The Bachelorette (Desiree) – Season Finale (Part 1)

Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on part 1 of the season finale of Desiree Hartsock’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 29, 2013).

Holy.

Shit.

Holy shit.

So all the previews have been promising THE.MOST.DRAMATIC.FINALE.EVER but we can all agree we assumed they were probs just pulling our dick, right? We’ve heard it every season and the drama turns out to be, like, a hangnail. So imagine my surprise when the first of the finale 2-parter turned out to be legitimately dramatic.

Desiree and the final 3 men in her circle jerk – Drew, Chris and Brooks – will be going on (potentially) overnight dates in Antigua this week.

First we get a recap of Chris (my favourite) and Desiree’s “journey”, complete with bad poetry and lederhosen and his adorable “awkwardness”. Then there’s “romantic” uber cutie Drew with the insanely hot body and all-American boy-next-door good looks. Last up is Brooks. Desiree ♥’s Brooks. I don’t get it. She’s in love, but unfortunately it’s with the ONE GUY left who hasn’t said he loves her. But that’s ok. She “feels” it. In fact, Des says: “He almost doesn’t have to tell me for me to know. It’s unspoken.” She looks at him and sees her “future”. Erm… alright. Sometimes “unspoken” just means “unfelt”.

Desiree ventures out on her date with Drew and they head to a sugar plantation called Betty’s Hope. Drew comments that he didn’t even know Antigua existed and that the water is, like, “so blue.” They make a few pit stops en route to make out and I realize that for the first time I kind of like Drew. He’s managed to wear me down with his sweetness. I never thought this day would come.

The kissy duo peruse the local wares and purchase some touristy crap and are presented with a heart woven from grass or something. Des is “loving life right now.” D + D share some pineapple while gazing out at the ocean and Drew is 100% sure that Desiree is the woman of his dreams. Later that evening, their dinner on the beach plans are rained out so they skip right ahead to the fantasy suite where Drew opts to forgo his individual room. [Side note: Chris Harrison is essentially a pimp].

They talk feelings and Desiree tells Drew she wants a love that will last but more importantly she needs good communication because her ex sucked at it. Drew is ready to “get down on one knee” and was ready to do so a few weeks ago. Oh lord, if Desiree doesn’t pick Drew he’s going to be totally gutted. I can’t watch pretty men cry. Well, maybe if he takes his shirt off. So Drew’s mind is made up: he’s going to “marry this woman.” They politely kick out the camera crew and probably spend the rest of the night staring into each other’s eyes and saying “No, you’re prettier.” Or banging.

Well this is weird. Instead of heading into Desiree’s second overnight date, after the commercial break we’re in Boise, Idaho, where Desiree’s top choice Brooks is wondering why he’s not in love with Desiree. Um, perhaps because you’ve known each other for 5 minutes? Just sayin’. Brooks visits his mom and sister, hoping to get some clarity on his feelings before heading to Antigua for his “exotic date” with Desiree. “The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable,” he admits. Brooks adds that he’s been shying away from the “do you love Desiree?’ questions, but says that she’s a really sweet gal and he likes the crap out of her and loves so many things about her (including “kissing her” and “being with her”).

Mom and sister are sympathetic to his struggle despite being completely smitten with “darling” Desiree. But Momma Brooks certainly doesn’t want her son proposing if he’s not entirely certain that Desiree is ‘the one.’ Given that Brooks appears to be on the verge of tears during this entire conversation, I’m guessing he’s leaning towards a hit it and quit it situation. Or just quit it. He’s not prepared to propose. Period. Bachelorette producers are shitting themselves right now. It’s become fairly obvious that Desiree was going to ‘pick’ Brooks but he doesn’t choo-choo-choose her (yup, a Simpsons reference). Crap on a cracker.

Back in Antigua, Desiree is with Chris (looking very handsome in a pastel purple v-neck t-shirt) and they’re off to Barbuda in a helicopter. Ballin! There, they frolic (and squint – why won’t you let anyone wear sunglasses Bachelorette producers!?!?) on a beach, snack on fruit and make out in the ocean. Des feels like she’s been dating Chris “a long time” and they’re really cute and comfortable together. It’s obvious that Chris is ready to put a ring on it.

PICK HIM, PLEASE! NOT BROOKS!

Annoying poetry aside, Chris and Des seem like the best fit, long-term. During dinner, Chris confesses that these have been the best two months of his life. And that’s coming from a former pro baseball player. He broaches the subject of Des possibly moving to Seattle if they end up together, as he’s found his ‘dream job’ there. A dream job that has allowed him 2 months off to appear on a reality dating show, apparently. Desiree is very happy in California but would “sacrifice” for love. Including moving to drizzly Seattle? Probs.

Chris also accepts the overnight date card (obviously) but emphasizes that there are “no expectations.” He also puts in a request to “watch the stars.” Somewhere in there there’s another poem (of course) and they also get in some hot tub time, where Chris is “still excited to say” that he loves Desiree. They make out forever and…….peace out camera crew.

2 for 2, Desiree!

The next morning we get to watch Desiree get dressed, basically, in a teeny tiny bikini. her voiceover reiterates that she has “deeper feelings” for Brooks than “the other guys”.

We then cut to Brooks who is getting ready for his date when there’s a knock at the door. “It’s Chris Harrison!” I shout at R’s TV. Indeed, Harrison’s at the door and now it’s pretty obvious that the drama shitstorm we’ve been teased about all season will involve Brooks. You don’t call in The Harrison to shoot the shit. This just got real.

