Funny Girls in Tight Jeans

From time to time on this blog I like to post old email conversations between my friend M and I because, frankly, we’re the funniest people we know.

Me: How was your weekend visiting your parents and sister? Lots of hand holding and sing-along’s, I presume?

M: My weekend was great! It’s amazing how much coffee we all managed to drink in spite of the constant laughing and sitting under blankets. Saturday I got my hair did. For the rest of the afternoon, my sister had school work to do so I mostly just sat across from her whispering “you’re so perfect”. I saw a good friend when we went out for dinner. It’s his brother’s restaurant so he works there during the holidays. I’ve known him since grade three and he looks like Clark Kent. Seriously, I was asked three times (by three different 50-somethings) if they kept a phone booth in the back for when he became Superman. After my parents went to bed, my sister and I watched La Bamba. And yeah, it’s still totally awesome. Not Surprised. After I got home Sunday night I ate my (new) weight in risotto and fudge and slept like it was my full-time job. How was your weekend? Did I miss anything spectacular? I still want to watch the 5th and 6th (or whatever the last two were) Harry Potter’s before the holidays because I’m going to go see the 7th with my mom. Maybe thinking about that this week… What are you up to? Tell me everything.

Me: Ooh so excited to see your haircut!!! I won’t be able to stop touching your face, I just know it. Sounds like a perfect weekend of perfectness. My weekend was fine. Friday me and R went to see a friend’s band at The Horseshoe (thank you guest list – the place was rammed), and I pre-drank half a box of wine and then just kept going from there. Around 3:30 a.m. I threw my last pair of contact lenses out onto the street and went home and took a shower (?) and when I woke up at noon on Saturday I found evidence that I had eaten two packages of chicken flavoured Mr. Noodle and had downloaded some British show about magic. Or something. On Saturday I saw Harry Potter 7 (AWESOME) and then went to my friend’s house party for her birthday where I ate roughly 12 salmon wellington puffs and half a pound of baked brie. And drank an entire bowl of adult punch. Yesterday I slept and cleaned and baked muffins and made perogies and watched 1/2 of Sherlock Holmes then woke up in the middle of the night to scratch myself for a while because I keep forgetting which laundry detergent I’m allergic to (all of them). Yes let’s watch Harry Potter 5 and 6 this week. Wednesday? Or maybe Friday?

M: So excited for so much face touching! Your Friday sounds fun and fairly classic. I love the throw-your-contacts-into-the-street move. It makes so much sense! I also like waking up with them either on my nightstand or still in my eyes so I can’t open them and feel like I’m being tortured trying to peel my eyelids back so I can take them out. If we watch a movie on Wednesday there might be some fudge left. MIGHT be. Wednesday’s also better for me so I can pretend to be sick Friday night and stay in wearing track pants and an exfoliating face mask without people trying to get me out to drink. A pound of baked brie sounds right on point – should I call France? I think I have them on speed dial. Oh my god what kind of muffins did you bake? Last night I would have killed someone for an oatmeal muffin but no one was home.*sigh* I watched Inception last night! It really happened!! It was awesome. I also woke up in the middle of the night but it was because my uterus was showing off.

Me: Well, I was apparently done with those contacts (?) so they belong to the sidewalk now! Joke’s on me though. When I tried to put in a new pair that day they were defective…and my last pair. So I’m in glasses for awhile. Remember that drunken night you found out I wore glasses and you, like, straddled me on the floor of your parents’ basement? I baked oatmeal chocolate chip muffins. The best! And from the dollar store. No judgment. Oh god, Inception. I could pretend to understand that movie for the rest of my life. I loved it. I think.

M: STRADDLEU4LIFE!! Oatmeal chocolate chip are my favourite. I KNEW that’s what you made. Sometime last year I was down to one contact lense and actually talked an optometrist into an emergency pair. Apparently it’s only illegal when you’re not annoying as hell.

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