Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week three of Desiree Hartsock’s season of The Bachelorette (original air date: Monday, June 10, 2013).
We start things off at the Penis Pad where the group date card arrives with a bit of a warning – “Love is a battlefield!” – for Chris, Brian, Drew, Michael G., Brooks, Brad, Mikey, Zack K., and Ben. When they arrive at their date, they are greeted by the head of the National Dodgeball League (THAT’S A THING?!) and the violence begins as they play against ‘professional’ dodgeball players. Soon Chris Harrison arrives to give the dudes a break from being ‘pummelled’ and divides the fellas into two teams to battle for Desiree’s heart. But wait – there’s more! The battle royale is actually taking place in public. More specifically, in a mall parking lot. Where real men battle for macho supremacy. In tiny shorts. Chris Harrison kicks it all off with a battle cry of “3-2-1-dodgeball!” After a few rounds of pitiful play – somewhere in there Brooks hurts his finger and rolls around like he got shot – it comes down to Chris (my favourite) vs. Zack K. and in the end it’s Zack K. and the blue team who are crowned the victors. Zack piggybacks Des out in a victory lap and both teams (Des insists) head to the victory party. Meanwhile, Brooks is passing out in the ER having his broken finger re-set and my god he’s one of those people that has ranked his worst paper cuts isn’t he?
At the victory COCKtail party (see what I did there), Brad (hand to god I said “Who’s that guy? He has a dumb face” out loud..at the screen…alone) is the first to pull Des aside because he’s DYING to tell her some super personal thing about himself. Turns out Brad has a 3-year old son named Maddox. Dude, you should’ve totally played that card week one – Des is super into kids!. It’s kind of sweet because Brad says he wouldn’t have come on the show if the Bachelorette was anyone but Desiree. Also, Brad’s baby mamma is a drunkie who accused him of domestic violence (the charges were dismissed). So now we know Brad.
Back at the Penis Pad, Kasey (#hashtagguy) receives the one-on-one date card. He’s #stoked.
Meanwhile, mortgage broker Chris is finally getting some camera time after hurling dodgeballs at people like a boss. And he uses his time wisely, bringing Desiree onto the roof for some PG-rated sexy time. Chris confesses he was skeptical before but seeing Des “in her own skin” during the dodgeball date really convinced him that he was here for the right reasons. Des counters that she was also noticing Chris during the group date, but I suspect it’s hard not to notice a guy who’s actually trying to be that good at dodgeball. Brooks returns and steals everyone’s thunder with his war wound and they quickly get to kissing. But a broken finger isn’t enough to earn the date rose, no ma’am. That goes to nice guy Chris, and he and Des get serenaded and dance while creepo Brandon spies from the rooftop. That’s sort of his thing.
The next day, Desiree is dreamily talking about how much she likes all her candidates and how awesome they are…and then she gets a call from Chris Harrison with some bizarre news. “I don’t want him to get away with this” we hear Chris say on the other end of the line. Chris Harrison is the LAW y’all. Des is pissed and she’s off to the Penis Pad to confront…someone. Kasey is told that Des needs to chat with Brian before they head out on their date. #drama #bitchplease
So Desiree and Brian sit outside and Des does a slow lead in, getting Brian to talk about his ‘past’ relationship. Inside, Chis Harrison arrives with a woman scorned. They make their way outside just in time to hear Brian say he’s “still friends” with his ex. Well that ‘ex’ is here bro. Stephanie (after a hug from Desiree) is greeted by Brian who can only say “oh jeeze”! Oh jeeze, indeed Brian, Oh jeeze, indeed.
Pretty and petite Stephanie immediately lays into Brian, saying: “Do you realize that this girl is looking for love? Looking for a husband. You think you’re capable of that?” She also insists Brian swore he wasn’t going to date anyone else. Brian is adamant that their relationship was “in the past”, but Stephanie insists that they’re “still together” and that he’s “lying on national television.” And oh fuck she has a SON. Brian’s not the dad but still. And apparently Brian told Stephanie he was on a business trip! Amazing. Brian is adamant that Stephanie is lying and that he’s “being attacked.” And then Stephanie spews a bunch of stuff that makes me think that maybe Brian is being attacked and maybe Stephanie is a stage five clinger crazy bitch but the reality is Brian was being shady and shouldn’t have auditioned for the show in the first place. Des sends him packing, with a security guy in tow to make sure he doesn’t linger. Des comforts Stephanie while Brian shoves a bunch of suits into a suitcase. And cut to me JUST NOW (on my 31st birthday) realizing the origin of the word suitcase. Lord.
