Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on the season finale of Desiree Hartsock’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, August 5, 2013).
That said, unless you are headless you probs already know what happened. Here’s how it all went down.
[In a booming, dramatic voice that sounds slightly constipated] Last week on The Bachelorette, Desiree had her heart broken by Brooks. Will she go home? Or will she pick up the pieces of her shattered heart and find love with one of her two remaining suitors Chris or Drew?
We open with Chris Harrison and a live studio audience that I suspect smells of desperation, expired bronzer and hair extension glue. Chris recaps the previous week’s drama – Brooks leaving because he just wasn’t that into her and Desiree heartbroken and “virtually hopeless.” Ouch.
We’re back in Antigua and Desiree manages to hold in her sads for about 35 seconds. Probs because her dress doesn’t look waterproof. And it’s making her fake eyelashes too heavy. Desiree is gazing upon the ocean with the weight of the world on her tanned shoulders. She’s heartbroken and sits down with Chris Harrison who is THE WORST at talking to sad women. Desiree expresses her desire to go home and Chris let’s her cry it out because there’s no way that’s happening. This is The Bachelorette. Not real life. The show must go on. Chris asks if Des could see herself with Chris or Drew (had Brooks not been in the mix or otherwise), who are not yet aware of Brook’s departure. But Des (numbly) insists she’s “not broken” and her heart will go on…right into a rose ceremony.
Des is kind of threatening to leave if she doesn’t feel a strong connection with the final two remaining dudes in her Penis Parade. Chris and Drew arrive at the rose ceremony and Desiree reveals that Brooks left the previous day and it turned her world upside down. “Love is unpredictable, and it is a two-way street.” She commits to continue to look at her relationships with each man individually, and tells them that Brooks leaving won’t ruin her spirit. She starts to cry when she tells the men to take a hike if they’re not into it, basically. Desiree certainly doesn’t want another Brooks situation happening. “If you don’t want to, just let me know.” Neither men budge (in fact, Drew might be a cardboard cut-out..oh wait…it blinked) and each one accepts a rose from moist-faced Desiree. Des then gives a feeble champagne toast to “staying hopeful.”
Drew’s voiceover reiterates that he’s ready to propose rightnow and would never leave her. Cue the applause back in the live studio audience. Chris promises we’ll hear from ‘Bachelor Nation’. It turns out that ‘Bachelor Nation’ is convinced that Brooks is coming back.
Um, why do we want this? Even if Brooks came back (which seems highly unlikely despite the prevailing internet rumours), would Desiree even consider taking him back? Would we event want her to take him back? One cougar in the crowd blames the advice Brooks received from his mother and sister, adding that Brooks should’ve solicited advice from another man instead of his family. Jesus Christ in the garden. Bitches be crazy. I have to hope that this many women crammed together in a small studio breathing in a toxic cloud of hairspray, tanning fumes and drugstore perfume must be contributing to the crazy-eyed audience’s obsession with wanting the Brooks + Desiree ending. Right??
Back in Antigua, Desiree has decided to have final one-on-one dates with Chris and Drew before she has them meet her visiting parents and brother Nate. Des is certainly shaking things up and diverting from the standard Bachelor/Bachelorette playbook isn’t she?
Desiree rides on horseback into her date with Drew. They make weirdly awkward small talk while riding to their date spot on the beach and things feel…off. Very off. Drew is super amped for the date and is certain that Desiree is the one for him. It’s very obvious, however, that Des isn’t feeling it. She’s struggling even to make idle conversation. Drew toasts to “being madly in love” and Des looks like she’s about ready to hurl. “I really need to talk to you…”
Awkward laugh…..Desiree wiping sand off her hands for like a minute….tears.
Desiree is breaking up with Drew!!!
“I’d be so lucky to have you in my life, but, like, I don’t know if I see our futures together…if I can be 100% for you.”
Drew is shocked but exceptionally composed, telling Des that she doesn’t “have to be sorry for not being in love” with him and thanking her for being honest.
They part ways and Drew admits that he now has to “think about a life without” Desiree when moments earlier he was set on proposing. He just “wants to be happy.” Oh please make Drew the next Bachelor!!! He’s so cute and sweet I just want to carry him around in my pocket. And by pocket I mean underpants. I guess I will need to start wearing underpants. #jennproblems
And then there was one.
Back in the studio audience, lip glossed mouths are agape and you could hear a tampon drop. Is Desiree going to ditch Chris too? Is Brooks going to swoop back in with a grand gesture and declarations of love?
Desiree’s date with Chris has a completely different feel right from the get-go. Chris confesses that he had wanted to comfort her when she cried at the rose ceremony but didn’t out of respect to Drew. Her fears that she wasn’t going to have strong feelings for anyone (other than Brooks) seem to melt away and Des seems very hopeful that her date with Chris on a catamaran will be “smooth sailing.” See what she did there? He may turn out to be Consolation Chris, but there’s no ignoring that Des and him have had a strong connection from day one. Chris and Des goof off in the ocean and make out and Chris has no idea that he’s the last man standing. Desiree’s voice over confirms that she “made the right decision to continue on and not give up on love.” Hmm. Wonder what’s going to happen if Des and Chris end up together after all and he sees how ready she was to bail after Brooks left. Eek.
