Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week six of Desiree Hartsock’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, July 1, 2013).
The Penis Parade are in Barcelona, Spain (jealous), drinking beers and waiting for host Chris Harrison to tell them what’s what. Desiree thinks Barcelona is “inspiring” and the “perfect place to fall in love.” Enough already. People can fall in love anywhere. I once fell in love in the beer section of a New Hamshire 7-Eleven. Love happens everywhere, people. Everywhere.
Chris finally arrives and advises the men to use their time wisely this week (thanks tips!), as there won’t be a pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party this week. ‘Reserved’ Drew gets the first one-on-one date card. Des and Drew (yawn) meet up for some exploring, but first they have to kiss a little bit. That’s just science. They lark around and drink water out of a fountain/drain thing which apparently means they’ll come back to Spain some day or whatever. Over red wine and tapas, Drew tearfully reveals that his father is a recovering alcoholic who is battling cancer. They hold hands and Desiree says she hopes to meet his dad.
Before they can barely take a bite of dinner, Drew whisks Desiree away and the camera crew scrambles to keep up with them. They end up making out in an alleyway forever and it’s kind of hot. Seriously.
Meanwhile at the Bro Hotel, Desiree’s man harem are eagerly awaiting the group date card, mostly so they can know who’s not on it and therefore getting a one-on-one date with Des. The card arrives and it’s for Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo is attractively disappointed over not getting the one-on-one, which is going to Zak W.
Back on their date, Drew and Desiree have stopped sucking face just long enough for Drew to reveal that James has an eye on making the final four in order to secure the position of the next Bachelor. Gasp! Desiree is visibly shaken, and expresses to Drew that she’s glad he told her about this.
It’s time for the group date, and Des meet up with her dudes at a soccer field. Desiree’s voice over tells us that she’s giving James the “benefit of the doubt” because “things can be taken out of context.” Given that Juan Pablo is a (former?) professional soccer player, he’s really in his element. He’s also wearing the hell out of a waffle shirt. Just sayin’. Desiree heads off to find her ‘team’ and returns to the field with a group of female soccer players. Game on, bros. The men start off strong (mostly thanks to Juan Pablo), but that all ends and Desiree’s all-female team wins 10-2. Juan Pablo blames James’ poor goalie skills for their shitty performance. I blame Kasey. Because he’s Kasey.
Later that evening, Desiree pulls Chris away from the group date and brings him up to her room (scandal!) to tell him how awesome he is and read him some poetry. Groan. I hate that they both insist on liking poetry so much, but I really like them together and Chris has been one of my favourites since week one.
Shortly thereafter, Kasey, Michael and Chris are preparing to confront James. And they have to do it all together because James is super tall and weighs like 260 pounds. Kasey takes the lead telling James that he was overheard talking with (now ousted) Mikey about how he could maybe be chosen to be the next Bachelor if he made the final four and that they could use their TV fame to meet skanks in Chicago.
Meanwhile, James denies the accusation (well, he actually says he’s “not the one that started that conversation”) and yells at Michael, saying that Michael hasn’t even had a solo date with Des yet but he’s all confrontational now since he ‘won’ the two-on-one date that resulted in Ben being sent home. I don’t’ see how the two are related, but whatever. Michael tells James he sounds like he’s auditioning for Jersey Shore. Easy Michael, I love that show (no judgement). Backed into a proverbial corner, James resorts to saying that the cameras will tell all. So he’s sticking to his innocence and Kasey says something about James not being able to “counter-acusate”. No. For realsies. He says “counter-acusate”.
When Des returns to the melee, Kasey pretty much pounces on her to reiterate what Drew had told her about James the night before. Des asks to speak to James privately, but before that happens she announces that she’s not giving out a group date rose. Oh, snap!
