Stop reading now if you don’t want spoilers on week five (part 1) of Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor (original air date: Monday, February 4, 2013).
So this week we get a double dose of The Bachelor. And my oh my was last night’s episode a doozie. When we last saw Sean, he was feeling uber sparkly blue-eyed confident that his future first wife (am I mean?) was amongst the remaining women vying for a rose, his heart, and ultimately a Neil Lane ring and super blonde babies. By the end of this episode however, he’s visibly stressed and uncertain.
Here’s how it played out. Host Chris Harrison arrives to announce that the next 3 dates are: 1) a one-on-one date; 2) a group date; and 3) the dreaded two-on-one date. The two-on-one dates are not only super awkward, but one person is sent packing mid-date. Chris tells the ladies to pack their bags ‘cause bitches be getting on a plane to Montana.
We see Sean flying over Montana and he marvels at how pretty it all is and claims it’s the most beautiful place he’s ever seen.
Daniella (who is currently at the top of my chopping block list) is excited to “see her boyfriend.” Easy there, crazy. You barely made it through the last rose ceremony and I’m not even sure Sean remembers you exist.The skank brigade settle into a cozy lodge with a million fireplaces and Lindsay gets the one-on-one date card. Her and Sean head out to a helicopter, and Lindsay marvels at it, saying “Is that a helicopter?” No dumb dumb, it’s a yacht. They fly out to Glacier National Park where they park (see what I did there?) themselves on a blanket. Then it’s a little boring for a bit and Lindsay needs to check herself before she wrecks herself with all that baby voice talking. In a voiceover, Sean admits that he almost sent Lindsay home the first night because she was a drunk mess in a wedding dress.
Later, next to a roaring fire and a stuffed moose head, Lindsay refers to her childhood as her ‘adolescence’. Twice. Ugh. Just call it your childhood, sweetie. She’s an army brat, blah blah blah. They make out forever.
Back at the ladies lodge, the group date card arrives. By process of elimination, it’s revealed that the ladies who will be heading out on the two-on-one date will be Tierra and Jackie (who?). Tierra seems uncharacteristically thrilled about this because she’s ‘tired of the large group dates’. Either Jackie or Tierra will be going home this week, after an uncomfortable threesome dinner.
Back on their date, Sean gives Lindsay the date rose and announces that he has a surprise: They head into downtown Whitefish for a Sarah Darling concert. I’ve lost count of the number of country artists and bands who’ve made cameos on the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad over the past few years. A large crowd has gathered and ping pongs between watching the pretty singer on stage OR the random couple slow dancing on a raised platform with a camera crew filming them. Sean confesses that on night one he thought Lindsay “was just a crazy girl in a wedding dress.” She cutely counters with “I thought you were a crazy boy in a tie.” Precious. I find myself less annoyed with Lindsay because she seems sharp but that’s dashed about a millisecond later when, in her private interview, she describes Sean as being “very good looking on the eyes.” Um. That’s not a thing. One thing is very clear, however: Lindsay is a smitten kitten. And in his solo interview Sean gushes that he can totally see himself with Lindsay in the future.
Group date day! Sean reveals that he likes a woman who can wear high heels one day and then rough it the next day. If he were to slightly edit that to liking a woman who can “eat a whole pizza one night and then another whole pizza for breakfast the next day” then I’d be his soul mate. The group date ladies (Selma, AshLee, Des, Catherine, Sarah, Lesley, Robyn and Daniella) arrive and Selma is wearing some bedazzled winter headband nonsense that I’ll be laughing at for a few days. She looks like the thing that granted Tom Hanks’ wish in the movie ‘Big’. Chris Harrison announces that the group date contest will be: ‘Montana Wilderness Relay Race’. This will consist of 1) a canoe race 2) something with hay – moving hay? throwing hay? eating hay? 3) sawing a log or cutting something wood-like 4) milking a goat…and drinking the goat’s milk. Chris randomly divides the ladies into a Red Team and a Blue Team. The Red Team consists of Selma, Desiree, Sarah, and Robyn. The Blue Team consists of AshLee, Leslie, Daniella and Catherine. The prize at stake? The losing team gets banished to the lodge while the winners get some much coveted alone time with Sean and hopefully a meal or a tetanus shot.