When they meet up for the evening portion of their date, there’s a cute moment where they kiss at the door and Des apologizes for her lip gloss and Chris says it’s cool because he forgot to put some on. HAHAHAHA. Chris makes a toast (admittedly, this is not his “forte”) to their future, and he feels confident about their bond. Desiree thanks Chris for being by her side since the first week and through this “emotionally draining” journey. Chris confirms that he loves how they always seem to pick up where they left off and that this aspect of their relationship makes it more “real.” Could it be that Des is seeing that Chris was the right guy for her all along? Please. They even look like a couple and thanks god Chris doesn’t read any poetry this time! He does present her with a journal wherein he’s included his mind-numbing poetry but I’ll let that one go. I get weirdly sentimental*** at Bachelorette finales, but don’t worry it doesn’t last and I’m back to being a full-fledged snark within a week.
Chris asks Des if she wants him to meet her parents, and despite “struggling” with the decision Desiree confirms that it’s a go. The fact that Chris wants so strongly to meet her family and is so forthcoming about his feelings for her brings Desiree to tears in her private on-camera interview. “I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I loved them,” Des wails. “How could I not have loved him from the beginning?”
Back in the studio audience, Chris chats with former Bachelor Sean Lowe and his fiancée Catherine who are as odd and awkward as usual. They both offer their opinion on the potential outcome for Desiree (Sean thinks she’ll re-group and go with Chris while Catherine would be pissed if she were Chris and saw how in love Desiree was with Brooks). They also field wedding questions from Chris before he moves on to former Bachelor contestants (and Sean’s ex-girlfriend’s, essentially) Jackie, Lesley and Lindsay. I love how Des is friends with so many of the ladies from Sean’s season. Jackie (who was practically a ghost on Sean’s season but seems to be EVERYWHERE now) is optimistic that Des can find love with Chris but admits that when she (along with Catherine and Lesley) visited Desiree earlier in the season Desiree was all about Brooks. Lesley also thinks that Desiree is falling for Chris but doesn’t feel it’s merely a rebound thing. Lindsay (Sean’s runner-up) wants to throw a shoe at Brooks’ head (snort) and feels that deep down Desiree loves Brooks and he “might be the guy.” So she’s like the spokesperson for dumb bitches tonight.
We return to the action on Antigua and Chris arrives to meet Desiree’s parents and hostile-adjacent brother Nate. Chris is barely in the door before Nate hurls a bunch of questions at him but Chris takes it all in stride and Nate seems reassured. Chris is diplomatic when questioned about his feelings regarding the ‘other guy left’ (ie. Drew), so now we know for sure that Chris is in the dark about Drew’s departure. Chris charms the fam and then steps away (to “take a little hike”) with Desiree’s dad and is granted permission to propose to Desiree. After Chris leaves, Nate confirms to his sister that he fully approves of Chris…but adds that he’s worried Chris is always going to be second choice guy. Desiree insists she’s over Brooks and that seems to appease Nate. He’s not so scary after all.
No Brooks. Don’t think it’s going to happen. And I’m happy about that. Don’t yell at me!
Like Bachelor/Bachelorette clockwork, a “hopeful” Chris meets with jeweller Neil Lane and picks a big sparkling engagement ring for Desiree. He hopes she’ll “want to wear it” for the rest of her life. I guess we’re about to find out!
Des emerges from her suite in a sandy/peachy coloured dress situation and stresses that she wants to be honest with Chris about the whole Brooks situation because she feels he “deserves to know.” Hmm. Could this be the end of Chris and Desiree?
I have a mild panic attack thinking the producers are going to pull a last-minute switcheroo and Brooks will actually emerge from the limo but nope, it’s Chris. Since he already fake proposed to Desiree during the week one limo introductions this should be easy, right? If only we knew which way Des was leaning.
[Sidenote: Chris Harrison keeps saying that Des may be the “first Bachelorette to end up alone” but didn’t Jen Schefft choose no one on her season?]
Chris arrives at the Alter of Potential Happiness or Crushing Rejection and is greeted by Chris Harrison who sends him on his way to Desiree. Remember, Chris doesn’t know that Drew is dunzo so he’s anxious to lock it down. Desiree lets Chris take the lead and he does, reminiscing about their earlier dates and their ‘journey’ to falling in lover (well, on his side anyways). “You make me want to be a better person and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Chris says. He starts to drop to one knee but Des grabs on tighter to his hands to prevent him from doing so. Chris looks panicked but does a sort of jump up and awkward laugh bit, and Des gives him a reassuring smile and says she just has to say a few things first. Desiree confesses that she said goodbye to Drew earlier in the week and that Chris was the only one to meet her family. She admits that she loved (yay for past tense!) Brooks and was “torn apart” when he bailed. She adds that throughout the whole process she was consistently torn between Chris and Brooks but now she realizes that she was perhaps blindsided by Brooks and couldn’t see that the “one thing” she needed was right in front of her. Chris “never lost sight” of what they could be and Desiree thanks him for “never giving up….”