F.U.C.K. Thanks God for (2 bottles of) wine. Brooks “can’t pinpoint” why he doesn’t feel “crazy in love with this woman” and it’s “agonizing” for him. So Brooks is hoping that Chris can help him out. I shout (again) at R’s TV: “ARE YOU TRYING TO GET CHRIS HARRISON TO BREAK UP WITH DESIREE FOR YOU, YOU FUCKER?”

Anyhoodle.

Brooks confesses to Chris that he’s felt himself falling in love with Des in certain moments, but that ultimately he doesn’t want to “jump into something without feeling like all the aspects are there.”

Chris is all ‘Are you not sure? Or are you telling me you’re just not in love with this girl???’ Way to twist the knife, Harrison.

Also, seriously SOMEONE GET THESE DUDES SOME SUNGLASSES! Chris is squinting like it’s his JOB.

Final nail in the coffin. Brooks says:

“I feel like I’ve come to a conclusion where I don’t think that Des is the love of my life. That’s what’s so difficult.”

This is happening. Wine me!

And it’s not that Brooks doesn’t want to get married ever. He admits that he was previously in a relationship where he was totes on board with getting married. Ouch.

Chris asks, rather pointedly, if Brooks is hesitant to take the plunge because his parents got divorced. Nope, that’s not the reason. He’s down with matrimony. Brooks, you know Desiree is going to see this, right? Stop talking, strap on a pair, and go dump America’s sweetheart. He does admit that he wishes Des was the girl for him. He also really doesn’t want to hurt her. Well, duh. Chris basically tells Brooks to pull his shit together, be a man, and go end it.

[Is it weird that this is the only time I’ve actually liked Brooks? It’s weird. I need to talk to some shiraz about these feelings.]

Brooks steels himself to go meet with Des on the beach (while her voiceover says that she’d totally accept a proposal from Brooks), but she immediately knows something’s up when she sees that he’s (been) crying.

“Brooks, what is wrong?” Des asks in a panicked voice and I can almost hear her stomach drop into her ass at that moment.

She knows.

Brooks comments that he can’t believe how she immediately knew something was wrong. Dude, you’re CRYING! She doesn’t know how bad it is, but she knows.

What proceeds is the longest breakup in TV history. I stopped keeping track at the 23-minute mark. There are so many tears and way too much hugging and Desiree alternates between being intensely sad and heartbroken (at one point bringing her knees into her chest on the breakup bench and moaning “whyyyyyy?”) and being like “ugh stop touching me, go away, stop saying you’re sorry.”

At one point Brooks says “I feel like you’re a much better person than I am,” which is maybe his way of saying “I hope you love Drew or Chris more than you love me so that this won’t suck so bad for you.”

What’s also confusing is that Brooks uses the word “love” a bunch of times during this neverendingbreakup, and a minute later he talks about ‘losing’ that loving feeling when he’s away from her in between dates. “I miss you every day!” Des cries. Here’s an excerpt that pretty much sums up the whole first half of their breakup:

Desiree: “How do you really feel?”

Brooks: “You know, I really want to be madly in love with you, you know?”

Poor Des. This is the worst thing that could’ve happened to her. She confesses that she loves Brooks and was going to tell him on their overnight date. She starts to say “you’re the only one I can say that–“ and Brooks interrupts with “why didn’t you tell me that earlier?”

DUDE.

STOP.

It wouldn’t have made a difference. You’re just not that into her. And that’s ok. Don’t even insinuate that had Des told you she loved you earlier this wouldn’t be happening. Jerk move.

Des admits to Brooks that she loves him even though he just broke her heart. Brooks just keeps apologizing over and over. And over.

They finally leave the breakup bench and just when you think this romance apocalypse is mercifully coming to an end, Brooks mumbles some junk about having assumed Desiree was “conflicted” about her feelings for the the other remaining dudes.

Wow. Brooks really didn’t know that he was Desiree’s #1 pick, obviously. Des stops in her tracks, turns, and half-shouts at Brooks: “Do you want to know why I was conflicted throughout this whole thing? Because I didn’t want to share my heart. I wanted to give it to you!” Good. Get angry Des. if you’re angry you won’t be so sad.

Brooks finally leaves, after a million more hugs and saying he’ll “shut up” because it’s “not helping.” He’s genuinely surprised at how much Desiree loved him and he doesn’t “want to leave her.”

Desiree sits on the end of a dock and cries for a hundred years.

So sad you guys!

There’s got to be a bar nearby she can go to (I hope). Girlfriend needs a margarita. Or 10.

Meanwhile, Brooks is walking in circles (GET IN THE CAR ALREADY) and crying and moaning about how this is the worst day of his life.

Reality check Brooks: you’re not the one who just got dumped so hard on TV.

In his post break-up interview, he admits to already missing Desiree and their time together. Brooks also confesses he was kinda hoping she was more in love with Drew or Chris.

So what does this mean for Drew and Chris? Will Desiree accept a proposal from one of them, essentially making one man a “consolation prize”? Or will she choose no one?

“I just can’t love them as much as I know I have to give,” Desiree cries. “Honestly? For me…it’s over.”

Eek.

Unfortunately, the first Bachelorette to ‘break the rules’ by essentially declaring a frontrunner so early in the season got royally fucked over. But can we really be mad at Brooks? Didn’t he do the right thing by not sticking around any longer or – and this would’ve been deplorable – proposing to someone he wasn’t in love with? He did the right thing. It just sucks. On the plus side for Desiree, she (likely) banged two handsome men in Antigua this week. Not a total loss. Chris seems to have money. Hope she poked a hole in that condom.

Until next week!

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