The competition begins and no one knows what to do in a canoe but some can milk a goat like it’s their job. Which one day it might be. Just saying. The Red Team wins thanks to Desiree fearlessly slamming down some steamy goat milk. The Blue Team heads home in the sad lady van.
The winners – Desiree, Sarah, Selma and Robyn – gather with Sean later that evening and reminisce about the competition. Sean jokes that when the race began he didn’t think the Red Team would win because at some points it seemed like their canoe was going backwards. Ha. Rule breaker Sean quickly pulls Chris aside and asks if the losing team can join in on the date because he doesn’t feel right about excluding them just because they didn’t chop wood the fastest, or whatever. Chris heads off to cheer up some losers while Sean breaks the news to his current dates.
Tierra (who was neither on the Red Team nor the Blue team as she is scheduled for the two-on-one date) sneaks up on Sean while he is giving an interview during his group date. She expresses her disdain at being part of the following day’s two-on-one date. HOLD UP. Wasn’t Tierra excited about the two-on-one like 5 minutes ago? Someone must have told her it’s the crappiest date to go on and now she’s all pouty about it. She tells Sean that being invited on the two-on-one date feels like a slap in the face. Sean lets her go on for a bit and she eventually calms down and heads back to the lodge confident that she now has a head start on her date the next day. For the first time, Sean expresses some doubts about Tierra. He’s not sure what to make of her randomly popping in on his group date.
Back on the (bigger) group date, Sean steals Desiree away and she can’t hide her disappointment over Sean inviting the losing team to join them. The girl drank goat milk after all. AshLee interrupts them a few moments later, as she secretly believes that the reason Sean invited the losing time to hang was so he could actually just see her. AshLee tells Sean she feels great about their connection and that she adores him. Sean replies that he’s crazy about her and then they make out. Now AshLee is also falling in love with Sean. Of course.
Meanwhile at the lodge, the date card for Tierra and Jackie arrives with this bit of soul-crushing Dr. Seuss-on-Prozac poetry: “Two women. One rose. One stays. One goes.”
Back on the group date, Sean and Catherine pull away from the horde and head outside for some privacy (well, as much privacy as two people can get surrounded by a camera crew). Translation: they sneak off to make out. It’s their thing. Crazy-eyed Daniella is on the hunt for Sean and she finds Catherine sitting on his lap. Devastated, she cries to Desiree about it. Sean returns to find an emotional Daniella so he asks to speak to her alone. He reassures Danielle that he always has fun with her and wants to continue to get to know her. Um, sure. Okay. Pretty sure this is the most they’ve spoken, ever. He especially likes how all the other girls have nothing but great things to say about Daniella. So she’s pretty much the opposite of Tierra. To get her to shut up or stop crying or whatever, Sean kisses Daniella and she says something along the lines of: “Finally!” Upon returning to the group, he presents Daniella with the date rose, thus super pissing off the ‘winners’ (Daniella was a member of the losing Blue Team).
The next day, Jackie and Tierra head out on their date, and Tierra is extremely confident that her sneaky ambush of Sean the previous night is giving her a big edge over the mostly-unseen-as-of-yet Jackie (whom I’ve been referring to as Malin Ackerman for about 3 weeks now). They arrive at a horse farm (is that what these places are called?) and saddle up. Jackie trots along on a horse a few feet behind Tierra and Sean, and we see a private interview with Tierra where she evil laughs that “Jackie does not know that she’s on a date with me and my husband.” Jackie needs to step it up if she’s going to make an impression on Sean.
Jackie reveals she has some dirt on Tierra that she’s going to bust out during her alone time with Sean. When that time comes, she tells Sean that she would hate for him to fall in love with somebody who isn’t their “true self”. Jackie hints that some women act one way around the other women and a completely different side is shown to Sean. Same old. She then spills that at the airport en route to Montana, Tierra was flirting with another dude. Me-ow. Sean is, naturally, shocked to hear about this. He tells Jackie that he can tell she’s a genuine person and they kiss but there’s zero spark or connection there. Crap. Jackie might be going home.
