Weird Shit I Said/Wrote This Week

  • “Costco should really consider hiring cash register intervention people to stop me from buying, like, 100 Hot Pockets or something.”
  • “I made a pearl necklace joke just now and no one got it. Made me miss you even more.”
  • “I’m dressed like the closeted wife of a United States Senator.”
  • “If one more person tries to talk to me about their child’s summer camp I am going to stick my fingers in their mouth just to end it. I swear.”
  • “Sometimes I stop and laugh and think: these are my actual life choices?”
  • “I think about the fact that you’re having a baby and I have a sympathy contraction. And then I start googling ladybug Halloween costumes for babies. I mean..come on!”

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