind who works the day shift near the airport. Yay.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Go to the dentist already. What are you so afraid of you pussy? You’re in need of a good dicking. 2014 will be a great year for this. Normally people tell you to talk about your problems but this year I’m going to recommend that you bottle that noise up. It’s very likely that this is the year you’ll stab someone on the subway or get stabbed yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In 2014 you will get your own pack of back-up dancers to follow you around. They will do wonders for your self-esteem. You’ll pretend to read a bunch of those smart people books and get really into Harry Potter about 10 years too late. You’ll lose all your friends because you will keep telling everyone that you only get your news from the radio on Grand Theft Auto.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Oh Libras. In 2014 you really need to look at your life and look at your choices. You will start jogging to deal with all that pent-up sexual energy (you know what I’m talking about). Unfortunately, you’ll end up on that people of Walmart web site. You should make a sex tape. Those are always good ideas. Most of the people in prison right now are Libras.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s a well-known fact that Scorpios are pretty slutty but you look really good in shorts so consider taking up tennis. In 2014 you’ll find out that you’re not allergic to gluten after all. In fact, most likely you’re way less of an assclown when you eat nothing but gluten. You’ll pee yourself a little bit during a work meeting or other important event involving numerous witnesses, but otherwise things are going pretty well for you. Go ahead and wear that promotional t-shirt from a strip club to the office for casual Friday. Good idea.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Howdy Sagittarius. This year you’ll get food poisoning at a wedding but you’ll find $100 next to your car so it evens out. Work-wise, a rumour will spread that you’re bisexual and everyone will be a lot nicer to you. Join a book club and start talking like the cast of Mad Men. It’s an improvement, believe me. People born under the sign of Sagittarius get slapped a lot.