The threesome head into the world’s most awkward dinner date. It immediately gets super quiet and mostly you can just hear Jackie and Tierra swallowing their wine. Sean asks to speak to Tierra, who reveals that she was with a guy for 5 years who was in and out of rehab and passed away 3 years ago. I quickly do the math and it appears that Tierra dated this person from the ages of 16-21. She tells Sean that this man was her best friend and his passing is the reason why she’s scared to get close to someone/yet attaches herself to people she cares about too much/but is simultaneously terrified to lose someone/but is also afraid she’s scaring people away. Huh? It’s all very confusing. Pick an emotional crutch Tierra. Just pick one.
Sean ultimately presents Tierra with the date rose, sending Jackie home. This has a lot to do with his immediate connection with Tierra from the get-go, he says. On her way out, Jackie warns Sean to be careful and follow his heart. Basically: run from Tierra. Run. Jackie cries a bit and I immediately start a Google search for [‘Jackie’ ‘The Bachelor’ ‘dumped’ ‘nail polish colour’]. Turns out a lot of other people were searching the same thing! Please hit me up in the comments if you’ve been able to track down the shade. Obsessed!
Tierra and Sean cuddle up on a blanket outside for a fireworks show while the other ladies creep on them from a large bay window at the lodge.
Now it’s rose ceremony night. The main topic of conversation is the Jackie dismissal. The other ladies were really rooting for Jackie to beat out Tierra on the two-on-one date. Sean tells the ladies that it’s been a difficult week and Jackie was sweet, but he didn’t have that romantic connection.
Desiree (who’s picked up on the fact that Sean seems to give a lot of date roses to the women who are crying the most or being the saddest) and Sean break away from the melee and she tells Sean that she’s still bummed he invited the losing team to join the group date. Sean asks Desiree point blank if any of his decisions thus far have confused her. She circles around the whole keeping Tierra around thing, but then she seems to have second thoughts about specifically mentioning Tierra and becomes increasingly vague. Hey, I can’t blame her. Desiree has likely watched previous seasons, and the nice girl who’s the most vocal about the girl that everyone hates usually gets sent home at this stage of the game. Sean leaves his conversation with Desiree having doubts and saying he doesn’t “feel great about where things stand” with her. Annoying. So now Sean wants the ladies to tell him if he’s making a mistake keeping Tierra?? Because when Kacie B. brought it up he cut her off and was all ‘why are you telling me this stuff?’ and she was sent home soon after.
Meanwhile, Tierra wants to punch everyone. Desiree is back and states, in front of everyone but Sean, that Jackie was the sweetest girl in the house and it’s hard to watch Sean send her home. The message is clear: Jackie = sweet and should have stayed while Tierra = cuntbasket who should’ve been kicked to the curb. Hearing this, Tierra takes off to sit alone in front of a different fireplace. Um…I gotta say I’m not a huge fan of Tierra but Des shouldn’t have said this in front of everyone. I’m starting to see a side of her that’s a little bitchface-y. Pushing it even further, Desiree then has the nerve to look around the group all innocently and ask: “What’s going on with her?” Um, you just told Tierra that Sean should have sent her home!!
The Desiree-Tierra feud continues to boil over. Desiree feels that Tierra has a victim mindset whereby if she can feel like she’s a victim then she feels that other girls are jealous of her when in fact “no one is jealous of that.” Oooooh. Them’s fighting words.
The other ladies are sick of Tierra’s ‘damsel in distress’ act and her constant drama. Robyn is prepared to turn the night into a “bad girls’ club” and confronts Tierra, saying that Tierra is only nice when the cameras are rolling. Tierra asks why Robyn is rehashing the past (point: Tierra). Lesley is next in line to yell at Tierra, who is defending herself surprisingly well given the onslaught of hormonal-fuelled anger being thrown at her. Soon though, Tierra has had enough. She’s sick of people giving her dirty looks when she walks into the room. But then she completely shoots herself in the foot by playing the “you’re all just insecure” card. This card, if you weren’t aware, is one that only insecure women use. Fact. See also: the “I hate drama card”, frequently used by those who – according to the university of my eyeballs – are the most dramatic shit-disturbers around.
