I work in a super corporate environment. No one is more surprised about this than I am, believe me. I never pictured myself in a suit-y workplace, but it’s all I’ve known since embarking on my career 10 years ago (eek!). My specific brand of passive aggressive sarcasm – combined with my tattoos and general aversion to wearing makeup or acting like an adult – doesn’t seem like it would thrive in the corporate world, but somehow it all balances out. And I love it.
I like to think my co-workers see me as ‘quirky’ instead of batshit crazy, or find my humour ‘refreshing.’ But let’s be real: most of them likely see me as a nutty assclown. Sometimes they approach me so quietly and speak to me in such soothing tones that I accuse them of trying to bitch whisper me. But it could also be because one time I yelled at someone who knocked on my office door while I was trying to watch Jersey Shore online during a lunch break, so now I’m that scary girl who yells. Either way.
My job affords me a bit of a creative outlet, but for the most part I rarely get to let my freak fly, as they say. So when an assignment to draft a short web piece on my company’s Movember participation landed on my desk, I decided to pepper it with my special brand of insanity.
I opted to write the blurbs in third person and obviously give the moustaches human qualities. Since I have to look at them for a month each year (yes, I recognize that they are sprouted for charity and that’s amazing but not all ‘staches are created equal and some are physically startling), I decided a while back to pretend that each moustache I encountered possessed a unique personality and its own special interests. Case in point: I once told a stranger on the bus that his moustache would look amazing jumping out of a helicopter.
After reading my descriptions, one Movember participant emailed me, simply, “OH MY”. I’ve been telling myself that’s corporate speak for “I LOVE IT. YOU’RE SO FUNNY AND CLEVER AND YOU DON’T EVEN NEED TO BE BECAUSE YOU’RE PRETTY. I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE YOU GET A HUGE RAISE!” Or something.
Some of my favourites that I wanted to share here:
- This ‘stache never sleeps on planes because it doesn’t want to get incepted.
- This fancy crumb catcher recently enjoyed its first McLobster and will appear in Miley Cyrus’ next music video.
- This moustache knows all of the words to Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’ and hates low talkers.
- This ‘stache is terrified of clowns but once scared away a mountain lion with nothing but a lip curl.
- Ron Burgundy is totes jealous of this moustache.
- This moustache likes long walks on the beach and owns its own set of power tools.
This was fun.