…and says that she loves him. So much.
A visibly relieved Chris says “Do you want to grow old together? Do you want to share your experiences with me together? Can I share mine with you? Do you want to start a family? Do you want to have kids?” and this time Desiree lets him get all the way down on one knee.
Chris: “Will you marry me?”
Desiree: “Yes. A thousand times yes” Groan.
They both cry and Desiree is in awe of her “gorgeous” engagement ring.
Or blinded by it. Either way.
“We did it!” says a very happy Desiree.
Yay. We are treated to a recap of Chris and Desiree’s relationship (remember those ginormous beers in Germany? I want to go to there) and oh god what is this salty droplet in the corner of my eye? Crap. And Chris accepts Desiree’s final rose.
Chris reveals that Desiree almost gave him a heart attack when she stopped him (temporarily) from proposing after he poured his heart out. But they clink champagne glasses and all is well. Please never break up guys. I really need this to work out for some reason and also can we be best friends the three of us and I can move in? Full disclosure: according to my neighbour’s diary I have boundary issues.
And now we’re back in the studio and it’s officially ‘After the Final Rose’ time. Chris Harrison immediately confirms that Des and Chris are engaged (still). A nervous Desiree joins Chris on stage and he makes her show off her ring.
Desiree confirms that she was always smitten with Chris (translation: he’s no Consolation Chris). She’s not even sure why she was so into Brooks in the first place, but readily admits that perhaps it was the chase that kept her hooked. She trusts her relationship with Chris and it’s definitely not a rebound. When asked if she now sees – watching the season back – that Brooks wasn’t quite on par with her in the feelings department, Des confirms that she thought the hometown date with Brooks would reveal any “red flags” if there were any; however, the hometown went well so she did truly feel blindsided by his sudden departure in Antigua.
After the commercial, Desiree is joined onstage by a recently bearded Brooks. He confesses he was really invested in the relationship and truly wanted it to work out. Desiree appreciates that Brooks was so honest with her but wanted to know what happened between their hometown date and Antigua that changed his mind. Ultimately, Brooks felt he wasn’t where he needed to be, emotionally, by the time he got to Antigua. Or as he puts it: “The head was ahead of the heart.” Well said, Brooks. Though Des keeps her composure, Brooks seems on the verge of tears at times. Desiree (somewhat nervously) reveals that she is engaged to Chris, as Brooks was backstage with ear plugs or something and hadn’t heard/seen the episode. The audience titters when she starts by saying “so yeah, after you left, it was actually really good.” Brooks is not surprised at all that Desiree and Chris ended up together, and even comments that he always noticed the way Des looked at Chris during group dates and rose ceremonies. Well that was all neat and tidy.
Next up on the hot seat is Drew who is as contained and composed as ever. Sweet fancy Moses he is handsome. I didn’t think so at the beginning but my god. Please please please let him be the next Bachelor. It’s been three months since Desiree sent Drew home and he’s still working on getting over it. Though he had pictured a happy ending with Desiree, he did suspect something was amiss during the rose ceremony, where he felt that Desiree showed more excitement/affection towards Chris. Drew is genuinely happy for Des and though he wanted to be with her, he’s happy that she got what she was “looking for.” Desiree gushes about how loving and amazing Drew is. Sounds like she wants him to be the next Bachelor too! Drew asks if he could’ve done anything differently (my heart!) and Desiree emphasizes that nothing would’ve changed the outcome. Drew tells Chris he has no regrets about expressing his love for Desiree during the show, but confirms he’s no longer in love with her. That sounds like a future Bachelor to me (fingers crossed).
After Drew, Chris finally joins his fiancée onstage and it’s so nice to see how Desiree lights up when she’s around Chris. This show makes me feel like such a chick. The audience wildly applauds when they kiss, so clearly they’re all pretty much over the whole Brooks thing too. He didn’t come back y’all. Let’s all be happy about that together. And Chris is cool about the whole Brooks thing too it seems. He’s totally nonplussed about the fact that his current fiancée lost her shit over Brooks leaving just days before getting engaged to him. “We were building something great on the show, and we’ve built something great since.” Classy.
Desiree confirms she’s moving to Seattle to be with Chris (they’ve found a new place to move in together rather than Des moving into his current apartment), and Chris lets it slip that his family knows about their relationship (an obvious breach of his confidentiality agreement, but Chris doesn’t seem concerned). And of course there’s a poem (bathroom break!) that’s also framed with rose petals…from the rose ceremonies. I can’t make this shit up.
Lastly, the next Bachelor is revealed and it’s not Drew (boo) but Juan Pablo who will bring his disarming Latin charm to the small screen in 2014. I was originally a JP fan but found him a tad dickish during the Men Tell All special. That said, I’ll totally watch the show beginning to end. Obviously. And judging by the squealing in the studio audience, I won’t be the only one. Every couch across North America will need to be steam cleaned after the next season.