Then Tierra, mid-rant about not wanting to deal with the show anymore, says something that may have the power to ultimately sink her if any of the witnesses to her statement decide to use it against her (at the very least, it will certainly be brought up about 17 times during the eventual reunion show where women just accuse eachother for being insecure and dramatic):
“If I wanna go get engaged. I can easily go get engaged.”
Oh yes, she did.
Sean enters the room to hear Tierra proclaim:“I am a Scorpio and I will bite.” Boom. He wonders (though not out loud) if the women are ganging up on Tierra or if maybe, just maybe, she does indeed act differently when the cameras aren’t rolling or when he’s off shaving his chest.
Sean asks to speak to Tierra and she’s visibly upset. She weep-ily tells Sean that she’s being attacked and she’s not doing anything to these girls so why poor me wah wah blah blah blah.
“I’m not a drama person at all. I don’t know if it’s because they see we have a connection? I don’t deserve this,” she whines.
For good measure, Tierra throws in some crap about being a nice girl and how no one gives her credit for it. Ugh. Get lost.
Later, Lesley and Sean huddle up and he asks her about the Tierra-ble situation. Apparently, the other women have been ‘vague’ in their negative portrayals of Tierra and he wants to know what’s really going on when he’s not around. Lesley describes Tierra as ‘cold’ but also kind of skirts the issue like everyone else has been and Sean is growing increasingly frustrated. He wants facts along the lines of what, specifically, has Tierra been doing or saying? I totally understand why the women are hesitant to give specific examples –they’re walking a tightrope. They all want Sean to know the ‘real’ Tierra so he’ll send her home, but they’re terrified of sounding like jealous, petty bitches because so far Tierra’s been really good at pulling the wool over Sean’s eyes and painting herself as the innocent victim and the other woman as torch-wielding angry villagers.
It’s too bad that Tierra already has a rose and therefore can’t be sent home tonight. Or perhaps Sean could break the rules and send her home anyways? He’s proven that he doesn’t necessarily follow the typical Bachelor/Bachelorette rules that we’ve seen in the past…..
The women notice that Sean seems more stressed than usual going into the rose ceremony. Chris and Sean discuss the weird vibe of the night and he grumbles that “some women just want to talk about the other women.” DUDE, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. YOU ASKED THEM TO TELL YOU!!! YOU WANTED DETAILS!!!! Ugh. Sean admits that he is worried about Tierra. He likes her and wants to move past the drama.
Sean tells Chris that Montana didn’t clarify things as much as he had anticipated. He’s not feeling confident about his wife hunt tonight, and goes as far as to say that he’s starting to worry that maybe none of the women are right for him. Oh, snap.
The rose ceremony begins and the first roses go to Selma, Catherine, Lesley, AshLee (so pretty!) and Sarah.
Cue dramatic music.
Hmm…things seemed rocky between Des and Sean this week but lucky for her I think he’s still remembering how much fun they had on their one-on-one date a few weeks earlier.
Robyn, wearing the shit out of an amazing peacock blue dress, says her goodbyes and is, admittedly, bitter. She cries a bit in the car but it’s not like a total meltdown or anything. She just doesn’t want Sean to end up with Tierra. And with that, another episode of The Bachelor has come to an end.
They preview the rest of the season: more Tierra drama, AshLee shouting she’s in love, Sean gets a note that seems to throw him off while he’s preparing to hand out the very final rose and (theoretically) propose to one of the women.
The closing credits include footage of Sean doing manly things in Montana – fly fishing, feeding horses and trying to chop wood. He looks like a commercial for Old Spice deodorant or a Christian dating web site.
Back tomorrow with a recap of week 5: part 2.