The remaining men are reeling, completely shocked and particularly disgusted by the fact that Brian would do this to a single mom with whom he’s been in a relationship. Brandon (feeler of so many feelings), in particular, is devastated and ugly cries recalling the men that dated his single mom but didn’t stick around (fear! of! abandonment!). The pressure is on Kasey to take Desiree’s mind off all of the drama. #mission
On their date, Kasey and Des are #handholding on Sunset and soon find themselves hundreds of feet in the air dangling off the side of a building. They are engaging in an activity known as bandaloop. Which is basically dancing sideways. Terrifyingly. Later that night they try and enjoy drinks (that keep blowing away) while almost being blown off the rooftop Wizard of Oz style, so to warm up they jump into a pool which seems counterproductive. Of all the times to NOT end up in a hot tub… Kasey tries to get a kiss but it’s just so cold and windy and crappy out and Des isn’t really feeling it but she gives Kasey a rose anyways and he’s just happy spending time with her. Sweet.
For the week’s second group date, James, Bryden, Dan, Zak W. and unsettling handsome Juan Pablo find themselves at a ranch where Desiree awaits dressed like a fancy prostitute in a Western movie. Only a headless person wouldn’t have picked up on the cowboy theme of the group date by this point. The stunt coordinator from the upcoming The Lone Ranger movie trains the dude bros in all things cowboy. Then each man takes a turn ‘saving’ Des from a ne’er do well which she LOVES. I pick up on this because she says “I love being rescued!!!!!!!!!!!” I don’t like read minds or anything guys. Dan (we all forgot about Dan right?) splits his pants getting up on his horse and Juan Pablo makes panties drop THROUGH THE TV and wins the challenge so him and Des walk off into the sunset (or to make out and watch the new The Lone Ranger movie which looks terrible). Let’s be honest, Juan Pablo could’ve set Des on fire and she probably still would’ve given him the prize. Also, he says it “popcorns” instead of “popcorn” and I want to have at least 3 of his kids. He makes me nervous and I’m not even in the same room as him (yet).
Later that evening, Desiree reunites with the other men from the cowboy group date but quickly pulls Bryden away for some smooching. That’s his reward for looking so hot in a cowboy uniform, apparently. Des feels that Bryden is a bit more reserved and doesn’t know when to make the moves, but when she gets the ball rolling he’s ‘on it’. When Zak W. gets some solo time with Des he is charming and flirty and confesses he tried to kiss her earlier in the day. They spend a lot of time laughing and chatting and it’s the only time I’ve ever liked Zak W. Switching gears, James tells Des that he’s struggling being away from his father who has pancreatitis. He basically asks Des if he’s actually a contender in this whole deal and Des gives him a rose so that’s a big yes! If he didn’t believe her yet, she really sealed the deal by pretty much lunging at him with her mouth.
The next day Chris Harrison makes a surprise visit to the Penis Pad and announces that Desiree is cancelling the typical pre-rose ceremony COCKtail party and instead they will have a pool party in the afternoon and just a rose ceremony that night. Daytime pressure! Ben hovers by the door (wearing a total douche canoe tank top – the same one Ryan wore on Emily’s season remember?) and pounces on Desiree before she can head inside to lure her away for a quick drive. When they return and a few of the men think they spot Ben in her car they are less than pleased, particularly Mikey who is livid when Ben claims to have not talked to Des that day. Lies and the lying liars who tell them. Ben is unapologetic because after all he’s not on a show called Let’s Make Friends. By the way, I’d totally watch that show if a Kardashian was on it. Brandon (ugh) sits down for a chat with Des and tells her that the roughly 30 seconds he’s known her have been the best days of his life or something and then he brings up Brian two-timing a single mom and gets choked up while Des tries not to look completely terrified. Then Brandon says – and my god I actually cringe writing this – that he’s falling in love with her. I shit you not. Then he rams his face into hers. TOO MUCH BRANDON. Too much. It’s week 3!!!!!!!! Desiree looks freaked.
Brandon says he’s “never felt so confident” going into a rose ceremony, so obviously he’s going home tonight (I hope). Desiree starts handing out roses and they go to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Brooks (survivor of traumatic finger injury), Drew, Zack K., Brad, Michael, Mikey, and…..Ben.
Brandon (mouth agape in total shock) and Dan are sent packing. Dan is understandably bummed (though not dramatically so) but seems more concerned that Des is being ‘duped’ by Ben. Brandon, on the other hand, is “fucking blown away” that he’s being sent home AND that Ben is still there. Des tells Brandon in her best soothing please-don’t-stalk-me-now voice that he’s an “incredible person” but it just…wasn’t for her. Ha. He walks away and Des abruptly goes after him to apologize and explain that she needed to end things earlier rather than string him along when there was no chemistry. Brandon sighs: “Once again, somebody left me.” Oh crap, now I feel bad for the guy. I thought he was going to totally lose it on her but he was pretty composed. That limo driver is in for an earful of sad!
Until next week!