Funny Girls in Tight Jeans

From time to time on this blog I like to post old email and text conversations between my friend M and I because, frankly, we’re the funniest people we know. Here’s a gem from 2010.

M: Good Morning! How are you?  Uhg I already hate today.  Isn’t there some sort of rule for not taking your fuck up out on me before 9 am? My friend C texted me first thing this morning that he’s moving back to Toronto. You two are going to get along so well because he’s basically me but male.  So basically me. I actually woke up before my alarm this morning but I figured it was just so I could get my period.

J: Howdy. When I get off a long flight I usually look like I’ve spent a month or so being tortured in an Iraqi prison while birds pecked away at my skin, hair and eyes. Jon Hamm does not have this problem. Things are okey dokey. Spent all day yesterday at a conference. I ended up staying for the entire conference and the cocktail party after, which I almost never do. It was great. Good content, fantastic speakers (including a guy who is referred to as the ‘rock star of digital marketing’ which is just  like a real rock star except for more closely resembling Buster from Arrested Development) and amazing food. Even an ice cream bar! And the cocktail reception was also an orgy of calories, sushi and cheese. I’m currently making snow angels in the piles of swag I scored. So. Despite it taking over 90 minutes to get to work today (when it rains, the TTC just DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION apparently) it’s a good day. How are you? So excited to meet C. If he’s you with a jock I’m tickled pink.

M: You have no idea what the words “ice cream bar” did to me. Let’s just say I am now planning my wedding around one.  Maybe in a Pizza Hut. Ugh! The TTC!!!  90 minutes, really? I can tell the second it starts because suddenly there are twice as many police sirens along Queen Street from people in cars going totally bonkers. Oh my god you’re going to love C. You will LOVE HIM. You should maybe marry him.  He has a real career.  He rescued a greyhound. He knows all the words to ‘Man in Motion’.

J: Oh absolutely in a Pizza Hut (cut to me high-fiving a million angels). The Niagara Falls Swiss Chalet is also a frequent venue for wedding receptions, I shit you not my dear, gazelle-like friend. 90 minutes, really. Fine, I’ll marry C. He looks like a good napper who also hates morning sex, so I’m in. Can he teach us the words to ‘Man in Motion’ because despite listening to it every day I only know the first line. Mostly.

M: We could have a combination wedding at the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell! Now *I’m* high-fiving a million angels. I have definitely seen a wedding reception at a Shoney’s in Tennessee.  I say ‘seen’ because they didn’t even rent the room.  They were just there with us regular folks eating as many pancakes as you can as quick as possible before your brain registers you are full. I haven’t changed much since I was eight. I don’t know if Rob Lowe himself could teach us the words to that song.  It seems impossible.  Especially with me biting his bottom lip. Is it possible that we’ve both damaged the part of the brain that would retain that information? 

J: So I’ll need a bridesmaid dress that goes well with both a tray and a salad buffet. Check. I could eat so much Swiss Chalet right now it’s almost offensive. I’m meeting a friend for lunch. Hope he doesn’t shock easily. I don’t even know how Rob Lowe ever speaks to anyone. I’d latch onto that bottom lip like it was a sucking candy that, when bitten, dispensed tiny doses of ambien and red wine.

M: Oh my god are you going to the Swiss Chalet?? That was my place with my mom when I was still eating whole chickens in one go. Plus extra rolls.

J: Nah I think he wants Chinese food. Which is total barf in any food court I’ve ever been to. I’m going to veer towards Wendy’s. Then change my mind and get mashed potatoes and steal a piece of cheese from the cafeteria.

M: I’ve worked my way through two types of curry and am now onto rice crackers with peanut butter and an entire thing of BBQ Pringles. I love that you steal cheese so much. So much.

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