James awkwardly folds his massive frame into a settee and Des tells him what she’s been hearing and that she believes what she’s heard from Drew and Kasey. James maintains that he wasn’t the one who brought up partying with skanks back in Chicago and that it was really mostly Mikey. And why would Mikey say such things? According to James, it’s because Mikey didn’t have the connection that James and Des had established so he was talking a lot of shit to save face. Well played. James swears on his dad y’all: he’s innocent. “I have feelings for you, period…I really feel a connection,” James tells her. He even gets a little choked up and tells Des that maybe she should send him home if this is the kind of guy she thinks he is. Now everyone’s crying. James is sticking around, for now. Eyebrows are dramatically raised when James saunters back in the hotel room after his voice over proclaims that the other men can basically suck it and watch him walk off into the sunset with Des. Them’s fighting words, James.
The next day, Des heads out for her one-on-one date with Zak W. who is really resembling Astro Boy and who I’m honestly surprised is still in this thing. Des and Zak head to a sketching class and draw horrible pictures of each other. Desiree’s sketch of Zak looks like a 13 year old girl’s drawing of her favourite boy band member and Zak’s sketch of Des looks like my nightmares. They’ve just barely recovered from that when a random dude in a robe enters the room and immediately gets all kinds of naked. Time to sketch a penis Zak! Zak is clearly inspired, and decides to attempt to inspire Des by offering himself up as a model for her to sketch (in underpants).
Later that evening, Zak (wearing the hell out of a grey suit) and Des head to some sort of cave/cellar deal for dinner and conversation. Desiree’s voice over says that they “definitely have a friendship” that’s “growing into a romance.” Translation: he’s just alright. Zak chats about his folks and how super awesome they are. Des likes Zak’s ‘demeanor’ enough to present him with the date rose. Zak has thrown me for a loop: I thought he’d be gone by week three, tops. Oh and in his private interview he confesses to being in love with Desiree.
Back at the Bro Hotel, James asks to speak to Drew privately and find out what’s up. Drew straight up says he thinks it was super inappropriate for James to have even hinted at positioning himself to become the next Bachelor if he were truly here to build a relationship with Desiree. James insists that his comment had nothing to do with Desiree and that he’s not a bad person, just a practical one. Same old. Drew isn’t convinced and, in a voice over, says that James is a “piece of shit.”
The next morning, “evil, sinister” James (looking so innocent in a lavender button down) is still on everyone’s hit list. Zak attempts to cut some of the tension by relaying details of his date with Des. Thankfully, she arrives at the door and asks to speak to James again. Desiree started off the day planning to send James home, but he manages to change her mind. James reiterates that he was just shooting the shit with Mikey about “scenarios” and insists “there’s nothing wrong with that.” Desiree agrees (!) and is placated by James saying he can see a future with her. James seals the deal with this: “Whatever your decision is, Des, I respect you,” topped off with a forehead kiss. Shiiiiit, bro. Way to weasel out of this mess like a pro.
James strolls back into the world’s most hostile hotel room with a casual “what’s up, guys?” and jams himself onto the couch. Crickets. Crickets. Chris breaks the ice and asks what James and Des talked about and James is all ‘real life’ and ‘if I go back to Chicago I’ll date’ and that he may come off as a “cocky son of a bitch” but he has a “great sense of self”. Chris FLIPS OUT, saying he has zero thoughts of potentially becoming the next Bachelor and why is James even thinking about this? James angrily defends himself but it falls flat, and the men are more convinced than ever that he’s a shady mother fucker. Michael comments that if James gets a rose that night, the group is going to “collectively shit themselves”.
Later that evening at the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison announces that 3 men will be leaving Barcelona that night. 3??!!! Drew and Zak are safe of course, but with Des flip-flopping on whether or not to keep James I’m panicking that hot-but-kinda-unnecessary Juan Pablo may be getting the boot.
Des gives the “this is probably the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make’ speech which is pretty commonplace by now as far as Bachelor/Bachelorette rose ceremonies go. The first rose goes to Chris (no surprise there), followed by Brooks and..Michael. W-h-a-t t-h-e fuck? Ugh. This means James and Kasey (no surprise there) are going home….along with Juan Pablo (cut to my lady bits shouting ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’). Fuck.
“People vs. James: case dismissed” – Michael
Side note to Juan Pablo: I would step-mom the shit out of your daughter if you promise to never stop saying things like “I thought we were in the same page.” Deal? Ok. Moving on.
Until next week!